When it rains it pours

Lately I have been MIA with friends and doing play dates. It isn't because i don't want to see them. It is solely because of all of the stress from bills and money issues. I have still had a coffee all day in house friend session with my bestie on Monday's. If not for her I would not have any adult interaction except for my hubby and brother. I haven't left the house in three weeks except for grocery shopping or family get togethers like birthdays, baby showers and wedding showers. I try to leave to go on an outing outside of home or a play date but I don't want to spend any money in fear of all of the money issues since I am the one who pays the bills and sees everything. I hate knowing sometimes. Just as I was finding solutions to things I get hit with another problem. I had a dentist appointment today for a tooth I cracked a year ago. I never got it fixed since i didn't have insurance. So I found out that my periodontal disease isn't resolved and i need a deep scaling again on both sides plus I have 8 cavities plus a wisdom tooth that is having issues so it will be pulled out plus the cracked tooth needs a root canal. This was not what I was expecting. So now I have to cover all of this after the insurance or I will lose teeth. I really need a break from bad stuff and money issues. Or I need to win the lottery. I pick option b lol. OK since that won't happen I am trying to find ways to make my money problems easier. I have often thought and discussed about me going back to work but we agreed it can't happen since I will be paying for a sitter. I apply all the time for babysitting/nannying jobs but when they see that my 19month old is with me they don't want to hire  me because they don't think I can focus on their kid and mine. I do go online every day and do surveys that pay me money but its not a lot. I am not complaining because every little bit counts. I try to stay positive and find ways to make everything work but things start to pile up and the stress gets to me. So I stay in the house so i don't spend any money and I am going crazy in this house. I miss my friends. I also decided on finding play groups in my town since the moms group I was in was at my old address that I lived a year ago and most events are not always close for me. I don't mind driving distances to see people but sometimes it just gets hard with Evil E's nap time. I really need adult conversation. I get depressed and lonely sometimes but I am trying. I am grateful for the friends I do have and the family I have.

sometimes you win

Today I had a good day. I am very proud of myself for saving over 70 dollars on groceries. Normally we spend around 250 each week on groceries. Which for me is insane. I hate spending that much money. I coupon clip every week either by newspaper or online. I have read other blogs and bought on sales but nothing worked until I got smart and figured it out for myself. What worked for me was to make an inventory of all of the things that we have in the house food wise. Then I sat down and made a menu from that inventory. I made a menu for two weeks. The next step was to add on the grocery list only the items I needed from the menu after using things from the inventory. The result a grocery bill of 180. I plan on making that a lower bill next week. I also have looked up recipes so that we are not having the same things over and over again. There is also a leftover sheet on my wall, so when we have leftovers we write down what the item is and what date we put it in the fridge. I did this because my hubby was constantly asking how old is this? Sometimes I would remember but I decided this was a better way. When we eat a leftover it is crossed off. Also every Thursday we have a leftover night where we eat what leftovers we want and Friday we throw away the whatever is a week old. This way food is not wasted and we aren't making science experiments. My wall by my dishwasher looks like a paper wall lol. There is a grocery list, leftover list, inventory list and list of rules for my oldest. Plus we have two whiteboards. One is for the reading competition my oldest and I are having. The other is a list of daily chores and punishments for the oldest, plus dates of when I last did the household chores(see because of my multiple sclerosis, I sometimes forgot when I do things, so this helps me having reminders). Also we use it to put up list of things we want to do like clean the garage, mail letters, stuff like that. I know I am a bit of an organizer freak, but I like being structured it helps me. Another good thing that happened today was my oldest came home from school and started on her homework without anyone asking. She finished it in an hour and gave it to me to check it. Then she went upstairs and started on her chores with out me asking. I was so happy for her behavior that I went upstairs and told her how proud I was. She said she just felt like being good. It was a good night with no arguing by her and a good visit with my dad(which we do on Wednesdays). Also got to try out this frozen yogurt place by my house called yumz. It was so yummy. You walk in and get a container and fill it with whatever flavor yogurt you like then add toppings then weigh then pay. It was fun. A good ending to a good day. I am so proud of myself today and I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. I also decided today that on a daily basis or at least a few times a week I will put makeup on and do my hair to feel pretty and boost my self esteem. You see I normally don't wear makeup anymore well I do but only eyeliner and eyebrow pencil unless I go out to see friends. And I usually throw my hair up in a bun or ponytail when I am home. I am starting to feel homely and have low self esteem. So besides the feeling pretty part I will also start to walk every day at night with my hubby and kids so I am not stuck in the house and so that I can stay toned up. I decided to not feel so bored but to do something about it. Also during nap time I will read and paint and not just stay glued to the laptop. Today I feel motivated.

