too many thoughts

As I lay in bed my head is full with thoughts, thoughts of tomorrow, thoughts of each day after till we meet again. My head was happy today due to mysterious getting accepted to the residential program that we applied for. After court tomorrow we take her and for a whole month we can't see her. They do that so the new levels can earn the next level. I know she needs the strict structure, I know I am doing the right thing, I know I have done all that I can and now it is up to her to use the tools we gave her in life to improve her behaviors and be a teenager a gain. My head keeps telling me all of this. As my heart is breaking in a million pieces and all I want to do is go in her room and watch her sleep like I did when she was a baby. As I write this tears flow down my cheeks.I know I am doing the right thing but it hurts.

I feel lost when she is gone like I am not whole unless she is with me all I have ever wanted is for my daughter to be happy. I know reactant happen till she gets the help she needs.residential will help her, I will have to continue to be strong. I have no other choice. I was reading this bloggers page where she had to leave an abusive relationship while d going so her son remained in with the guy until now, she has custody but my heart was breaking reading the poems and in d nights she had about her son and other kids from a previous relationship not being with her.and all I could think of was how I hope th o never feel that pain and that poor woman, I felt for her. It's not the same to say the least but mysterious could be gone for six months to a year.

I sleep poorly when she is gone in the hospital, I feel weird doing anything for myself when she is gone for those two weeks, how am I going to do this for 6months or a year? I'm angry at whatever monster took over my child, I want to hit and shake it. Tell why couldn't you leave my child alone. I miss my daughter who likes to chat with you about anything, I miss the child who like to play board games with me, do her nails, go shopping. One day the monster will be gone I tell myself, for now I will try so hard to not break. Can't break. I know she will be safe but it did still hard to let her go. I need time to fly so she can be with me again.

Writing will be my salvation, my out, my need so I don't breAk. I can do this, I need to do this as for my family.

Journal Entry 3-1-15

I know I haven't been on here in quite a long time but I need to start making this a regular thing for me as I need an outlet to get it all out and if someone else is reading this and they can relate well it helps to not feel like you are alone in all of this. I decided after talking to a friend a week ago that I would start blogging again and that I would start doing it like I am writing in a diary.


Journal Entry 3-1-15

Dear Journal,

I don't believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason. Yesterday I spoke with someone who I bowl with that just happened to be a nurse at the behavioral facility M recently went too. M told me about it and I decided that I would talk to her about it. I think anyone who can work with mentally ill people are special in my book. And anyone who wants to help my child is even more special in my book. Our conversation was nice and in the end we exchanged numbers. She also encouraged me to back into blogging, she even said I should write a book.

So this morning as I was checking face book while I was in the bathroom (sorry if tmi lol), there was an ad about a movie called no letting go. It's about a family struggling to cope with their son's mental illness. He becomes irritable, anxious and has a mood disorder. I watched the 30 second clip as tears strolled down my face, my heart was screaming that's my life. Now I couldn't find the movie anywhere since they are trying to raise money so that the movie can be made as an indie film first, but that movie felt like it was made for me. Now it is based in the time period when mental illnesses were just being talked about and coming out more, so that family's struggle was even harder as they most likely didn't have the resources we do now. But nonetheless I still was touched and felt that mom's struggle. Every day here is a struggle, M is aggressive, moody, defiant, mean and its a struggle.

My happy child is gone, nothing makes her happy anymore, she is on meds, we have two therapists who see her, she has a probation officer. Let me back up some since I haven't written in ages. M hit me a few times that were so violent I had to call the police, she hit her now 5 year old sister a few times over the years that needed medical attention, she also hit her dad a few times where he called the police. The arrest from me lead to her going to a peer trial where her peers would decide her punishment. Which they did, she had to write a book about anger, do at home community service and listen to her parents. She only followed the anger book. They than told her if she didn't follow the rules or if she harmed someone again than the arrest from me than could have her go to real court, which happened since she hit her dad again. So we have been going to court since November 28, 2014 and on March 18 she will be sentenced.

When this case first hit the court she went to a probation office since she has no record and they were just going to be light with her but when they asked why she is aggressive, she lied and said that her parents beat her causing a dcfs investigation to start when they realized there was no abuse and she said she was lying, she was than charged with a class a felony which is prison from 1 to 7 years. Thankfully the state dropped those charges so she just has misdemeanors for the domestic battery against myself and my husband. Her sentencing can be community service or juvenile detention time. Her probation officer and myself and my husband are working on her getting into residential. The probation officer will present that to the judge and the judge will decide if that is best for her. We think it is since she will be in a controlled environment where they can help work with her more on her bipolar manic episodes, since she has so many in a day.

So each day we deal with swearing, yelling, defiance behaviors with her not wanting to do her chores or school work, self harming, talk of suicide, talk of homicide. I just need her to have a good day. I need my happy child back. Okay journal time for me to clean the house before all the monsters wake up.

Lots of changes

I haven't written in months. I haven't posted in awhile. Been super busy with work, kids and household chores.

Here are some changes going on : hubby has two job offers in Florida and really likes one. So we are moving to Florida. Don't know the date just yet. Lots of variables I won't bore you with. Hubby is done with working in the cold winter weather outside each year. I don't blame him. It will be nice with no snow. My feelings on this is I'm excited for the new adventure but nervous of the change. I am nervous about not having any friends or family there. My hubby has a few cousins there and I do have one friend there but all are not close. I have lived in different states before but not for long. I have lived here in Illinois along time. Not that have a ton of time to hang out during the week since I'm working. Which is nice most of the time.

Mysterious has been having a super hard time for the last few months OK few years. Teenage years have been hard with her. She is feeling the awkwardness of the aspergers when it comes to social outcomes and the mood swings added from her hormones on to her bipolar.  The kid has it hard. But the last few months have been extreme talking back,  mouthing off,  swearing,  aggressiveness,  being violent and destroying our property. Its bad. We work with her therapist and psychologist and switch up punishments. Nothing has worked. We have given incentive. Nothing. She has flat out told us she wants no rules or to be told what to do. That is so not happening. That would be like lord of the fly's. Um no. This week she has tried a little more. Had a great therapy session and participated. Woot woot !!
I am proud of her. I just want her to not blame others an be happy. I just want her to see and know she can change. She is capable of it. I hope she keeps at it.

Texas is super smart. He has been telling me in baby language when he wants me to get up so he can show me what he wants from the fridge to eat. He will then go to  his chair to eat. He loves to wash his hands. He loves to play with his sisters and dance. He is getting so big. He plays games with me. He is super strong. He is full of personality. I love seeing him playing with Evilcious. They are super close with each other. He loves to play with play kitchens especially ovens. He likes to stick food in there and close it. Future chef maybe? He loves to play hide and seek and chase me. He is like his daddy where he wants to take things apart and see how they work.

Evilcious is super happy that winter is over. Even more happy that we told her we are going to move where there is no snow. Yes a child got super happy we will never see snow again. Because snow means we are stuck inside or playing at the library (which is fun) but not outside.

Everyone seems to be in better moods now that the weather has changed and we go outside every day. I hate cold and snow. It's beautiful to look at but icky to drive in and be in. 

I have so many thoughts racing through my head lately. So many thoughts that lead to fear, anxiety and have for some reason thought of death a lot. Not mine and not that I ever want something to happen to anyone but just wondering what would happen if my husband died or my kids. And just being super aware that is a possibility in life. Not saying it never was before. I think with moving on my mind my anxiety's and my addictions are playing tricks on my mind. I will be OK because I have great cyber friends to talk too plus my best friend is my hubby. How great is that.

Guilty Mom

I know we all have our guilty mom moments so here is mine. I feel guilty that now with my third, I make my own baby food, did not introduce juice to him yet and he is 14 months (I had to with both girls at 4 months since they both had serious constipation issues). I cloth diaper with him although I did with Evilcious as well just not with Mysterious. I am not saying if you do not do any of these things you are bad, I just feel bad since I have done a ton of research on things now that I didn't with Mysterious and some I didn't with Evilcious. I bought a new car seat for Texas today so that he can stay rear facing as long as he can. He is super tall and was hitting the back of the seat in his car seat plus the car seat I bought had great neck support, which is awesome for when he falls asleep. What sold it for me was a review from a mother whose child has down syndrome and lack of neck muscles and if the car seat is good enough for her child it is good enough for my child.

We were in a rush for Evilcious to turn around so that we could see her and interact with her facing front forward even though we have mirrors so we can still see them rear facing. I think we just felt we needed to that. Technically with her weight she could still be rear facing. She is only 32 pounds. Texas is 23 pounds but his height is super long 32 inches. I just want him comfortable but safe. The next car seat I will be buying is for Evilcious, the one I want will separate into a booster when it is time for that and it is bigger so she will be safer plus it has better support than hers does. As for the baby food, I bought store made with both girls and Texas I made my own. I even make snacks for the girls. One of their favorite homemade snacks is fruit sauce. It is just 3 different fruits blended together, no sugar, or any additives. I freeze it the other containers and put in hot water to defrost and the girls have said it's consistency is thick like pudding and better than store bought apple sauce. Score 1 for me!

