As I lay in bed my head is full with thoughts, thoughts of tomorrow, thoughts of each day after till we meet again. My head was happy today due to mysterious getting accepted to the residential program that we applied for. After court tomorrow we take her and for a whole month we can't see her. They do that so the new levels can earn the next level. I know she needs the strict structure, I know I am doing the right thing, I know I have done all that I can and now it is up to her to use the tools we gave her in life to improve her behaviors and be a teenager a gain. My head keeps telling me all of this. As my heart is breaking in a million pieces and all I want to do is go in her room and watch her sleep like I did when she was a baby. As I write this tears flow down my cheeks.I know I am doing the right thing but it hurts.
I feel lost when she is gone like I am not whole unless she is with me all I have ever wanted is for my daughter to be happy. I know reactant happen till she gets the help she needs.residential will help her, I will have to continue to be strong. I have no other choice. I was reading this bloggers page where she had to leave an abusive relationship while d going so her son remained in with the guy until now, she has custody but my heart was breaking reading the poems and in d nights she had about her son and other kids from a previous relationship not being with her.and all I could think of was how I hope th o never feel that pain and that poor woman, I felt for her. It's not the same to say the least but mysterious could be gone for six months to a year.
I sleep poorly when she is gone in the hospital, I feel weird doing anything for myself when she is gone for those two weeks, how am I going to do this for 6months or a year? I'm angry at whatever monster took over my child, I want to hit and shake it. Tell why couldn't you leave my child alone. I miss my daughter who likes to chat with you about anything, I miss the child who like to play board games with me, do her nails, go shopping. One day the monster will be gone I tell myself, for now I will try so hard to not break. Can't break. I know she will be safe but it did still hard to let her go. I need time to fly so she can be with me again.
Writing will be my salvation, my out, my need so I don't breAk. I can do this, I need to do this as for my family.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Journal Entry 3-1-15
I know I haven't been on here in quite a long time but I need to start making this a regular thing for me as I need an outlet to get it all out and if someone else is reading this and they can relate well it helps to not feel like you are alone in all of this. I decided after talking to a friend a week ago that I would start blogging again and that I would start doing it like I am writing in a diary.
Journal Entry 3-1-15
Dear Journal,
I don't believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason. Yesterday I spoke with someone who I bowl with that just happened to be a nurse at the behavioral facility M recently went too. M told me about it and I decided that I would talk to her about it. I think anyone who can work with mentally ill people are special in my book. And anyone who wants to help my child is even more special in my book. Our conversation was nice and in the end we exchanged numbers. She also encouraged me to back into blogging, she even said I should write a book.
So this morning as I was checking face book while I was in the bathroom (sorry if tmi lol), there was an ad about a movie called no letting go. It's about a family struggling to cope with their son's mental illness. He becomes irritable, anxious and has a mood disorder. I watched the 30 second clip as tears strolled down my face, my heart was screaming that's my life. Now I couldn't find the movie anywhere since they are trying to raise money so that the movie can be made as an indie film first, but that movie felt like it was made for me. Now it is based in the time period when mental illnesses were just being talked about and coming out more, so that family's struggle was even harder as they most likely didn't have the resources we do now. But nonetheless I still was touched and felt that mom's struggle. Every day here is a struggle, M is aggressive, moody, defiant, mean and its a struggle.
My happy child is gone, nothing makes her happy anymore, she is on meds, we have two therapists who see her, she has a probation officer. Let me back up some since I haven't written in ages. M hit me a few times that were so violent I had to call the police, she hit her now 5 year old sister a few times over the years that needed medical attention, she also hit her dad a few times where he called the police. The arrest from me lead to her going to a peer trial where her peers would decide her punishment. Which they did, she had to write a book about anger, do at home community service and listen to her parents. She only followed the anger book. They than told her if she didn't follow the rules or if she harmed someone again than the arrest from me than could have her go to real court, which happened since she hit her dad again. So we have been going to court since November 28, 2014 and on March 18 she will be sentenced.
When this case first hit the court she went to a probation office since she has no record and they were just going to be light with her but when they asked why she is aggressive, she lied and said that her parents beat her causing a dcfs investigation to start when they realized there was no abuse and she said she was lying, she was than charged with a class a felony which is prison from 1 to 7 years. Thankfully the state dropped those charges so she just has misdemeanors for the domestic battery against myself and my husband. Her sentencing can be community service or juvenile detention time. Her probation officer and myself and my husband are working on her getting into residential. The probation officer will present that to the judge and the judge will decide if that is best for her. We think it is since she will be in a controlled environment where they can help work with her more on her bipolar manic episodes, since she has so many in a day.
So each day we deal with swearing, yelling, defiance behaviors with her not wanting to do her chores or school work, self harming, talk of suicide, talk of homicide. I just need her to have a good day. I need my happy child back. Okay journal time for me to clean the house before all the monsters wake up.
Journal Entry 3-1-15
Dear Journal,
I don't believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason. Yesterday I spoke with someone who I bowl with that just happened to be a nurse at the behavioral facility M recently went too. M told me about it and I decided that I would talk to her about it. I think anyone who can work with mentally ill people are special in my book. And anyone who wants to help my child is even more special in my book. Our conversation was nice and in the end we exchanged numbers. She also encouraged me to back into blogging, she even said I should write a book.
So this morning as I was checking face book while I was in the bathroom (sorry if tmi lol), there was an ad about a movie called no letting go. It's about a family struggling to cope with their son's mental illness. He becomes irritable, anxious and has a mood disorder. I watched the 30 second clip as tears strolled down my face, my heart was screaming that's my life. Now I couldn't find the movie anywhere since they are trying to raise money so that the movie can be made as an indie film first, but that movie felt like it was made for me. Now it is based in the time period when mental illnesses were just being talked about and coming out more, so that family's struggle was even harder as they most likely didn't have the resources we do now. But nonetheless I still was touched and felt that mom's struggle. Every day here is a struggle, M is aggressive, moody, defiant, mean and its a struggle.
My happy child is gone, nothing makes her happy anymore, she is on meds, we have two therapists who see her, she has a probation officer. Let me back up some since I haven't written in ages. M hit me a few times that were so violent I had to call the police, she hit her now 5 year old sister a few times over the years that needed medical attention, she also hit her dad a few times where he called the police. The arrest from me lead to her going to a peer trial where her peers would decide her punishment. Which they did, she had to write a book about anger, do at home community service and listen to her parents. She only followed the anger book. They than told her if she didn't follow the rules or if she harmed someone again than the arrest from me than could have her go to real court, which happened since she hit her dad again. So we have been going to court since November 28, 2014 and on March 18 she will be sentenced.
When this case first hit the court she went to a probation office since she has no record and they were just going to be light with her but when they asked why she is aggressive, she lied and said that her parents beat her causing a dcfs investigation to start when they realized there was no abuse and she said she was lying, she was than charged with a class a felony which is prison from 1 to 7 years. Thankfully the state dropped those charges so she just has misdemeanors for the domestic battery against myself and my husband. Her sentencing can be community service or juvenile detention time. Her probation officer and myself and my husband are working on her getting into residential. The probation officer will present that to the judge and the judge will decide if that is best for her. We think it is since she will be in a controlled environment where they can help work with her more on her bipolar manic episodes, since she has so many in a day.
So each day we deal with swearing, yelling, defiance behaviors with her not wanting to do her chores or school work, self harming, talk of suicide, talk of homicide. I just need her to have a good day. I need my happy child back. Okay journal time for me to clean the house before all the monsters wake up.
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