When you feel like your not good enough

I am having a real bad day today. I haven't left the house in over a week except for errands. I do go outside to either the park or my back yard but that's about it.I am having a hard time with my oldest and it is making me feel like I am a failure as a parent and a woman. I punish her to the point that everything is taken away. She doesn't care. On a regular basis she doesn't bring her homework home and she gets punished but she doesn't care. I have emailed teachers and followed up like a hawk on assignments but I just don't know what to do. I know a lot of this is her age and pushing boundaries but its just hard on me. I lock myself in the house punishing myself thinking I did something wrong for her to be this way. I really feel alone. I do the best as I can as a parent. Being a parent is never easy. I just don't know what to do. Am I a bad mom? I stopped talking to my family because too many of my aunts and uncles were saying things like I wasn't a good mom or deserved to have kids. Is this true? Were they just saying the truth and I was getting offended because I didn't want to know the truth at the time. I am hitting a low point right now and am scared to be this vulnerable on this blog but the same time I need to get it all out. I have so many emotions bottling up and I feel like I will explode. I feel so alone and feel like I suck as a person. Will I mess my other children up as well? I am trying to get out of this funk but I have felt strange for over a week. I haven't been sleeping well, I am really stressed, I am bored and lonely. I decided today I would find time to do arts and crafts with the kids but most of all I would find time for me to go to my room and paint. I just feel like I need a hobby or a creative outlet to get all of this stress out. I really need a friend right now and a big hug. Maybe I will make cupcakes or something chocolate to make me feel better. Sometime last week when I was having a bad day with my oldest, my hubby gave me this.

I know my hubby is here for me and I appreciate it. I really do. It's just hard after being a single mom for so long to realize you are not alone and you have someone there to help hold the burden of the house, help with the kids, the bills, everything.

Doing charitable things can be good for the soul

My husband has recently called me the free-cycle queen. I love to check my email and see what others are offering and what thing I can get for the kids. For those of you who don't know what free-cycle is it is a website where you can recycle the things you were already getting rid of and give it to people who need or want those items. There are towns in every state that have one. I don't always take things, I do offer as well. I offered 18 items yesterday and all day today people have been picking them up. This way I don't have to throw away things I don't want. I think whoever came up with this site was a genius! But I have encountered that some people can be a little greedy and think that because they have problems and you are giving things away that you should give away everything you have to them because there in need. I had multiple email conversations with a woman who has two children 5 and 10 months. She is on wic, food stamps and unemployed. She was wondering why I wouldn't with all of my youngest clothes and toys. I told her the things she wasn't using I was keeping in case the next child we have is a girl. I understand her predicament because I was a single mom for years. I was on wic, unemployment and food stamps. But I would never act as if it was someoneelses problem or fault that i was in that predicament. I did what I had to do for my kids and myself. That is what you have to do. I am not saying that you shouldn't get help- if you can get it, you should get it. I just think you shouldn't expect anyone to help you. There are churches, mom organization's that help women in trouble with food or clothing. There are also donation places like Amway. You can get help. I am helping her out with the things I can give. I just feel a little hurt and used when someone is yelling at me when I am helping them. I didn't do this to you but I will help you. So please be nice to me. That's all I ask. I believe we need a little more generosity and kindness in this world. On another note Miss Evil Ewalks around shaking her head and saying no a lot. I have to love almost two year olds. I also am loving the last day of summer but still feel like ick with my allergies/sinus/cold thing I have going on.

