Manic Monday

I am very tired today. Woke up every hour last night. I woke up at 7 this morning officially to make sure M was doing all of her chores before school. That's right my first born started six grade today! Our district starts early and ends school May 23. Love it!! I straightened her hair (she has naturally wavy hair that other people would die for her, not her she wants to have straight hair) and made her look so pretty. I walked her to her bus stop and watched her go on the bus. Then I jumped in the shower and got ready so that when Emie wakes up I will be ready to do anything I want with her. Now I am just enjoying my coffee (second big cup), taking surveys online that I get paid for to do, catching up on my celebrity gossip and enjoying my me time. I am a little lonely without the company of my 11 year old. But after 3 or so my hubby will be home and then my oldest and then my brother. At night I have a full house, I am just not used to the quiet in the daytime. Haha. I feel accomplished since I cleaned the house Saturday with the help of my family. Laundry is done until Thursday when I do it again. Every Thursday I do the whole house's laundry. I am ambitious lol. I think on my me time during nap time i will read. I really want to read more of this book I have. Plus Mikayla and I are doing a fall reading contest since the summer one ended and she won. I gave her 10 for reading 3 books and beating me. She was so proud. I went to a baby shower yesterday and it was so fun! I have never been to a baby shower. I really hope that I can get pregnant soon and have a boy that my hubby so desperately desires. Not saying I don't want a boy they are just different for me since we have two girls and I am a girl. I get a little  discouraged that I won't get pregnant sometimes since both girls were conceived after one try. But it might be because of my age or the fact I am extremely high rise due to heath issues. Oh well I will keep trying and I am going to make a doctor appointment soon and find out what is going on with my body. But for today I am happy with my life not saying I am not happy any other day. I am just content and I haven't always been that way as an adult. It took a while for me to get to this place. Because of finding the right man, money problems, family issues and personal growth I needed to do but I have overcome all of that and have a good life. Very proud of myself. This is far from the end of my chapter and far from me finishing personal growth. I will always grow and improve myself. OK got to go Emie decided to wake up earlier then her 1030 wake up time and I want to eat before she screams for me.

TGIF

I didn't post last week and have been forgetful on it this week. So here goes.

• I just had a snickers ice cream cone and wasn't too thrilled with it. Too many nuts on the top. I love nuts but it just wasn't the right amount.
• I have a baby shower to go too on Sunday. (I love buying baby stuff!)
• Tomorrow I have to clean out Mikayla's toy box and give or sell the toys I don't want to keep for Emerald and that I am keeping for Mikayla.
• Tomorrow I also have to clean out Mikayla's bins since there is so much clutter in her room. 
• Sometime today I have to finish cleaning the house and put away all the laundry I am doing.
• I had fun today watching the kids ride there bikes.
• It is so nice outside I have all the windows open. 
• I feel accomplished today because of life decisions I have currently made. I will talk more about that in another posting.
• I am going to the in laws for my father in law's bday cake. Can't wait!
• I am hoping to get pregnant very soon. We have been trying and I am trying not to get discouraged.
• I bought one of those nail polishes where you peel off and stick to your nails that are made by sally Henson. (hope they look nice)
• I have been wondering if I should write a book. Always wanted to do that. Would anyone read it?
• I always feel accomplished when bills are paid and house is clean
• I love my life with all my friends, husband and kids to keep me happy.
• I have been learning sign language and teaching Emerald and loving it.
• What are you thankful for on a friday?

TGIF

It's that time of the week again. It's Friday let's break out the 80's music and dance! (We have a rule that we have music on once everyone is awake and enjoy the songs that play. Emie loves to dance)

• I get to enjoy the weekend with my hubby. He comes home tomorrow after being gone for a week on a business trip
• I will talk to my hubby tonight on skype
• Today I am enjoying my day by doing laundry and being lazy.(I am really sleepy today and not motivated to do a lot but relax)
• I will enjoy my pool today with the kiddies
• Tomorrow night the hubby and I will be having a date night. (we haven't done that since valentines day.)
• I can't wait to go to the movies tomorrow night with my hubby with out kids. (i love my kids but i need some adult alone time other than the bedroom j/k)
• trying to decide what movie to see. it has been awhile since i have been to the theater. 
• Monday we are going  to have a family day with the hubby and kids
• one more week till my oldest goes to school
• going to make sure i do some painting and reading during nap time once my oldest goes to school

