Things that annoy me lately.

Here are the things that have annoyed me lately. Not sure if its because I tired, working a lot or just bitchy but here are the things that annoy me badly. Warning there is cussing and slight bitchiness on some parts.

1. Being so cold because it is 30 degrees with a high of 44 and I am freezing balls. And because of being so cold it leaves me with no motivation to get out of bed.
2. People who brag about their kids all the time! There is nothing wrong with someone saying their kid(s) are great and the things they do or accomplish is great but all the fucking time, please get a life if all you do is talk about your kids. No-one cares that they poop and they are 6. (I warned I might be a little bitchy ;) )
3. Kids not listening when you call their name and you know they can hear you, because they are staring at you but actively ignoring you, but its ok to say mom 150 times a day.
4. Drivers that are in such a hurry they are speeding and up your ass only for them to go in and out of lanes to get two cars in front of you. Thanks for scaring me and my kids jackhole.
5. Drivers that are so slow that it takes 5 hours to get 10 minutes down the road with kids who are crying and have to pee.
6. Selfish people who just want to whine, complain about everything and have everyone do everything for them. 
7. My downstairs is so cold I drape in a blanket to be warm, but my bedroom is so hot that I sweat bullets and have to have the window air on to maintain balance.
8. Daniel Tiger- I love his concepts, since my preschooler has and is picking up his wonderful concepts but his songs stick in my head and I am singing them to my 13 year old and she is laughing at me.
9. Not having enough chocolate in my house. I buy a ton but I also eat a ton. And yes I am diabetic but I will not cut out chocolate or people will die and I will be on the six o'clock news randomly bumping people off. :)
10. My dogs when they bark at nothing and wake up children.
11. Being so tired and having sex only 2-3 times a month if I am lucky. Trying to get some 2-3 times a week, will keep you posted when that happens. (Maybe I will be less bitchy ;) )
12. Reading the same article five million times from a million different views on the internet. Sometimes Facebook annoys me but I need my social time since I rarely see other people or talk to other people.
13. Scrambled eggs or cheerios from kids sticking to my socks and being traveled all over the house

Thought there would be more ;)

Feeling left out

Lately i have felt like the kid who doesn't get picked in gym class for dodge ball. I have had acquaintances block me on face book, unfriend me and just stop talking to me without reason. People I use to hang out with stopped all together and I don't always have someone to talk too. I do have friends I can talk to through face book messenger. But that is my general socialization. Yesterday I went to the park after I picked up Evil E from preschool, it is our new tradition to go to the park after, and I talked to two different moms that i have never met before and they were in the same boat as me. It is hard sometimes for me to make play date plans since Texas is still on 2/3 naps a day. That can make things tricky. Plus I need to make time for cleaning and to work.

One of my new mom "friends" that I met yesterday asked if we could meet her again on Thursday after preschool. So yay I have a scheduled park date! My husband teased me. But I don't have friends I talk to every day, I understand we all get busy, I don't expect anyone to drop everything and hang out with me as I clean my house. I learned to manage that sometimes the only socialization I will get will be face book, texts, or the random person talking to me at the park, library, store or mall.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old friends or my feelings aren't a tiny bit hurt when someone blocks or deletes me from face book. I do have feelings too. I may be rough around the edges and a bitch. But I still have feelings and sometimes like people. :) I do love the time I spend with my kids. Although sometimes I wish I could drink wine in a sippy cup when they are really bad. Especially now that Texas crawls and is trying to walk and stand. He is a trouble maker and into everything!

I will fight for you

I fight every day with and for my daughter, Mysterious to make a change and overcome her demons. I do this because I am her mom but not only because of that but because I am a survivor. I have been through so much in my 33 years and have held my head up each time even when life was kicking me in the teeth. I am a recovering alcoholic, have been sober for 9 years. I do still occasionally drink but it's a fruity drink, which I drink for the flavor and not to get drunk, escape my life, also after one I am sleepy, so I can't drink more than one. I am also a recovering heroin addict and have been clean for  14 years. I used to crave tootsie rolls when I wanted heroin but now I don't even do that anymore.

I am also a recovering balemic have been eating better for 15 years. I no longer look at my body as fat, sure I have curves but I have learned to love them and food. I have learned that I am not ugly, fat, stupid or a loser. I didn't grow up in a good family. These were the things I heard on a regular basis from the men in my family. I will not point fingers since it does no good to me. I have forgave and moved on. I have accepted that some people are just nasty, judge mental and don't care of others. I teach my children the lessons I have learned. 

I am also a rape survivor and child of sexual abuse and foster child. I have told stories to my oldest which have made us closer. She understands I am the way I am with her because I know how it feels to want to kill yourself, attempt suicide, feel worthless, unloved, except someone put those feelings their on me since they forced themselves on me and created a whole in my heart that put those ugly feelings there. Hers are from her being bipolar and having aspergers. Something that is not anyone's fault or hers. She understands that now and is trying, she does have her bad moments and days but knows that she can make a difference. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. No one hugged and told me it was ok, that it wasn't my fault. 

Instead I was shamed, told I was a troubled child, my mom gave up her rights when I was 12 and I was put into foster homes and group homes until she took me back at 16. I don't want my daughter to end up like I did. I fought every demon all by myself with bad vices, then fought those bad vices by myself. It was so hard, lonely, I was afraid I was going to succeed on attempting suicide. I know my child will do better since I am in her corner. It is easier in life if we have someone to walk and help us through our difficult times. If I have a bad day, stressed out moment or low moment, I tell myself it is nothing like it was before. I can get through this moment and just keep swimming (something I tell myself and my daughter) since I have been through worse than these moments. I have survived boyfriends who beat me. I can survivor anything. 

