I am also a recovering balemic have been eating better for 15 years. I no longer look at my body as fat, sure I have curves but I have learned to love them and food. I have learned that I am not ugly, fat, stupid or a loser. I didn't grow up in a good family. These were the things I heard on a regular basis from the men in my family. I will not point fingers since it does no good to me. I have forgave and moved on. I have accepted that some people are just nasty, judge mental and don't care of others. I teach my children the lessons I have learned.
I am also a rape survivor and child of sexual abuse and foster child. I have told stories to my oldest which have made us closer. She understands I am the way I am with her because I know how it feels to want to kill yourself, attempt suicide, feel worthless, unloved, except someone put those feelings their on me since they forced themselves on me and created a whole in my heart that put those ugly feelings there. Hers are from her being bipolar and having aspergers. Something that is not anyone's fault or hers. She understands that now and is trying, she does have her bad moments and days but knows that she can make a difference. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. No one hugged and told me it was ok, that it wasn't my fault.
Instead I was shamed, told I was a troubled child, my mom gave up her rights when I was 12 and I was put into foster homes and group homes until she took me back at 16. I don't want my daughter to end up like I did. I fought every demon all by myself with bad vices, then fought those bad vices by myself. It was so hard, lonely, I was afraid I was going to succeed on attempting suicide. I know my child will do better since I am in her corner. It is easier in life if we have someone to walk and help us through our difficult times. If I have a bad day, stressed out moment or low moment, I tell myself it is nothing like it was before. I can get through this moment and just keep swimming (something I tell myself and my daughter) since I have been through worse than these moments. I have survived boyfriends who beat me. I can survivor anything.
Because I am tough, my children will be tough as well. I will teach them the ways to make them strong, beautiful children. I have friends I have helped that have had the same problems, it feels good to help others. Sometimes people don't like to listen, and can do the opposite of what i say, but hey its their life and they will learn the lessons of life their way. It took me awhile to figure that out. So I can help teach my daughter but in the end she will learn from her own mistakes. I have patience. One day she will be in a good place. Until then I will be her cheerleader. I can help her get through anything.