Some thoughts

I love this fall weather.I love when it is not too hot and not cold. In the 70s is perfect weather for me. All of the windows are open and the breeze in here is awesome. I feel accomplished today since I have the house cleaned. I have to clean the house when my hubby comes home instead of trying to do it when Evil E is sleeping since her wake up time differs day to day. She always gets 12  hours of sleep which the doc says is good. We went to the doctor on Tuesday and she is in the 95 percentile for her height but her weight is 33 percent. They say she is slim although the kid can eat a lot. But since she is tall and very active she burns all the weight off. My oldest was the same way as a baby and still is. She got three shots and we need to go back next month for three more than she is caught up till she is 2. In two weeks I take Mysterious M to the doctor for her shots and six grade physical. Then its time for me to go to doctor. Fun Fun not. I need to check on why I can't get pregnant after a year of trying and to check on my multiple sclerosis and the way it is progressing. I can definitely feel the change in weather, I have a sinus headache and can feel my sinuses dripping. Evil e has a cold for a few days. Very minor could be reaction to shots or a cold starting. Her eating habits though are sometimes she is interested sometimes not. I usually let her snack if she didn't eat all her breakfast or lunch. She eats better for hubby then me. I have been thinking a lot lately about what I can do to change the world. I know it sounds strange or a very large thought but I want to change the world and be remembered. I do recycle and help others but I want to do something for the history books. Just not sure what. I am open to suggestions. I am also looking for babysitting/nanny work to keep me occupied, give Evil e a playmate and some extra money but so far no luck except for the occasional friend babysitting. I am thinking of starting some arts and crafts for Evil e and I to do during the day. I am also thinking of studying a textbook for fun to keep me occupied during the week. I still am going to go back to school but I am one of those rare weird people who need to keep giving themselves knowledge so I don't get bored with life. I know strange. I am proud of myself this week I have made an active step in fixing a problem in my marriage the bedroom part. It is on my part I have the issue (not sure if I will get in detail on here), it comes from issues from my past. But we are making hedge way. So I am proud of myself. Thinking today is a walk kind of day. I want to go for a walk each day with Evil e so I can lose the few pounds I gained by being a chocoholic.

The silent enemie

Last night I was feeling really dizzy and nauseous. It wouldn't go away no matter what I tried. Also it hurt bad to swallow. Then I became incoherent and couldn't move my legs. My husband took me to the emergency room. They ran my blood and put an iv in me. My potassium and calcium was low. But more important than that my multiple sclerosis is progressing worse. Because Multiple sclerosis is a silent disease where you can't see every little thing it does to me people don't understand when you are walking with a cane, slur your words, forget what things are called, why sometimes you can get very emotional for no reason, trip over yourself, be so tired it hurts and in so much pain in your body you just want to evacuate your body. I get frustrated that no one close to me but my father and brother have done the research to see how my disease affects me on a daily basis. I was diagnosed in 2003 when i had a mini stroke. They did all the tests MRI, cat scan and two spinal taps. I had a neurologist and was on medication for awhile but it conflicted with being a mom so I stopped taking it and the doctor wasn't listening to me so I stopped going to her. I am in the process of finding a new neurologist and doctor since I have insurance from my husband and not public aid anymore. I just feel alone sometimes with this disease. I know there is a lot of people who have the same disease and I am a member of the Multiple Sclerosis Society but it is hard being in my circle of friends and family being the only one with this disease and no one really understanding it. I just wish that someone would understand all of the pain and uncomfort I go through every day. Sometimes I wake up and am so tired it hurts to be awake. It is hard to have a disease like this and have kids. I do the best I can and I keep going and I usually have my head held high and don't let this disease affect my well being but it is hard. Really hard to not let it affect me. I just wish I could make it go away. I know what doesn't kill me will make me stronger but this will actually kill me. All I can do is just keep swimming (thanks dori for the inspiration, love finding nemo). Below is some information about multiple sclerosis.  Ssymptoms of MS are:Tingling, Numbness, Loss of balance, Weakness in one or more limbs, and Blurred or double vision. 

As the disease progresses, other symptoms may include muscle spasms, sensitivity to heat, fatigue, changes in thinking or perception, and sexual disturbances.

• Fatigue . This is a characteristic and common symptom of MS. It is typically present in the mid afternoon and may consist of increased muscle weakness, mental fatigue, sleepiness, or drowsiness. Physical exhaustion is not related to the amount of work performed; and many patients with MS complain of extreme fatigue even after a good night's sleep.  
• Heat sensitivity . Heat sensitivity (the appearance or worsening of symptoms when exposed to heat, like a hot shower) occurs in most people with MS.
• Spasticity . Muscle spasms are a common and often debilitating symptom of MS. Spasticity usually affects the muscles of the legs and arms, and may interfere with a persons ability to move those muscles freely.
• Dizziness. Many people with MS complain of feeling "off balance" or lightheaded. Occasionally they may experience the feeling that they or their surroundings are spinning; this is called vertigo. These symptoms are caused by damage in the complex nerve pathways that coordinate vision and other inputs into the brain that are needed to maintain balance.
• Impaired thinking . Problems with thinking occur in about half of people with MS. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. Approximately 10% of people with the disease have severe impairment that significantly impairs their ability to carry out tasks of daily living.
• Vision problems . Vision problems are relatively common in people with MS. In fact, one vision problem, optic neuritis, occurs in 55% of people with the condition.This can result in blurring or graying of vision or blindness in one eye.  However ,most vision problems in MS do not lead to blindness.
• Abnormal sensations. Many people with MS experience abnormal sensations such as "pins and needles," numbness, itching, burning, stabbing, or tearing pains. Fortunately, most of these symptoms, while aggravating, are not life-threatening or debilitating and can be managed or treated.
• Speech and swallowing problems . People with MS often have swallowing difficulties. In many cases, they are associated with speech problems as well. They are caused by damaged nerves that normally aid in performing these tasks.
• Tremors . Fairly common in people with MS, tremors can be debilitating and difficult to treat.
• Difficulty walking. Gait disturbances are amongst the most common symptoms of MS. Mostly this problem is related to muscle weakness and/or spasticity, but having balance problems or numbness in your feet can also make walking difficult.