Weekend Reviews/Manic Monday

Friday I  was looking forward to my hubby working from home since he was out of town for business for two days last week and two days the week before.I enjoy my days with him. Even if he is working on the computer and making calls. Friday was just a relax day. Well it was for me. My hubby, brother and my dad leveled out a part of our backyard so we could put our pool up. We have an inflatable pool that is 12 x 36. So that we all can enjoy the water and play and relax in it. I love it. Its perfect for me. So they worked from 3pm til 8pm. Then Saturday we filled the pool which took most of the day. Then we went to our cousin's birthday party. It was so hot outside but the kids played in a water slide as the adults hid under a canopy. It was so much fun to be with all of my new/second family. I really enjoy all the time I spend with them. Then Sunday I had to say my goodbyes to my hubby (he left for a week to travel to Yale university for work). Then it was pool time for the rest of us. My oldest loves the pool so much she didn't want to leave it. My youngest wanted to play in the pool for a second then she decided the sand box was much more fun. I will post pictures tomorrow. My back yard is a fun hideaway place for me. I love it. I always wanted a backyard with stuff like I have. Usually Mondays I clean the house. I was planning on doing that but time slipped away from me. When my hubby is out of town I have insomnia and can't sleep without him next to me. So I stay up really late till 2 or 4 am. So I stayed up watching my tv shows I download till 2 am last night then I didn't wake up till 9am. I wasn't really motivated to clean. So today I had a lazy day till I had to get things ready for school registration tomorrow. I know I goofed and let time slip by on that too. I got all of my school supplies for my oldest and wow there wasn't a whole lot to get and I got it all at meijers. Score! Now I am relaxing with some mikes hard lemonade flavored peach margarita. I deserve it after having kids behaving really bad today. Hopefully it won't rain tomorrow so I can go into the pool.

TGIF

I decided to do a TGIF every Friday since I was a child it has always been my favorite day. I would get so excited for 7pm to watch all my TGIF shows on ABC. I miss those shows. My favorite was perfect strangers, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, and Step by Step. So here it goes....

•  TGIF even though it's raining I will enjoy my day with cleaning and grocery shopping.
•   I get to enjoy my weekend in Wisconsin at the family home my in laws have.
•   I get my hubby all weekend with him not leaving for business trips.
•  hopefully the rain all weekend will help my poor grass not look so dead.
•   I think I will finally sit down and read a book since I am in a reading competition with my oldest. (She has read 3 books and I have read 0). 
•  I can watch Harry potter movies all weekend.
• I mixed two coffee creamers since the one was low and didn't want to have coffee with less creamer. Yes it was an interesting flavor but I am still going to drink it and enjoy it.
• My dog is so scared from the storm that he is sharing my seat on the couch.
• I love my Saturday mornings with my father in law and our conversations in Wisconsin.
• I  am so glad I can catch up on my shows this weekend. 
• I am super happy that I found a few new shows for me to watch this summer. Like Fringe, how i met your mother and Dexter. (no there not new but I get to start from season one and there new to me)
• I love the sound of rain and thunder.

Birthday wishes

Today is my birthday and I am 31. It's just a number for me. Not really upset I am 31. I embrace each year I get older. Every year I get myself something for my birthday. Not saying my hubby or anyone else doesn't give me good presents. I do it because when I was a child my mom always made promises and broke them on my birthday. So I make a promise to myself to get myself something every year so I have something to look forward too. Usually I get make up at sephora or ulta. But not sure if that is what I will do or not.... Still deciding. I did get a bad present already this year but I am one of those that doesn't return gifts, only because the person did try to get my something they thought I would like but it isn't what I would get myself. The bad present was from my brother, he got me combat boots(which was my style when I was 16)and wedge heels that are not at all what I would choose. But I will wear them proud near him as to not offend him. I know I shouldn't keep something I don't like but he tried. As for the other gifts I will keep you posted on what I got. I did get some money from my in laws and Dale's grandma(our grandma, just too hard to write my grandma and explain). So the plan for today is to take kids to the splash park for a bit then maybe clean the house and later watch harry potter movies so I can catch up. My hubby wants to cook me dinner. I think I will teach him how to cook Tilapia tonight or shrimp scampi. This year I am very grateful for the people in my life and the things I have accomplished from the year before. My birthday wish is to have another great year of accomplishing things and having fun with good people.

