bad mom

My oldest always has a way of making me feel like a bad mom. She fights, talks back and says I don't like her and that when I am punishing her that is how I get back at her. She always says when I tell my husband that she is being bad "why do you have to be a bad mom and tell him". Today for example I have my nieces over from a sleepover they had with us last night. My oldest who is 11 was good last night but this morning turned into her normal not listening self. She got mouthy a few times with me but I let them slide and told her to knock it off. Then she was fine pretty much all day.... Emerald went down for a nap and the other kids wanted to ride bikes in my driveway. Mikayla freaked out on me because I wanted her to ride her newer bigger bike and let her cousin who is smaller ride her old bike. She started yelling at me because she is afraid to completely ride her bike and she didn't want to share. I told her to sit down and relax and she started mouthing off more. So I sent her in the house to stay in her bedroom. Then the girls didn't want to ride bikes since Mikayla wasn't out there so they went in the kiddie pool. I went upstairs to talk to mikayla and she was crying and telling me i'm a bad mom. It's all my fault. I really hate when does that to me. I didn't do anything wrong. My job as a parent is sometimes not rewarding when i have to punish. My job is to make sure I teach right from wrong and make sure she is safe,. If I let her walk around talking to me like I am lower than her then I am doing a disservice to her when she is older. She also doesn't like to do chores. Everyday is a struggle to get her to do chores, take a shower, listen to me and not mouth off. Sometimes I feel like I mess up with her. Do you ever feel this way? Being a parent is hard.

Bills.Pools. Bikes

All I have done today is stayed in my pajamas did laundry( I do mine,Dale's,Mikayla's,emerald's and my brothers, I don't trust they will put the clothes away neatly.), payed bills, found a pool for all of us to swim in, found bikes for us to buy on Craig's list that are cheap. My goal is for everyone to have a bike so we can go on bike rides together. I even found a bike trailer that fits two kids to go on the back of my bike. I love Craig's list to find stuff that isn't in bad shape and isn't a lot of money. I feel proud that we are catching up on bills and I feel like we will be all caught up very soon. I was scared for awhile but I'm not anymore. I am a good budgeter. I try very hard not to buy something I don't need. We don't go out a lot and we have a backyard full of stuff for the kiddies. I love my house. Next I am looking for playschool houses or play items for Emie to play in. I am looking on craigs list. I also went to a garage sale yesterday and bought some baby toys,clothes for mikayla, and a motorized truck for Emie. That truck was such a good find. I paid 25 when it is normally 300 or so. I love those kind of finds. So dale just bought us 3 bikes for 100. Yeah craigs list! The only thing I really need to learn is how do I get my grocery bill down a lot. I coupon shop, I shop deals. I need to learn how to save more grocery shopping. I am open to suggestions.

Lots of thoughts in my head

So this morning I have been reading other blogs and just thinking about my life and how much I have grown in the last almost 31 years. (yes my birthday is next Thursday and I will be 31. Thought you might want to know in case you wanted to buy me something lol) I love reading other women's blogs because it makes me feel like I am not alone in certain situations. I don't really have an example right now but just in general. I like how we can write on here as if it is our diary or as if we are talking to a friend. Sometimes I don't give my complete honesty and tell you everything that is going on in my world, only because I feel like I am putting my dirty laundry out there and get nervous what others must think of me. I do not frown upon it when I see others being openly honest on their blogs. I am not sure if I can do that. I am trying, I really am. It took me along time to even trust people like I do. I used to be sceptical of people because of the things that happened to me in the past. I still wonder sometimes when I am friends with new people if they truly like me or have a hidden agenda? But I push those feelings out of me so that I don't waste any useless energy on negative feelings. My past is the past but sometimes it does sneak up on me. I went  through a lot in my life that most people haven't and shouldn't. Trust me this stuff is scary, dark stuff that should be spoken of. It's that bad. But I am stronger from all of it and have grown and changed a lot. I love myself for who I am and what I will be. I like to help others who are going through I went through or just need a friend for advice. I like being that person. I like that I a married with two beautiful kids and hopefully soon more. I like that I am more stable than I have ever been in my life. I have become sorta a 1950's wife where I cook, clean and am happy being with my kids. I never wanted to be that person but I love that I am her. I love having a nice clean home that I am proud of. I still haven't decided what I will do in my future where school and career fall. Hopefully I will decide all that soon.