Because I am tough, my children will be tough as well. I will teach them the ways to make them strong, beautiful children. I have friends I have helped that have had the same problems, it feels good to help others. Sometimes people don't like to listen, and can do the opposite of what i say, but hey its their life and they will learn the lessons of life their way. It took me awhile to figure that out. So I can help teach my daughter but in the end she will learn from her own mistakes. I have patience. One day she will be in a good place. Until then I will be her cheerleader. I can help her get through anything.

Misunderstood

I try to write as honest and open as I can. With that saying I might have some people who don't agree with me or who think there is something wrong with me. I am not going to be miss sunshine. I'm usually in a good mood but sometimes I get stressed or frustrated. We all get that way. I think some people over analyze me or my feelings. I really am simple. I love my kids and hubby. Sometimes I want to shake them and see id candy comes out or if that just makes them better,like a reset button by shaking them and no I really don't shake kids, well at least not mine ;) . I try not to judge people  I know we all do because of morals or meanness or just because we can. You know you are judging me right now since I'm barefoot ;) )I just want not to be judged but instead to be looked at as a person who is just trying to do the best she can to survive it all.

When I'm lonely doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a friend.  I have friends but I don't always have time for play dates and get togethers with naps, cleaning, work, playtime, and hubby as most women don't have time. And I have come with the understanding over time that I'm ok with that. I see my friends when i can or talk by email, text, phone or face book. When I'm frustrated or sad or stressed doesn't mean that I need medication or counseling or medical help. Means I need a break, some me time, some wine time. I just want people to understand me not judge or try to change me.

 I am a bitch, a sweetheart, a mother, a lover, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a loudmouth, a potty mouth, a smart ass, a comedian (or at least I think I am funny), a cook, sometimes a drama queen, a good listener, a survivor and a very strong person. So just because I let you into my life and tell you all my dirty secrets (shhhhh), doesn't mean that you can shake your finger at me. I am just like you but I have red hair, yes its out of a bottle and yes I will be covering those roots soon, geesh I told you to not judge me. I know my icky brown is showing and no your brown is not icky, but mine is just gross to me, I sometimes look like a model when I can do my hair and makeup, I am a good person or try to be and just want people to understand what it is to be a mother of three, stay at home, part time work, one child is bipolar with aspergers.

 All of that is hard plus having multiple sclerosis but I somehow find a way to make it all work and this chronicles those ways and help others to feel not alone and for me to not feel like the crazy mom that i sometimes feel like.

Grumpy old men

So Mysterious M is home. My husband picked her up Wednesday night. An hour after being home she started rolling her eyes and giving attitude. Yesterday morning she started a fight with me and again in the evening. Today she is texting me on her way to school that it's too hard for her. I asked what, she replied school, homework, things are overwhelming. She was doing coping skills in the hospital to cope with different stresses, bipolar episodes, anger issues, life in general and since being back has not done one. She has to try to make an effort. I have no idea how to motivate this child to doing what she has to do since she doesn't care. I just want to shake her sometimes and scream we love you!!!!!

I am terrified she will kill herself while I am sleeping. Being in the hospital doesn't change anything in her. I know life is hard for her being bipolar, aspergers and a girl. But if she can't handle being a teenager how is she going to do it when she is an adult?! I work with her therapist, school counselor, psychiatrist, get her testing for the aspergers, even put her on medication for her depression and my dad said are you sure you are doing everything?! He thinks I am too hard on her. He sees us every two weeks on a Wednesday, sometimes I am yelling at her or my husband is when he is over (he didn't see the argument she started since she came home) and he will tell me that I am not patient enough or that I yell too much or that I am not a good parent.

Are you fricking kidding me?! Unless you are in my shoes day in and day out you have no clue as to what I am doing, the sacrifices I make, the steps I take. It is so easy to judge when you think you are the father of the year. Didn't know father of the year awards went to men who abandon their children at the age of 8, beat them, never hug or show them love. That is how my dad was when I was a child and you want to give me advice! I am open to criticism and am always open to different ideas on how to make life easier and better for her and all of my kids but please don't attack me as a person when you have no idea even what bipolar or aspergers is. He thinks that just means she is a difficult teen. Ugh he makes me so frustrated I just want to take his head and shove it up his ass. Ok scary rant over, but my dad seriously makes me very angry. We have gotten closer over the years and we decided years ago that he can be my dad but not my father. Meaning he can't parent me since I am 33 and when he did come back in my life I was 17 and way too old for him to parent.

 He may not agree with my decisions or my parenting style but I am the adult and I will learn from my mistakes and change things. Sometimes he is just such a grumpy old man and that movie was great but he is not as cool as Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau were in that movie. That is one of my all time favorite movies. My dad would be the bitchy one that they would kick out of the neighborhood :) . Ok just kidding maybe they wouldn't do that but they would slap him around a bit until he stopped being so bitchy. I love him and he is an overall great guy but he sucks as a dad. Back to Mysterious M, I really want things to get better for her. I want her to see what I see. When I text her remember you are loved, a beautiful person, see things positive like I do, she texts back I know. Ugh that is all you can say after I am being the cheerleader here, I just want to shake my head and sit in a corner until someone shakes some sense in that girl. She used to be my little girl that watched disney movies with me and now she is my little girl that says "i hate you", "will you shut up" and "I wish you would leave".

 I think all parents should have a vacation home when kids are in teenager years we can live at until its over. Its even more chaotic when your child has a special need. My life consists of chocolate,coffee and a bottle of wine on occasion. Hoping this weekend will be no fighting, no talking back and doing as told. Ok I almost spit my coffee out when I wrote that. Ok I know I can be delusional at times but maybe the universe will give me that gift.......Just maybe

Warning its dark

I keep having the song “I can’t change” by mackelmore in my head. And it is starting to feel like my theme song lately.  I am lonely and have so much on my plate that I am ready to burst. I have no support system. Yes I have a loving husband, yes I have a loving family. But I am a hard nut to crack and this nut is cracking. It is hard for me to open up to them and tell them what is going on. I have told my husband and he just pushes it aside. I am going to break soon! I want to scream and shout “Why won’t you see world that if no one holds me and tells me that it will be ok and give me the support I will break!” I don’t mean cry and have a break down in front of you. I mean end it all. My worst fear of it all. I am the glue to this family to everyone and right now the glue is unsticking. The glue is cracking, peeling and melting.

