Choices, regrets, consequences and feelings

My babysitter quit without a phone call to tell me that she wasn't coming in. I got all ready for work on Tuesday and she didn't show. So I called her and left her voice mails and texts. I usually find my babysitters/nanny on a babysitting website. So I put another ad on there to find a new sitter. Right now I am in the interview process again for the third time. Ugh. One of the candidates is someone I wanted to pick the second time but it was between her and the sitter who quit. The only reason I didn't pick her was her age. She is 20 although the recent sitter was 26 and sometimes you can't guarantee things with someones age. I get all of the email alerts from that site to my phone and the babysitter who just quit sent me a message. She is mad since I put a bad review of her services on her profile. So she decided to review me (sitters can't really), so she emailed me what she thought of me. Basically telling me how if someone worked for me they would only work 3 or 4 hours for only 2 or 3 days a week for 7 an hour. Which I explain to everyone that I interview that we can only afford 7 an hour because of what I get paid plus we can only give 15-25 hours a week depending on my hours and when Dale gets home. This wasn't a surprise to her, I explained it all before I hired her. Then she brought up a time when we paid her weekly in checks and they bounced. She decided instead of cashing them when she got them to cash them all at one time a month later at the same time as bills were being taken out of the account. We apologized and gave her money for late fees and the checks plus extra. Then she brought up about gas money and us not worrying about her gas. She lives in Woodstock which is a 30 minute drive. I gave her gas money from time to time. My responsibility is to pay her for her time not make sure she has money for every little thing. I am not her husband. She was always on her phone when she was here, she was late, making it very close to the time I started almost making me late. She was judgemental and ate alot of my food. But I'm the bad guy right. Ugh. I hate having to hire someone to watch my kids when I don't know what is going on when I am not home. I love working but sometimes I wish I didn't have to. My stress levels have reached so high lately I want to run away to a tropical place with a drink in my hand. I am planning the wedding on a very small budget. I don't believe in spending a lot on one day. I am trying to work to get extra hours so I have money for my bills and extra money for the wedding, the kids, saving accounts. I am nervous all the time about losing my job even though I haven't been written up or anything bad. I am just nervous because of being on unemployment and that boss who laid me off constantly telling me that I will still have a job. I need my confidence back so that I don't worry about that stuff. I am trying to find a stress reliever because the Internet and computer isn't enough for my stress anymore. I think I will start painting this week and maybe writing some songs to get rid of the stress. I used to write songs and poems and stories when I was stressed.(before kids) I try to tell myself that no matter what happens with work and money that it work out and that it is out of my control. Dale and I will find a way. I am not alone in this anymore. It is just hard and I want to hide under the bed till I am 50. I know it will be OK I just need to relax. I can't wait till my honeymoon. This week I have to start looking for a dress and start making the invites. And I have a birthday party this Sunday for the girls to get ready for. Busy Busy. And sometime in between all that I have to find time to hang out with friends. I miss that. It has been a long time.

Freedom is my question

Sometimes I wonder how much freedom I have on what I can write on here or what i can say in life. Sometimes I feel like I have to sensor what I say on here so I don't offend anyone or make anyone mad. So I say what I feel and think but not fully. I do that in life with certain people. People sometimes take me in a different way and think they know me because of how they perceive me. But unless they really know me, they don't who I really am. I have been through a lot in life. i am a better person  today then I was years ago. I will always grow and change myself. I just wish people would see that instead of my past. I hear people talking about my children as if they were  mistakes I should have gotten rid of. My choices are my choices, you don't have to understand them or like me. But they are my choices and i never regret the good choices. Most of the time I know what I am doing. In life you have to learn that the choices you make sometimes may not be the right one for that moment but in the long run it works out. i make the best choices I can for myself and my family. I just wish other people would keep their opinions to themselves. I don't judge you on how your life is run, why judge me. I have learned that I can't please everyone but myself and that I shouldn't listen to what other people say. It is just hard to when people won't stop talking all around you. I am a good person, i have a good sense of humor, I am positive every day and I have great work ethic. Yes there are a few things I need to work on. I am working on those things but instead of worrying about me and my mistakes. Why not worry about yourself and how to make yourself better. I just hate how it makes me feel when someone constantly points out my flaws. I will always do what I have to do to take care of my family and myself. I have been through hell  and back and came up ahead of it all. I will be fine. I just want the people who are in my life to walk with me not against me.