Lots of changes

I haven't written in months. I haven't posted in awhile. Been super busy with work, kids and household chores.

Here are some changes going on : hubby has two job offers in Florida and really likes one. So we are moving to Florida. Don't know the date just yet. Lots of variables I won't bore you with. Hubby is done with working in the cold winter weather outside each year. I don't blame him. It will be nice with no snow. My feelings on this is I'm excited for the new adventure but nervous of the change. I am nervous about not having any friends or family there. My hubby has a few cousins there and I do have one friend there but all are not close. I have lived in different states before but not for long. I have lived here in Illinois along time. Not that have a ton of time to hang out during the week since I'm working. Which is nice most of the time.

Mysterious has been having a super hard time for the last few months OK few years. Teenage years have been hard with her. She is feeling the awkwardness of the aspergers when it comes to social outcomes and the mood swings added from her hormones on to her bipolar.  The kid has it hard. But the last few months have been extreme talking back,  mouthing off,  swearing,  aggressiveness,  being violent and destroying our property. Its bad. We work with her therapist and psychologist and switch up punishments. Nothing has worked. We have given incentive. Nothing. She has flat out told us she wants no rules or to be told what to do. That is so not happening. That would be like lord of the fly's. Um no. This week she has tried a little more. Had a great therapy session and participated. Woot woot !!
I am proud of her. I just want her to not blame others an be happy. I just want her to see and know she can change. She is capable of it. I hope she keeps at it.

Texas is super smart. He has been telling me in baby language when he wants me to get up so he can show me what he wants from the fridge to eat. He will then go to  his chair to eat. He loves to wash his hands. He loves to play with his sisters and dance. He is getting so big. He plays games with me. He is super strong. He is full of personality. I love seeing him playing with Evilcious. They are super close with each other. He loves to play with play kitchens especially ovens. He likes to stick food in there and close it. Future chef maybe? He loves to play hide and seek and chase me. He is like his daddy where he wants to take things apart and see how they work.

Evilcious is super happy that winter is over. Even more happy that we told her we are going to move where there is no snow. Yes a child got super happy we will never see snow again. Because snow means we are stuck inside or playing at the library (which is fun) but not outside.

Everyone seems to be in better moods now that the weather has changed and we go outside every day. I hate cold and snow. It's beautiful to look at but icky to drive in and be in. 

I have so many thoughts racing through my head lately. So many thoughts that lead to fear, anxiety and have for some reason thought of death a lot. Not mine and not that I ever want something to happen to anyone but just wondering what would happen if my husband died or my kids. And just being super aware that is a possibility in life. Not saying it never was before. I think with moving on my mind my anxiety's and my addictions are playing tricks on my mind. I will be OK because I have great cyber friends to talk too plus my best friend is my hubby. How great is that.

Guilty Mom

I know we all have our guilty mom moments so here is mine. I feel guilty that now with my third, I make my own baby food, did not introduce juice to him yet and he is 14 months (I had to with both girls at 4 months since they both had serious constipation issues). I cloth diaper with him although I did with Evilcious as well just not with Mysterious. I am not saying if you do not do any of these things you are bad, I just feel bad since I have done a ton of research on things now that I didn't with Mysterious and some I didn't with Evilcious. I bought a new car seat for Texas today so that he can stay rear facing as long as he can. He is super tall and was hitting the back of the seat in his car seat plus the car seat I bought had great neck support, which is awesome for when he falls asleep. What sold it for me was a review from a mother whose child has down syndrome and lack of neck muscles and if the car seat is good enough for her child it is good enough for my child.

We were in a rush for Evilcious to turn around so that we could see her and interact with her facing front forward even though we have mirrors so we can still see them rear facing. I think we just felt we needed to that. Technically with her weight she could still be rear facing. She is only 32 pounds. Texas is 23 pounds but his height is super long 32 inches. I just want him comfortable but safe. The next car seat I will be buying is for Evilcious, the one I want will separate into a booster when it is time for that and it is bigger so she will be safer plus it has better support than hers does. As for the baby food, I bought store made with both girls and Texas I made my own. I even make snacks for the girls. One of their favorite homemade snacks is fruit sauce. It is just 3 different fruits blended together, no sugar, or any additives. I freeze it the other containers and put in hot water to defrost and the girls have said it's consistency is thick like pudding and better than store bought apple sauce. Score 1 for me!

