Tuesday, March 17, 2015
I feel lost when she is gone like I am not whole unless she is with me all I have ever wanted is for my daughter to be happy. I know reactant happen till she gets the help she needs.residential will help her, I will have to continue to be strong. I have no other choice. I was reading this bloggers page where she had to leave an abusive relationship while d going so her son remained in with the guy until now, she has custody but my heart was breaking reading the poems and in d nights she had about her son and other kids from a previous relationship not being with her.and all I could think of was how I hope th o never feel that pain and that poor woman, I felt for her. It's not the same to say the least but mysterious could be gone for six months to a year.
I sleep poorly when she is gone in the hospital, I feel weird doing anything for myself when she is gone for those two weeks, how am I going to do this for 6months or a year? I'm angry at whatever monster took over my child, I want to hit and shake it. Tell why couldn't you leave my child alone. I miss my daughter who likes to chat with you about anything, I miss the child who like to play board games with me, do her nails, go shopping. One day the monster will be gone I tell myself, for now I will try so hard to not break. Can't break. I know she will be safe but it did still hard to let her go. I need time to fly so she can be with me again.
Writing will be my salvation, my out, my need so I don't breAk. I can do this, I need to do this as for my family.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Journal Entry 3-1-15
I don't believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason. Yesterday I spoke with someone who I bowl with that just happened to be a nurse at the behavioral facility M recently went too. M told me about it and I decided that I would talk to her about it. I think anyone who can work with mentally ill people are special in my book. And anyone who wants to help my child is even more special in my book. Our conversation was nice and in the end we exchanged numbers. She also encouraged me to back into blogging, she even said I should write a book.
So this morning as I was checking face book while I was in the bathroom (sorry if tmi lol), there was an ad about a movie called no letting go. It's about a family struggling to cope with their son's mental illness. He becomes irritable, anxious and has a mood disorder. I watched the 30 second clip as tears strolled down my face, my heart was screaming that's my life. Now I couldn't find the movie anywhere since they are trying to raise money so that the movie can be made as an indie film first, but that movie felt like it was made for me. Now it is based in the time period when mental illnesses were just being talked about and coming out more, so that family's struggle was even harder as they most likely didn't have the resources we do now. But nonetheless I still was touched and felt that mom's struggle. Every day here is a struggle, M is aggressive, moody, defiant, mean and its a struggle.
My happy child is gone, nothing makes her happy anymore, she is on meds, we have two therapists who see her, she has a probation officer. Let me back up some since I haven't written in ages. M hit me a few times that were so violent I had to call the police, she hit her now 5 year old sister a few times over the years that needed medical attention, she also hit her dad a few times where he called the police. The arrest from me lead to her going to a peer trial where her peers would decide her punishment. Which they did, she had to write a book about anger, do at home community service and listen to her parents. She only followed the anger book. They than told her if she didn't follow the rules or if she harmed someone again than the arrest from me than could have her go to real court, which happened since she hit her dad again. So we have been going to court since November 28, 2014 and on March 18 she will be sentenced.
When this case first hit the court she went to a probation office since she has no record and they were just going to be light with her but when they asked why she is aggressive, she lied and said that her parents beat her causing a dcfs investigation to start when they realized there was no abuse and she said she was lying, she was than charged with a class a felony which is prison from 1 to 7 years. Thankfully the state dropped those charges so she just has misdemeanors for the domestic battery against myself and my husband. Her sentencing can be community service or juvenile detention time. Her probation officer and myself and my husband are working on her getting into residential. The probation officer will present that to the judge and the judge will decide if that is best for her. We think it is since she will be in a controlled environment where they can help work with her more on her bipolar manic episodes, since she has so many in a day.
So each day we deal with swearing, yelling, defiance behaviors with her not wanting to do her chores or school work, self harming, talk of suicide, talk of homicide. I just need her to have a good day. I need my happy child back. Okay journal time for me to clean the house before all the monsters wake up.