My week so far

So Dale is getting ready to drive out of town for work(so hate that he does). He will be back by 10pm or sooner tonight but still hate it. On July 31st he will be going to Connecticut for a week. I really don't want him to leave that long and I am debating if I will go with. (he already knows this and is OK with this) I have been thrown off all week with chores and errands due to the power outage. I haven't gone grocery shopping yet and have to very soon after i write this since i am officially out of diapers. How did I let that happen?! I have two kids and it takes me so long to get ready, feed them and do errands, what will I do when I have 3? My dad had his weekly visit here yesterday where we all played mad gab with him. Lots of fun, if you have never played you should. I keep saying I need to start walking around the block every night so I can lose weight. Well tonight hopefully I will get the chance. I really would like to get to know how to add things on my blog like other blogs do. (appearance things) I haven't found any blogs about older kids. It really is hard sometimes the age gap between mikayla and emerald. Mikayla is 11 and Emerald is 16 months. Its hard to find activities for both kid's ages. I love the help mikayla gives me but she is in the preteen stage and has loads of attitude and sassiness. So on a daily basis i am in a power struggle with her. Fun Fun. I am wondering if I should sell jewelry and other stuff I make online. A bunch of people say I should. Hmmmm. I have been applying for babysitting jobs where I either bring Emerald with or watch children here. No luck so far. Really would like extra money to have and to help with debt we have. Emerald is at the stage where I am getting a booster chair for her to sit at the table with us(she climbs on the chairs and sits and tries to eat with us), also I will be starting potty training slowly(she brings me the diaper when she poops and needs a changing). I have a moms night out tomorrow with my moms group. I can't wait since I haven't gone out by myself in months. I have a birthday party for my niece this weekend so I am not going to Wisconsin. I so need to the kids out of the house this week and weekend. Wondering what I will do?

Children, Rivers and sunburn

I had so much fun over the fourth of July weekend. We went to our in laws family home in Wisconsin where we went on the boat, went on the jet skis, swam in the river and relaxed with family. we had our own firework shows, with a campfire and some glow sticks that I got at the dollar store. It was a fun weekend. I got so sunburned on Monday that I have been recovering since. I also sometime over the weekend pulled or strained a muscle in my shoulder. It has been swollen and so painful to move. I haven't slept in three days, I keep waking up in pain. I feel a little bit better each day with Tylenol and cold packs and rest. Today I finally caught up on every one's laundry and tomorrow I hope I feel better enough to clean the house. Were going back up to Wisconsin this weekend. we try to go every weekend if we can. I have had two responses back to me on babysitting/nanny jobs. I am trying to get a babysitting/nanny job where I can bring emerald or I can watch children at my home. I think this fall I will take some CNA classes along with some child development classes. I have been thinking about starting my own home daycare, thanks to a friend of mine who has her own and has been helping me and trying to convince me to open my own. She knows who she is lol. Here is the web address for my profile on care.com.http://www.care.com/childcare/heathers799 So tell your friends or anyone else you know if you need a sitter/nanny and you live in Illinois in the northwest suburbs. So basically my week has just been applying for jobs, resting my shoulder so I can recover and enjoying the kids. I have had some stress with finances and home stuff but I am not one who likes to air my dirty laundry. Still not sure how honest and open I want to be on here.

Everything is back to normal. What is normal?