I feel great making his own baby food. Obviously I don't anymore since he eats everything we do but he just got two more teeth making it a total of four teeth he has so I do boil fruit so it is softer for him, same with veggies for snacks. I just feel like I make better food choices for him now than I did with the other two. Not saying I gave them crap, I am just more aware of what I make and give them plus Texas has very high blood sugar and has a high chance of being diabetic like me. All my kids are at risk since I have diabetes but since birth he has been high. So I watch him more like a hawk, although the girls don't eat much sweets but I don't let anyone eat too much crappy snacks here. Some but not much.

I love cloth diapering. Sometimes it's gross when I am spraying off poop from a diaper blow out but it saves me money and is good for the environment plus is great for my son's tushy since he has eczema. It was really great after his surgery for his missing ball. I love the prints and have become an expert of my own kind with it after cloth diapering Evilcious and Texas and will with the next one we are trying to have. I enjoy when my son is only in a diaper in cloth, since they are so cute. Being a stay at home mom with Evilcious since she was 11months old and all of Texas's life so far is a great feeling. I feel bad I didn't have that opportunity with Mysterious, I worked six days a week with her. But I try not to dwell on that. I feel like the older I am getting I do more research and make sure I am doing the best for my children.

I am also researching vaccines more and won't be giving any of my kids unnecessary ones especially the new born babies. I plan to breast feed again as long as my body will let me and the baby will take it with the next one. I try to be the best mom I can be, we have dance parties instead of too much t.v., we have craft time when I can spare time from work, we play with each other whether it be with games or in the playroom. I want time spent with my kids not material items.

To change or not to change It's that simple

I know change is hard. I struggle with it all the time. Being an addict change is super hard on me. So I understand completely struggling from time to time. What I don't understand is when someone just lets a situation happen to them. If you are not happy with yourself why not change or if you are unhappy in a relationship than try to change how you are in that relationship or how you talk to each other. That is all you really can do in a relationship. But for me complaining and whining is not an option in life. I constantly hear Mysterious complain about how things are not fair. I know she is capable of change, so does she but for some odd reason she enjoys complaining. Complaining and whining and never doing anything about it is a victim. Her therapist even says this. But I don't understand why you want to be a victim when you can be a survivor.

I am a survivor, I have been a victim in situations I could not control and I chose to survive or I would of died. I also was a victim in my teenager years of my choosing where I would complain and whine and not change. It got me nowhere. I was pathetic and I didn't care. I didn't care about  myself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone.I don't understand why people don't get that. I know it took me awhile to see that.And sometimes I don't have patience with whiners and I know I should have more patience since I fully admit I was one. But still it drives me insane. If you don't like your life than change it. You can only change yourself not anyone else or anything else. So if your life sucks but you have changed yourself and have done everything you possibly can than I truly am sorry than life does suck but for those that all you do is have a pity party than you only have yourself to blame.

I am not trying to be mean but I will not sugar coat anymore. I have friends like this, my brother and mother are like this along with people in my family and my oldest is like this. I will continue to make my life better, change myself and am fully aware of others needs(or at least I try to be). If my relationship with my husband was failing I would do everything in my power to make it better. Relationships are hard especially living with someone else. Men can be little bitches sometimes even the good ones. I love my husband and we do fight not often and not for long but we tell the other person our feelings and how things can change. This could be sexual, financial, emotional, however things to change so they are constantly better and not failing we will do it. As you should. In a relationship there are two people not one. It's a "WE" thing not a "ME" or "I" thing.

Like I said it's jut that simple.Now I didn't say it will happen over night I am not a magician but over days you can see a change. I am making a change for the better for my life. I will be working out from home a couple times a week (starting off a couple times a week first so I don't die from an asthma attack ;) ) Not just because I want to lose the last 10 pounds from Evilcious. I know I look slim but I have had those pesky 10 pounds from her (she will be 4 on feb 22nd by the way) that just wouldn't go away. Plus I have a saggy butt now that I am getting older, hips that are so wide I really am an hour glass, a butt that is so huge I knock everything over so I will be tightening that ass. I just  want to look good and feel good. I have an eating disorder that I have kept control for some years now and staying in shape will help that little demon stay in control.

I don't eat like crap so working out will be a lifestyle change not a quick fix with some dieting. I don't believe in dieting. I will also go back to only two cheat days a week (which is chocolate cheat days).  If I can wake up at 6 am and workout and change my lifestyle, I think others can quit whining and complaining and change. I hope my oldest starts changing soon. She was doing good for 6 days straight there than just stopped caring and has for over 7 days just been unruly. I want her to love herself and care enough to change for herself not for me or for her therapist or for anyone but for her. Than she will will truly feel great for herself.

What does mom mean?

Foreclosure: I am done holding back what I write. This is as honest and real as I come. No more holding back because of someone else's feelings.

Anyone can give birth to a child that doesn't make you a mom. That makes you an incubator. A mom is someone who wipes the tears away when your child has a boo boo. A mom is someone who pretends to be in a diner and you're child gives you play food to eat. A mom is someone who holds their child tight when they have a nightmare. A mom is someone who wants to pull her hair out because her child is screaming and mom is trying to clean. A mom is someone who teaches their child to take their first steps, first meal, first smile, first word, how to swim, how to be independent. A mom is not someone who gave birth to a child and who can float in and out of your life. A mom is not someone who can just show up when it is convenient to them in the child's life. A mom is not someone who puts their needs before the child. A mom should always put their child first. Just because you gave birth and have a child does not mean you are a good parent. A good parent is someone who is exhausted, happy, sad, plays with their kids. I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be but I am so tired of hearing women say they are a good mom but than the next word out of their mouth is selfish,selfish things. We all need me time and a break from kids. And some days are better than others. It is hard to juggle families, work, playtime, school time, cleaning, relationship time but we all do it. I am just so tired of hearing some women complain when all they did was give birth and their kids suffer from day to day because they won't give them the attention a child so deserves.

My mom didn't play with me when I was a child so that taught me to play more with my child. I know sometimes I want to just play computer games and be left alone but that is not the real world. (not saying I don't play computer games, I do but usually with a child on my lap and the other sitting next to me) I am not attaching moms or saying anyone is not perfect if you don't do what I say. That is not what I am saying at all. I am just tired of my mom in particular saying she was a good parent when she gave me up and has blamed me for everything that has ever happened to her. I have tried and tried to work things out and go to counseling with her but for some reason I am just the anti christ to her. I just don't understand how someone can have so much hate/despise for someone who grew in you. I am not saying I was a great kid,teenager or even adult. I have a TON of flaws. I have addictions, I swear way too much, I'm loud, I am mean when I want to be. But even with all of that I try every day to always put my children first and not to blame others for my problems/mistakes.

I don't expect her to be perfect. I hate perfect people. I just want to be loved and showed that I am the best thing that happened to her. I remember as a child how my family would get together and enjoy each other's company. Now they all talk behind my back and to my face how horrible of a person I am, how I suck as a mother. All because my mom told them something (which I have no idea what she said or I did supposedly). I miss them but I can't be around toxic people who don't see that I have changed and will continue to do so. So I swear when I am frustrated or mad. Whatever, I am Italian and it just comes out. I am trying to swear less but sometimes I get so mad that even the swear words coming out don't even do my anger justice. Walk a day in my shoes before judging me. Walk a day being me before you say I can do it better. I give every person the benefit of doubt until you prove me otherwise. I am not on this earth to make anyone happy but myself and my children and my hubby. I am done people pleasing.

Does this mean I no longer want her in my life. No. It means I can't be abused or accused or lied to anymore. Means I am tired of people looking at me like I have leprosy. I didn't do anything that horrible that I should be shunned. But because of all of this and because of the way I was treated by my family as a teenager and adult, I have seen how I want to my immediate family to be. It's a how not to be like them and I do the opposite of that. I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I do family things the way I wanted them to be for me. I am not saying my childhood always sucked. I do have fond memories but they are in few to the horrible nightmares I have. I am true to myself and I will continue to do that.

Very powering to say I am done pleasing people and here I come rawr.