 Won’t someone help this glue before it can never stick again?! I am not saying suicide is the answer or that a break down is. I am saying I am lonely, tired, stressed, need a break  and need someone there for me. Please help this glue so that I don’t break.  I miss my mom right now more than ever. But until she notices that she needs help for her schizophrenia I can’t be around her. I have so many issues that I have overcome that it would truly suck if all of this was my end. I just want my mom or a mom. I have my mother in law, but I feel ashamed to tell her what is going on. I come from a dysfunctional family and she is normal. Whatever that is. But she is not dysfunctional neither is my husband, so they don’t understand the demons I slay inside on a daily basis so that I can overcome the demons for my child. I do so much for my children and my family but sometimes it all catches up to me and my demons strangle me until I have no more breath inside and I just want to scream! 

Writing this out feels better. As I started to have kids I forgot to write and now I am left with this shell that will crack easier than it did before. I used to write poems, stories, anything to let all the demons out. I would paint, sing, because I am talented in those areas. I once had a poem posted all over the school paper and in the school because my teacher was so proud of my poem. That person took a back seat to herself while this shell took over to raise kids. I need to find that demon slayer again so that I can survive all this. I have been alone my whole life. A lone wolf that has been through a lot and has overcome everything all by myself. I am use to being alone. 

Sometimes I prefer it over the drama of people. I need her back. I am trying to find her more and more before all of this drowns me. This was very hard to write since i had to be very open and expose myself. But I had to do it. I had to bare all. I make excuses to ignore myself and the things i need like writing, painting and just being by myself. I have to take myself back before its too late. Thank you mackelmore for giving me my theme song through this dark moment. 

Can't catch up

Lately I feel like I can't catch up with where I want to be. My days consist of cleaning, kids, work, laundry, cooking, preparing baby food, stuffing cloth diapers, fighting with middle child to listen, fighting with oldest to try and to care. I haven't had time to take a little me time by either watching tv shows or playing my video games.  My husband and I barely have sex twice a month if were lucky since the baby came. I haven't left the house unless its a weekend. (My middle child has been in a mood where she just wants to stay home.) I just feel like all I do is domestic shit and this mama needs a break. I want ti play my video game. I want to go somewhere fun with kids. I hate being locked in like Rapunzel. My hair isn't that long. I am super concerned my oldest will be in residential inpatient if she doesn't start trying. She plots my death on a daily basis. She wants to kick her baby brother. I don't understand why she doesn't see what we do for her. Especially me! It hurts to see someone not try and not care wondering if  she will kill herself. I hear constantly my life sucks, your a horrible mom. I think lately that's why I don't fight so hard to leave the house. I have no desire to leave. I feel like a monster. I know she is just angry and its not my fault but it still gets to you. Thankfully I leave twice a week for work for a few hours. That helps. My husband helps but sometimes he just fights with her and It makes it all worse. I just need it all to get easier. I don't know I how I can make it any better than I am trying to do. But everyone has to work with me or I will just drown from all of this. I am a strong person and very patient. But I have had my fill lately with all the arguing, negative comments, negative thoughts and not trying. My middle child is picking up some of these behaviors. I sometimes honestly just want to lock myself in a room and just veg with the tv. Obviously with kids since I would never leave them. I just need a break badly. I need a break from the constant chaos. She is so out of control lately that everyone has seen it. Usually she won't fight or be this way in front of others but lately its in front of everyone and anyone. I feel like I should hide all of us away from the view of others when she is like this. I constantly give her pep talks and let her know that i am here for her. We will see if it changes soon or we will have to put her back in. I just don't want to do that. I know that if she is not trying now that she might not try in inpatient or when she comes back out.

Dr.Voodoo

My oldest during a therapy session on Monday told her therapist and myself that we were evil. She has a tendency to blame us for things that go bad. I won't go in depth on what happened in therapy for her privacy. But I will tell about Dr.Voodoo. She told us that I put evil thoughts in her mind. So to make light of it to ease the tension and make her smile I said if I am  so good at being evil I should be a super villain. And she said Dr voodoo . The therapist laughed and asked my oldest if she was a villain too. Mysterious m said yes. So we said we will make capes and dress like villains in therapy since we are so evil. She laughed and it made her realize it isn't our fault or hers but that sometimes her  bipolar makes her moody and gives her bad thoughts. Dr voodoo saved the day. It pays to be a bad villain to make your child smile. So in the car yesterday, she was talking about Dr. Voodoo and I asked her if she would like Dr. Voodoo to write her letters when she is in a bad mood. She was so excited and said "Yes!!!". So Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance to make her happy when she is having a hard day. I am going to Comic Con on this Saturday and she asked if I could dress up as Dr. Voodoo. I said of course! So in the little time I have from now till then I need a cape (which she wants to be red, and we-my husband and I, decided on a voodoo doll as the image on my cape and on a shirt), I was going to wear my black leggings to be like tights that they wore, black boots, a belt, a red mask and a leotard. Well, I am not sure where to get a leotard, I need to put the image or have it made on a shirt to go over my leotard, need a cape, need a top hat (since that is typically what voodoo priests and priestess wear), any ideas on how to do this would be great. My husband said I am crazy for trying to make this or have it done by Saturday but it is what she wanted and I will do anything for my kids. I do wish that I had more time, but thats ok I like challenges lol. So hopefully Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance this Saturday. I wish I could bring her with me but because of the Aspergers and her social anxiety she is not ready for a crowd that size yet. Soon she will be. She will be starting social groups to help her with that very soon.

my guest post

go check me out at http://thecrumbdiaries-curveballs.blogspot.com/2013/08/summer-guest-post-5-by-heather-of.html. I poured my heart out about the situation that is home here.