Friday, April 11, 2014
I am proud of her. I just want her to not blame others an be happy. I just want her to see and know she can change. She is capable of it. I hope she keeps at it.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
We were in a rush for Evilcious to turn around so that we could see her and interact with her facing front forward even though we have mirrors so we can still see them rear facing. I think we just felt we needed to that. Technically with her weight she could still be rear facing. She is only 32 pounds. Texas is 23 pounds but his height is super long 32 inches. I just want him comfortable but safe. The next car seat I will be buying is for Evilcious, the one I want will separate into a booster when it is time for that and it is bigger so she will be safer plus it has better support than hers does. As for the baby food, I bought store made with both girls and Texas I made my own. I even make snacks for the girls. One of their favorite homemade snacks is fruit sauce. It is just 3 different fruits blended together, no sugar, or any additives. I freeze it the other containers and put in hot water to defrost and the girls have said it's consistency is thick like pudding and better than store bought apple sauce. Score 1 for me!
I feel great making his own baby food. Obviously I don't anymore since he eats everything we do but he just got two more teeth making it a total of four teeth he has so I do boil fruit so it is softer for him, same with veggies for snacks. I just feel like I make better food choices for him now than I did with the other two. Not saying I gave them crap, I am just more aware of what I make and give them plus Texas has very high blood sugar and has a high chance of being diabetic like me. All my kids are at risk since I have diabetes but since birth he has been high. So I watch him more like a hawk, although the girls don't eat much sweets but I don't let anyone eat too much crappy snacks here. Some but not much.
I love cloth diapering. Sometimes it's gross when I am spraying off poop from a diaper blow out but it saves me money and is good for the environment plus is great for my son's tushy since he has eczema. It was really great after his surgery for his missing ball. I love the prints and have become an expert of my own kind with it after cloth diapering Evilcious and Texas and will with the next one we are trying to have. I enjoy when my son is only in a diaper in cloth, since they are so cute. Being a stay at home mom with Evilcious since she was 11months old and all of Texas's life so far is a great feeling. I feel bad I didn't have that opportunity with Mysterious, I worked six days a week with her. But I try not to dwell on that. I feel like the older I am getting I do more research and make sure I am doing the best for my children.
I am also researching vaccines more and won't be giving any of my kids unnecessary ones especially the new born babies. I plan to breast feed again as long as my body will let me and the baby will take it with the next one. I try to be the best mom I can be, we have dance parties instead of too much t.v., we have craft time when I can spare time from work, we play with each other whether it be with games or in the playroom. I want time spent with my kids not material items.
Monday, February 3, 2014
I am a survivor, I have been a victim in situations I could not control and I chose to survive or I would of died. I also was a victim in my teenager years of my choosing where I would complain and whine and not change. It got me nowhere. I was pathetic and I didn't care. I didn't care about myself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone.I don't understand why people don't get that. I know it took me awhile to see that.And sometimes I don't have patience with whiners and I know I should have more patience since I fully admit I was one. But still it drives me insane. If you don't like your life than change it. You can only change yourself not anyone else or anything else. So if your life sucks but you have changed yourself and have done everything you possibly can than I truly am sorry than life does suck but for those that all you do is have a pity party than you only have yourself to blame.
I am not trying to be mean but I will not sugar coat anymore. I have friends like this, my brother and mother are like this along with people in my family and my oldest is like this. I will continue to make my life better, change myself and am fully aware of others needs(or at least I try to be). If my relationship with my husband was failing I would do everything in my power to make it better. Relationships are hard especially living with someone else. Men can be little bitches sometimes even the good ones. I love my husband and we do fight not often and not for long but we tell the other person our feelings and how things can change. This could be sexual, financial, emotional, however things to change so they are constantly better and not failing we will do it. As you should. In a relationship there are two people not one. It's a "WE" thing not a "ME" or "I" thing.
Like I said it's jut that simple.Now I didn't say it will happen over night I am not a magician but over days you can see a change. I am making a change for the better for my life. I will be working out from home a couple times a week (starting off a couple times a week first so I don't die from an asthma attack ;) ) Not just because I want to lose the last 10 pounds from Evilcious. I know I look slim but I have had those pesky 10 pounds from her (she will be 4 on feb 22nd by the way) that just wouldn't go away. Plus I have a saggy butt now that I am getting older, hips that are so wide I really am an hour glass, a butt that is so huge I knock everything over so I will be tightening that ass. I just want to look good and feel good. I have an eating disorder that I have kept control for some years now and staying in shape will help that little demon stay in control.
