Keeping them Safe

Since Monday my little Evilicous E who is 3 has been keeping her door open, staying up late in her room and jumping into my bed/room in the early a.m.. We found out on Wednesday that she does this since her sister Mysterious decided to be mean and tell her that someone would come, break in, take her away and she would never see her  mommy. How mean is that?! Sometimes she gets annoyed with her sister, but this time she really scared her. The poor kid was freaking out. Every noise she heard during the day she would say the people are coming to break in. I kept reassuring her that no one was coming in. We have a guard dog plus mommy has things to use on someone if they were to come into the house to protect us.

She kept insisting every day that someone was coming to break in even though I explained everything to her. So we came up with a safety plan, told her if someone did break in, I would put both kids in my bathroom and she should lock my bathroom door. We practiced her dialing 911 (not actually dialing the number or we would have had police here) telling us what she would say to the police on the phone. Practicing our names, her name, what was happening. Then we went from that to stranger danger which we have prepared her for the last month. You know the don't go to anyone who has candy, puppies, lies about mommy telling them to pick her up. Always holding my hand, never letting go or running away from me in public. I prepared my oldest the same way. My mom never did and my brother would hug and walk off with anyone. I remember when I was 7 we were at the roller skating rink and my mom was panicking since no one could find him. Everyone in the rink was looking. They found him about 20 minutes later 2 blocks away with a stranger he walked with from the rink. He just went up to her, took her hand and left. Thankfully that person was not dangerous and brought him back. She was an older lady and didn't think much of it. But come on I know it was the 80s but that shit was scary.

I know when I was a kid if something bad happened to you, like if you were walking home from school and someone was following you and you needed to go to a safe place there were houses that had stars on them telling you that was a safe house, where you could call the police and not be harmed. Now you don't know who is safe or not. Sad we have to prepare our children for the worse, but I would rather prepare them instead of something happening if I didn't prepare them. Hopefully nothing will ever happen to my babies but I will do what I can to protect them.

Things that annoy me lately.

Here are the things that have annoyed me lately. Not sure if its because I tired, working a lot or just bitchy but here are the things that annoy me badly. Warning there is cussing and slight bitchiness on some parts.

1. Being so cold because it is 30 degrees with a high of 44 and I am freezing balls. And because of being so cold it leaves me with no motivation to get out of bed.
2. People who brag about their kids all the time! There is nothing wrong with someone saying their kid(s) are great and the things they do or accomplish is great but all the fucking time, please get a life if all you do is talk about your kids. No-one cares that they poop and they are 6. (I warned I might be a little bitchy ;) )
3. Kids not listening when you call their name and you know they can hear you, because they are staring at you but actively ignoring you, but its ok to say mom 150 times a day.
4. Drivers that are in such a hurry they are speeding and up your ass only for them to go in and out of lanes to get two cars in front of you. Thanks for scaring me and my kids jackhole.
5. Drivers that are so slow that it takes 5 hours to get 10 minutes down the road with kids who are crying and have to pee.
6. Selfish people who just want to whine, complain about everything and have everyone do everything for them. 
7. My downstairs is so cold I drape in a blanket to be warm, but my bedroom is so hot that I sweat bullets and have to have the window air on to maintain balance.
8. Daniel Tiger- I love his concepts, since my preschooler has and is picking up his wonderful concepts but his songs stick in my head and I am singing them to my 13 year old and she is laughing at me.
9. Not having enough chocolate in my house. I buy a ton but I also eat a ton. And yes I am diabetic but I will not cut out chocolate or people will die and I will be on the six o'clock news randomly bumping people off. :)
10. My dogs when they bark at nothing and wake up children.
11. Being so tired and having sex only 2-3 times a month if I am lucky. Trying to get some 2-3 times a week, will keep you posted when that happens. (Maybe I will be less bitchy ;) )
12. Reading the same article five million times from a million different views on the internet. Sometimes Facebook annoys me but I need my social time since I rarely see other people or talk to other people.
13. Scrambled eggs or cheerios from kids sticking to my socks and being traveled all over the house

Thought there would be more ;)