bad mom

My oldest always has a way of making me feel like a bad mom. She fights, talks back and says I don't like her and that when I am punishing her that is how I get back at her. She always says when I tell my husband that she is being bad "why do you have to be a bad mom and tell him". Today for example I have my nieces over from a sleepover they had with us last night. My oldest who is 11 was good last night but this morning turned into her normal not listening self. She got mouthy a few times with me but I let them slide and told her to knock it off. Then she was fine pretty much all day.... Emerald went down for a nap and the other kids wanted to ride bikes in my driveway. Mikayla freaked out on me because I wanted her to ride her newer bigger bike and let her cousin who is smaller ride her old bike. She started yelling at me because she is afraid to completely ride her bike and she didn't want to share. I told her to sit down and relax and she started mouthing off more. So I sent her in the house to stay in her bedroom. Then the girls didn't want to ride bikes since Mikayla wasn't out there so they went in the kiddie pool. I went upstairs to talk to mikayla and she was crying and telling me i'm a bad mom. It's all my fault. I really hate when does that to me. I didn't do anything wrong. My job as a parent is sometimes not rewarding when i have to punish. My job is to make sure I teach right from wrong and make sure she is safe,. If I let her walk around talking to me like I am lower than her then I am doing a disservice to her when she is older. She also doesn't like to do chores. Everyday is a struggle to get her to do chores, take a shower, listen to me and not mouth off. Sometimes I feel like I mess up with her. Do you ever feel this way? Being a parent is hard.

Bills.Pools. Bikes

All I have done today is stayed in my pajamas did laundry( I do mine,Dale's,Mikayla's,emerald's and my brothers, I don't trust they will put the clothes away neatly.), payed bills, found a pool for all of us to swim in, found bikes for us to buy on Craig's list that are cheap. My goal is for everyone to have a bike so we can go on bike rides together. I even found a bike trailer that fits two kids to go on the back of my bike. I love Craig's list to find stuff that isn't in bad shape and isn't a lot of money. I feel proud that we are catching up on bills and I feel like we will be all caught up very soon. I was scared for awhile but I'm not anymore. I am a good budgeter. I try very hard not to buy something I don't need. We don't go out a lot and we have a backyard full of stuff for the kiddies. I love my house. Next I am looking for playschool houses or play items for Emie to play in. I am looking on craigs list. I also went to a garage sale yesterday and bought some baby toys,clothes for mikayla, and a motorized truck for Emie. That truck was such a good find. I paid 25 when it is normally 300 or so. I love those kind of finds. So dale just bought us 3 bikes for 100. Yeah craigs list! The only thing I really need to learn is how do I get my grocery bill down a lot. I coupon shop, I shop deals. I need to learn how to save more grocery shopping. I am open to suggestions.

Lots of thoughts in my head

So this morning I have been reading other blogs and just thinking about my life and how much I have grown in the last almost 31 years. (yes my birthday is next Thursday and I will be 31. Thought you might want to know in case you wanted to buy me something lol) I love reading other women's blogs because it makes me feel like I am not alone in certain situations. I don't really have an example right now but just in general. I like how we can write on here as if it is our diary or as if we are talking to a friend. Sometimes I don't give my complete honesty and tell you everything that is going on in my world, only because I feel like I am putting my dirty laundry out there and get nervous what others must think of me. I do not frown upon it when I see others being openly honest on their blogs. I am not sure if I can do that. I am trying, I really am. It took me along time to even trust people like I do. I used to be sceptical of people because of the things that happened to me in the past. I still wonder sometimes when I am friends with new people if they truly like me or have a hidden agenda? But I push those feelings out of me so that I don't waste any useless energy on negative feelings. My past is the past but sometimes it does sneak up on me. I went  through a lot in my life that most people haven't and shouldn't. Trust me this stuff is scary, dark stuff that should be spoken of. It's that bad. But I am stronger from all of it and have grown and changed a lot. I love myself for who I am and what I will be. I like to help others who are going through I went through or just need a friend for advice. I like being that person. I like that I a married with two beautiful kids and hopefully soon more. I like that I am more stable than I have ever been in my life. I have become sorta a 1950's wife where I cook, clean and am happy being with my kids. I never wanted to be that person but I love that I am her. I love having a nice clean home that I am proud of. I still haven't decided what I will do in my future where school and career fall. Hopefully I will decide all that soon.