Through sickness and health

Over the past weekend I was sick with a stomach virus. My stomach hurt so bad that I was willing to make any deal with the universe to feel better. I would of rather been in labor with another baby that's how bad I felt. Through out the whole weekend while I was feeling icky my husband took over and helped with kids and nurses me. (He usually helps a ton) but this was different. I laid on the couch and played simcity while my stomach cramped. It was nice to relax. I still helped feed the baby. But I'm glad for my hubby. When asked if she would help me my oldest refused and said why should I help mom with her chores I just want to be lazy. Got to love teenagers.  Now she's sick and she wants mommy to baby her. Even though she was mean to me all weekend and I was a little mean back since my feelings were hurt I still take care of sick kids even if that means baby them. That's just the type of mom I am. I hope the two little ones don't get this. My little evil e had a stomach virus so bad a few months back that she had to be hospitalized. It was scary. She couldn't keep anything down. She was constantly sick, very dehydrated. Looked like a skeleton. I was worried. She even lost weight. After two days in the hospital with meds and an I.v she was better. My heart goes out to the moms and dads who have kids with cancer and terminal illnesses. She was just sick with a bug and I was scared. I can't imagine how it is for the parents with a really sick child. Hopefully she won't get it and I really hope the baby won't either.

Cell Phone Hell

I have been a US Cellular customer for 8 years and I love them! But sadly I received a letter that they sold my contract along with any who lives in Illinois, St. Louis and Indiana to Sprint. I hate Sprint. I used to have AT&T than they switched to Cingular and they were putting extra amounts in my bills with no explanations, than Nextel who switched to Sprint who was shutting my phone off after I paid a bill and wanted more money. They did this when I locked my keys in the car and needed to call for help so I had to walk a few miles in the rain to a ranger station since I was camping. I was super frustrated. I am very sad and frustrated to have to look for a different phone since my is invalid at other companies and find a company that has good deals, customer service and doesn't drop calls. I am very nervous. I have been doing research on this for the last few days. I know this may sound silly to some since it is just a cell phone. But unfortunately I am very much attached to electronics from the hip. I lost my phone once at the Library and quickly found it but in that short time I was freaking out. I have so much information on my phone that is important that if I lost it I would feel like my arm was cut off and I wouldn't know what to do. Same with my laptop. I know there was a time that we didn't have cell phones or laptops but I am so tech savvy and attached that if we had a permanent black out like my favorite show "Revolution" I would probably have a heart attack lol. So I have narrowed it down to T-mobile and Verizon. Both have good deals but T-mobile has already pissed me off. I found the plan and phone yesterday that worked for me and sent it through online and stupidly used a credit card that was in my maiden name (They won't switch to my married last name till I sent a social security card, which I won't) so I had to talk to customer service and the guy was trying to get me to buy on the phone and kept telling me things that were wrong.( I told you I do my research and am very tech savvy. I was once offered a job at US Cellular for knowing so much about phones. If I am going to spend the money I better know the product and make sure it is worth my money and time. )So he deletes the order and tells me to redo the order which I do and it tells me to call customer service again. This time the rep tells me that my account needs verifying and this takes a few minutes than she tells me to refresh my screen, I do and then it was declining my credit card which she tells me I have to go into the store. I hate going into cell phone stores because you sit in line for awhile, They try to sell you stuff you don't want/need, and sometimes I don't like people that much lol. So I am going to try doing this online again if this doesn't work than Verizon wins by default. Ugh so frustrating. I am almost said (in a tantrum state mind you) yesterday that I was going to add my tablet to my husbands account on Sprint and not have a phone but talk on my tablet. I won't be able to text but can make phone calls and I love my tablet. Everyone laughed at me that I said this too. I just hate all of this decisions. Oh well if that is all that my problem is than I guess my life is really good :) Hopefully this gets resolved soon since I sat all day on the computer yesterday trying to figure this out. I have a no electronics/tv rule after 11am so I can spend unlimited/uninterrupted time with the kids and they are not allowed to watch tv either. So we turn on music and dance, or do crafts or go somewhere. Than during nap time I can go back online after I do my chores. My name is Heather and I am addicted to my computer,cell phone, lap top and i pod lol.

Mom or non mom?

I have been struggling with my "mom" look. I literally have shirts in my dresser divided in two sections mom and non mom shirts. The "non mom" shirts are just graphic t shirts, young hip looking. The "mom" shirts are a little more baggier and something my mom would wear lol. The "mom" shirts are not ugly they have designs and they fit me well but they make me feel like an old lady, they are something you would buy in the womens section of a store which is geared to the older women and the "non mom" shirts are in the junior section of a store geared for younger women. I am not saying that you can't look like a mom dressed like in high heels and a mini skirt. There is no right or wrong. I personally dress like a non mom when I am with  mom friends and when I am home I dress like a mom. I have put myself in this category where I split myself when Mysterious m was born. Because I am tattooed and come from a family where that is not acceptable. I do make sure when I am with family that I have a sweater to cover up my arms, so that is another reason I split myself up in two different categories. I want to be a cute mom in nice clothing. I like to look good because it makes me feel good. My hair is super long and I have been debating on cutting it short to get a different look and making it easier to style. Because again back to the mom look, I feel like I have mom hair. Not super mom hair, but I am showered, brushed and either braided, or half pony mom hair. Which is not bad looking but after awhile it starts to make me feel frumpy. I want people to see me in a store and not be able to tell by looking at me that I have three kids. I am not saying there is anything wrong that I have three kids. I love my kids. I just want to feel young and fresh. Same reason I have dyed my hair for the last 22 years, for the vibrant look that red gives me. I go through this phase after each child once I loose the baby weight and try to get back to finding myself. With each child I cut my hair differently, got new clothes and broke out of my mom mold. It is so I still have an identity and not just mom. I am still Heather and that is why even if I am at home I still put eyeliner, mascara and do my hair. I want to feel good and confident. I know we all struggle with weight issues, body issues and image issues. I just want to feel good. Do you ever feel like this? What is your wardrobe like?

