Warning its dark

I keep having the song “I can’t change” by mackelmore in my head. And it is starting to feel like my theme song lately.  I am lonely and have so much on my plate that I am ready to burst. I have no support system. Yes I have a loving husband, yes I have a loving family. But I am a hard nut to crack and this nut is cracking. It is hard for me to open up to them and tell them what is going on. I have told my husband and he just pushes it aside. I am going to break soon! I want to scream and shout “Why won’t you see world that if no one holds me and tells me that it will be ok and give me the support I will break!” I don’t mean cry and have a break down in front of you. I mean end it all. My worst fear of it all. I am the glue to this family to everyone and right now the glue is unsticking. The glue is cracking, peeling and melting.

 Won’t someone help this glue before it can never stick again?! I am not saying suicide is the answer or that a break down is. I am saying I am lonely, tired, stressed, need a break  and need someone there for me. Please help this glue so that I don’t break.  I miss my mom right now more than ever. But until she notices that she needs help for her schizophrenia I can’t be around her. I have so many issues that I have overcome that it would truly suck if all of this was my end. I just want my mom or a mom. I have my mother in law, but I feel ashamed to tell her what is going on. I come from a dysfunctional family and she is normal. Whatever that is. But she is not dysfunctional neither is my husband, so they don’t understand the demons I slay inside on a daily basis so that I can overcome the demons for my child. I do so much for my children and my family but sometimes it all catches up to me and my demons strangle me until I have no more breath inside and I just want to scream! 

Writing this out feels better. As I started to have kids I forgot to write and now I am left with this shell that will crack easier than it did before. I used to write poems, stories, anything to let all the demons out. I would paint, sing, because I am talented in those areas. I once had a poem posted all over the school paper and in the school because my teacher was so proud of my poem. That person took a back seat to herself while this shell took over to raise kids. I need to find that demon slayer again so that I can survive all this. I have been alone my whole life. A lone wolf that has been through a lot and has overcome everything all by myself. I am use to being alone. 

Sometimes I prefer it over the drama of people. I need her back. I am trying to find her more and more before all of this drowns me. This was very hard to write since i had to be very open and expose myself. But I had to do it. I had to bare all. I make excuses to ignore myself and the things i need like writing, painting and just being by myself. I have to take myself back before its too late. Thank you mackelmore for giving me my theme song through this dark moment.