I got married June 11. It was a lot of work with doing it yourself favors, bouquets and other stuff I had to do for the wedding but very much worth it. I enjoyed every stressful moment of planning and organizing the wedding. There were some bloopers on the big day but that is how it goes. You can't have a perfect day but no biggie. We went to Vegas for our honeymoon. We drank, ate at buffets, I shopped a lot, and we listened to live music outside every day. It was tons of fun. I am very glad to have found my soul mate. Now I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I believe everything happens for a reason and that there is the right timing for everything. I am not saying we are perfect and we don't fight. We are equal partners that compromise in every situation sometimes we but heads and argue but we make up and realize that is what makes us individuals. I believe that is what is key in relationships. My life went from planning and organizing a wedding back to laundry, cooking and keeping kids occupied. I sometimes catch myself wondering what can i do as far as the job thing goes to make myself happy. For right now I am a stay at home mom. I am looking for babysitting, housekeeping and jobs I can do either at home or with kids with me so we don't have to pay for a sitter and so I don't have to be away from the kids. I always felt guilty working when Mikayla was little and she had to go to daycare or a sitter. I know it is what I had to do to make ends meet but I always felt like someone else was raising my kid and I was just a visitor. I have nothing against day cares, sitters or childcare in general. I think its great. I just feel like I should be watching them and making sure there minds are enriched. So I am deciding what my next step in life is.. Stay tuned for that decision. On the education note every summer Mikayla does worksheets I find in all subject from the grade level she just finished and some from the grade level she will start in fall. I found lots of great websites where I can print out the worksheets plus she goes online to education websites for 30 minutes a day on weekdays and plays educational games. I love that she isn't losing the information she learned and she loves that she can play online. Her and I also developed a goal chart for the summer of all the things she was scared of that she wants to accomplish. Like learning how to swim, ride a bike, roller skate, make new friends without moms help, read a book from start to finish. So far she has achieved two goals. I am so proud of her. We also have a summer reading program competition that her and I read as many books as we can and whoever reads the most wins. I make her do book reports for me so I know that she is actually Reading and not just saying she is. I believe reading is not only fun and imaginative but also a great way to get grades up. I also have flash cards I use for Emerald so she can learn her animals and colors. I plan on writing on this blog a lot more since everything is back to normal. See you soon....

Spring time

So now that it is spring time we will go for walks, play outside more, we are getting a sand box soon, also in the future a trampoline and a pool. I love spring and summer. I love being outside, on the boat, swimming, walking and bon fires. I am excited to see what new adventures I can get into this summer with my family. I have almost caught up to all of my shows since I have been working a lot. I also have gotten some little projects done. Now to get all of wedding stuff done then do some creative things for myself. I will be downloading a book onto my ipod so I can read on the go now. I miss reading. I am going to be setting a weekly hour time for myself so no one can bother me so I can have some me creative time. I have also decided I need to make more time for some girls night out time and hubby one on one time and not feel guilty about it. Its ok to want to have some time away from the kids and not feel like a bad mom. It's hard to do that but ok to do it. I have a lot going on because of the wedding, other people's weddings, birthdays, holidays and other fun summer/spring time stuff.

Questions to me

I decided to let everyone out there ask me questions and I will answer them. This way you can get to know me a little better. I think it would be fun. Please nothing to graphic or mean.

Celebrities and the media

I think it is funny sometimes when you see all the media on some people and they get mad when they get attention. Then don't do something stupid. Brittney doesn't like when everyone is judging or talking about her then why are you driving with your child in your lap or shaving your head in public or having public rants? When you are a celebrity if you don't take necessary precautions you will be noticed and criticized. Your humiliations will be out there for all of us to see. There are some celebrities who do it on purpose so they get noticed so they can get work but there are some who are just dumb and complain about it. Some are so good about being discrete that they disappear from the media and have a normal life but still do shows and movies. I do enjoy watching the celebrities doing silly things in the media but at the same time don't cry about it. You make good money for all your bloopers. Who cares what we little people think? lol