Feel like I am drowning

I can't believe it has been five months since I last wrote on here. I constantly am saying to myself ooh that will be a good blog and i forget and don't blog anything. Today I need to start doing things for myself especially blogging. I am feeling very in a funk today the raining isn't helping and they are talking about snow tomorrow and two days next week. Ugh well enough about the crazy weather. I am feeling like all I am is a mom not saying that is a bad thing. Let me help you understand what I am meaning. When you are a working mom (speaking from my own experiences not every working mother in the world) which I was once upon a time, I wanted to be able to with my kids more, spend more time doing fun things with them, I felt chained to my job. Now that I am a stay at home mom and have been for a few years now I feel chained to my home. So I am trying to find a balance where I don't just feel like a mom and not a person. Also I have noticed when I am talking to family or non mom friends, I feel like all I am doing is talking about my kids and not listening as much. Which is one of my flaws I am working on. I do most of my thinking in the shower, and as I was enjoying my shower so I could enjoy my coffee I thought about my blogging, not having any real me time, not doing anything for myself really anymore. Today I am a little lonely, feeling a little down, and realizing I can't allow these feelings to take over or I will just lose. And I hate losing lol. Lately since of weather my day has consisted of me just fading out in front of a television or playing a game. Some time I don't feel like such a great mom since my daughter usually doesn't watch much television but lately she has watched entirely too much. I do plan play dates 2-3 times a week so that we are being social and getting out of the house. But I want to do more. So today I am getting off my pity pedestal and am going to be a better mother(not saying I am a bad one, just today I feel like I suck). Sometimes life kicks you in the head and you feel discouraged. I am feeling that way a lot lately. With Mysterious m struggling with her bipolar, which is hard on me since she really isn't trying in therapy all she does is blame me, or repeat things she is told, we are all working on her to express her feelings in the right way and to own up to her lying, bad habits, laziness. It is a struggle but I am hopeful. She is starting a mentor program tomorrow where a lady will come into my home and take her out twice a week for two hours at a time. She will take her wherever she wants to go and teach her coping skills, better ways to talk to us, social skills and other things we talked about in therapy that I can't remember right now. I am positive in the long run this will work out. That is the only way I can be in this hard situation is hopeful. I am hopeful my husband will learn how to be more patience with Mysterious m and her bipolar, I am hopeful Mysterious m will be more positive and less dramatic. I am hopeful that I will get more strength each day to continue to help her.Now to the other children: Evil e is learning more like behind you, next to you and I am so proud of her. She has more conversations with me and she is a delight. She has recently started having a problem with wetting herself while napping or sleeping. She is completely potty trained and now wears pull ups. I am not sure why we went backwards but I am trying to help her. Walker is extremely fussy lately and barely naps during the day. Yesterday he slept twice in the car, I went to visit a family member and it was the most he has slept in days. Not sure why he is having a sleep problem during the day but am thankful it is not at night. The last time we weighed him he was 16.5 pounds. I will have to weigh him to see how much he has gained recently. He will be four months on 4/26. My little boy is growing so fast. It makes me sad to realize how fast my kids are growing. I am going to try to give myself a little me time a day to do things beside shower, drink coffee and read my book at night. I promise to write each morning during coffee time or atleast a few times a day. Please don't think I don't want want to be a mom or that I don't like my kids, I am trying to just find a balance. I have a brain that likes to continue to have knowledge. I used to read textbooks about different subjects when I was bored when I was 20. I think I might do that again, I'm weird but I like learning new things and not feeling like my brain is turning to mush. Ok well Evil e has woken up and coffee time is almost over so tomorrow my friends......