I knew you could do it

Dear Mysterious,

I know sometimes like today, I am a crazy ranting lunatic because I am on my period and I am super crabby and every little thing was setting me off (stupid cabin fever), but you did great today as you have for the past five days. For five days straight you have been good, doing all of your chores, making sure you did your "coping skills" when you are angry, agressive, anxious or depressed, learning to not talk back, walking away when angry and learning to accept being told what to do. I knew you could do it! You are such a smart girl. You even participated in therapy on Monday. I am so proud of you. You have been able to play on your tablet, watch tv, listen to music. This is what being a kid is all about. I know you don't want to listen to what we always have to say, but we are your parents and we know what is best. We are trying to help you for the future. I am glad you see we are on your side and not against you. I have no idea what it is like to have bipolar or aspergers. I do know that you are so strong and brave. I know you have had some bumps in the road and I am happy you overcame them. I know you will have bad days but we have never had this many good days in a row. Keep up the good work.
Love Mom

I could probably write more but my computer is annoying me with the way it is lagging. I also want to curl up in a ball with the amount of cramps I am having.

My heart aches

Monday after a long and explosive 3 hour therapy session (which is normally 1), Mysterious went in the hospital. She has been self harming, threatening to myself and her therapist,  not taking her medications, scratch that throwing up her meds.

Not following directions or doing as told, not caring about herself or others,has harmed me twice- one of the times I was pushed into my curio cabinet and I stuck my hand out for support and broke my finger. She pushed evilcious' s head into the coffee table last year, watched texas fall into the tub and didn't do anything or care. I ran to help him.

Now we are having her have a pysch evual a second time to see if we missed something and that is the requirements for this grant that the hospital is applying for her to be in residential.  Her therapist, her team at the hospital and us believe that residential is what she needs. She needs a controlled environment where staff can help her understand her aggression and agitation towards us.

She gets this way when told what to do. Yes we have disciplined her in taking items away, sending her to her room, manual labour,  respite workers, reward systems,  sticker charts, the whole nine yards. Nothing we or the hospital or the therapist could come up with has worked.
Being bipolar and having aspergers can be hard. But that is what they are teaching her, to understand what goes on on her head , how to control it, using coping skills, walking away, talking it out, except she does none at home. She has no friends. Refuses to make any or even leave the house to play. She refuses to play, instead she fights and stares at you.

I hope this hospital stay or residential works.

Thankful

I wasn't one of those that posts each day in November what I am thankful for. I just don't do that or complain about the weather or take pictures of my food. I am however thankful and do have a list. I am thankful I did not kill my kids since every holiday they take hours to get out the door. Scratch that every day but holiday is worse. Mysterious was having a bad hair day and was trying on tons of headbands.  Evilicious was fighting me over wearing a dress. I wanted her to wear one and sge wanted to be in pants. Yes it would have been easier to have let her win but she is so cute in a dress and when I was younger we dressed up. Yes I hated it and yes I am a tomboy and i don't always wear a dress but she's three and I want her as my princess til she doesn't like me like mysterious doesn't. Ok she likes me today. But she's thirteen and sometimes doesn't like herself. Back to being thankful, I am thankful I have a husband who ignores my crazy yelling at everyone when stressed, gives me a break like last night when I went out by myself and hung out with his mom, gives me affection and works hard on our relationship.  I am thankful for my family and accepting my loud foul mouth and loving my flaws. I'm greatful I can work from home and that someone created a mute button so that I can yell at my kids but still be professional.  I am thankful for chocolate and for that I stay somewhat sane. I am thankful for my friends who accept I am a looney but laugh at I mean with me. I am very thankful for myself and tge yummy desserts I make that make me wish I was not diabetic and that I could eat it all day everyday. I am thankful for all you who read this blog and believe the silly idea that I'm not crazy.

Family sucks sometimes

Its 2 am I should be sleeping since I have to get up early for my sons surgery consultation instead I came home late from work and am arguing with my brother. I no longer talk to my mom since she called dcfs on myself and my husband. Which hurts me everyday not to speak to her.  But she put fear in my children. The investigation was closed and we were found innocent. It was ridiculous allegations. I know longer talk to my family since all they see is lies about me. My family is my dad, hubby, my kids,  my friends and my husbands family. That doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I do miss my family but I can't put myself in situations where I have to constantly defend myself. My family is judgemental and is on high horses alot. I habe been through a lot. Instead of seeing whp I have become and what a beautiful person I am they choose to see me for the lies my mother has told. Which I don't even know what those lies are. It pains me my family will never see my kids grow up, see them get married, see them have kids. I don't understand why it is so important for them to bring others down insted of forgiving and seeing the good things they have done. I am not perfect. But ivrey so very hard to what is best for my family and myself. When I was a kid they were all perfect in my eyes. Now that picture is so tainted. I wish I was born into a family that wasn't so damn dysfunctional.

Something new

This weekend I moved my brother in law to his new house. I'm happy he is starting a new chapter in his life. Its great. But at the same time. I want a new house. I wanted this before he moved since my house is feeling smaller since we have three kids and we want one more plus hubby found a stray and now we have three dogs. So there is a plan in motion for us to find a bigger house in 2-5 years.

It always seems when someone has something new so do I. When my brother has a new game, I want one. When someone has a new phone, I want one. When my brother got  a new car, I wanted one. I love my life and I'm very greatful for all that I have and am not sad at all. It just seems like shiny and new is always cooler.

Maybe I am the only one but that's how I feel. I'm perfectly happy in my life, I just like shiny new things.

Who is this chick?

I am a mother of three who started this blog to have somewhere I could write like a journal and get all of my frustrations, opinions, views, and rants out. I have been doing this for three years now. I have been happily married for three years. I have known and been with him for 11 years on and off. He is not the biological father of our first and second daughters but he is their father through and through. It didn't work out for us the first time because his first wife damaged him (I am his third wife) and the second time I was in a super abusive relationship right before him and I got back together so I was damaged. This time we are soul mates, best friends and so much more than that. We are working on getting our sex life in a better place. Hey we have three kids one of which who is 11 months old and just started sleeping through the night plus I work two nights away from the house coming home at 1/130 am plus I have multiple sclerosis which causes me to be in a lot of pain and extra sleepy, so we have a tendency since the baby to have sex  make love twice a month, we both would like it 3+ times a week, so I am trying to make that happen since I am the dominate one in the bedroom. (and relationship haha)

I have multiple sclerosis, diabetes, asthma, osteoperosis, had a stroke will have another one, hpv, stay at home mom who is an office admin who works from home for my in laws and their business.I am a loud Italian/Mexican who is super passionate, loves hard, fights hard, I am a smart ass, funny, artistic, loves to cook, cuddle on the couch with a good book, love family time, am a Sims nerd, love video games where I can kill people, hard worker, procrastinator, shoe whore, dyes my hair red since that is so vibrant and sexy, sex kitten, outgoing and down to earth. I also cloth diaper, make my own baby food, bake and cook from scratch and I personally wear mama cloth.I am a survivor who has survived 6 rapes, sexual abuse as a child from a family member, child abuse, abuse from two boyfriends, eating disorder, alcholism, drug addict, father who abandoned her at age of 8 and came back at age 16, mother who gave her up to foster care at age 12 then got her back at age 17, mommy and daddy issues.

 My oldest who is 13 who we call Mysterious on here also known as rebel without a clue was diagnosed with bipolar last year, recently diagnosed but not tested yet as Aspergers, has been diagnosed three times for suicidal/homicidal attempts. She is also going through puberty and likes negative attention which we found out yesterday during therapy. She is super creative and great in art. She is an a and b student although she can struggle from time to time on getting d's. She is figuring out who she is and is in the in between of a not a kid anymore but not quite an adult yet.

My middle child who is called Evilicious is 3, loves to jump, dance, sing, act silly with mommy, paint, draw on walls and anything really, loves preschool, super independent to the point it can be annoying because you can't get out the door ;) , loves playing with her brother, very smart, sweet, funny and a terror at times. 

My youngest who is called Texas Ranger on here is 11 months who will be 1 on the day after Christmas. He gets into everything, has a great personality, attacks Evilicious when she is mean to him, all boy, loves to rough house, is super smart, mama boy, loves to eat, loves to laugh, has two teeth, is standing on his own a lot and is trying to walk.

This is my life and I write about it whether its a bad day, a crazy day, a boring day. I put it all out there. 

And we want a fourth and are trying to conceive. WE are nuts!!

Sink or Swim

Last week I was having such a hard time with stress that I was drowning with the overwhelmness  of it all. I decided to either sink or swim. I chose swim. I have been through too much to let stress drown me. I was worried about losing our house since we are behind on two months of mortgage now going on three. Due to our mortgage company being bought out by another company, my husband told me to wait in July to pay the new company which lead to being one month behind and spiraling from there.

We have received letters from the current mortgage company even though we have filled out paperwork for a forbearance from them. We are in constant communication with the mortgage company so that has worked in our advantage and there was nothing wrong, they just scared me because some dumb dumb at the company didn't know we were in communication. So everything is ok with that which makes my stress less.

