Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Family sucks sometimes

Its 2 am I should be sleeping since I have to get up early for my sons surgery consultation instead I came home late from work and am arguing with my brother. I no longer talk to my mom since she called dcfs on myself and my husband. Which hurts me everyday not to speak to her.  But she put fear in my children. The investigation was closed and we were found innocent. It was ridiculous allegations. I know longer talk to my family since all they see is lies about me. My family is my dad, hubby, my kids,  my friends and my husbands family. That doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I do miss my family but I can't put myself in situations where I have to constantly defend myself. My family is judgemental and is on high horses alot. I habe been through a lot. Instead of seeing whp I have become and what a beautiful person I am they choose to see me for the lies my mother has told. Which I don't even know what those lies are. It pains me my family will never see my kids grow up, see them get married, see them have kids. I don't understand why it is so important for them to bring others down insted of forgiving and seeing the good things they have done. I am not perfect. But ivrey so very hard to what is best for my family and myself. When I was a kid they were all perfect in my eyes. Now that picture is so tainted. I wish I was born into a family that wasn't so damn dysfunctional.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Something new

This weekend I moved my brother in law to his new house. I'm happy he is starting a new chapter in his life. Its great. But at the same time. I want a new house. I wanted this before he moved since my house is feeling smaller since we have three kids and we want one more plus hubby found a stray and now we have three dogs. So there is a plan in motion for us to find a bigger house in 2-5 years.

It always seems when someone has something new so do I. When my brother has a new game, I want one. When someone has a new phone, I want one. When my brother got  a new car, I wanted one. I love my life and I'm very greatful for all that I have and am not sad at all. It just seems like shiny and new is always cooler.

Maybe I am the only one but that's how I feel. I'm perfectly happy in my life, I just like shiny new things.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Who is this chick?

I am a mother of three who started this blog to have somewhere I could write like a journal and get all of my frustrations, opinions, views, and rants out. I have been doing this for three years now. I have been happily married for three years. I have known and been with him for 11 years on and off. He is not the biological father of our first and second daughters but he is their father through and through. It didn't work out for us the first time because his first wife damaged him (I am his third wife) and the second time I was in a super abusive relationship right before him and I got back together so I was damaged. This time we are soul mates, best friends and so much more than that. We are working on getting our sex life in a better place. Hey we have three kids one of which who is 11 months old and just started sleeping through the night plus I work two nights away from the house coming home at 1/130 am plus I have multiple sclerosis which causes me to be in a lot of pain and extra sleepy, so we have a tendency since the baby to have sex  make love twice a month, we both would like it 3+ times a week, so I am trying to make that happen since I am the dominate one in the bedroom. (and relationship haha)

I have multiple sclerosis, diabetes, asthma, osteoperosis, had a stroke will have another one, hpv, stay at home mom who is an office admin who works from home for my in laws and their business.I am a loud Italian/Mexican who is super passionate, loves hard, fights hard, I am a smart ass, funny, artistic, loves to cook, cuddle on the couch with a good book, love family time, am a Sims nerd, love video games where I can kill people, hard worker, procrastinator, shoe whore, dyes my hair red since that is so vibrant and sexy, sex kitten, outgoing and down to earth. I also cloth diaper, make my own baby food, bake and cook from scratch and I personally wear mama cloth.I am a survivor who has survived 6 rapes, sexual abuse as a child from a family member, child abuse, abuse from two boyfriends, eating disorder, alcholism, drug addict, father who abandoned her at age of 8 and came back at age 16, mother who gave her up to foster care at age 12 then got her back at age 17, mommy and daddy issues.

 My oldest who is 13 who we call Mysterious on here also known as rebel without a clue was diagnosed with bipolar last year, recently diagnosed but not tested yet as Aspergers, has been diagnosed three times for suicidal/homicidal attempts. She is also going through puberty and likes negative attention which we found out yesterday during therapy. She is super creative and great in art. She is an a and b student although she can struggle from time to time on getting d's. She is figuring out who she is and is in the in between of a not a kid anymore but not quite an adult yet.

My middle child who is called Evilicious is 3, loves to jump, dance, sing, act silly with mommy, paint, draw on walls and anything really, loves preschool, super independent to the point it can be annoying because you can't get out the door ;) , loves playing with her brother, very smart, sweet, funny and a terror at times. 

My youngest who is called Texas Ranger on here is 11 months who will be 1 on the day after Christmas. He gets into everything, has a great personality, attacks Evilicious when she is mean to him, all boy, loves to rough house, is super smart, mama boy, loves to eat, loves to laugh, has two teeth, is standing on his own a lot and is trying to walk.

This is my life and I write about it whether its a bad day, a crazy day, a boring day. I put it all out there. 

And we want a fourth and are trying to conceive. WE are nuts!!