My week so far

So Dale is getting ready to drive out of town for work(so hate that he does). He will be back by 10pm or sooner tonight but still hate it. On July 31st he will be going to Connecticut for a week. I really don't want him to leave that long and I am debating if I will go with. (he already knows this and is OK with this) I have been thrown off all week with chores and errands due to the power outage. I haven't gone grocery shopping yet and have to very soon after i write this since i am officially out of diapers. How did I let that happen?! I have two kids and it takes me so long to get ready, feed them and do errands, what will I do when I have 3? My dad had his weekly visit here yesterday where we all played mad gab with him. Lots of fun, if you have never played you should. I keep saying I need to start walking around the block every night so I can lose weight. Well tonight hopefully I will get the chance. I really would like to get to know how to add things on my blog like other blogs do. (appearance things) I haven't found any blogs about older kids. It really is hard sometimes the age gap between mikayla and emerald. Mikayla is 11 and Emerald is 16 months. Its hard to find activities for both kid's ages. I love the help mikayla gives me but she is in the preteen stage and has loads of attitude and sassiness. So on a daily basis i am in a power struggle with her. Fun Fun. I am wondering if I should sell jewelry and other stuff I make online. A bunch of people say I should. Hmmmm. I have been applying for babysitting jobs where I either bring Emerald with or watch children here. No luck so far. Really would like extra money to have and to help with debt we have. Emerald is at the stage where I am getting a booster chair for her to sit at the table with us(she climbs on the chairs and sits and tries to eat with us), also I will be starting potty training slowly(she brings me the diaper when she poops and needs a changing). I have a moms night out tomorrow with my moms group. I can't wait since I haven't gone out by myself in months. I have a birthday party for my niece this weekend so I am not going to Wisconsin. I so need to the kids out of the house this week and weekend. Wondering what I will do?

Children, Rivers and sunburn

I had so much fun over the fourth of July weekend. We went to our in laws family home in Wisconsin where we went on the boat, went on the jet skis, swam in the river and relaxed with family. we had our own firework shows, with a campfire and some glow sticks that I got at the dollar store. It was a fun weekend. I got so sunburned on Monday that I have been recovering since. I also sometime over the weekend pulled or strained a muscle in my shoulder. It has been swollen and so painful to move. I haven't slept in three days, I keep waking up in pain. I feel a little bit better each day with Tylenol and cold packs and rest. Today I finally caught up on every one's laundry and tomorrow I hope I feel better enough to clean the house. Were going back up to Wisconsin this weekend. we try to go every weekend if we can. I have had two responses back to me on babysitting/nanny jobs. I am trying to get a babysitting/nanny job where I can bring emerald or I can watch children at my home. I think this fall I will take some CNA classes along with some child development classes. I have been thinking about starting my own home daycare, thanks to a friend of mine who has her own and has been helping me and trying to convince me to open my own. She knows who she is lol. Here is the web address for my profile on care.com.http://www.care.com/childcare/heathers799 So tell your friends or anyone else you know if you need a sitter/nanny and you live in Illinois in the northwest suburbs. So basically my week has just been applying for jobs, resting my shoulder so I can recover and enjoying the kids. I have had some stress with finances and home stuff but I am not one who likes to air my dirty laundry. Still not sure how honest and open I want to be on here.

Everything is back to normal. What is normal?