I don't eat like crap so working out will be a lifestyle change not a quick fix with some dieting. I don't believe in dieting. I will also go back to only two cheat days a week (which is chocolate cheat days). If I can wake up at 6 am and workout and change my lifestyle, I think others can quit whining and complaining and change. I hope my oldest starts changing soon. She was doing good for 6 days straight there than just stopped caring and has for over 7 days just been unruly. I want her to love herself and care enough to change for herself not for me or for her therapist or for anyone but for her. Than she will will truly feel great for herself.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Anyone can give birth to a child that doesn't make you a mom. That makes you an incubator. A mom is someone who wipes the tears away when your child has a boo boo. A mom is someone who pretends to be in a diner and you're child gives you play food to eat. A mom is someone who holds their child tight when they have a nightmare. A mom is someone who wants to pull her hair out because her child is screaming and mom is trying to clean. A mom is someone who teaches their child to take their first steps, first meal, first smile, first word, how to swim, how to be independent. A mom is not someone who gave birth to a child and who can float in and out of your life. A mom is not someone who can just show up when it is convenient to them in the child's life. A mom is not someone who puts their needs before the child. A mom should always put their child first. Just because you gave birth and have a child does not mean you are a good parent. A good parent is someone who is exhausted, happy, sad, plays with their kids. I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be but I am so tired of hearing women say they are a good mom but than the next word out of their mouth is selfish,selfish things. We all need me time and a break from kids. And some days are better than others. It is hard to juggle families, work, playtime, school time, cleaning, relationship time but we all do it. I am just so tired of hearing some women complain when all they did was give birth and their kids suffer from day to day because they won't give them the attention a child so deserves.
My mom didn't play with me when I was a child so that taught me to play more with my child. I know sometimes I want to just play computer games and be left alone but that is not the real world. (not saying I don't play computer games, I do but usually with a child on my lap and the other sitting next to me) I am not attaching moms or saying anyone is not perfect if you don't do what I say. That is not what I am saying at all. I am just tired of my mom in particular saying she was a good parent when she gave me up and has blamed me for everything that has ever happened to her. I have tried and tried to work things out and go to counseling with her but for some reason I am just the anti christ to her. I just don't understand how someone can have so much hate/despise for someone who grew in you. I am not saying I was a great kid,teenager or even adult. I have a TON of flaws. I have addictions, I swear way too much, I'm loud, I am mean when I want to be. But even with all of that I try every day to always put my children first and not to blame others for my problems/mistakes.
I don't expect her to be perfect. I hate perfect people. I just want to be loved and showed that I am the best thing that happened to her. I remember as a child how my family would get together and enjoy each other's company. Now they all talk behind my back and to my face how horrible of a person I am, how I suck as a mother. All because my mom told them something (which I have no idea what she said or I did supposedly). I miss them but I can't be around toxic people who don't see that I have changed and will continue to do so. So I swear when I am frustrated or mad. Whatever, I am Italian and it just comes out. I am trying to swear less but sometimes I get so mad that even the swear words coming out don't even do my anger justice. Walk a day in my shoes before judging me. Walk a day being me before you say I can do it better. I give every person the benefit of doubt until you prove me otherwise. I am not on this earth to make anyone happy but myself and my children and my hubby. I am done people pleasing.
Does this mean I no longer want her in my life. No. It means I can't be abused or accused or lied to anymore. Means I am tired of people looking at me like I have leprosy. I didn't do anything that horrible that I should be shunned. But because of all of this and because of the way I was treated by my family as a teenager and adult, I have seen how I want to my immediate family to be. It's a how not to be like them and I do the opposite of that. I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I do family things the way I wanted them to be for me. I am not saying my childhood always sucked. I do have fond memories but they are in few to the horrible nightmares I have. I am true to myself and I will continue to do that.
Very powering to say I am done pleasing people and here I come rawr.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I know sometimes like today, I am a crazy ranting lunatic because I am on my period and I am super crabby and every little thing was setting me off (stupid cabin fever), but you did great today as you have for the past five days. For five days straight you have been good, doing all of your chores, making sure you did your "coping skills" when you are angry, agressive, anxious or depressed, learning to not talk back, walking away when angry and learning to accept being told what to do. I knew you could do it! You are such a smart girl. You even participated in therapy on Monday. I am so proud of you. You have been able to play on your tablet, watch tv, listen to music. This is what being a kid is all about. I know you don't want to listen to what we always have to say, but we are your parents and we know what is best. We are trying to help you for the future. I am glad you see we are on your side and not against you. I have no idea what it is like to have bipolar or aspergers. I do know that you are so strong and brave. I know you have had some bumps in the road and I am happy you overcame them. I know you will have bad days but we have never had this many good days in a row. Keep up the good work.