Than I was stressed out because of working from home, cleaning, giving kids attention and leaving the house. I just needed a balance and I hadn't had that for quite awhile. So last week while being in the shower I came up with plans to make everything work. First I decided that I had to give up the control I thought I had. Then I told my husband as far as the mortgage went I would put as much money as we can aside for it, plus if we couldn't get a forbearance or catch up that we both agreed we would do a mortgage counseling and if we didn't qualify for that, then ask for money from his parents (which we have done once before and I hate doing that) and if they couldn't give it to us (not saying they can't but was just giving myself a worse case scenario) then we would short sale the house and rent a house. I needed a plan or I was going to drown.

Then as far as the balance for work and house duties along with kids went I decided that I would try to leave at least 1-2 times a week. Friday my balance was great except for the getting out of the house and cleaning part done. What I did was I woke up got ready, got all my morning stuff done, fed everyone and started working. It helps now that I have a battery for my computer so I can bring the laptop everywhere and not worry about it dieing without being plugged in. I worked while eating and feeding kids. I also have a stopping point, which is super important for the balance. If I am going into the office that night (a.k.a my mother in laws) I have an end point at 4pm so I can fold laundry from that day (I do laundry everyday or it just piles up) do one chore and than spend some time with my family before I start cooking. Once I am done cooking I eat, then shower my oldest (yes she is 13 but since she has Aspergers and a huge hygiene issue) I have to wash her hair and watch her shave her armpits and wash herself otherwise her hair looks greasy, she will smell and basically she is just in hot water pushing the dirt around.She gave me a migraine from her smell one day and I don't want her picked on.

The days I don't go into work I end at 5 and do my house chores and family time. Which is nice since I relax more on those days. I went to work three nights in a row last week coming home at 1/2 am than getting up at 6/630 to take care of kids while hubby would get up with the baby in the middle of the night. I was so glad it was Friday and I could finally relax. This week I plan on putting the end time in affect (although I do have to keep watch on work emails and make sure I am still giving quotes to customers if they need them in a timely matter which doesn't take long), making sure my one chore is done that day, laundry is folded and put away and I take kids either to the park every day or leave a few times during the week either in the afternoon or the morning and tell my boss( my brother in law, which I did on Halloween that I am not available from this time to this time). I realized I can do this balance it just takes finesse and patience.

The other stress I had was being lonely and not having a social life. Which I also came up with a plan by talking on face book when I have a chance to friends through messenger more, texting more and planning a time to see them but sticking to it. I know sometimes I am going to have a bad day where kids will annoy me, work will annoy me and I want to scream but this way by making a plan things will be a little less hectic and tiring.

Halloween is fun when someone else gets candy for you

Every year we all dress up even the adults. After 11 years of doing this my dad finally looks at me and says this is actually fun. D'oh, seriously?! I looked at him and said really now your enjoying yourself after 11 years of dressing up?! He just looked at me and laughed. What a goof. Halloween is my favorite holiday besides Christmas. I love to dress up and get free candy. I used to work at a haunted house when I was pregnant with Mysterious. I haven't since and I really wanted to this year. There is always next year.

The kids had a blast even though it was rainy and cold. We only did a a three streets when last year we did so much more but hubby and I oops I mean the kids got a lot of candy. ;) They had fun which is the whole point to me. Evilicious was able to trick or treat at her favorite teacher's house. She loves her teacher so much, it is so cute the bond they both have. She won't go to any of the other teachers in the classroom but her. She runs to her first thing in the morning. I really enjoy seeing her connect to the teacher in that way. To me it is important she has a healthy relationship with a female like that. Because of my mother and her crazy ways I not have a healthy relationship with women. Instead I was always looking for a mother figure or my mother was always jealous of the relationships that I formed with women. She even despised my mother in law and the relationship we have. It's sad that is the way she is instead of accepting and enjoying the bond.

Texas enjoyed daddy holding his chunky butt while trick or treating at each house. Which is huge for him since he hates strangers, I mean oh my god you are talking to me screaming making faces where is my mommy panic towards strangers. Mysterious came up with a Halloween costume idea and really enjoyed Halloween this year. She was ventriloquist dummy at school and a murderer at home. It was nice to see her so happy and enthusiastic about something.
Hubby dressed as a zombie, Texas as a dragon.

 My dad as a mad scientist.

 Evilicous as Woody from Toy Story.

 Mysterious as a murderer.

 Me as a masquerade ball dancer. I am in my wedding dress and should of taken a longer picture lol.

Keeping them Safe

Since Monday my little Evilicous E who is 3 has been keeping her door open, staying up late in her room and jumping into my bed/room in the early a.m.. We found out on Wednesday that she does this since her sister Mysterious decided to be mean and tell her that someone would come, break in, take her away and she would never see her  mommy. How mean is that?! Sometimes she gets annoyed with her sister, but this time she really scared her. The poor kid was freaking out. Every noise she heard during the day she would say the people are coming to break in. I kept reassuring her that no one was coming in. We have a guard dog plus mommy has things to use on someone if they were to come into the house to protect us.

She kept insisting every day that someone was coming to break in even though I explained everything to her. So we came up with a safety plan, told her if someone did break in, I would put both kids in my bathroom and she should lock my bathroom door. We practiced her dialing 911 (not actually dialing the number or we would have had police here) telling us what she would say to the police on the phone. Practicing our names, her name, what was happening. Then we went from that to stranger danger which we have prepared her for the last month. You know the don't go to anyone who has candy, puppies, lies about mommy telling them to pick her up. Always holding my hand, never letting go or running away from me in public. I prepared my oldest the same way. My mom never did and my brother would hug and walk off with anyone. I remember when I was 7 we were at the roller skating rink and my mom was panicking since no one could find him. Everyone in the rink was looking. They found him about 20 minutes later 2 blocks away with a stranger he walked with from the rink. He just went up to her, took her hand and left. Thankfully that person was not dangerous and brought him back. She was an older lady and didn't think much of it. But come on I know it was the 80s but that shit was scary.

I know when I was a kid if something bad happened to you, like if you were walking home from school and someone was following you and you needed to go to a safe place there were houses that had stars on them telling you that was a safe house, where you could call the police and not be harmed. Now you don't know who is safe or not. Sad we have to prepare our children for the worse, but I would rather prepare them instead of something happening if I didn't prepare them. Hopefully nothing will ever happen to my babies but I will do what I can to protect them.

Things that annoy me lately.

Here are the things that have annoyed me lately. Not sure if its because I tired, working a lot or just bitchy but here are the things that annoy me badly. Warning there is cussing and slight bitchiness on some parts.

1. Being so cold because it is 30 degrees with a high of 44 and I am freezing balls. And because of being so cold it leaves me with no motivation to get out of bed.
2. People who brag about their kids all the time! There is nothing wrong with someone saying their kid(s) are great and the things they do or accomplish is great but all the fucking time, please get a life if all you do is talk about your kids. No-one cares that they poop and they are 6. (I warned I might be a little bitchy ;) )
3. Kids not listening when you call their name and you know they can hear you, because they are staring at you but actively ignoring you, but its ok to say mom 150 times a day.
4. Drivers that are in such a hurry they are speeding and up your ass only for them to go in and out of lanes to get two cars in front of you. Thanks for scaring me and my kids jackhole.
5. Drivers that are so slow that it takes 5 hours to get 10 minutes down the road with kids who are crying and have to pee.
6. Selfish people who just want to whine, complain about everything and have everyone do everything for them. 
7. My downstairs is so cold I drape in a blanket to be warm, but my bedroom is so hot that I sweat bullets and have to have the window air on to maintain balance.
8. Daniel Tiger- I love his concepts, since my preschooler has and is picking up his wonderful concepts but his songs stick in my head and I am singing them to my 13 year old and she is laughing at me.
9. Not having enough chocolate in my house. I buy a ton but I also eat a ton. And yes I am diabetic but I will not cut out chocolate or people will die and I will be on the six o'clock news randomly bumping people off. :)
10. My dogs when they bark at nothing and wake up children.
11. Being so tired and having sex only 2-3 times a month if I am lucky. Trying to get some 2-3 times a week, will keep you posted when that happens. (Maybe I will be less bitchy ;) )
12. Reading the same article five million times from a million different views on the internet. Sometimes Facebook annoys me but I need my social time since I rarely see other people or talk to other people.
13. Scrambled eggs or cheerios from kids sticking to my socks and being traveled all over the house

Thought there would be more ;)

Feeling left out

Lately i have felt like the kid who doesn't get picked in gym class for dodge ball. I have had acquaintances block me on face book, unfriend me and just stop talking to me without reason. People I use to hang out with stopped all together and I don't always have someone to talk too. I do have friends I can talk to through face book messenger. But that is my general socialization. Yesterday I went to the park after I picked up Evil E from preschool, it is our new tradition to go to the park after, and I talked to two different moms that i have never met before and they were in the same boat as me. It is hard sometimes for me to make play date plans since Texas is still on 2/3 naps a day. That can make things tricky. Plus I need to make time for cleaning and to work.

