Friday, January 31, 2014

What does mom mean?

Foreclosure: I am done holding back what I write. This is as honest and real as I come. No more holding back because of someone else's feelings.

Anyone can give birth to a child that doesn't make you a mom. That makes you an incubator. A mom is someone who wipes the tears away when your child has a boo boo. A mom is someone who pretends to be in a diner and you're child gives you play food to eat. A mom is someone who holds their child tight when they have a nightmare. A mom is someone who wants to pull her hair out because her child is screaming and mom is trying to clean. A mom is someone who teaches their child to take their first steps, first meal, first smile, first word, how to swim, how to be independent. A mom is not someone who gave birth to a child and who can float in and out of your life. A mom is not someone who can just show up when it is convenient to them in the child's life. A mom is not someone who puts their needs before the child. A mom should always put their child first. Just because you gave birth and have a child does not mean you are a good parent. A good parent is someone who is exhausted, happy, sad, plays with their kids. I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be but I am so tired of hearing women say they are a good mom but than the next word out of their mouth is selfish,selfish things. We all need me time and a break from kids. And some days are better than others. It is hard to juggle families, work, playtime, school time, cleaning, relationship time but we all do it. I am just so tired of hearing some women complain when all they did was give birth and their kids suffer from day to day because they won't give them the attention a child so deserves.

My mom didn't play with me when I was a child so that taught me to play more with my child. I know sometimes I want to just play computer games and be left alone but that is not the real world. (not saying I don't play computer games, I do but usually with a child on my lap and the other sitting next to me) I am not attaching moms or saying anyone is not perfect if you don't do what I say. That is not what I am saying at all. I am just tired of my mom in particular saying she was a good parent when she gave me up and has blamed me for everything that has ever happened to her. I have tried and tried to work things out and go to counseling with her but for some reason I am just the anti christ to her. I just don't understand how someone can have so much hate/despise for someone who grew in you. I am not saying I was a great kid,teenager or even adult. I have a TON of flaws. I have addictions, I swear way too much, I'm loud, I am mean when I want to be. But even with all of that I try every day to always put my children first and not to blame others for my problems/mistakes.

I don't expect her to be perfect. I hate perfect people. I just want to be loved and showed that I am the best thing that happened to her. I remember as a child how my family would get together and enjoy each other's company. Now they all talk behind my back and to my face how horrible of a person I am, how I suck as a mother. All because my mom told them something (which I have no idea what she said or I did supposedly). I miss them but I can't be around toxic people who don't see that I have changed and will continue to do so. So I swear when I am frustrated or mad. Whatever, I am Italian and it just comes out. I am trying to swear less but sometimes I get so mad that even the swear words coming out don't even do my anger justice. Walk a day in my shoes before judging me. Walk a day being me before you say I can do it better. I give every person the benefit of doubt until you prove me otherwise. I am not on this earth to make anyone happy but myself and my children and my hubby. I am done people pleasing.

Does this mean I no longer want her in my life. No. It means I can't be abused or accused or lied to anymore. Means I am tired of people looking at me like I have leprosy. I didn't do anything that horrible that I should be shunned. But because of all of this and because of the way I was treated by my family as a teenager and adult, I have seen how I want to my immediate family to be. It's a how not to be like them and I do the opposite of that. I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I do family things the way I wanted them to be for me. I am not saying my childhood always sucked. I do have fond memories but they are in few to the horrible nightmares I have. I am true to myself and I will continue to do that.

Very powering to say I am done pleasing people and here I come rawr.

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