I could probably write more but my computer is annoying me with the way it is lagging. I also want to curl up in a ball with the amount of cramps I am having.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Monday after a long and explosive 3 hour therapy session (which is normally 1), Mysterious went in the hospital. She has been self harming, threatening to myself and her therapist, not taking her medications, scratch that throwing up her meds.
Not following directions or doing as told, not caring about herself or others,has harmed me twice- one of the times I was pushed into my curio cabinet and I stuck my hand out for support and broke my finger. She pushed evilcious' s head into the coffee table last year, watched texas fall into the tub and didn't do anything or care. I ran to help him.
Now we are having her have a pysch evual a second time to see if we missed something and that is the requirements for this grant that the hospital is applying for her to be in residential. Her therapist, her team at the hospital and us believe that residential is what she needs. She needs a controlled environment where staff can help her understand her aggression and agitation towards us.
She gets this way when told what to do. Yes we have disciplined her in taking items away, sending her to her room, manual labour, respite workers, reward systems, sticker charts, the whole nine yards. Nothing we or the hospital or the therapist could come up with has worked.
Being bipolar and having aspergers can be hard. But that is what they are teaching her, to understand what goes on on her head , how to control it, using coping skills, walking away, talking it out, except she does none at home. She has no friends. Refuses to make any or even leave the house to play. She refuses to play, instead she fights and stares at you.
I hope this hospital stay or residential works.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
I wasn't one of those that posts each day in November what I am thankful for. I just don't do that or complain about the weather or take pictures of my food. I am however thankful and do have a list. I am thankful I did not kill my kids since every holiday they take hours to get out the door. Scratch that every day but holiday is worse. Mysterious was having a bad hair day and was trying on tons of headbands. Evilicious was fighting me over wearing a dress. I wanted her to wear one and sge wanted to be in pants. Yes it would have been easier to have let her win but she is so cute in a dress and when I was younger we dressed up. Yes I hated it and yes I am a tomboy and i don't always wear a dress but she's three and I want her as my princess til she doesn't like me like mysterious doesn't. Ok she likes me today. But she's thirteen and sometimes doesn't like herself. Back to being thankful, I am thankful I have a husband who ignores my crazy yelling at everyone when stressed, gives me a break like last night when I went out by myself and hung out with his mom, gives me affection and works hard on our relationship. I am thankful for my family and accepting my loud foul mouth and loving my flaws. I'm greatful I can work from home and that someone created a mute button so that I can yell at my kids but still be professional. I am thankful for chocolate and for that I stay somewhat sane. I am thankful for my friends who accept I am a looney but laugh at I mean with me. I am very thankful for myself and tge yummy desserts I make that make me wish I was not diabetic and that I could eat it all day everyday. I am thankful for all you who read this blog and believe the silly idea that I'm not crazy.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Its 2 am I should be sleeping since I have to get up early for my sons surgery consultation instead I came home late from work and am arguing with my brother. I no longer talk to my mom since she called dcfs on myself and my husband. Which hurts me everyday not to speak to her. But she put fear in my children. The investigation was closed and we were found innocent. It was ridiculous allegations. I know longer talk to my family since all they see is lies about me. My family is my dad, hubby, my kids, my friends and my husbands family. That doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I do miss my family but I can't put myself in situations where I have to constantly defend myself. My family is judgemental and is on high horses alot. I habe been through a lot. Instead of seeing whp I have become and what a beautiful person I am they choose to see me for the lies my mother has told. Which I don't even know what those lies are. It pains me my family will never see my kids grow up, see them get married, see them have kids. I don't understand why it is so important for them to bring others down insted of forgiving and seeing the good things they have done. I am not perfect. But ivrey so very hard to what is best for my family and myself. When I was a kid they were all perfect in my eyes. Now that picture is so tainted. I wish I was born into a family that wasn't so damn dysfunctional.
Monday, November 18, 2013
This weekend I moved my brother in law to his new house. I'm happy he is starting a new chapter in his life. Its great. But at the same time. I want a new house. I wanted this before he moved since my house is feeling smaller since we have three kids and we want one more plus hubby found a stray and now we have three dogs. So there is a plan in motion for us to find a bigger house in 2-5 years.