One of my new mom "friends" that I met yesterday asked if we could meet her again on Thursday after preschool. So yay I have a scheduled park date! My husband teased me. But I don't have friends I talk to every day, I understand we all get busy, I don't expect anyone to drop everything and hang out with me as I clean my house. I learned to manage that sometimes the only socialization I will get will be face book, texts, or the random person talking to me at the park, library, store or mall.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old friends or my feelings aren't a tiny bit hurt when someone blocks or deletes me from face book. I do have feelings too. I may be rough around the edges and a bitch. But I still have feelings and sometimes like people. :) I do love the time I spend with my kids. Although sometimes I wish I could drink wine in a sippy cup when they are really bad. Especially now that Texas crawls and is trying to walk and stand. He is a trouble maker and into everything!

I will fight for you

I fight every day with and for my daughter, Mysterious to make a change and overcome her demons. I do this because I am her mom but not only because of that but because I am a survivor. I have been through so much in my 33 years and have held my head up each time even when life was kicking me in the teeth. I am a recovering alcoholic, have been sober for 9 years. I do still occasionally drink but it's a fruity drink, which I drink for the flavor and not to get drunk, escape my life, also after one I am sleepy, so I can't drink more than one. I am also a recovering heroin addict and have been clean for  14 years. I used to crave tootsie rolls when I wanted heroin but now I don't even do that anymore.

I am also a recovering balemic have been eating better for 15 years. I no longer look at my body as fat, sure I have curves but I have learned to love them and food. I have learned that I am not ugly, fat, stupid or a loser. I didn't grow up in a good family. These were the things I heard on a regular basis from the men in my family. I will not point fingers since it does no good to me. I have forgave and moved on. I have accepted that some people are just nasty, judge mental and don't care of others. I teach my children the lessons I have learned. 

I am also a rape survivor and child of sexual abuse and foster child. I have told stories to my oldest which have made us closer. She understands I am the way I am with her because I know how it feels to want to kill yourself, attempt suicide, feel worthless, unloved, except someone put those feelings their on me since they forced themselves on me and created a whole in my heart that put those ugly feelings there. Hers are from her being bipolar and having aspergers. Something that is not anyone's fault or hers. She understands that now and is trying, she does have her bad moments and days but knows that she can make a difference. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. No one hugged and told me it was ok, that it wasn't my fault. 

Instead I was shamed, told I was a troubled child, my mom gave up her rights when I was 12 and I was put into foster homes and group homes until she took me back at 16. I don't want my daughter to end up like I did. I fought every demon all by myself with bad vices, then fought those bad vices by myself. It was so hard, lonely, I was afraid I was going to succeed on attempting suicide. I know my child will do better since I am in her corner. It is easier in life if we have someone to walk and help us through our difficult times. If I have a bad day, stressed out moment or low moment, I tell myself it is nothing like it was before. I can get through this moment and just keep swimming (something I tell myself and my daughter) since I have been through worse than these moments. I have survived boyfriends who beat me. I can survivor anything. 

Because I am tough, my children will be tough as well. I will teach them the ways to make them strong, beautiful children. I have friends I have helped that have had the same problems, it feels good to help others. Sometimes people don't like to listen, and can do the opposite of what i say, but hey its their life and they will learn the lessons of life their way. It took me awhile to figure that out. So I can help teach my daughter but in the end she will learn from her own mistakes. I have patience. One day she will be in a good place. Until then I will be her cheerleader. I can help her get through anything.

Misunderstood

I try to write as honest and open as I can. With that saying I might have some people who don't agree with me or who think there is something wrong with me. I am not going to be miss sunshine. I'm usually in a good mood but sometimes I get stressed or frustrated. We all get that way. I think some people over analyze me or my feelings. I really am simple. I love my kids and hubby. Sometimes I want to shake them and see id candy comes out or if that just makes them better,like a reset button by shaking them and no I really don't shake kids, well at least not mine ;) . I try not to judge people  I know we all do because of morals or meanness or just because we can. You know you are judging me right now since I'm barefoot ;) )I just want not to be judged but instead to be looked at as a person who is just trying to do the best she can to survive it all.

When I'm lonely doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a friend.  I have friends but I don't always have time for play dates and get togethers with naps, cleaning, work, playtime, and hubby as most women don't have time. And I have come with the understanding over time that I'm ok with that. I see my friends when i can or talk by email, text, phone or face book. When I'm frustrated or sad or stressed doesn't mean that I need medication or counseling or medical help. Means I need a break, some me time, some wine time. I just want people to understand me not judge or try to change me.

 I am a bitch, a sweetheart, a mother, a lover, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a loudmouth, a potty mouth, a smart ass, a comedian (or at least I think I am funny), a cook, sometimes a drama queen, a good listener, a survivor and a very strong person. So just because I let you into my life and tell you all my dirty secrets (shhhhh), doesn't mean that you can shake your finger at me. I am just like you but I have red hair, yes its out of a bottle and yes I will be covering those roots soon, geesh I told you to not judge me. I know my icky brown is showing and no your brown is not icky, but mine is just gross to me, I sometimes look like a model when I can do my hair and makeup, I am a good person or try to be and just want people to understand what it is to be a mother of three, stay at home, part time work, one child is bipolar with aspergers.

 All of that is hard plus having multiple sclerosis but I somehow find a way to make it all work and this chronicles those ways and help others to feel not alone and for me to not feel like the crazy mom that i sometimes feel like.

Grumpy old men

So Mysterious M is home. My husband picked her up Wednesday night. An hour after being home she started rolling her eyes and giving attitude. Yesterday morning she started a fight with me and again in the evening. Today she is texting me on her way to school that it's too hard for her. I asked what, she replied school, homework, things are overwhelming. She was doing coping skills in the hospital to cope with different stresses, bipolar episodes, anger issues, life in general and since being back has not done one. She has to try to make an effort. I have no idea how to motivate this child to doing what she has to do since she doesn't care. I just want to shake her sometimes and scream we love you!!!!!

I am terrified she will kill herself while I am sleeping. Being in the hospital doesn't change anything in her. I know life is hard for her being bipolar, aspergers and a girl. But if she can't handle being a teenager how is she going to do it when she is an adult?! I work with her therapist, school counselor, psychiatrist, get her testing for the aspergers, even put her on medication for her depression and my dad said are you sure you are doing everything?! He thinks I am too hard on her. He sees us every two weeks on a Wednesday, sometimes I am yelling at her or my husband is when he is over (he didn't see the argument she started since she came home) and he will tell me that I am not patient enough or that I yell too much or that I am not a good parent.

Are you fricking kidding me?! Unless you are in my shoes day in and day out you have no clue as to what I am doing, the sacrifices I make, the steps I take. It is so easy to judge when you think you are the father of the year. Didn't know father of the year awards went to men who abandon their children at the age of 8, beat them, never hug or show them love. That is how my dad was when I was a child and you want to give me advice! I am open to criticism and am always open to different ideas on how to make life easier and better for her and all of my kids but please don't attack me as a person when you have no idea even what bipolar or aspergers is. He thinks that just means she is a difficult teen. Ugh he makes me so frustrated I just want to take his head and shove it up his ass. Ok scary rant over, but my dad seriously makes me very angry. We have gotten closer over the years and we decided years ago that he can be my dad but not my father. Meaning he can't parent me since I am 33 and when he did come back in my life I was 17 and way too old for him to parent.

 He may not agree with my decisions or my parenting style but I am the adult and I will learn from my mistakes and change things. Sometimes he is just such a grumpy old man and that movie was great but he is not as cool as Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau were in that movie. That is one of my all time favorite movies. My dad would be the bitchy one that they would kick out of the neighborhood :) . Ok just kidding maybe they wouldn't do that but they would slap him around a bit until he stopped being so bitchy. I love him and he is an overall great guy but he sucks as a dad. Back to Mysterious M, I really want things to get better for her. I want her to see what I see. When I text her remember you are loved, a beautiful person, see things positive like I do, she texts back I know. Ugh that is all you can say after I am being the cheerleader here, I just want to shake my head and sit in a corner until someone shakes some sense in that girl. She used to be my little girl that watched disney movies with me and now she is my little girl that says "i hate you", "will you shut up" and "I wish you would leave".