My view on politics and the world

I decided to write about this after having so many conversations lately with co workers and family about the president and politicians. First I really don't have a desire to ever vote. I know I know I should vote so I have my voice heard and so my opinion is voiced as well. But for the last 10 years I haven't had any real desire to vote since the presidential candidates have sucked. Our president right now isn't much of a good president. I know he is fixing other president's mistakes before him and he has done good things like extend unemployment but he makes me mad for the most part. He talks about the economy and changing things, then why doesn't he or the other politicians take a pay cut? Instead they make decisions about our lives while they are cushioned with their big salary. And they make decisions about health care and unemployment extensions when neither affect them. I want someone who understand poverty, understands unemployment, so when they make the decisions it will be from the heart and not who cares I will make a decision because it is my job. I know not everyone will agree or like my opinion but it is what I feel. I am very passionate on this since I was unemployed and a single mom for a long time. I have worked since I was 14 and have paid taxes and followed the law, so when I couldn't get an extension on my unemployment when the money was low to begin with I was scared, mad and frustrated. I was lucky to get a job within a month of that happening, have a good man to help me and a supportive family. There are some people out there in this world that don't have all that. I just wish that the president and politicians would see that when they make decisions. Also about this bin laden death. I hate that it is all over the news, people's face book statuses, and on the radio. I think we are glorifying some one's death. I understand he was a bad man and that he killed lots of people. I agree he deserved what he got. But we teach our children that violence is not good so is it OK that the person we are violent to is a really bad person, terrorist who killed a lot of people. I think the Media and just people in general sometimes find loop holes when it comes to right and wrong. I don't think it is right what he did and I don't think it is right that our troops are over there and can't come home. Also I don't think it is right that they will most likely retaliate against us and we will have to continue to fight. I hate violence and I hate that it is a regular choice for some people. I don't think that it is ever the answer. I understand why it is used in life but don't you think we are contradicting our selves when we teach our children violence is bad. So is OK only on some circumstances. I am a survivor of domestic, physical and mental abuse along with sexual violence. So I do see both sides. But just think about why it is OK. I never expect anyone to agree with me. It is just how I feel. I am open to hearing every one's side on what they feel.

Love the month of April don't love the snow

I can not believe it snowed in April. OK yes I can believe it snowed in April, I just didn't want it too. I really want the spring and summer weather back. My allergies don't want the spring but I do. I miss the warm weather, flowers (even though I am allergic to them), swimming, playing at the park with the kids. I can't wait to do that again. I need the sunshine as well. I can't do this gloomy weather. It makes me want to sleep forever and not get up for anything. Some good news. I am doing a little better at work not getting in trouble as much right now, noticing my mistakes before I leave so I can fix them, being very open to criticism. I am always positive when I go to work now I am extra positive so managers notice and don't say I am mad,sad or upset.(which I am not). I try to do extra things at work so they notice that I do like and want to keep my job. Just because on here or on face book I might say that I am tired or that my legs hurt doesn't mean that I don't like to work. I love working and providing for my family and most of all so that I can socialize for a bit. Everyone has tired days or days where you don't want to get out of bed. Don't hold that against me. I do have multiple sclerosis so sometimes it hurts to be awake and to just be. But I manage the pain and push myself through that. But I can complain if I want without someone thinking I am lazy or don't want to work. I don't think anyone really wants to work but I do. I like the moving around and keeping busy. Sometimes I might want to stay home so I can be with my kids or just so I can lay around but that's being human. Who doesn't want to do that sometimes. I just wish people wouldn't judge or mistake words that come out of people's mouths and just get to know someone before you assume. On another note I am teaching emie how to use a spoon and feed herself. It is messy but she is doing it.(after she takes the bowl and drinks out of it lol) Planning the wedding is coming along. I just hate planning, I don't mind the creative arts part or the baking part, I just hate planning any party. I am not that gal. I also lost all of the baby weight and went down 5 dress sizes. Yeah!!!! I would like to get toned and lose some more pounds so I can feel more fit. I try to on my extra time have time to write on here, workout and do creative things for myself. But right now that isn't working. I will keep trying. Also I have my brother living with me. I love him very much and am very close with him. OK emie and i will enjoy listening to glee soundtrack while eating our breakfast. Enjoy the day everyone.