It always seems when someone has something new so do I. When my brother has a new game, I want one. When someone has a new phone, I want one. When my brother got a new car, I wanted one. I love my life and I'm very greatful for all that I have and am not sad at all. It just seems like shiny and new is always cooler.
Maybe I am the only one but that's how I feel. I'm perfectly happy in my life, I just like shiny new things.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
We have received letters from the current mortgage company even though we have filled out paperwork for a forbearance from them. We are in constant communication with the mortgage company so that has worked in our advantage and there was nothing wrong, they just scared me because some dumb dumb at the company didn't know we were in communication. So everything is ok with that which makes my stress less.
Than I was stressed out because of working from home, cleaning, giving kids attention and leaving the house. I just needed a balance and I hadn't had that for quite awhile. So last week while being in the shower I came up with plans to make everything work. First I decided that I had to give up the control I thought I had. Then I told my husband as far as the mortgage went I would put as much money as we can aside for it, plus if we couldn't get a forbearance or catch up that we both agreed we would do a mortgage counseling and if we didn't qualify for that, then ask for money from his parents (which we have done once before and I hate doing that) and if they couldn't give it to us (not saying they can't but was just giving myself a worse case scenario) then we would short sale the house and rent a house. I needed a plan or I was going to drown.
Then as far as the balance for work and house duties along with kids went I decided that I would try to leave at least 1-2 times a week. Friday my balance was great except for the getting out of the house and cleaning part done. What I did was I woke up got ready, got all my morning stuff done, fed everyone and started working. It helps now that I have a battery for my computer so I can bring the laptop everywhere and not worry about it dieing without being plugged in. I worked while eating and feeding kids. I also have a stopping point, which is super important for the balance. If I am going into the office that night (a.k.a my mother in laws) I have an end point at 4pm so I can fold laundry from that day (I do laundry everyday or it just piles up) do one chore and than spend some time with my family before I start cooking. Once I am done cooking I eat, then shower my oldest (yes she is 13 but since she has Aspergers and a huge hygiene issue) I have to wash her hair and watch her shave her armpits and wash herself otherwise her hair looks greasy, she will smell and basically she is just in hot water pushing the dirt around.She gave me a migraine from her smell one day and I don't want her picked on.
The days I don't go into work I end at 5 and do my house chores and family time. Which is nice since I relax more on those days. I went to work three nights in a row last week coming home at 1/2 am than getting up at 6/630 to take care of kids while hubby would get up with the baby in the middle of the night. I was so glad it was Friday and I could finally relax. This week I plan on putting the end time in affect (although I do have to keep watch on work emails and make sure I am still giving quotes to customers if they need them in a timely matter which doesn't take long), making sure my one chore is done that day, laundry is folded and put away and I take kids either to the park every day or leave a few times during the week either in the afternoon or the morning and tell my boss( my brother in law, which I did on Halloween that I am not available from this time to this time). I realized I can do this balance it just takes finesse and patience.
The other stress I had was being lonely and not having a social life. Which I also came up with a plan by talking on face book when I have a chance to friends through messenger more, texting more and planning a time to see them but sticking to it. I know sometimes I am going to have a bad day where kids will annoy me, work will annoy me and I want to scream but this way by making a plan things will be a little less hectic and tiring.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
The kids had a blast even though it was rainy and cold. We only did a a three streets when last year we did so much more but
Texas enjoyed daddy holding his chunky butt while trick or treating at each house. Which is huge for him since he hates strangers, I mean oh my god you are talking to me screaming making faces where is my mommy panic towards strangers. Mysterious came up with a Halloween costume idea and really enjoyed Halloween this year. She was ventriloquist dummy at school and a murderer at home. It was nice to see her so happy and enthusiastic about something.
Hubby dressed as a zombie, Texas as a dragon.
