Friday, September 20, 2013

Grumpy old men

So Mysterious M is home. My husband picked her up Wednesday night. An hour after being home she started rolling her eyes and giving attitude. Yesterday morning she started a fight with me and again in the evening. Today she is texting me on her way to school that it's too hard for her. I asked what, she replied school, homework, things are overwhelming. She was doing coping skills in the hospital to cope with different stresses, bipolar episodes, anger issues, life in general and since being back has not done one. She has to try to make an effort. I have no idea how to motivate this child to doing what she has to do since she doesn't care. I just want to shake her sometimes and scream we love you!!!!!

I am terrified she will kill herself while I am sleeping. Being in the hospital doesn't change anything in her. I know life is hard for her being bipolar, aspergers and a girl. But if she can't handle being a teenager how is she going to do it when she is an adult?! I work with her therapist, school counselor, psychiatrist, get her testing for the aspergers, even put her on medication for her depression and my dad said are you sure you are doing everything?! He thinks I am too hard on her. He sees us every two weeks on a Wednesday, sometimes I am yelling at her or my husband is when he is over (he didn't see the argument she started since she came home) and he will tell me that I am not patient enough or that I yell too much or that I am not a good parent.

Are you fricking kidding me?! Unless you are in my shoes day in and day out you have no clue as to what I am doing, the sacrifices I make, the steps I take. It is so easy to judge when you think you are the father of the year. Didn't know father of the year awards went to men who abandon their children at the age of 8, beat them, never hug or show them love. That is how my dad was when I was a child and you want to give me advice! I am open to criticism and am always open to different ideas on how to make life easier and better for her and all of my kids but please don't attack me as a person when you have no idea even what bipolar or aspergers is. He thinks that just means she is a difficult teen. Ugh he makes me so frustrated I just want to take his head and shove it up his ass. Ok scary rant over, but my dad seriously makes me very angry. We have gotten closer over the years and we decided years ago that he can be my dad but not my father. Meaning he can't parent me since I am 33 and when he did come back in my life I was 17 and way too old for him to parent.

 He may not agree with my decisions or my parenting style but I am the adult and I will learn from my mistakes and change things. Sometimes he is just such a grumpy old man and that movie was great but he is not as cool as Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau were in that movie. That is one of my all time favorite movies. My dad would be the bitchy one that they would kick out of the neighborhood :) . Ok just kidding maybe they wouldn't do that but they would slap him around a bit until he stopped being so bitchy. I love him and he is an overall great guy but he sucks as a dad. Back to Mysterious M, I really want things to get better for her. I want her to see what I see. When I text her remember you are loved, a beautiful person, see things positive like I do, she texts back I know. Ugh that is all you can say after I am being the cheerleader here, I just want to shake my head and sit in a corner until someone shakes some sense in that girl. She used to be my little girl that watched disney movies with me and now she is my little girl that says "i hate you", "will you shut up" and "I wish you would leave".

 I think all parents should have a vacation home when kids are in teenager years we can live at until its over. Its even more chaotic when your child has a special need. My life consists of chocolate,coffee and a bottle of wine on occasion. Hoping this weekend will be no fighting, no talking back and doing as told. Ok I almost spit my coffee out when I wrote that. Ok I know I can be delusional at times but maybe the universe will give me that gift.......Just maybe