Feeling left out

Lately i have felt like the kid who doesn't get picked in gym class for dodge ball. I have had acquaintances block me on face book, unfriend me and just stop talking to me without reason. People I use to hang out with stopped all together and I don't always have someone to talk too. I do have friends I can talk to through face book messenger. But that is my general socialization. Yesterday I went to the park after I picked up Evil E from preschool, it is our new tradition to go to the park after, and I talked to two different moms that i have never met before and they were in the same boat as me. It is hard sometimes for me to make play date plans since Texas is still on 2/3 naps a day. That can make things tricky. Plus I need to make time for cleaning and to work.

One of my new mom "friends" that I met yesterday asked if we could meet her again on Thursday after preschool. So yay I have a scheduled park date! My husband teased me. But I don't have friends I talk to every day, I understand we all get busy, I don't expect anyone to drop everything and hang out with me as I clean my house. I learned to manage that sometimes the only socialization I will get will be face book, texts, or the random person talking to me at the park, library, store or mall.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old friends or my feelings aren't a tiny bit hurt when someone blocks or deletes me from face book. I do have feelings too. I may be rough around the edges and a bitch. But I still have feelings and sometimes like people. :) I do love the time I spend with my kids. Although sometimes I wish I could drink wine in a sippy cup when they are really bad. Especially now that Texas crawls and is trying to walk and stand. He is a trouble maker and into everything!

I will fight for you

I fight every day with and for my daughter, Mysterious to make a change and overcome her demons. I do this because I am her mom but not only because of that but because I am a survivor. I have been through so much in my 33 years and have held my head up each time even when life was kicking me in the teeth. I am a recovering alcoholic, have been sober for 9 years. I do still occasionally drink but it's a fruity drink, which I drink for the flavor and not to get drunk, escape my life, also after one I am sleepy, so I can't drink more than one. I am also a recovering heroin addict and have been clean for  14 years. I used to crave tootsie rolls when I wanted heroin but now I don't even do that anymore.

I am also a recovering balemic have been eating better for 15 years. I no longer look at my body as fat, sure I have curves but I have learned to love them and food. I have learned that I am not ugly, fat, stupid or a loser. I didn't grow up in a good family. These were the things I heard on a regular basis from the men in my family. I will not point fingers since it does no good to me. I have forgave and moved on. I have accepted that some people are just nasty, judge mental and don't care of others. I teach my children the lessons I have learned. 

I am also a rape survivor and child of sexual abuse and foster child. I have told stories to my oldest which have made us closer. She understands I am the way I am with her because I know how it feels to want to kill yourself, attempt suicide, feel worthless, unloved, except someone put those feelings their on me since they forced themselves on me and created a whole in my heart that put those ugly feelings there. Hers are from her being bipolar and having aspergers. Something that is not anyone's fault or hers. She understands that now and is trying, she does have her bad moments and days but knows that she can make a difference. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. No one hugged and told me it was ok, that it wasn't my fault. 

Instead I was shamed, told I was a troubled child, my mom gave up her rights when I was 12 and I was put into foster homes and group homes until she took me back at 16. I don't want my daughter to end up like I did. I fought every demon all by myself with bad vices, then fought those bad vices by myself. It was so hard, lonely, I was afraid I was going to succeed on attempting suicide. I know my child will do better since I am in her corner. It is easier in life if we have someone to walk and help us through our difficult times. If I have a bad day, stressed out moment or low moment, I tell myself it is nothing like it was before. I can get through this moment and just keep swimming (something I tell myself and my daughter) since I have been through worse than these moments. I have survived boyfriends who beat me. I can survivor anything. 

Because I am tough, my children will be tough as well. I will teach them the ways to make them strong, beautiful children. I have friends I have helped that have had the same problems, it feels good to help others. Sometimes people don't like to listen, and can do the opposite of what i say, but hey its their life and they will learn the lessons of life their way. It took me awhile to figure that out. So I can help teach my daughter but in the end she will learn from her own mistakes. I have patience. One day she will be in a good place. Until then I will be her cheerleader. I can help her get through anything.