Friday, October 25, 2013
She kept insisting every day that someone was coming to break in even though I explained everything to her. So we came up with a safety plan, told her if someone did break in, I would put both kids in my bathroom and she should lock my bathroom door. We practiced her dialing 911 (not actually dialing the number or we would have had police here) telling us what she would say to the police on the phone. Practicing our names, her name, what was happening. Then we went from that to stranger danger which we have prepared her for the last month. You know the don't go to anyone who has candy, puppies, lies about mommy telling them to pick her up. Always holding my hand, never letting go or running away from me in public. I prepared my oldest the same way. My mom never did and my brother would hug and walk off with anyone. I remember when I was 7 we were at the roller skating rink and my mom was panicking since no one could find him. Everyone in the rink was looking. They found him about 20 minutes later 2 blocks away with a stranger he walked with from the rink. He just went up to her, took her hand and left. Thankfully that person was not dangerous and brought him back. She was an older lady and didn't think much of it. But come on I know it was the 80s but that shit was scary.
I know when I was a kid if something bad happened to you, like if you were walking home from school and someone was following you and you needed to go to a safe place there were houses that had stars on them telling you that was a safe house, where you could call the police and not be harmed. Now you don't know who is safe or not. Sad we have to prepare our children for the worse, but I would rather prepare them instead of something happening if I didn't prepare them. Hopefully nothing will ever happen to my babies but I will do what I can to protect them.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
- Being so cold because it is 30 degrees with a high of 44 and I am freezing balls. And because of being so cold it leaves me with no motivation to get out of bed.
- People who brag about their kids all the time! There is nothing wrong with someone saying their kid(s) are great and the things they do or accomplish is great but all the fucking time, please get a life if all you do is talk about your kids. No-one cares that they poop and they are 6. (I warned I might be a little bitchy ;) )
- Kids not listening when you call their name and you know they can hear you, because they are staring at you but actively ignoring you, but its ok to say mom 150 times a day.
- Drivers that are in such a hurry they are speeding and up your ass only for them to go in and out of lanes to get two cars in front of you. Thanks for scaring me and my kids jackhole.
- Drivers that are so slow that it takes 5 hours to get 10 minutes down the road with kids who are crying and have to pee.
- Selfish people who just want to whine, complain about everything and have everyone do everything for them.
- My downstairs is so cold I drape in a blanket to be warm, but my bedroom is so hot that I sweat bullets and have to have the window air on to maintain balance.
- Daniel Tiger- I love his concepts, since my preschooler has and is picking up his wonderful concepts but his songs stick in my head and I am singing them to my 13 year old and she is laughing at me.
- Not having enough chocolate in my house. I buy a ton but I also eat a ton. And yes I am diabetic but I will not cut out chocolate or people will die and I will be on the six o'clock news randomly bumping people off. :)
- My dogs when they bark at nothing and wake up children.
- Being so tired and having sex only 2-3 times a month if I am lucky. Trying to get some 2-3 times a week, will keep you posted when that happens. (Maybe I will be less bitchy ;) )
- Reading the same article five million times from a million different views on the internet. Sometimes Facebook annoys me but I need my social time since I rarely see other people or talk to other people.
- Scrambled eggs or cheerios from kids sticking to my socks and being traveled all over the house
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
One of my new mom "friends" that I met yesterday asked if we could meet her again on Thursday after preschool. So yay I have a scheduled park date! My husband teased me. But I don't have friends I talk to every day, I understand we all get busy, I don't expect anyone to drop everything and hang out with me as I clean my house. I learned to manage that sometimes the only socialization I will get will be face book, texts, or the random person talking to me at the park, library, store or mall.
That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old friends or my feelings aren't a tiny bit hurt when someone blocks or deletes me from face book. I do have feelings too. I may be rough around the edges and a bitch. But I still have feelings and sometimes like people. :) I do love the time I spend with my kids. Although sometimes I wish I could drink wine in a sippy cup when they are really bad. Especially now that Texas crawls and is trying to walk and stand. He is a trouble maker and into everything!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
When I'm lonely doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a friend. I have friends but I don't always have time for play dates and get togethers with naps, cleaning, work, playtime, and hubby as most women don't have time. And I have come with the understanding over time that I'm ok with that. I see my friends when i can or talk by email, text, phone or face book. When I'm frustrated or sad or stressed doesn't mean that I need medication or counseling or medical help. Means I need a break, some me time, some wine time. I just want people to understand me not judge or try to change me.
