Can't catch up

Lately I feel like I can't catch up with where I want to be. My days consist of cleaning, kids, work, laundry, cooking, preparing baby food, stuffing cloth diapers, fighting with middle child to listen, fighting with oldest to try and to care. I haven't had time to take a little me time by either watching tv shows or playing my video games.  My husband and I barely have sex twice a month if were lucky since the baby came. I haven't left the house unless its a weekend. (My middle child has been in a mood where she just wants to stay home.) I just feel like all I do is domestic shit and this mama needs a break. I want ti play my video game. I want to go somewhere fun with kids. I hate being locked in like Rapunzel. My hair isn't that long. I am super concerned my oldest will be in residential inpatient if she doesn't start trying. She plots my death on a daily basis. She wants to kick her baby brother. I don't understand why she doesn't see what we do for her. Especially me! It hurts to see someone not try and not care wondering if  she will kill herself. I hear constantly my life sucks, your a horrible mom. I think lately that's why I don't fight so hard to leave the house. I have no desire to leave. I feel like a monster. I know she is just angry and its not my fault but it still gets to you. Thankfully I leave twice a week for work for a few hours. That helps. My husband helps but sometimes he just fights with her and It makes it all worse. I just need it all to get easier. I don't know I how I can make it any better than I am trying to do. But everyone has to work with me or I will just drown from all of this. I am a strong person and very patient. But I have had my fill lately with all the arguing, negative comments, negative thoughts and not trying. My middle child is picking up some of these behaviors. I sometimes honestly just want to lock myself in a room and just veg with the tv. Obviously with kids since I would never leave them. I just need a break badly. I need a break from the constant chaos. She is so out of control lately that everyone has seen it. Usually she won't fight or be this way in front of others but lately its in front of everyone and anyone. I feel like I should hide all of us away from the view of others when she is like this. I constantly give her pep talks and let her know that i am here for her. We will see if it changes soon or we will have to put her back in. I just don't want to do that. I know that if she is not trying now that she might not try in inpatient or when she comes back out.

Dr.Voodoo

My oldest during a therapy session on Monday told her therapist and myself that we were evil. She has a tendency to blame us for things that go bad. I won't go in depth on what happened in therapy for her privacy. But I will tell about Dr.Voodoo. She told us that I put evil thoughts in her mind. So to make light of it to ease the tension and make her smile I said if I am  so good at being evil I should be a super villain. And she said Dr voodoo . The therapist laughed and asked my oldest if she was a villain too. Mysterious m said yes. So we said we will make capes and dress like villains in therapy since we are so evil. She laughed and it made her realize it isn't our fault or hers but that sometimes her  bipolar makes her moody and gives her bad thoughts. Dr voodoo saved the day. It pays to be a bad villain to make your child smile. So in the car yesterday, she was talking about Dr. Voodoo and I asked her if she would like Dr. Voodoo to write her letters when she is in a bad mood. She was so excited and said "Yes!!!". So Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance to make her happy when she is having a hard day. I am going to Comic Con on this Saturday and she asked if I could dress up as Dr. Voodoo. I said of course! So in the little time I have from now till then I need a cape (which she wants to be red, and we-my husband and I, decided on a voodoo doll as the image on my cape and on a shirt), I was going to wear my black leggings to be like tights that they wore, black boots, a belt, a red mask and a leotard. Well, I am not sure where to get a leotard, I need to put the image or have it made on a shirt to go over my leotard, need a cape, need a top hat (since that is typically what voodoo priests and priestess wear), any ideas on how to do this would be great. My husband said I am crazy for trying to make this or have it done by Saturday but it is what she wanted and I will do anything for my kids. I do wish that I had more time, but thats ok I like challenges lol. So hopefully Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance this Saturday. I wish I could bring her with me but because of the Aspergers and her social anxiety she is not ready for a crowd that size yet. Soon she will be. She will be starting social groups to help her with that very soon.

my guest post

go check me out at http://thecrumbdiaries-curveballs.blogspot.com/2013/08/summer-guest-post-5-by-heather-of.html. I poured my heart out about the situation that is home here.

Through sickness and health

Over the past weekend I was sick with a stomach virus. My stomach hurt so bad that I was willing to make any deal with the universe to feel better. I would of rather been in labor with another baby that's how bad I felt. Through out the whole weekend while I was feeling icky my husband took over and helped with kids and nurses me. (He usually helps a ton) but this was different. I laid on the couch and played simcity while my stomach cramped. It was nice to relax. I still helped feed the baby. But I'm glad for my hubby. When asked if she would help me my oldest refused and said why should I help mom with her chores I just want to be lazy. Got to love teenagers.  Now she's sick and she wants mommy to baby her. Even though she was mean to me all weekend and I was a little mean back since my feelings were hurt I still take care of sick kids even if that means baby them. That's just the type of mom I am. I hope the two little ones don't get this. My little evil e had a stomach virus so bad a few months back that she had to be hospitalized. It was scary. She couldn't keep anything down. She was constantly sick, very dehydrated. Looked like a skeleton. I was worried. She even lost weight. After two days in the hospital with meds and an I.v she was better. My heart goes out to the moms and dads who have kids with cancer and terminal illnesses. She was just sick with a bug and I was scared. I can't imagine how it is for the parents with a really sick child. Hopefully she won't get it and I really hope the baby won't either.