When patience isn't enough

It's been awhile since I have written in this and a lot has happened. I am 30 weeks pregnant and so done. I am glad third trimester moves fast but i wish it would go by faster. I have heartburn, back hurts all the time, hard to sleep at times, wake up numerous times through the night to go pee. My pre-eclampsia has started showing a little bit. There was a trace of it in my urine the last ob appointment so we wait for two weeks till my next appointment and if there is a higher amount they will decide from there what to do. My maternal fetal medicine doctor has told me that he will take my son out as early as 34 weeks if preeclampsia shows since it can get complicated with the pregnancy. So we will see. My diabetes is sorta getting into trouble with lots of upping my insulin at night since my fastening numbers have been super high. Its hard being pregnant and diabetic you want to eat everything sweet. 9 more weeks to go and jelly bean will be here. No I still don't have a name its either walker or Niko. Hubby wants Niko, I want walker but we  both like each name. So we are torn. So to be continued..... My Evil e will be 3 in February which I can't believe how fast time flies and how much she is growing,  talking, learning, and will no longer by my little baby. Stupid hormones making me sad and want to cry while writing this. Then there is my little sweet pea Mysterious m. She has recently been put in inpatient at a hospital for children and adolescents who have behavioral issues. She had a plan to kill herself and I had to act on it or I would never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.This past year has been a hard year for her and all of us. She has been more moody, aggressive, homicidal and suicidal. But a lot of these instances alone makes you think its a typical 12 year old trying to figure out who they are and nothing to worry about but in the big picture with all of it together you realize there is a mood disorder here. Which is where her doctors and I are at this moment. So far they think its bipolar and that makes sense to me. So we are running different test to make sure its nothing else and nothing medical. She has been really aggressive to her younger sister and a few times to myself. She has homicidal tendencies to myself and my husband a lot for the last six months. I just thought it was anger. I blame myself a lot for what is going on with her. I know its not my fault. But I knew that something like this would eventually happen since i have family members that have mental health problems. I shouldn't say I knew I should say I always worried that it would happen. I just want her happy and healthy. It is hard for me to not have her here with me, to see what she is going through and to not be able to make it go away. I know none of its my fault or hers or any ones. But as her mom i will blame myself time to time since that is what moms do. I did the best thing and put her where she is getting great care and counseling, medication and the testing that she needs. I see her twice a week for visiting hours and once a week for family counseling plus she talks to me 10 minutes every day but that doesn't take the whole in my heart away. It is hard but it would have been harder if i didn't do anything. But I still miss my baby. I can't wait for the day I can take her home and smother her with kisses till she screams. I just get sad because it is November and there is so much going on this month with my baby shower, birthday party for a cousin, thanksgiving, school stuff and for some of it she won't be out to see it. She was admitted Monday and it has only been a few days but so far they are talking a few weeks up to six maybe longer. I am hoping it will be on the shorter end. But I don't want her to come home to early and not get the care she needs. Plus being the weekend today is super hard on me. Because weekends are family time and we spend every moment with each other. We are a close family and being apart sucks. My natural instinct when I am sad is to eat crappy junk food and sweets. Being diabetic I can't do that. That sucks. So tonight we went grocery shopping and i overindulged in buying sweets that I will slowly eat instead of the binge eating i would love to do. I am going to try to occupy my mind this weekend it is just hard when i am sad. Plus during the week I am talking to her doctors, her school counselor, therapist for hours every day that I can't do anything for awhile which keeps me inside and makes me lonely. Its a tough time right now and I am so grateful for all of my friends and family who have shown love and support. I am trying to read, write or paint during the day to take my mind off of things for a few hours. My body is showing the stress by having a rough night sleep, stomach issues and feeling dehydrated but i take care of myself and that is all that i can do. Right now I am trying to remember just breathe. Just keep swimming is what comes to my mind and has always helped me when I come into rough spots in life. I love that movie. 80's music helps too especially foot loose makes me want to dance and the upbeat music helps uplift me. I needed to get this all of my chest and I promise to write more than a few months or weeks at a time. Dale got his wisdom tooth pulled out today and his mouth is hurting him so I have to finish writing so that i can give him some tlc and eat a late dinner.

New adventures in sleepy town

It has been two weeks since school started and I still hate getting up at 650/7am. I sometimes don't shower till 830. I have a routine going every morning and feel very accomplished. I am more tired now than I have ever been. I had energy in this trimester until I started waking up early. We even mad the night time routine better so kids are asleep in bed no later than 9, we can have adult time and he can be in bed by 10. Me not so much I read my book (which finally started to get good so I can finally get through it and onto the next book in that series) til either 11 or fall asleep reading it and wake up to go to the bathroom and shut off the light. But so far the night and day routine has worked out fine. I was proud of myself last week I finally got energy, motivation and cooperation from a little lady (emie) to do my house cleaning on Friday. There has been however problems with Mysterious m's attitude and behavior and now it is rubbing off onto her school work. It takes her 5 hours to do homework. Now I have to cut homework off at 6pm so she can do her little bit of chores and night time routine then she can finish homework. I have emailed the team leader (middle school grades are split into two teams) about her doing homework for 5-6 hours and having issues with it. She already knew that she was having issues before I emailed her, meaning she is showing this behavior at school. Great. I had to do the same thing last year with her last team leader. Last year was horrendous. She didn't turn in assignments on time or at all. She had bad organization skills where her homework was crumbled, thrown in locker, she didn't write assignments down in her assignment notebook, wasn't letting us check her homework and her grades were failing. Well only two were bad math and literature. After the team leader was working with us (I am not at school and can't see what she is doing there) her math grade went up from a c to an a! Her literature went from a D to a B! She did great and ended up on honor roll and was proud of herself. Now she is falling back into bad behaviors, when asked why she sasses back, doesn't care, doesn't do chores, doesn't do her homework she says I just don't care about life. I don't understand why someone who has a good life doesn't care. I had a bad life when I was her age and all I wanted was someone to care enough to discipline me, and show me the things i show her. She just doesn't get what I do for her instead she says I am mean when I punish her. WTF. Oh well what can I do. All I can do is just keep working with her team leader, keep the communication open with her and punish when needed. Emie has gone on a learning schedule. Which we always were on but I am more strict about it during school time. I teach her colors, alphabet, letters, numbers, different harder words, her full name, where she lives, she watches educational shows, reads educational books. I try my best to teach her the way i should. My new adventure has been starting a business with Avon. I decided to try to do it since I love Avon and it would be nice for some extra money. I have a website where you can buy online if you want. http://htenney.avonrepresentative.com/. So far my only customer has been my mom who bough a lot from me last campaign. The new campaign is 18 and is due in 6 days on 8/27. I am nervous that I won't sell this campaign. I really want my business to succeed. I have advertised on Craig's list, twitter, my Avon face book fan page:
https://www.face book.com/HeathersAvonMarkAndTinyTilliaPage
and I have even left books at Woodman's in Wisconsin along with some business cards i have. Still no new customers or orders. I gave some books to my mil, my mom and some family members. I am nervous this won't work. I am trying to stay positive. I just really want to be successful and make some extra money for my family. I stress out over money and this would help me not stress out. If you would like to buy online go on my site, if you would like to order directly through me you can email me at heathertenney@rocketmail.com and I will give you my info. I have some books for campaign 18 & 19. 19 is halloween stuff and I will be having a launch party for that campaign so people can see the product. So hopefully I can sell more and get more customers. Fingers crossed. My other adventure is this pregnancy. As you all know I am high risk so I go to my ob every 3 weeks, and a maternal fetal medicine doctor every 2 weeks. Today I will be seeing a dietitian for my diabetes. I am type 2 and have been since before my second, maybe before that. I had a few bad doctors that didn't care about my health issues before emie ( i was on public aid and they treated me badly), now I have awesome doctors who want to make sure I get the medicine I need for my multiple sclerosis and diabetes. I am having my thyroid checked out and my heart too. They are worried about these things. I see my new neurologist soon. So I am on a doctor schedule, that is the way my mfm likes it. So far baby boy is growing well and strong. Hes very healthy. Which is great news. I will write again soon need to take my blood sugar level and try to convince emie for us to leave house since I am bored. :)