I am a bitch, a sweetheart, a mother, a lover, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a loudmouth, a potty mouth, a smart ass, a comedian (or at least I think I am funny), a cook, sometimes a drama queen, a good listener, a survivor and a very strong person. So just because I let you into my life and tell you all my dirty secrets (shhhhh), doesn't mean that you can shake your finger at me. I am just like you but I have red hair, yes its out of a bottle and yes I will be covering those roots soon, geesh I told you to not judge me. I know my icky brown is showing and no your brown is not icky, but mine is just gross to me, I sometimes look like a model when I can do my hair and makeup, I am a good person or try to be and just want people to understand what it is to be a mother of three, stay at home, part time work, one child is bipolar with aspergers.
All of that is hard plus having multiple sclerosis but I somehow find a way to make it all work and this chronicles those ways and help others to feel not alone and for me to not feel like the crazy mom that i sometimes feel like.
Friday, September 20, 2013
I am terrified she will kill herself while I am sleeping. Being in the hospital doesn't change anything in her. I know life is hard for her being bipolar, aspergers and a girl. But if she can't handle being a teenager how is she going to do it when she is an adult?! I work with her therapist, school counselor, psychiatrist, get her testing for the aspergers, even put her on medication for her depression and my dad said are you sure you are doing everything?! He thinks I am too hard on her. He sees us every two weeks on a Wednesday, sometimes I am yelling at her or my husband is when he is over (he didn't see the argument she started since she came home) and he will tell me that I am not patient enough or that I yell too much or that I am not a good parent.
Are you fricking kidding me?! Unless you are in my shoes day in and day out you have no clue as to what I am doing, the sacrifices I make, the steps I take. It is so easy to judge when you think you are the father of the year. Didn't know father of the year awards went to men who abandon their children at the age of 8, beat them, never hug or show them love. That is how my dad was when I was a child and you want to give me advice! I am open to criticism and am always open to different ideas on how to make life easier and better for her and all of my kids but please don't attack me as a person when you have no idea even what bipolar or aspergers is. He thinks that just means she is a difficult teen. Ugh he makes me so frustrated I just want to take his head and shove it up his ass. Ok scary rant over, but my dad seriously makes me very angry. We have gotten closer over the years and we decided years ago that he can be my dad but not my father. Meaning he can't parent me since I am 33 and when he did come back in my life I was 17 and way too old for him to parent.
He may not agree with my decisions or my parenting style but I am the adult and I will learn from my mistakes and change things. Sometimes he is just such a grumpy old man and that movie was great but he is not as cool as Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau were in that movie. That is one of my all time favorite movies. My dad would be the bitchy one that they would kick out of the neighborhood :) . Ok just kidding maybe they wouldn't do that but they would slap him around a bit until he stopped being so bitchy. I love him and he is an overall great guy but he sucks as a dad. Back to Mysterious M, I really want things to get better for her. I want her to see what I see. When I text her remember you are loved, a beautiful person, see things positive like I do, she texts back I know. Ugh that is all you can say after I am being the cheerleader here, I just want to shake my head and sit in a corner until someone shakes some sense in that girl. She used to be my little girl that watched disney movies with me and now she is my little girl that says "i hate you", "will you shut up" and "I wish you would leave".
I think all parents should have a vacation home when kids are in teenager years we can live at until its over. Its even more chaotic when your child has a special need. My life consists of chocolate,coffee and a bottle of wine on occasion. Hoping this weekend will be no fighting, no talking back and doing as told. Ok I almost spit my coffee out when I wrote that. Ok I know I can be delusional at times but maybe the universe will give me that gift.......Just maybe
Monday, September 9, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Lately I feel like I can't catch up with where I want to be. My days consist of cleaning, kids, work, laundry, cooking, preparing baby food, stuffing cloth diapers, fighting with middle child to listen, fighting with oldest to try and to care. I haven't had time to take a little me time by either watching tv shows or playing my video games.
My husband and I barely have sex twice a month if were lucky since the baby came. I haven't left the house unless its a weekend. (My middle child has been in a mood where she just wants to stay home.) I just feel like all I do is domestic shit and this mama needs a break. I want ti play my video game. I want to go somewhere fun with kids. I hate being locked in like Rapunzel. My hair isn't that long.
I am super concerned my oldest will be in residential inpatient if she doesn't start trying. She plots my death on a daily basis. She wants to kick her baby brother. I don't understand why she doesn't see what we do for her. Especially me! It hurts to see someone not try and not care wondering if she will kill herself. I hear constantly my life sucks, your a horrible mom. I think lately that's why I don't fight so hard to leave the house. I have no desire to leave. I feel like a monster. I know she is just angry and its not my fault but it still gets to you. Thankfully I leave twice a week for work for a few hours. That helps. My husband helps but sometimes he just fights with her and It makes it all worse. I just need it all to get easier.