What to wear

So I am going back and forth on what the men in my wedding party should wear. My dress is really elegant and I don't want the guys to look like bums but at the same time I want them to not be comfortable. I was thinking of dress pants with dress shoes and a nice dress shirt. I just haven't decided on what color. I was thinking black with red trimmings. I have no idea what I am doing. This planning wedding stuff is hard. I look online and try to get ideas from other people. I have people saying they will help but no one has really stepped up to the plate and said hey what do you need help on and i will help you on that. Oh well. I am open to any one's suggestions since I am clueless.

Choices, regrets, consequences and feelings

My babysitter quit without a phone call to tell me that she wasn't coming in. I got all ready for work on Tuesday and she didn't show. So I called her and left her voice mails and texts. I usually find my babysitters/nanny on a babysitting website. So I put another ad on there to find a new sitter. Right now I am in the interview process again for the third time. Ugh. One of the candidates is someone I wanted to pick the second time but it was between her and the sitter who quit. The only reason I didn't pick her was her age. She is 20 although the recent sitter was 26 and sometimes you can't guarantee things with someones age. I get all of the email alerts from that site to my phone and the babysitter who just quit sent me a message. She is mad since I put a bad review of her services on her profile. So she decided to review me (sitters can't really), so she emailed me what she thought of me. Basically telling me how if someone worked for me they would only work 3 or 4 hours for only 2 or 3 days a week for 7 an hour. Which I explain to everyone that I interview that we can only afford 7 an hour because of what I get paid plus we can only give 15-25 hours a week depending on my hours and when Dale gets home. This wasn't a surprise to her, I explained it all before I hired her. Then she brought up a time when we paid her weekly in checks and they bounced. She decided instead of cashing them when she got them to cash them all at one time a month later at the same time as bills were being taken out of the account. We apologized and gave her money for late fees and the checks plus extra. Then she brought up about gas money and us not worrying about her gas. She lives in Woodstock which is a 30 minute drive. I gave her gas money from time to time. My responsibility is to pay her for her time not make sure she has money for every little thing. I am not her husband. She was always on her phone when she was here, she was late, making it very close to the time I started almost making me late. She was judgemental and ate alot of my food. But I'm the bad guy right. Ugh. I hate having to hire someone to watch my kids when I don't know what is going on when I am not home. I love working but sometimes I wish I didn't have to. My stress levels have reached so high lately I want to run away to a tropical place with a drink in my hand. I am planning the wedding on a very small budget. I don't believe in spending a lot on one day. I am trying to work to get extra hours so I have money for my bills and extra money for the wedding, the kids, saving accounts. I am nervous all the time about losing my job even though I haven't been written up or anything bad. I am just nervous because of being on unemployment and that boss who laid me off constantly telling me that I will still have a job. I need my confidence back so that I don't worry about that stuff. I am trying to find a stress reliever because the Internet and computer isn't enough for my stress anymore. I think I will start painting this week and maybe writing some songs to get rid of the stress. I used to write songs and poems and stories when I was stressed.(before kids) I try to tell myself that no matter what happens with work and money that it work out and that it is out of my control. Dale and I will find a way. I am not alone in this anymore. It is just hard and I want to hide under the bed till I am 50. I know it will be OK I just need to relax. I can't wait till my honeymoon. This week I have to start looking for a dress and start making the invites. And I have a birthday party this Sunday for the girls to get ready for. Busy Busy. And sometime in between all that I have to find time to hang out with friends. I miss that. It has been a long time.

Freedom is my question

Sometimes I wonder how much freedom I have on what I can write on here or what i can say in life. Sometimes I feel like I have to sensor what I say on here so I don't offend anyone or make anyone mad. So I say what I feel and think but not fully. I do that in life with certain people. People sometimes take me in a different way and think they know me because of how they perceive me. But unless they really know me, they don't who I really am. I have been through a lot in life. i am a better person  today then I was years ago. I will always grow and change myself. I just wish people would see that instead of my past. I hear people talking about my children as if they were  mistakes I should have gotten rid of. My choices are my choices, you don't have to understand them or like me. But they are my choices and i never regret the good choices. Most of the time I know what I am doing. In life you have to learn that the choices you make sometimes may not be the right one for that moment but in the long run it works out. i make the best choices I can for myself and my family. I just wish other people would keep their opinions to themselves. I don't judge you on how your life is run, why judge me. I have learned that I can't please everyone but myself and that I shouldn't listen to what other people say. It is just hard to when people won't stop talking all around you. I am a good person, i have a good sense of humor, I am positive every day and I have great work ethic. Yes there are a few things I need to work on. I am working on those things but instead of worrying about me and my mistakes. Why not worry about yourself and how to make yourself better. I just hate how it makes me feel when someone constantly points out my flaws. I will always do what I have to do to take care of my family and myself. I have been through hell  and back and came up ahead of it all. I will be fine. I just want the people who are in my life to walk with me not against me.