 I think all parents should have a vacation home when kids are in teenager years we can live at until its over. Its even more chaotic when your child has a special need. My life consists of chocolate,coffee and a bottle of wine on occasion. Hoping this weekend will be no fighting, no talking back and doing as told. Ok I almost spit my coffee out when I wrote that. Ok I know I can be delusional at times but maybe the universe will give me that gift.......Just maybe

Warning its dark

I keep having the song “I can’t change” by mackelmore in my head. And it is starting to feel like my theme song lately.  I am lonely and have so much on my plate that I am ready to burst. I have no support system. Yes I have a loving husband, yes I have a loving family. But I am a hard nut to crack and this nut is cracking. It is hard for me to open up to them and tell them what is going on. I have told my husband and he just pushes it aside. I am going to break soon! I want to scream and shout “Why won’t you see world that if no one holds me and tells me that it will be ok and give me the support I will break!” I don’t mean cry and have a break down in front of you. I mean end it all. My worst fear of it all. I am the glue to this family to everyone and right now the glue is unsticking. The glue is cracking, peeling and melting.

 Won’t someone help this glue before it can never stick again?! I am not saying suicide is the answer or that a break down is. I am saying I am lonely, tired, stressed, need a break  and need someone there for me. Please help this glue so that I don’t break.  I miss my mom right now more than ever. But until she notices that she needs help for her schizophrenia I can’t be around her. I have so many issues that I have overcome that it would truly suck if all of this was my end. I just want my mom or a mom. I have my mother in law, but I feel ashamed to tell her what is going on. I come from a dysfunctional family and she is normal. Whatever that is. But she is not dysfunctional neither is my husband, so they don’t understand the demons I slay inside on a daily basis so that I can overcome the demons for my child. I do so much for my children and my family but sometimes it all catches up to me and my demons strangle me until I have no more breath inside and I just want to scream! 

Writing this out feels better. As I started to have kids I forgot to write and now I am left with this shell that will crack easier than it did before. I used to write poems, stories, anything to let all the demons out. I would paint, sing, because I am talented in those areas. I once had a poem posted all over the school paper and in the school because my teacher was so proud of my poem. That person took a back seat to herself while this shell took over to raise kids. I need to find that demon slayer again so that I can survive all this. I have been alone my whole life. A lone wolf that has been through a lot and has overcome everything all by myself. I am use to being alone. 

Sometimes I prefer it over the drama of people. I need her back. I am trying to find her more and more before all of this drowns me. This was very hard to write since i had to be very open and expose myself. But I had to do it. I had to bare all. I make excuses to ignore myself and the things i need like writing, painting and just being by myself. I have to take myself back before its too late. Thank you mackelmore for giving me my theme song through this dark moment. 

Can't catch up

Lately I feel like I can't catch up with where I want to be. My days consist of cleaning, kids, work, laundry, cooking, preparing baby food, stuffing cloth diapers, fighting with middle child to listen, fighting with oldest to try and to care. I haven't had time to take a little me time by either watching tv shows or playing my video games.  My husband and I barely have sex twice a month if were lucky since the baby came. I haven't left the house unless its a weekend. (My middle child has been in a mood where she just wants to stay home.) I just feel like all I do is domestic shit and this mama needs a break. I want ti play my video game. I want to go somewhere fun with kids. I hate being locked in like Rapunzel. My hair isn't that long. I am super concerned my oldest will be in residential inpatient if she doesn't start trying. She plots my death on a daily basis. She wants to kick her baby brother. I don't understand why she doesn't see what we do for her. Especially me! It hurts to see someone not try and not care wondering if  she will kill herself. I hear constantly my life sucks, your a horrible mom. I think lately that's why I don't fight so hard to leave the house. I have no desire to leave. I feel like a monster. I know she is just angry and its not my fault but it still gets to you. Thankfully I leave twice a week for work for a few hours. That helps. My husband helps but sometimes he just fights with her and It makes it all worse. I just need it all to get easier. I don't know I how I can make it any better than I am trying to do. But everyone has to work with me or I will just drown from all of this. I am a strong person and very patient. But I have had my fill lately with all the arguing, negative comments, negative thoughts and not trying. My middle child is picking up some of these behaviors. I sometimes honestly just want to lock myself in a room and just veg with the tv. Obviously with kids since I would never leave them. I just need a break badly. I need a break from the constant chaos. She is so out of control lately that everyone has seen it. Usually she won't fight or be this way in front of others but lately its in front of everyone and anyone. I feel like I should hide all of us away from the view of others when she is like this. I constantly give her pep talks and let her know that i am here for her. We will see if it changes soon or we will have to put her back in. I just don't want to do that. I know that if she is not trying now that she might not try in inpatient or when she comes back out.

Dr.Voodoo

My oldest during a therapy session on Monday told her therapist and myself that we were evil. She has a tendency to blame us for things that go bad. I won't go in depth on what happened in therapy for her privacy. But I will tell about Dr.Voodoo. She told us that I put evil thoughts in her mind. So to make light of it to ease the tension and make her smile I said if I am  so good at being evil I should be a super villain. And she said Dr voodoo . The therapist laughed and asked my oldest if she was a villain too. Mysterious m said yes. So we said we will make capes and dress like villains in therapy since we are so evil. She laughed and it made her realize it isn't our fault or hers but that sometimes her  bipolar makes her moody and gives her bad thoughts. Dr voodoo saved the day. It pays to be a bad villain to make your child smile. So in the car yesterday, she was talking about Dr. Voodoo and I asked her if she would like Dr. Voodoo to write her letters when she is in a bad mood. She was so excited and said "Yes!!!". So Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance to make her happy when she is having a hard day. I am going to Comic Con on this Saturday and she asked if I could dress up as Dr. Voodoo. I said of course! So in the little time I have from now till then I need a cape (which she wants to be red, and we-my husband and I, decided on a voodoo doll as the image on my cape and on a shirt), I was going to wear my black leggings to be like tights that they wore, black boots, a belt, a red mask and a leotard. Well, I am not sure where to get a leotard, I need to put the image or have it made on a shirt to go over my leotard, need a cape, need a top hat (since that is typically what voodoo priests and priestess wear), any ideas on how to do this would be great. My husband said I am crazy for trying to make this or have it done by Saturday but it is what she wanted and I will do anything for my kids. I do wish that I had more time, but thats ok I like challenges lol. So hopefully Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance this Saturday. I wish I could bring her with me but because of the Aspergers and her social anxiety she is not ready for a crowd that size yet. Soon she will be. She will be starting social groups to help her with that very soon.

my guest post

go check me out at http://thecrumbdiaries-curveballs.blogspot.com/2013/08/summer-guest-post-5-by-heather-of.html. I poured my heart out about the situation that is home here.

Through sickness and health

Over the past weekend I was sick with a stomach virus. My stomach hurt so bad that I was willing to make any deal with the universe to feel better. I would of rather been in labor with another baby that's how bad I felt. Through out the whole weekend while I was feeling icky my husband took over and helped with kids and nurses me. (He usually helps a ton) but this was different. I laid on the couch and played simcity while my stomach cramped. It was nice to relax. I still helped feed the baby. But I'm glad for my hubby. When asked if she would help me my oldest refused and said why should I help mom with her chores I just want to be lazy. Got to love teenagers.  Now she's sick and she wants mommy to baby her. Even though she was mean to me all weekend and I was a little mean back since my feelings were hurt I still take care of sick kids even if that means baby them. That's just the type of mom I am. I hope the two little ones don't get this. My little evil e had a stomach virus so bad a few months back that she had to be hospitalized. It was scary. She couldn't keep anything down. She was constantly sick, very dehydrated. Looked like a skeleton. I was worried. She even lost weight. After two days in the hospital with meds and an I.v she was better. My heart goes out to the moms and dads who have kids with cancer and terminal illnesses. She was just sick with a bug and I was scared. I can't imagine how it is for the parents with a really sick child. Hopefully she won't get it and I really hope the baby won't either.

