lt's been awhile.

I know it has been awhile since I have written in this blog. I got busy with the holidays and sometimes I just don't feel like writing or talking. I know I shouldn't feel this way since it only makes me feel lonelier and more blue. But   its an old way that I use to deal with things. I have been trying more and more to get out of the house. I hate winter and it is hard for me to get motivated to go somewhere when i know that it is cold and usually to go to a fun place, I have to drive a pretty good distance. That is the same reason I don't see my friends. Most people and things I want to do is 35 minutes to an hour away but with a child who hates being in cars (as much as my little Evil e does), plus me hating how other people drive, those are the reasons I barely leave my house. Plus I don't like to spend a lot because of financial issues. But I finally said I can't do this anymore. I have been fighting depression all winter long and enough is enough. So a little each week I go out like one or two days a week with emie. (hey baby steps, i would like to do more but once or twice a week is a start). I am also going to try to limit tv time for evil e during the day and be more organized with time. I am going to treat home like it would be for her at school. I am going to have a music time, art time, learning sign language time(i have taught her since she was six months but not consistently),learning numbers and letters time. I want to feel like I am actually teaching her something and that we are interacting more. I know that she knows a lot of words and is very smart. We do play a lot with each other each day but I need structure for me so that I am not bored during the day as much as I am. This way I can cut down my computer time. I am addicted to my computer and Internet. I am always playing on facebook or doing something online. I want to cut that down when emie is awake, mikayla is home from school and when my hubbie is home. My goal is to  give emie the structured time she needs then real me time(which is during nap time and which consists of reading a book, painting or scrap booking. Things I keep saying I will get to but am tired of making excuses and am doing it now). Then when Mysterious m comes home after homework I will give her quality time and the same with my husband. I do give everyone attention but feel I need to give more. I am feeling like because I don't work anymore outside of the home that I  am not really doing anything. I do cook,clean and take care of kids but am not feeling my purpose in life. So structure will be good for me.