Sick babies and bad Internet

Along with being one, being sung happy birthday for the first time, saying a few words, drinking whole milk and learning new things, Emie is also getting her first cold. My poor baby is sneezing and sniffling. I feel bad for her. I have been giving her attention all day and catching up on my shows. I am so far back I am watching December shows. My Internet has Bern going on and off so I'm glad I download shows on vuze. I have not been getting a lot of sleep the last few days since Emie has been waking up. I really hope to get sleep tonight. I have been using every minute I have with thoughts for details on my wedding. There is so much to do. I love planning this I just wish I had more time for everything. I will be starting painting again and getting text books to enrich my mind. I can't wait. I look forward to it. I have found out how much I really love friends who are there for me. That wasn't sarcastic.

So much to do, so little brain power

So much is going on. Planning both girls birthday Party on the same day. Their birthdays are so close together that to have separate parties would be insane. The party will consist of Dale's family, my family, Emerald's friends (yes she has baby friends), my friends and Mikayla's school friends. Then on their actual birthdays we do something just for them with dinner and cake. Then I am planning my wedding which will be in June and the birthday party will be in march. I do have friends, family and of course Dale to help me with details. But I am still very stressed out. I over analyze an over detail everything. I think I change my mind about details probably every few days on anything in general I am planning. Plus I am trying to get more hours at work, which I succeeded in doing. Also trying to find time to read, write or do some me time creative thing. Did I mention I am doing the favors, cake, invitations, decorations and everything except for dresses and cake for the wedding as well as the birthday party. I really thought by doing this not only would I be saving money but I could express my creative side. See I knew I could find a way to do something for me and still do the things I need to do. I promise you I will only marry once, not just because I love him and know that he is the one for me and that he is my soul mate who I would be lost without, but because I could NEVER go through the STRESS of planning again, dealing with my family's input, other people's judgement AGAIN. Also I don't believe in DIVORCE. I believe if you really love someone and are sharing your life with them along with the commitment of marriage then you should fight for that relationship. I am not knocking people who are divorced or separated. That is just not for me. I have been with such crappy men and have still made an effort and fought for the relationship. Your mate should be someone who you are friends with, can't wait to run home to tell that person something you need to tell someone. Everyone is different. I just have strong beliefs in marriage, family and friendship. I come from a broken home and a divorce home. My mom was a single mother and I watched her struggle. I was a single mother and I struggled the day after day. Not saying you need a man to be happy or to survive. I don't, I just wanted someone to share my moments with. I have that. I am extremely grateful for that. Dale is my rock. I know when I have a bad day he will be there to make it better. I tell him everything as well as he tells me everything. OK enough of my beliefs, Emerald turned 1 today. I can't believe how fast the year went by. Her hair is growing, she is running and falling. She says a few words here and there,has her likes and dislikes. She is growing so fast. Today will be all about her. We will take her some where fun for her birthday and get a yummy cake. Then in nine days will be Mikayla's 11th birthday. Before you know it my kids will be all grown up. OK I just cried a little.

