What does mom mean?

Foreclosure: I am done holding back what I write. This is as honest and real as I come. No more holding back because of someone else's feelings.

Anyone can give birth to a child that doesn't make you a mom. That makes you an incubator. A mom is someone who wipes the tears away when your child has a boo boo. A mom is someone who pretends to be in a diner and you're child gives you play food to eat. A mom is someone who holds their child tight when they have a nightmare. A mom is someone who wants to pull her hair out because her child is screaming and mom is trying to clean. A mom is someone who teaches their child to take their first steps, first meal, first smile, first word, how to swim, how to be independent. A mom is not someone who gave birth to a child and who can float in and out of your life. A mom is not someone who can just show up when it is convenient to them in the child's life. A mom is not someone who puts their needs before the child. A mom should always put their child first. Just because you gave birth and have a child does not mean you are a good parent. A good parent is someone who is exhausted, happy, sad, plays with their kids. I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be but I am so tired of hearing women say they are a good mom but than the next word out of their mouth is selfish,selfish things. We all need me time and a break from kids. And some days are better than others. It is hard to juggle families, work, playtime, school time, cleaning, relationship time but we all do it. I am just so tired of hearing some women complain when all they did was give birth and their kids suffer from day to day because they won't give them the attention a child so deserves.

My mom didn't play with me when I was a child so that taught me to play more with my child. I know sometimes I want to just play computer games and be left alone but that is not the real world. (not saying I don't play computer games, I do but usually with a child on my lap and the other sitting next to me) I am not attaching moms or saying anyone is not perfect if you don't do what I say. That is not what I am saying at all. I am just tired of my mom in particular saying she was a good parent when she gave me up and has blamed me for everything that has ever happened to her. I have tried and tried to work things out and go to counseling with her but for some reason I am just the anti christ to her. I just don't understand how someone can have so much hate/despise for someone who grew in you. I am not saying I was a great kid,teenager or even adult. I have a TON of flaws. I have addictions, I swear way too much, I'm loud, I am mean when I want to be. But even with all of that I try every day to always put my children first and not to blame others for my problems/mistakes.

I don't expect her to be perfect. I hate perfect people. I just want to be loved and showed that I am the best thing that happened to her. I remember as a child how my family would get together and enjoy each other's company. Now they all talk behind my back and to my face how horrible of a person I am, how I suck as a mother. All because my mom told them something (which I have no idea what she said or I did supposedly). I miss them but I can't be around toxic people who don't see that I have changed and will continue to do so. So I swear when I am frustrated or mad. Whatever, I am Italian and it just comes out. I am trying to swear less but sometimes I get so mad that even the swear words coming out don't even do my anger justice. Walk a day in my shoes before judging me. Walk a day being me before you say I can do it better. I give every person the benefit of doubt until you prove me otherwise. I am not on this earth to make anyone happy but myself and my children and my hubby. I am done people pleasing.

Does this mean I no longer want her in my life. No. It means I can't be abused or accused or lied to anymore. Means I am tired of people looking at me like I have leprosy. I didn't do anything that horrible that I should be shunned. But because of all of this and because of the way I was treated by my family as a teenager and adult, I have seen how I want to my immediate family to be. It's a how not to be like them and I do the opposite of that. I treat my kids the way I wanted to be treated. I do family things the way I wanted them to be for me. I am not saying my childhood always sucked. I do have fond memories but they are in few to the horrible nightmares I have. I am true to myself and I will continue to do that.

Very powering to say I am done pleasing people and here I come rawr.

I knew you could do it

Dear Mysterious,

I know sometimes like today, I am a crazy ranting lunatic because I am on my period and I am super crabby and every little thing was setting me off (stupid cabin fever), but you did great today as you have for the past five days. For five days straight you have been good, doing all of your chores, making sure you did your "coping skills" when you are angry, agressive, anxious or depressed, learning to not talk back, walking away when angry and learning to accept being told what to do. I knew you could do it! You are such a smart girl. You even participated in therapy on Monday. I am so proud of you. You have been able to play on your tablet, watch tv, listen to music. This is what being a kid is all about. I know you don't want to listen to what we always have to say, but we are your parents and we know what is best. We are trying to help you for the future. I am glad you see we are on your side and not against you. I have no idea what it is like to have bipolar or aspergers. I do know that you are so strong and brave. I know you have had some bumps in the road and I am happy you overcame them. I know you will have bad days but we have never had this many good days in a row. Keep up the good work.
Love Mom

I could probably write more but my computer is annoying me with the way it is lagging. I also want to curl up in a ball with the amount of cramps I am having.