What Are the Types of Symptoms?

It is helpful to divide the symptoms into three categories: primary, secondary, and tertiary.

Primary symptoms are a direct result of the demyelination process. This impairs the transmission of electrical signals to muscles (to allow them to move appropriately) and the organs of the body (allowing them to perform normal functions.) The symptoms include: weakness, tremors, tingling, numbness, loss of balance, vision impairment, paralysis, and bladder or bowel problems. Medication, rehabilitation, and other treatments can help keep many of these symptoms under control.

Secondary symptoms result from primary symptoms. For example, paralysis (a primary symptom) can lead to bedsores (pressure sores) and bladder or urinary incontinence problems can cause frequent, recurring urinary tract infections. These symptoms can be treated, but the ideal goal is to avoid them by treating the primary symptoms.

Tertiary symptoms are the social, psychological, and vocational complications associated with the primary and secondary symptoms. Depression, for example, is a common problem among people with MS.

What Causes the Symptoms?

Demyelination, or deterioration of the protective sheath that surrounds nerve fibers, can occur in any part of the brain or spinal cord. The symptoms that people with MS experience depend on the affected area. Demyelination in the nerves that send messages to the muscles causes problems with movement (motor symptoms), while demyelination along the nerves that carry sensory messages to the brain causes disturbances in sensation.

Are Symptoms the Same in Every Person?

Multiple sclerosis follows a varied and unpredictable course. In many people, the disease starts with a single symptom, followed by months or even years without any progression of symptoms. In others, the symptoms become worse within weeks or months.

There are four courses that MS takes:

• Relapsing-remitting MS: characterized by unpredictable acute attacks, called "exacerbations," with worsening of symptoms followed by full, partial, or no recovery of some function. These attacks appear to evolve over several days to weeks. Recovery from an attack takes weeks sometimes months. The disease does not worsen in the periods between the attacks. This pattern usually occurs early in the course of MS in most people.
• Primary-progressive MS: characterized by a gradual but steady progression of disability, without any obvious relapses and remissions. This form of disease occurs in just 15% of all people with MS, but it is the most common type of MS in people who develop the disease after the age of 40.
• Secondary-progressive MS: initially begins with a relapsing-remitting course, but later evolves into progressive disease. The progressive part of the disease may begin shortly after the onset of MS, or it may occur years or decades later.
• Progressive-relapsing MS: This is the least common form of the disease and is characterized by a steady progression in disability with acute attacks that may or may not be followed by some recovery. People with progressive relapsing MS initially appear to have primary progressive MS.

What Is a True Exacerbation (Relapse) of Multiple Sclerosis?

A true exacerbation of multiple sclerosis is caused by an area of inflammation (swelling) in the nerves of the brain and spinal cord system followed by something called demyelination, which is the destruction of myelin. The myelin is the fatty sheath that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers.

Demyelination results in the formation of an abnormal area called a plaque within the brain and/or spinal cord. A plaque causes the nerve impulses to be slowed, distorted, or halted, producing the symptoms of MS. One example of an exacerbation of MS would be the development of optic neuritis, an inflammation of the optic nerve (which is in the back of the eye) that impairs vision.

An exacerbation of MS may be mild and not cause a noticeable impairment in functioning or may significantly interfere with a person's daily life. Exacerbations usually last from several days to several weeks, although they may extend into months.

Exacerbations or relapses of MS are often treated with medications calledcorticosteroids. These drugs reduce inflammation. It is generally accepted that taking corticosteroids for a short amount of time will shorten an exacerbation and/or reduce the severity.