Tuesday, March 17, 2015

too many thoughts

As I lay in bed my head is full with thoughts, thoughts of tomorrow, thoughts of each day after till we meet again. My head was happy today due to mysterious getting accepted to the residential program that we applied for. After court tomorrow we take her and for a whole month we can't see her. They do that so the new levels can earn the next level. I know she needs the strict structure, I know I am doing the right thing, I know I have done all that I can and now it is up to her to use the tools we gave her in life to improve her behaviors and be a teenager a gain. My head keeps telling me all of this. As my heart is breaking in a million pieces and all I want to do is go in her room and watch her sleep like I did when she was a baby. As I write this tears flow down my cheeks.I know I am doing the right thing but it hurts.

I feel lost when she is gone like I am not whole unless she is with me all I have ever wanted is for my daughter to be happy. I know reactant happen till she gets the help she needs.residential will help her, I will have to continue to be strong. I have no other choice. I was reading this bloggers page where she had to leave an abusive relationship while d going so her son remained in with the guy until now, she has custody but my heart was breaking reading the poems and in d nights she had about her son and other kids from a previous relationship not being with her.and all I could think of was how I hope th o never feel that pain and that poor woman, I felt for her. It's not the same to say the least but mysterious could be gone for six months to a year.

I sleep poorly when she is gone in the hospital, I feel weird doing anything for myself when she is gone for those two weeks, how am I going to do this for 6months or a year? I'm angry at whatever monster took over my child, I want to hit and shake it. Tell why couldn't you leave my child alone. I miss my daughter who likes to chat with you about anything, I miss the child who like to play board games with me, do her nails, go shopping. One day the monster will be gone I tell myself, for now I will try so hard to not break. Can't break. I know she will be safe but it did still hard to let her go. I need time to fly so she can be with me again.

Writing will be my salvation, my out, my need so I don't breAk. I can do this, I need to do this as for my family.

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