Summer is almost over

I haven't been on in almost two months. It has been hard trying to keep a 12 year old and a 2 year old busy. Two different age groups is hard to keep occupied without hearing I'm bored from the older one. Although you still heard that word no matter what. Also the last month Evil e has decided that she would have a pacifier full time again and stop potty training. The past week I have weaned her off for a few hours at a time of the pacifier. She doesn't take it at bedtime. Potty training has been back to full affect the past week. Not sure why she did all this but I am assuming it might be the new baby growing in my tummy that she is jealous of. She is super excited and likes to hear his heartbeat (I have a home doppler so I can hear the baby)and talk to him. I have a video monitor and she thinks she can see the baby in my tummy with that she is confused that you have to wait for baby to come out before you see him lol. She is speaking so well in sentences, counting more and more excited about life in general. When her sister starts school on august 13, I will start teaching her pre-school stuff and doing more craft activities and more play dates. She loves to finger paint and draw. I am also thinking of getting her into some sort of dance class and gymnastics for toddlers. She loves to do both. For us summer is almost over since my oldest starts school on Monday. She will be in 7th grade. I can't believe how time flies by. Last year she improved her grades so much that she went on honor roll. I am so proud of her. This year she wants to keep that up. Sometime this week I have to take her to get her first day of school outfit. It is our tradition and spending us time. Its fun, she loves it a lot. My husband has been doing more overtime for extra money which is nice but I miss him. Still trying to work in a date night. Need to find a sitter first or train the 12 year old harder. I really would like to go to the movies or dinner without kids. Our us time usually is at night after kids go to bed. As for jelly bean we do have names picked out and some family members know. I might make it a vote on here, not sure yet about that. I suddenly just got a craving for a chicken sandwich from wendys. Ok back to writing lol. He is growing more and more, kicking more and this second trimester hasn't been too bad. First trimester was horrible. This is me so far and I am 17 weeks and counting. 
I can't wait to see him and hold him. As far as I go I have been slowly reading book 4 of 6 from vampire academy on my tablet. And I just want to get past this book it is slow and not enough action plus i want to hurry up and read this series so I can read the book I have been waiting for. Shadow of night by Deborah harkness. It is book 2 of 3. 3 unfortunately is not out yet and there is talk about a movie coming out for the first book. I loved that book so much i felt like i was cheating on the main character with my husband lol. You get involved in that book. I love that when that happens. All right will be heading off here so I can do my inventory/menu/grocery list. Later I will come back on and give some budget tips and explain my menu process. I have been asked by a few friends to tell them about it and I decided to do a blog on it.

My jelly bean

Jelly bean is what we call the baby. My husband was calling the baby tapeworm (he thought he was funny) and I thought jelly bean was nicer and more appropriate. So far jelly bean has made me extremely nauseous and I have a sour stomach every night. I wake up every night at 2am and can't fall asleep till 4 or 5 am. Partially because I am wide awake after going to the bathroom and partially because I now have a sour stomach so I am eating tums and thinking about things. Some of the things I think about are things I worry about. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I just do either it is from talking to someone or watching things on tv or reading about them. My worries right now have been about miscarriage and if this baby will be alive. I am constantly wondering about the baby inside when I am pregnant. I did this with both girls. Not as bad as I am now with this one but I still did it. Normally I worry in the third trimester. I think it might be because this time it was planned and this time I have someone who wants it as bad as I do. I strongly believe my children are miracles since I have one ovary (one was removed in 1996 when I had a huge softball sized cyst on my ovary and they couldn't remove my cyst without the ovary)and one of my Fallopian tubes is scarred from having an eptopic pregnancy and they removed the baby and there was scarring. So I full heartly believe my kids are miracles. I just can't believe that a universe that would give me a miracle would take that away. I know it happens and all baby are miracles. And I am not saying that the babies that aren't born aren't miracles. I believe they are too and all babies are. I just am trying to be positive and want a good outcome for myself. So the newest thing my jelly bean has given me is constipation. I have been in so much discomfort i started having a sharp pain so I called the doctor and they told me to take a stool softener and a fiber chew. Hopefully this works which I think it will. I can't wait for time to speed up and for me to meet this baby. I am only 8.5 weeks and I am ready to be done lol. It seems when you are pregnant that it takes forever and when the baby is born time flashes so fast that the child becomes grown. Look how fast time has flown for me. Mysterious m is 12 and Evil e is 2. As you can see in the pictures above they have grown so much. Mysterious m  is so tall and Evil e has hair. I love both my girls I wish they would not grow so fast. I just want them to be my babies forever. I love being a sahm to Evil e and teaching her new things. She knows her colors, abcs, is learning parts of Spanish and Italian, can count to 10. She talks more and more clearly. Mysterious m is entering 7th grade next year and is on honor roll. I love watching their different personalities and likes/dislikes. One is a tomb boy(Evil e) and one is a girly girl(mysterious m) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am also very excited that I have my 1 year anniversary on Monday to my awesome husband. I look forward to 50 more with him. I have known him for 10 years and am glad to have picked him as my soul mate. We are perfect together. Now I will go switch my laundry and finish making dinner. I won't wait so long to write another.