I feel great making his own baby food. Obviously I don't anymore since he eats everything we do but he just got two more teeth making it a total of four teeth he has so I do boil fruit so it is softer for him, same with veggies for snacks. I just feel like I make better food choices for him now than I did with the other two. Not saying I gave them crap, I am just more aware of what I make and give them plus Texas has very high blood sugar and has a high chance of being diabetic like me. All my kids are at risk since I have diabetes but since birth he has been high. So I watch him more like a hawk, although the girls don't eat much sweets but I don't let anyone eat too much crappy snacks here. Some but not much.

I love cloth diapering. Sometimes it's gross when I am spraying off poop from a diaper blow out but it saves me money and is good for the environment plus is great for my son's tushy since he has eczema. It was really great after his surgery for his missing ball. I love the prints and have become an expert of my own kind with it after cloth diapering Evilcious and Texas and will with the next one we are trying to have. I enjoy when my son is only in a diaper in cloth, since they are so cute. Being a stay at home mom with Evilcious since she was 11months old and all of Texas's life so far is a great feeling. I feel bad I didn't have that opportunity with Mysterious, I worked six days a week with her. But I try not to dwell on that. I feel like the older I am getting I do more research and make sure I am doing the best for my children.

I am also researching vaccines more and won't be giving any of my kids unnecessary ones especially the new born babies. I plan to breast feed again as long as my body will let me and the baby will take it with the next one. I try to be the best mom I can be, we have dance parties instead of too much t.v., we have craft time when I can spare time from work, we play with each other whether it be with games or in the playroom. I want time spent with my kids not material items.

To change or not to change It's that simple

I know change is hard. I struggle with it all the time. Being an addict change is super hard on me. So I understand completely struggling from time to time. What I don't understand is when someone just lets a situation happen to them. If you are not happy with yourself why not change or if you are unhappy in a relationship than try to change how you are in that relationship or how you talk to each other. That is all you really can do in a relationship. But for me complaining and whining is not an option in life. I constantly hear Mysterious complain about how things are not fair. I know she is capable of change, so does she but for some odd reason she enjoys complaining. Complaining and whining and never doing anything about it is a victim. Her therapist even says this. But I don't understand why you want to be a victim when you can be a survivor.

I am a survivor, I have been a victim in situations I could not control and I chose to survive or I would of died. I also was a victim in my teenager years of my choosing where I would complain and whine and not change. It got me nowhere. I was pathetic and I didn't care. I didn't care about  myself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone.I don't understand why people don't get that. I know it took me awhile to see that.And sometimes I don't have patience with whiners and I know I should have more patience since I fully admit I was one. But still it drives me insane. If you don't like your life than change it. You can only change yourself not anyone else or anything else. So if your life sucks but you have changed yourself and have done everything you possibly can than I truly am sorry than life does suck but for those that all you do is have a pity party than you only have yourself to blame.

I am not trying to be mean but I will not sugar coat anymore. I have friends like this, my brother and mother are like this along with people in my family and my oldest is like this. I will continue to make my life better, change myself and am fully aware of others needs(or at least I try to be). If my relationship with my husband was failing I would do everything in my power to make it better. Relationships are hard especially living with someone else. Men can be little bitches sometimes even the good ones. I love my husband and we do fight not often and not for long but we tell the other person our feelings and how things can change. This could be sexual, financial, emotional, however things to change so they are constantly better and not failing we will do it. As you should. In a relationship there are two people not one. It's a "WE" thing not a "ME" or "I" thing.

Like I said it's jut that simple.Now I didn't say it will happen over night I am not a magician but over days you can see a change. I am making a change for the better for my life. I will be working out from home a couple times a week (starting off a couple times a week first so I don't die from an asthma attack ;) ) Not just because I want to lose the last 10 pounds from Evilcious. I know I look slim but I have had those pesky 10 pounds from her (she will be 4 on feb 22nd by the way) that just wouldn't go away. Plus I have a saggy butt now that I am getting older, hips that are so wide I really am an hour glass, a butt that is so huge I knock everything over so I will be tightening that ass. I just  want to look good and feel good. I have an eating disorder that I have kept control for some years now and staying in shape will help that little demon stay in control.

I don't eat like crap so working out will be a lifestyle change not a quick fix with some dieting. I don't believe in dieting. I will also go back to only two cheat days a week (which is chocolate cheat days).  If I can wake up at 6 am and workout and change my lifestyle, I think others can quit whining and complaining and change. I hope my oldest starts changing soon. She was doing good for 6 days straight there than just stopped caring and has for over 7 days just been unruly. I want her to love herself and care enough to change for herself not for me or for her therapist or for anyone but for her. Than she will will truly feel great for herself.

What does mom mean?