I don't know I how I can make it any better than I am trying to do. But everyone has to work with me or I will just drown from all of this. I am a strong person and very patient. But I have had my fill lately with all the arguing, negative comments, negative thoughts and not trying. My middle child is picking up some of these behaviors. I sometimes honestly just want to lock myself in a room and just veg with the tv. Obviously with kids since I would never leave them. I just need a break badly. I need a break from the constant chaos. She is so out of control lately that everyone has seen it. Usually she won't fight or be this way in front of others but lately its in front of everyone and anyone. I feel like I should hide all of us away from the view of others when she is like this. I constantly give her pep talks and let her know that i am here for her. We will see if it changes soon or we will have to put her back in. I just don't want to do that. I know that if she is not trying now that she might not try in inpatient or when she comes back out.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Over the past weekend I was sick with a stomach virus. My stomach hurt so bad that I was willing to make any deal with the universe to feel better. I would of rather been in labor with another baby that's how bad I felt. Through out the whole weekend while I was feeling icky my husband took over and helped with kids and nurses me. (He usually helps a ton) but this was different. I laid on the couch and played simcity while my stomach cramped. It was nice to relax. I still helped feed the baby. But I'm glad for my hubby. When asked if she would help me my oldest refused and said why should I help mom with her chores I just want to be lazy. Got to love teenagers.
Now she's sick and she wants mommy to baby her. Even though she was mean to me all weekend and I was a little mean back since my feelings were hurt I still take care of sick kids even if that means baby them. That's just the type of mom I am. I hope the two little ones don't get this. My little evil e had a stomach virus so bad a few months back that she had to be hospitalized. It was scary. She couldn't keep anything down. She was constantly sick, very dehydrated. Looked like a skeleton. I was worried. She even lost weight. After two days in the hospital with meds and an I.v she was better. My heart goes out to the moms and dads who have kids with cancer and terminal illnesses. She was just sick with a bug and I was scared. I can't imagine how it is for the parents with a really sick child. Hopefully she won't get it and I really hope the baby won't either.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Friday, November 2, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
and I have even left books at Woodman's in Wisconsin along with some business cards i have. Still no new customers or orders. I gave some books to my mil, my mom and some family members. I am nervous this won't work. I am trying to stay positive. I just really want to be successful and make some extra money for my family. I stress out over money and this would help me not stress out. If you would like to buy online go on my site, if you would like to order directly through me you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will give you my info. I have some books for campaign 18 & 19. 19 is halloween stuff and I will be having a launch party for that campaign so people can see the product. So hopefully I can sell more and get more customers. Fingers crossed. My other adventure is this pregnancy. As you all know I am high risk so I go to my ob every 3 weeks, and a maternal fetal medicine doctor every 2 weeks. Today I will be seeing a dietitian for my diabetes. I am type 2 and have been since before my second, maybe before that. I had a few bad doctors that didn't care about my health issues before emie ( i was on public aid and they treated me badly), now I have awesome doctors who want to make sure I get the medicine I need for my multiple sclerosis and diabetes. I am having my thyroid checked out and my heart too. They are worried about these things. I see my new neurologist soon. So I am on a doctor schedule, that is the way my mfm likes it. So far baby boy is growing well and strong. Hes very healthy. Which is great news. I will write again soon need to take my blood sugar level and try to convince emie for us to leave house since I am bored. :)
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
I can't wait to see him and hold him. As far as I go I have been slowly reading book 4 of 6 from vampire academy on my tablet. And I just want to get past this book it is slow and not enough action plus i want to hurry up and read this series so I can read the book I have been waiting for. Shadow of night by Deborah harkness. It is book 2 of 3. 3 unfortunately is not out yet and there is talk about a movie coming out for the first book. I loved that book so much i felt like i was cheating on the main character with my husband lol. You get involved in that book. I love that when that happens. All right will be heading off here so I can do my inventory/menu/grocery list. Later I will come back on and give some budget tips and explain my menu process. I have been asked by a few friends to tell them about it and I decided to do a blog on it.