Mothers day and catching up

My mother's day was pretty good. I went out to eat with my in laws and visited with them after. My husband got me a crock pot, a canopy bench swing, a stand for my tablet and chocolates from see candies. He spoils me. (This is why I love him, j/k lol) My oldest bought me fake flowers and arranged them from me. (I am allergic to real flowers)I also found out we are pregnant (we will jump up and down and talk endlessly about it when i see baby on ultrasound on may 22). That was a good weekend then came the week and I am sick with tonsillitis and stomach issues thanks to the unmentionable #3. Typical for me in my condition that is one of the reasons I am high risk, low immune system. We have also had huge internet issues with it going out every day and sometimes I could only go on for a few minutes to only 2 hours a day, thankfully enough time to pay bills. So I have been going on the internet on my phone, not the same btw. And my phone has issues can't wait to upgrade that. I have not cleaned my house in awhile from not feeling good to being very tired to being busy I don't feel accomplished right now. So today I have a burst of energy right now for some reason and I plan on cleaning after I eat. I also plan in the next week on being very preschooling with my youngest and being more educational less tv on (although she doesn't really watch very much, I just don't like quiet, I know I am weird but I am use to lots of talking from when I was a kid and lived with grandparents, family.) I want to try busy bags and fun educational make your own games, plus my oldest will be out of school next Wednesday so we can go to pools, zoos, morton arboreteum more. Not like we haven't but more fun when we all can and since the weather is nice we can start going to Wisconsin where our family home is and go on the boat and swim and fish. Too bad I can't go on the inner tube because of unmentionable #3 but that is what happens when you want to be a mom. I also can't go on the jet ski but i will find other ways to have fun. I love summer and all the things you can do in it.

Prisoner of the terrible twos

Today I had an event set up for my mom's group that i am a leader of. Evil e woke up early at 7:45am because of mysterious m. So that was going to be a rough start no matter what. As i was going to take a shower, Evil e decided that she had to take one with me. I was fine with this. She got naked and we have a big enough shower with a glass door to fit two people (well two adults like six little emies lol)and she enjoyed washing her hair and body like a big person. Then i let her run around in her diaper while i finished getting ready.Her hair is naturally curly and it got even curlier running around. As you can see below. Then shortly after that she had an
explosion in her diaper of the runs. It was so gross and running down her legs. I cleaned her up and decided she needed time to see if she was going to get sick again before we went to the event. (just so you know i have stopped writing this four times to check on what trouble she is getting into) Than as I dressed her she had a complete melt down and didn't like her dress with leggings i put on. Yes she is that picky sometimes on what she wears. So i took it off and put on a shirt and she kept saying no shirt no shirt. This my friends is a bad emie day a day where i can't get out of the house because she throws tantrum after tantrum and i won't go anywhere with a screaming child. Instead we will read or watch movies at home. If she behaves we will go to the library or somewhere close. I always make events an hour or so away from where i live since there isn't much out here by me and i am trying to be fair to other members and there distances. But it always seems with emie and her terrible twos i can never get out the door. Sometimes i am even 30minutes -1 hour late to events. I feel guilty and feel like i should stay in the house away from everyone so that no one sees my bad terrible 2. Mysterious m didn't go through the terrible 2s like this. Hers wasn't so bad but now she is going through the terrible pre-teens. Sometimes with all of the crying and tantrums from both girls i just want to run to Tahiti or have a stiff drink. All i can do is try to get through the moment and hope to calm both of them down and survive through the day without killing children lol. Now that i got that out and i finally came back to blogging after 3 months i am going to take emie to a garage sale in  my neighborhood. Don't get me wrong i still want to do events and meet new moms. I especially want to meet moms in my town so i don't have to drive far for a social encounter i just don't know how to with her terrible 2s. I am in desperate need of mom friends to hang out with more and get close with. I so need and want a best friend who is not my husband. Tata for now since emie is throwing a fit since i wont let her run water in the sink lol.

lt's been awhile.

I know it has been awhile since I have written in this blog. I got busy with the holidays and sometimes I just don't feel like writing or talking. I know I shouldn't feel this way since it only makes me feel lonelier and more blue. But   its an old way that I use to deal with things. I have been trying more and more to get out of the house. I hate winter and it is hard for me to get motivated to go somewhere when i know that it is cold and usually to go to a fun place, I have to drive a pretty good distance. That is the same reason I don't see my friends. Most people and things I want to do is 35 minutes to an hour away but with a child who hates being in cars (as much as my little Evil e does), plus me hating how other people drive, those are the reasons I barely leave my house. Plus I don't like to spend a lot because of financial issues. But I finally said I can't do this anymore. I have been fighting depression all winter long and enough is enough. So a little each week I go out like one or two days a week with emie. (hey baby steps, i would like to do more but once or twice a week is a start). I am also going to try to limit tv time for evil e during the day and be more organized with time. I am going to treat home like it would be for her at school. I am going to have a music time, art time, learning sign language time(i have taught her since she was six months but not consistently),learning numbers and letters time. I want to feel like I am actually teaching her something and that we are interacting more. I know that she knows a lot of words and is very smart. We do play a lot with each other each day but I need structure for me so that I am not bored during the day as much as I am. This way I can cut down my computer time. I am addicted to my computer and Internet. I am always playing on facebook or doing something online. I want to cut that down when emie is awake, mikayla is home from school and when my hubbie is home. My goal is to  give emie the structured time she needs then real me time(which is during nap time and which consists of reading a book, painting or scrap booking. Things I keep saying I will get to but am tired of making excuses and am doing it now). Then when Mysterious m comes home after homework I will give her quality time and the same with my husband. I do give everyone attention but feel I need to give more. I am feeling like because I don't work anymore outside of the home that I  am not really doing anything. I do cook,clean and take care of kids but am not feeling my purpose in life. So structure will be good for me.