Foreclosure: I am done holding back what I write. This is as honest and real as I come. No more holding back because of someone else's feelings.

Anyone can give birth to a child that doesn't make you a mom. That makes you an incubator. A mom is someone who wipes the tears away when your child has a boo boo. A mom is someone who pretends to be in a diner and you're child gives you play food to eat. A mom is someone who holds their child tight when they have a nightmare. A mom is someone who wants to pull her hair out because her child is screaming and mom is trying to clean. A mom is someone who teaches their child to take their first steps, first meal, first smile, first word, how to swim, how to be independent. A mom is not someone who gave birth to a child and who can float in and out of your life. A mom is not someone who can just show up when it is convenient to them in the child's life. A mom is not someone who puts their needs before the child. A mom should always put their child first. Just because you gave birth and have a child does not mean you are a good parent. A good parent is someone who is exhausted, happy, sad, plays with their kids. I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be but I am so tired of hearing women say they are a good mom but than the next word out of their mouth is selfish,selfish things. We all need me time and a break from kids. And some days are better than others. It is hard to juggle families, work, playtime, school time, cleaning, relationship time but we all do it. I am just so tired of hearing some women complain when all they did was give birth and their kids suffer from day to day because they won't give them the attention a child so deserves.

My mom didn't play with me when I was a child so that taught me to play more with my child. I know sometimes I want to just play computer games and be left alone but that is not the real world. (not saying I don't play computer games, I do but usually with a child on my lap and the other sitting next to me) I am not attaching moms or saying anyone is not perfect if you don't do what I say. That is not what I am saying at all. I am just tired of my mom in particular saying she was a good parent when she gave me up and has blamed me for everything that has ever happened to her. I have tried and tried to work things out and go to counseling with her but for some reason I am just the anti christ to her. I just don't understand how someone can have so much hate/despise for someone who grew in you. I am not saying I was a great kid,teenager or even adult. I have a TON of flaws. I have addictions, I swear way too much, I'm loud, I am mean when I want to be. But even with all of that I try every day to always put my children first and not to blame others for my problems/mistakes.

I don't expect her to be perfect. I hate perfect people. I just want to be loved and showed that I am the best thing that happened to her. I remember as a child how my family would get together and enjoy each other's company. Now they all talk behind my back and to my face how horrible of a person I am, how I suck as a mother. All because my mom told them something (which I have no idea what she said or I did supposedly). I miss them but I can't be around toxic people who don't see that I have changed and will continue to do so. So I swear when I am frustrated or mad. Whatever, I am Italian and it just comes out. I am trying to swear less but sometimes I get so mad that even the swear words coming out don't even do my anger justice. Walk a day in my shoes before judging me. Walk a day being me before you say I can do it better. I give every person the benefit of doubt until you prove me otherwise. I am not on this earth to make anyone happy but myself and my children and my hubby. I am done people pleasing.

Does this mean I no longer want her in my life. No. It means I can't be abused or accused or lied to anymore. Means I am tired of people looking at me like I have leprosy. I didn't do anything that horrible that I should be shunned. But because of all of this and because of the way I was treated by my family as a teenager and adult, I have seen how I want to my immediate family to be. It's a how not to be like them and I do the opposite of that. I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I do family things the way I wanted them to be for me. I am not saying my childhood always sucked. I do have fond memories but they are in few to the horrible nightmares I have. I am true to myself and I will continue to do that.

Very powering to say I am done pleasing people and here I come rawr.

I knew you could do it

Dear Mysterious,

I know sometimes like today, I am a crazy ranting lunatic because I am on my period and I am super crabby and every little thing was setting me off (stupid cabin fever), but you did great today as you have for the past five days. For five days straight you have been good, doing all of your chores, making sure you did your "coping skills" when you are angry, agressive, anxious or depressed, learning to not talk back, walking away when angry and learning to accept being told what to do. I knew you could do it! You are such a smart girl. You even participated in therapy on Monday. I am so proud of you. You have been able to play on your tablet, watch tv, listen to music. This is what being a kid is all about. I know you don't want to listen to what we always have to say, but we are your parents and we know what is best. We are trying to help you for the future. I am glad you see we are on your side and not against you. I have no idea what it is like to have bipolar or aspergers. I do know that you are so strong and brave. I know you have had some bumps in the road and I am happy you overcame them. I know you will have bad days but we have never had this many good days in a row. Keep up the good work.
Love Mom

I could probably write more but my computer is annoying me with the way it is lagging. I also want to curl up in a ball with the amount of cramps I am having.