Thinking of past regrets

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I went to college. Will I ever go back and fulfill my dream as a nurse? Or will I only work jobs and never have a career. And how do I find time for me to express my creative side? I think of these things a lot. I am a creative person and sometimes I feel like I am hiding it. I feel like that part is sleeping. I also feel if I do spend time on that side that I am neglectingy obligations like the kids, the housework, and my man. So how do I fulfill myself but not feel guilty? I miss school. I know that sound weird but I lobe to learn and read new things. After I had mikayla I would buy different textbooks so I could learn something new. It might be tome for that again. I'm a person that always has to have knowledge around her. Always learning and growing. The last 10 years I have consumed my extra time with computer games or with Internet. I need to do that less and feed my knowledge more. Hopefully I can start this quest soon. Not sure where to start. As far as going back to school not sure where or if to start again there.

Things I need to learn

• How to be patient with myself if I don't do everything in one day
• As long as I do my job at work that is all that matters
• I can always improve myself and  be better, stronger and more of the person I need to be.
• Not to let anyone change my opinion about myself
• not to let anyone make me second guess myself
• To realize that is ok if I am not perfect
• Even if my child yells at me and tells me she hates me I am still a good mom and she will respect that when she gets older
• It's ok if I take some time for myself to be away from kids
• It's ok to work and be away from Emie, we spend tons of time together when I get home.

no excuses

I haven't blogged in at least two weeks. I get so busy with work when I come home I cook, clean, give attention to the kids and my man that i don't have energy to write my blog. I know, no excuses. I won't let it happen again. I sometimes don't even go on face book for three days. I have to find the time to not neglect my needs like painting, reading and blogging. I will find a balance. So let me catch you up on what has happened. Emerald had to go to the E.R. since she had a fever for two days, vomiting and diarrhea. At first I thought it was the flu or her new teeth coming that was bothering her but my maternal instinct told me to take her to the hospital. Glad I did. She had to have a catheter and an i.v. and they found up she had a u.t.i (urinary tract infection). She has been on meds for almost a week and a half. I felt so bad for her. Since then she has gotten better but she doesn't like bath time anymore. I don't know if she is traumatized from the incident or what. So Mikayla plays and sits in the bath with emie to ease her back in that routine. It has worked out so far. I still haven't caught up on my shows. Now my computer screen on my laptop is all messed up since emie threw her bottle at my screen and I accidentally moved the mouse to hard and it hit my screen. The new screen is coming on Tuesday from Ebay. Right now I am using Dale's netbook. So not the same. Oh well what can you do. At least I still have something to go onto the Internet or I would go crazy. I have spoken to my brother which was awesome since we haven't talked in four months. We talk and text a lot now. He told me why he wasn't talking to me and it wasn't my fault. My dad and my brother came to visit (I have a weekly dinner visit with my dad), it was nice. I love the relationship I have with my dad and brother. I am picking up some more hours in a different department since every department is cutting hours. So this way I can at least get a total of 30 until target gives the store more hours. I am just happy to be working even though it kills my body. My body sometimes doesn't want to move as hard and fast as I make it. Having MS sucks. I hate having MS. Right now I have a sinus cold that is making my head hurt. Dale is getting sick too. Emie has learned how to push over her toy organizer which is wood leveled in three levels.  It went flying. She is too smart for her own good. That's all really besides I have a secret that I can't tell yet. soon but not yet.

Feeling out of place

Ever feel like you did something stupid and feel like your out of place. I am a strong person and for some reason sometimes I go in the role of a weak person. I try to please others so much that I look weak or people think they can take advantage of me.  Just wondering why I put myself in that role. It's a flaw of mine that I hate. I am strong and usually don't take crap from anyone. But at work at any job I sometimes act this way. I want to be trusted, liked and most of all I want them to think of me when they need someone. I just don't want to be seen as a moron or someone who is not capable of doing things. I guess sometimes I do things wondering why I acted like that or why I said that. I sometimes act like a moron when I am at work. Not all the time. But times when I am put on the spot. I sometimes feel like a kid who would rather stay home in my safe controlled environment than be where I feel like I am on display. Sometimes I feel like I would rather stay home and not feel awkward in the public eye. Not saying I don't like to be in public or near people. I just don't like it when people talk to me as if I am stupid and don't understand things. I sometimes like working alone so I don't have to feel awkward.