It's been awhile since I have written in this and a lot has happened. I am 30 weeks pregnant and so done. I am glad third trimester moves fast but i wish it would go by faster. I have heartburn, back hurts all the time, hard to sleep at times, wake up numerous times through the night to go pee. My pre-eclampsia has started showing a little bit. There was a trace of it in my urine the last ob appointment so we wait for two weeks till my next appointment and if there is a higher amount they will decide from there what to do. My maternal fetal medicine doctor has told me that he will take my son out as early as 34 weeks if preeclampsia shows since it can get complicated with the pregnancy. So we will see. My diabetes is sorta getting into trouble with lots of upping my insulin at night since my fastening numbers have been super high. Its hard being pregnant and diabetic you want to eat everything sweet. 9 more weeks to go and jelly bean will be here. No I still don't have a name its either walker or Niko. Hubby wants Niko, I want walker but we both like each name. So we are torn. So to be continued..... My Evil e will be 3 in February which I can't believe how fast time flies and how much she is growing, talking, learning, and will no longer by my little baby. Stupid hormones making me sad and want to cry while writing this. Then there is my little sweet pea Mysterious m. She has recently been put in inpatient at a hospital for children and adolescents who have behavioral issues. She had a plan to kill herself and I had to act on it or I would never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.This past year has been a hard year for her and all of us. She has been more moody, aggressive, homicidal and suicidal. But a lot of these instances alone makes you think its a typical 12 year old trying to figure out who they are and nothing to worry about but in the big picture with all of it together you realize there is a mood disorder here. Which is where her doctors and I are at this moment. So far they think its bipolar and that makes sense to me. So we are running different test to make sure its nothing else and nothing medical. She has been really aggressive to her younger sister and a few times to myself. She has homicidal tendencies to myself and my husband a lot for the last six months. I just thought it was anger. I blame myself a lot for what is going on with her. I know its not my fault. But I knew that something like this would eventually happen since i have family members that have mental health problems. I shouldn't say I knew I should say I always worried that it would happen. I just want her happy and healthy. It is hard for me to not have her here with me, to see what she is going through and to not be able to make it go away. I know none of its my fault or hers or any ones. But as her mom i will blame myself time to time since that is what moms do. I did the best thing and put her where she is getting great care and counseling, medication and the testing that she needs. I see her twice a week for visiting hours and once a week for family counseling plus she talks to me 10 minutes every day but that doesn't take the whole in my heart away. It is hard but it would have been harder if i didn't do anything. But I still miss my baby. I can't wait for the day I can take her home and smother her with kisses till she screams. I just get sad because it is November and there is so much going on this month with my baby shower, birthday party for a cousin, thanksgiving, school stuff and for some of it she won't be out to see it. She was admitted Monday and it has only been a few days but so far they are talking a few weeks up to six maybe longer. I am hoping it will be on the shorter end. But I don't want her to come home to early and not get the care she needs. Plus being the weekend today is super hard on me. Because weekends are family time and we spend every moment with each other. We are a close family and being apart sucks. My natural instinct when I am sad is to eat crappy junk food and sweets. Being diabetic I can't do that. That sucks. So tonight we went grocery shopping and i overindulged in buying sweets that I will slowly eat instead of the binge eating i would love to do. I am going to try to occupy my mind this weekend it is just hard when i am sad. Plus during the week I am talking to her doctors, her school counselor, therapist for hours every day that I can't do anything for awhile which keeps me inside and makes me lonely. Its a tough time right now and I am so grateful for all of my friends and family who have shown love and support. I am trying to read, write or paint during the day to take my mind off of things for a few hours. My body is showing the stress by having a rough night sleep, stomach issues and feeling dehydrated but i take care of myself and that is all that i can do. Right now I am trying to remember just breathe. Just keep swimming is what comes to my mind and has always helped me when I come into rough spots in life. I love that movie. 80's music helps too especially foot loose makes me want to dance and the upbeat music helps uplift me. I needed to get this all of my chest and I promise to write more than a few months or weeks at a time. Dale got his wisdom tooth pulled out today and his mouth is hurting him so I have to finish writing so that i can give him some tlc and eat a late dinner.
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