Cell Phone Hell

I have been a US Cellular customer for 8 years and I love them! But sadly I received a letter that they sold my contract along with any who lives in Illinois, St. Louis and Indiana to Sprint. I hate Sprint. I used to have AT&T than they switched to Cingular and they were putting extra amounts in my bills with no explanations, than Nextel who switched to Sprint who was shutting my phone off after I paid a bill and wanted more money. They did this when I locked my keys in the car and needed to call for help so I had to walk a few miles in the rain to a ranger station since I was camping. I was super frustrated. I am very sad and frustrated to have to look for a different phone since my is invalid at other companies and find a company that has good deals, customer service and doesn't drop calls. I am very nervous. I have been doing research on this for the last few days. I know this may sound silly to some since it is just a cell phone. But unfortunately I am very much attached to electronics from the hip. I lost my phone once at the Library and quickly found it but in that short time I was freaking out. I have so much information on my phone that is important that if I lost it I would feel like my arm was cut off and I wouldn't know what to do. Same with my laptop. I know there was a time that we didn't have cell phones or laptops but I am so tech savvy and attached that if we had a permanent black out like my favorite show "Revolution" I would probably have a heart attack lol. So I have narrowed it down to T-mobile and Verizon. Both have good deals but T-mobile has already pissed me off. I found the plan and phone yesterday that worked for me and sent it through online and stupidly used a credit card that was in my maiden name (They won't switch to my married last name till I sent a social security card, which I won't) so I had to talk to customer service and the guy was trying to get me to buy on the phone and kept telling me things that were wrong.( I told you I do my research and am very tech savvy. I was once offered a job at US Cellular for knowing so much about phones. If I am going to spend the money I better know the product and make sure it is worth my money and time. )So he deletes the order and tells me to redo the order which I do and it tells me to call customer service again. This time the rep tells me that my account needs verifying and this takes a few minutes than she tells me to refresh my screen, I do and then it was declining my credit card which she tells me I have to go into the store. I hate going into cell phone stores because you sit in line for awhile, They try to sell you stuff you don't want/need, and sometimes I don't like people that much lol. So I am going to try doing this online again if this doesn't work than Verizon wins by default. Ugh so frustrating. I am almost said (in a tantrum state mind you) yesterday that I was going to add my tablet to my husbands account on Sprint and not have a phone but talk on my tablet. I won't be able to text but can make phone calls and I love my tablet. Everyone laughed at me that I said this too. I just hate all of this decisions. Oh well if that is all that my problem is than I guess my life is really good :) Hopefully this gets resolved soon since I sat all day on the computer yesterday trying to figure this out. I have a no electronics/tv rule after 11am so I can spend unlimited/uninterrupted time with the kids and they are not allowed to watch tv either. So we turn on music and dance, or do crafts or go somewhere. Than during nap time I can go back online after I do my chores. My name is Heather and I am addicted to my computer,cell phone, lap top and i pod lol.

Mom or non mom?

I have been struggling with my "mom" look. I literally have shirts in my dresser divided in two sections mom and non mom shirts. The "non mom" shirts are just graphic t shirts, young hip looking. The "mom" shirts are a little more baggier and something my mom would wear lol. The "mom" shirts are not ugly they have designs and they fit me well but they make me feel like an old lady, they are something you would buy in the womens section of a store which is geared to the older women and the "non mom" shirts are in the junior section of a store geared for younger women. I am not saying that you can't look like a mom dressed like in high heels and a mini skirt. There is no right or wrong. I personally dress like a non mom when I am with  mom friends and when I am home I dress like a mom. I have put myself in this category where I split myself when Mysterious m was born. Because I am tattooed and come from a family where that is not acceptable. I do make sure when I am with family that I have a sweater to cover up my arms, so that is another reason I split myself up in two different categories. I want to be a cute mom in nice clothing. I like to look good because it makes me feel good. My hair is super long and I have been debating on cutting it short to get a different look and making it easier to style. Because again back to the mom look, I feel like I have mom hair. Not super mom hair, but I am showered, brushed and either braided, or half pony mom hair. Which is not bad looking but after awhile it starts to make me feel frumpy. I want people to see me in a store and not be able to tell by looking at me that I have three kids. I am not saying there is anything wrong that I have three kids. I love my kids. I just want to feel young and fresh. Same reason I have dyed my hair for the last 22 years, for the vibrant look that red gives me. I go through this phase after each child once I loose the baby weight and try to get back to finding myself. With each child I cut my hair differently, got new clothes and broke out of my mom mold. It is so I still have an identity and not just mom. I am still Heather and that is why even if I am at home I still put eyeliner, mascara and do my hair. I want to feel good and confident. I know we all struggle with weight issues, body issues and image issues. I just want to feel good. Do you ever feel like this? What is your wardrobe like?

Feel like I am drowning

I can't believe it has been five months since I last wrote on here. I constantly am saying to myself ooh that will be a good blog and i forget and don't blog anything. Today I need to start doing things for myself especially blogging. I am feeling very in a funk today the raining isn't helping and they are talking about snow tomorrow and two days next week. Ugh well enough about the crazy weather. I am feeling like all I am is a mom not saying that is a bad thing. Let me help you understand what I am meaning. When you are a working mom (speaking from my own experiences not every working mother in the world) which I was once upon a time, I wanted to be able to with my kids more, spend more time doing fun things with them, I felt chained to my job. Now that I am a stay at home mom and have been for a few years now I feel chained to my home. So I am trying to find a balance where I don't just feel like a mom and not a person. Also I have noticed when I am talking to family or non mom friends, I feel like all I am doing is talking about my kids and not listening as much. Which is one of my flaws I am working on. I do most of my thinking in the shower, and as I was enjoying my shower so I could enjoy my coffee I thought about my blogging, not having any real me time, not doing anything for myself really anymore. Today I am a little lonely, feeling a little down, and realizing I can't allow these feelings to take over or I will just lose. And I hate losing lol. Lately since of weather my day has consisted of me just fading out in front of a television or playing a game. Some time I don't feel like such a great mom since my daughter usually doesn't watch much television but lately she has watched entirely too much. I do plan play dates 2-3 times a week so that we are being social and getting out of the house. But I want to do more. So today I am getting off my pity pedestal and am going to be a better mother(not saying I am a bad one, just today I feel like I suck). Sometimes life kicks you in the head and you feel discouraged. I am feeling that way a lot lately. With Mysterious m struggling with her bipolar, which is hard on me since she really isn't trying in therapy all she does is blame me, or repeat things she is told, we are all working on her to express her feelings in the right way and to own up to her lying, bad habits, laziness. It is a struggle but I am hopeful. She is starting a mentor program tomorrow where a lady will come into my home and take her out twice a week for two hours at a time. She will take her wherever she wants to go and teach her coping skills, better ways to talk to us, social skills and other things we talked about in therapy that I can't remember right now. I am positive in the long run this will work out. That is the only way I can be in this hard situation is hopeful. I am hopeful my husband will learn how to be more patience with Mysterious m and her bipolar, I am hopeful Mysterious m will be more positive and less dramatic. I am hopeful that I will get more strength each day to continue to help her.Now to the other children: Evil e is learning more like behind you, next to you and I am so proud of her. She has more conversations with me and she is a delight. She has recently started having a problem with wetting herself while napping or sleeping. She is completely potty trained and now wears pull ups. I am not sure why we went backwards but I am trying to help her. Walker is extremely fussy lately and barely naps during the day. Yesterday he slept twice in the car, I went to visit a family member and it was the most he has slept in days. Not sure why he is having a sleep problem during the day but am thankful it is not at night. The last time we weighed him he was 16.5 pounds. I will have to weigh him to see how much he has gained recently. He will be four months on 4/26. My little boy is growing so fast. It makes me sad to realize how fast my kids are growing. I am going to try to give myself a little me time a day to do things beside shower, drink coffee and read my book at night. I promise to write each morning during coffee time or atleast a few times a day. Please don't think I don't want want to be a mom or that I don't like my kids, I am trying to just find a balance. I have a brain that likes to continue to have knowledge. I used to read textbooks about different subjects when I was bored when I was 20. I think I might do that again, I'm weird but I like learning new things and not feeling like my brain is turning to mush. Ok well Evil e has woken up and coffee time is almost over so tomorrow my friends......