Friday, November 8, 2013

Sink or Swim

Last week I was having such a hard time with stress that I was drowning with the overwhelmness  of it all. I decided to either sink or swim. I chose swim. I have been through too much to let stress drown me. I was worried about losing our house since we are behind on two months of mortgage now going on three. Due to our mortgage company being bought out by another company, my husband told me to wait in July to pay the new company which lead to being one month behind and spiraling from there.

We have received letters from the current mortgage company even though we have filled out paperwork for a forbearance from them. We are in constant communication with the mortgage company so that has worked in our advantage and there was nothing wrong, they just scared me because some dumb dumb at the company didn't know we were in communication. So everything is ok with that which makes my stress less.

Than I was stressed out because of working from home, cleaning, giving kids attention and leaving the house. I just needed a balance and I hadn't had that for quite awhile. So last week while being in the shower I came up with plans to make everything work. First I decided that I had to give up the control I thought I had. Then I told my husband as far as the mortgage went I would put as much money as we can aside for it, plus if we couldn't get a forbearance or catch up that we both agreed we would do a mortgage counseling and if we didn't qualify for that, then ask for money from his parents (which we have done once before and I hate doing that) and if they couldn't give it to us (not saying they can't but was just giving myself a worse case scenario) then we would short sale the house and rent a house. I needed a plan or I was going to drown.

Then as far as the balance for work and house duties along with kids went I decided that I would try to leave at least 1-2 times a week. Friday my balance was great except for the getting out of the house and cleaning part done. What I did was I woke up got ready, got all my morning stuff done, fed everyone and started working. It helps now that I have a battery for my computer so I can bring the laptop everywhere and not worry about it dieing without being plugged in. I worked while eating and feeding kids. I also have a stopping point, which is super important for the balance. If I am going into the office that night (a.k.a my mother in laws) I have an end point at 4pm so I can fold laundry from that day (I do laundry everyday or it just piles up) do one chore and than spend some time with my family before I start cooking. Once I am done cooking I eat, then shower my oldest (yes she is 13 but since she has Aspergers and a huge hygiene issue) I have to wash her hair and watch her shave her armpits and wash herself otherwise her hair looks greasy, she will smell and basically she is just in hot water pushing the dirt around.She gave me a migraine from her smell one day and I don't want her picked on.

The days I don't go into work I end at 5 and do my house chores and family time. Which is nice since I relax more on those days. I went to work three nights in a row last week coming home at 1/2 am than getting up at 6/630 to take care of kids while hubby would get up with the baby in the middle of the night. I was so glad it was Friday and I could finally relax. This week I plan on putting the end time in affect (although I do have to keep watch on work emails and make sure I am still giving quotes to customers if they need them in a timely matter which doesn't take long), making sure my one chore is done that day, laundry is folded and put away and I take kids either to the park every day or leave a few times during the week either in the afternoon or the morning and tell my boss( my brother in law, which I did on Halloween that I am not available from this time to this time). I realized I can do this balance it just takes finesse and patience.

The other stress I had was being lonely and not having a social life. Which I also came up with a plan by talking on face book when I have a chance to friends through messenger more, texting more and planning a time to see them but sticking to it. I know sometimes I am going to have a bad day where kids will annoy me, work will annoy me and I want to scream but this way by making a plan things will be a little less hectic and tiring.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Halloween is fun when someone else gets candy for you

Every year we all dress up even the adults. After 11 years of doing this my dad finally looks at me and says this is actually fun. D'oh, seriously?! I looked at him and said really now your enjoying yourself after 11 years of dressing up?! He just looked at me and laughed. What a goof. Halloween is my favorite holiday besides Christmas. I love to dress up and get free candy. I used to work at a haunted house when I was pregnant with Mysterious. I haven't since and I really wanted to this year. There is always next year.

The kids had a blast even though it was rainy and cold. We only did a a three streets when last year we did so much more but hubby and I oops I mean the kids got a lot of candy. ;) They had fun which is the whole point to me. Evilicious was able to trick or treat at her favorite teacher's house. She loves her teacher so much, it is so cute the bond they both have. She won't go to any of the other teachers in the classroom but her. She runs to her first thing in the morning. I really enjoy seeing her connect to the teacher in that way. To me it is important she has a healthy relationship with a female like that. Because of my mother and her crazy ways I not have a healthy relationship with women. Instead I was always looking for a mother figure or my mother was always jealous of the relationships that I formed with women. She even despised my mother in law and the relationship we have. It's sad that is the way she is instead of accepting and enjoying the bond.

Texas enjoyed daddy holding his chunky butt while trick or treating at each house. Which is huge for him since he hates strangers, I mean oh my god you are talking to me screaming making faces where is my mommy panic towards strangers. Mysterious came up with a Halloween costume idea and really enjoyed Halloween this year. She was ventriloquist dummy at school and a murderer at home. It was nice to see her so happy and enthusiastic about something.
Hubby dressed as a zombie, Texas as a dragon.
 My dad as a mad scientist.
 Evilicous as Woody from Toy Story.
 Mysterious as a murderer.
 Me as a masquerade ball dancer. I am in my wedding dress and should of taken a longer picture lol.