Feel like I am drowning

I can't believe it has been five months since I last wrote on here. I constantly am saying to myself ooh that will be a good blog and i forget and don't blog anything. Today I need to start doing things for myself especially blogging. I am feeling very in a funk today the raining isn't helping and they are talking about snow tomorrow and two days next week. Ugh well enough about the crazy weather. I am feeling like all I am is a mom not saying that is a bad thing. Let me help you understand what I am meaning. When you are a working mom (speaking from my own experiences not every working mother in the world) which I was once upon a time, I wanted to be able to with my kids more, spend more time doing fun things with them, I felt chained to my job. Now that I am a stay at home mom and have been for a few years now I feel chained to my home. So I am trying to find a balance where I don't just feel like a mom and not a person. Also I have noticed when I am talking to family or non mom friends, I feel like all I am doing is talking about my kids and not listening as much. Which is one of my flaws I am working on. I do most of my thinking in the shower, and as I was enjoying my shower so I could enjoy my coffee I thought about my blogging, not having any real me time, not doing anything for myself really anymore. Today I am a little lonely, feeling a little down, and realizing I can't allow these feelings to take over or I will just lose. And I hate losing lol. Lately since of weather my day has consisted of me just fading out in front of a television or playing a game. Some time I don't feel like such a great mom since my daughter usually doesn't watch much television but lately she has watched entirely too much. I do plan play dates 2-3 times a week so that we are being social and getting out of the house. But I want to do more. So today I am getting off my pity pedestal and am going to be a better mother(not saying I am a bad one, just today I feel like I suck). Sometimes life kicks you in the head and you feel discouraged. I am feeling that way a lot lately. With Mysterious m struggling with her bipolar, which is hard on me since she really isn't trying in therapy all she does is blame me, or repeat things she is told, we are all working on her to express her feelings in the right way and to own up to her lying, bad habits, laziness. It is a struggle but I am hopeful. She is starting a mentor program tomorrow where a lady will come into my home and take her out twice a week for two hours at a time. She will take her wherever she wants to go and teach her coping skills, better ways to talk to us, social skills and other things we talked about in therapy that I can't remember right now. I am positive in the long run this will work out. That is the only way I can be in this hard situation is hopeful. I am hopeful my husband will learn how to be more patience with Mysterious m and her bipolar, I am hopeful Mysterious m will be more positive and less dramatic. I am hopeful that I will get more strength each day to continue to help her.Now to the other children: Evil e is learning more like behind you, next to you and I am so proud of her. She has more conversations with me and she is a delight. She has recently started having a problem with wetting herself while napping or sleeping. She is completely potty trained and now wears pull ups. I am not sure why we went backwards but I am trying to help her. Walker is extremely fussy lately and barely naps during the day. Yesterday he slept twice in the car, I went to visit a family member and it was the most he has slept in days. Not sure why he is having a sleep problem during the day but am thankful it is not at night. The last time we weighed him he was 16.5 pounds. I will have to weigh him to see how much he has gained recently. He will be four months on 4/26. My little boy is growing so fast. It makes me sad to realize how fast my kids are growing. I am going to try to give myself a little me time a day to do things beside shower, drink coffee and read my book at night. I promise to write each morning during coffee time or atleast a few times a day. Please don't think I don't want want to be a mom or that I don't like my kids, I am trying to just find a balance. I have a brain that likes to continue to have knowledge. I used to read textbooks about different subjects when I was bored when I was 20. I think I might do that again, I'm weird but I like learning new things and not feeling like my brain is turning to mush. Ok well Evil e has woken up and coffee time is almost over so tomorrow my friends......