When patience isn't enough

It's been awhile since I have written in this and a lot has happened. I am 30 weeks pregnant and so done. I am glad third trimester moves fast but i wish it would go by faster. I have heartburn, back hurts all the time, hard to sleep at times, wake up numerous times through the night to go pee. My pre-eclampsia has started showing a little bit. There was a trace of it in my urine the last ob appointment so we wait for two weeks till my next appointment and if there is a higher amount they will decide from there what to do. My maternal fetal medicine doctor has told me that he will take my son out as early as 34 weeks if preeclampsia shows since it can get complicated with the pregnancy. So we will see. My diabetes is sorta getting into trouble with lots of upping my insulin at night since my fastening numbers have been super high. Its hard being pregnant and diabetic you want to eat everything sweet. 9 more weeks to go and jelly bean will be here. No I still don't have a name its either walker or Niko. Hubby wants Niko, I want walker but we  both like each name. So we are torn. So to be continued..... My Evil e will be 3 in February which I can't believe how fast time flies and how much she is growing,  talking, learning, and will no longer by my little baby. Stupid hormones making me sad and want to cry while writing this. Then there is my little sweet pea Mysterious m. She has recently been put in inpatient at a hospital for children and adolescents who have behavioral issues. She had a plan to kill herself and I had to act on it or I would never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.This past year has been a hard year for her and all of us. She has been more moody, aggressive, homicidal and suicidal. But a lot of these instances alone makes you think its a typical 12 year old trying to figure out who they are and nothing to worry about but in the big picture with all of it together you realize there is a mood disorder here. Which is where her doctors and I are at this moment. So far they think its bipolar and that makes sense to me. So we are running different test to make sure its nothing else and nothing medical. She has been really aggressive to her younger sister and a few times to myself. She has homicidal tendencies to myself and my husband a lot for the last six months. I just thought it was anger. I blame myself a lot for what is going on with her. I know its not my fault. But I knew that something like this would eventually happen since i have family members that have mental health problems. I shouldn't say I knew I should say I always worried that it would happen. I just want her happy and healthy. It is hard for me to not have her here with me, to see what she is going through and to not be able to make it go away. I know none of its my fault or hers or any ones. But as her mom i will blame myself time to time since that is what moms do. I did the best thing and put her where she is getting great care and counseling, medication and the testing that she needs. I see her twice a week for visiting hours and once a week for family counseling plus she talks to me 10 minutes every day but that doesn't take the whole in my heart away. It is hard but it would have been harder if i didn't do anything. But I still miss my baby. I can't wait for the day I can take her home and smother her with kisses till she screams. I just get sad because it is November and there is so much going on this month with my baby shower, birthday party for a cousin, thanksgiving, school stuff and for some of it she won't be out to see it. She was admitted Monday and it has only been a few days but so far they are talking a few weeks up to six maybe longer. I am hoping it will be on the shorter end. But I don't want her to come home to early and not get the care she needs. Plus being the weekend today is super hard on me. Because weekends are family time and we spend every moment with each other. We are a close family and being apart sucks. My natural instinct when I am sad is to eat crappy junk food and sweets. Being diabetic I can't do that. That sucks. So tonight we went grocery shopping and i overindulged in buying sweets that I will slowly eat instead of the binge eating i would love to do. I am going to try to occupy my mind this weekend it is just hard when i am sad. Plus during the week I am talking to her doctors, her school counselor, therapist for hours every day that I can't do anything for awhile which keeps me inside and makes me lonely. Its a tough time right now and I am so grateful for all of my friends and family who have shown love and support. I am trying to read, write or paint during the day to take my mind off of things for a few hours. My body is showing the stress by having a rough night sleep, stomach issues and feeling dehydrated but i take care of myself and that is all that i can do. Right now I am trying to remember just breathe. Just keep swimming is what comes to my mind and has always helped me when I come into rough spots in life. I love that movie. 80's music helps too especially foot loose makes me want to dance and the upbeat music helps uplift me. I needed to get this all of my chest and I promise to write more than a few months or weeks at a time. Dale got his wisdom tooth pulled out today and his mouth is hurting him so I have to finish writing so that i can give him some tlc and eat a late dinner.

New adventures in sleepy town

It has been two weeks since school started and I still hate getting up at 650/7am. I sometimes don't shower till 830. I have a routine going every morning and feel very accomplished. I am more tired now than I have ever been. I had energy in this trimester until I started waking up early. We even mad the night time routine better so kids are asleep in bed no later than 9, we can have adult time and he can be in bed by 10. Me not so much I read my book (which finally started to get good so I can finally get through it and onto the next book in that series) til either 11 or fall asleep reading it and wake up to go to the bathroom and shut off the light. But so far the night and day routine has worked out fine. I was proud of myself last week I finally got energy, motivation and cooperation from a little lady (emie) to do my house cleaning on Friday. There has been however problems with Mysterious m's attitude and behavior and now it is rubbing off onto her school work. It takes her 5 hours to do homework. Now I have to cut homework off at 6pm so she can do her little bit of chores and night time routine then she can finish homework. I have emailed the team leader (middle school grades are split into two teams) about her doing homework for 5-6 hours and having issues with it. She already knew that she was having issues before I emailed her, meaning she is showing this behavior at school. Great. I had to do the same thing last year with her last team leader. Last year was horrendous. She didn't turn in assignments on time or at all. She had bad organization skills where her homework was crumbled, thrown in locker, she didn't write assignments down in her assignment notebook, wasn't letting us check her homework and her grades were failing. Well only two were bad math and literature. After the team leader was working with us (I am not at school and can't see what she is doing there) her math grade went up from a c to an a! Her literature went from a D to a B! She did great and ended up on honor roll and was proud of herself. Now she is falling back into bad behaviors, when asked why she sasses back, doesn't care, doesn't do chores, doesn't do her homework she says I just don't care about life. I don't understand why someone who has a good life doesn't care. I had a bad life when I was her age and all I wanted was someone to care enough to discipline me, and show me the things i show her. She just doesn't get what I do for her instead she says I am mean when I punish her. WTF. Oh well what can I do. All I can do is just keep working with her team leader, keep the communication open with her and punish when needed. Emie has gone on a learning schedule. Which we always were on but I am more strict about it during school time. I teach her colors, alphabet, letters, numbers, different harder words, her full name, where she lives, she watches educational shows, reads educational books. I try my best to teach her the way i should. My new adventure has been starting a business with Avon. I decided to try to do it since I love Avon and it would be nice for some extra money. I have a website where you can buy online if you want. http://htenney.avonrepresentative.com/. So far my only customer has been my mom who bough a lot from me last campaign. The new campaign is 18 and is due in 6 days on 8/27. I am nervous that I won't sell this campaign. I really want my business to succeed. I have advertised on Craig's list, twitter, my Avon face book fan page:
https://www.face book.com/HeathersAvonMarkAndTinyTilliaPage
and I have even left books at Woodman's in Wisconsin along with some business cards i have. Still no new customers or orders. I gave some books to my mil, my mom and some family members. I am nervous this won't work. I am trying to stay positive. I just really want to be successful and make some extra money for my family. I stress out over money and this would help me not stress out. If you would like to buy online go on my site, if you would like to order directly through me you can email me at heathertenney@rocketmail.com and I will give you my info. I have some books for campaign 18 & 19. 19 is halloween stuff and I will be having a launch party for that campaign so people can see the product. So hopefully I can sell more and get more customers. Fingers crossed. My other adventure is this pregnancy. As you all know I am high risk so I go to my ob every 3 weeks, and a maternal fetal medicine doctor every 2 weeks. Today I will be seeing a dietitian for my diabetes. I am type 2 and have been since before my second, maybe before that. I had a few bad doctors that didn't care about my health issues before emie ( i was on public aid and they treated me badly), now I have awesome doctors who want to make sure I get the medicine I need for my multiple sclerosis and diabetes. I am having my thyroid checked out and my heart too. They are worried about these things. I see my new neurologist soon. So I am on a doctor schedule, that is the way my mfm likes it. So far baby boy is growing well and strong. Hes very healthy. Which is great news. I will write again soon need to take my blood sugar level and try to convince emie for us to leave house since I am bored. :)

Summer is almost over

I haven't been on in almost two months. It has been hard trying to keep a 12 year old and a 2 year old busy. Two different age groups is hard to keep occupied without hearing I'm bored from the older one. Although you still heard that word no matter what. Also the last month Evil e has decided that she would have a pacifier full time again and stop potty training. The past week I have weaned her off for a few hours at a time of the pacifier. She doesn't take it at bedtime. Potty training has been back to full affect the past week. Not sure why she did all this but I am assuming it might be the new baby growing in my tummy that she is jealous of. She is super excited and likes to hear his heartbeat (I have a home doppler so I can hear the baby)and talk to him. I have a video monitor and she thinks she can see the baby in my tummy with that she is confused that you have to wait for baby to come out before you see him lol. She is speaking so well in sentences, counting more and more excited about life in general. When her sister starts school on august 13, I will start teaching her pre-school stuff and doing more craft activities and more play dates. She loves to finger paint and draw. I am also thinking of getting her into some sort of dance class and gymnastics for toddlers. She loves to do both. For us summer is almost over since my oldest starts school on Monday. She will be in 7th grade. I can't believe how time flies by. Last year she improved her grades so much that she went on honor roll. I am so proud of her. This year she wants to keep that up. Sometime this week I have to take her to get her first day of school outfit. It is our tradition and spending us time. Its fun, she loves it a lot. My husband has been doing more overtime for extra money which is nice but I miss him. Still trying to work in a date night. Need to find a sitter first or train the 12 year old harder. I really would like to go to the movies or dinner without kids. Our us time usually is at night after kids go to bed. As for jelly bean we do have names picked out and some family members know. I might make it a vote on here, not sure yet about that. I suddenly just got a craving for a chicken sandwich from wendys. Ok back to writing lol. He is growing more and more, kicking more and this second trimester hasn't been too bad. First trimester was horrible. This is me so far and I am 17 weeks and counting. 
I can't wait to see him and hold him. As far as I go I have been slowly reading book 4 of 6 from vampire academy on my tablet. And I just want to get past this book it is slow and not enough action plus i want to hurry up and read this series so I can read the book I have been waiting for. Shadow of night by Deborah harkness. It is book 2 of 3. 3 unfortunately is not out yet and there is talk about a movie coming out for the first book. I loved that book so much i felt like i was cheating on the main character with my husband lol. You get involved in that book. I love that when that happens. All right will be heading off here so I can do my inventory/menu/grocery list. Later I will come back on and give some budget tips and explain my menu process. I have been asked by a few friends to tell them about it and I decided to do a blog on it.