I got married June 11. It was a lot of work with doing it yourself favors, bouquets and other stuff I had to do for the wedding but very much worth it. I enjoyed every stressful moment of planning and organizing the wedding. There were some bloopers on the big day but that is how it goes. You can't have a perfect day but no biggie. We went to Vegas for our honeymoon. We drank, ate at buffets, I shopped a lot, and we listened to live music outside every day. It was tons of fun. I am very glad to have found my soul mate. Now I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I believe everything happens for a reason and that there is the right timing for everything. I am not saying we are perfect and we don't fight. We are equal partners that compromise in every situation sometimes we but heads and argue but we make up and realize that is what makes us individuals. I believe that is what is key in relationships. My life went from planning and organizing a wedding back to laundry, cooking and keeping kids occupied. I sometimes catch myself wondering what can i do as far as the job thing goes to make myself happy. For right now I am a stay at home mom. I am looking for babysitting, housekeeping and jobs I can do either at home or with kids with me so we don't have to pay for a sitter and so I don't have to be away from the kids. I always felt guilty working when Mikayla was little and she had to go to daycare or a sitter. I know it is what I had to do to make ends meet but I always felt like someone else was raising my kid and I was just a visitor. I have nothing against day cares, sitters or childcare in general. I think its great. I just feel like I should be watching them and making sure there minds are enriched. So I am deciding what my next step in life is.. Stay tuned for that decision. On the education note every summer Mikayla does worksheets I find in all subject from the grade level she just finished and some from the grade level she will start in fall. I found lots of great websites where I can print out the worksheets plus she goes online to education websites for 30 minutes a day on weekdays and plays educational games. I love that she isn't losing the information she learned and she loves that she can play online. Her and I also developed a goal chart for the summer of all the things she was scared of that she wants to accomplish. Like learning how to swim, ride a bike, roller skate, make new friends without moms help, read a book from start to finish. So far she has achieved two goals. I am so proud of her. We also have a summer reading program competition that her and I read as many books as we can and whoever reads the most wins. I make her do book reports for me so I know that she is actually Reading and not just saying she is. I believe reading is not only fun and imaginative but also a great way to get grades up. I also have flash cards I use for Emerald so she can learn her animals and colors. I plan on writing on this blog a lot more since everything is back to normal. See you soon....

Spring time

So now that it is spring time we will go for walks, play outside more, we are getting a sand box soon, also in the future a trampoline and a pool. I love spring and summer. I love being outside, on the boat, swimming, walking and bon fires. I am excited to see what new adventures I can get into this summer with my family. I have almost caught up to all of my shows since I have been working a lot. I also have gotten some little projects done. Now to get all of wedding stuff done then do some creative things for myself. I will be downloading a book onto my ipod so I can read on the go now. I miss reading. I am going to be setting a weekly hour time for myself so no one can bother me so I can have some me creative time. I have also decided I need to make more time for some girls night out time and hubby one on one time and not feel guilty about it. Its ok to want to have some time away from the kids and not feel like a bad mom. It's hard to do that but ok to do it. I have a lot going on because of the wedding, other people's weddings, birthdays, holidays and other fun summer/spring time stuff.

Questions to me

I decided to let everyone out there ask me questions and I will answer them. This way you can get to know me a little better. I think it would be fun. Please nothing to graphic or mean.

Celebrities and the media

I think it is funny sometimes when you see all the media on some people and they get mad when they get attention. Then don't do something stupid. Brittney doesn't like when everyone is judging or talking about her then why are you driving with your child in your lap or shaving your head in public or having public rants? When you are a celebrity if you don't take necessary precautions you will be noticed and criticized. Your humiliations will be out there for all of us to see. There are some celebrities who do it on purpose so they get noticed so they can get work but there are some who are just dumb and complain about it. Some are so good about being discrete that they disappear from the media and have a normal life but still do shows and movies. I do enjoy watching the celebrities doing silly things in the media but at the same time don't cry about it. You make good money for all your bloopers. Who cares what we little people think? lol

My view on politics and the world

I decided to write about this after having so many conversations lately with co workers and family about the president and politicians. First I really don't have a desire to ever vote. I know I know I should vote so I have my voice heard and so my opinion is voiced as well. But for the last 10 years I haven't had any real desire to vote since the presidential candidates have sucked. Our president right now isn't much of a good president. I know he is fixing other president's mistakes before him and he has done good things like extend unemployment but he makes me mad for the most part. He talks about the economy and changing things, then why doesn't he or the other politicians take a pay cut? Instead they make decisions about our lives while they are cushioned with their big salary. And they make decisions about health care and unemployment extensions when neither affect them. I want someone who understand poverty, understands unemployment, so when they make the decisions it will be from the heart and not who cares I will make a decision because it is my job. I know not everyone will agree or like my opinion but it is what I feel. I am very passionate on this since I was unemployed and a single mom for a long time. I have worked since I was 14 and have paid taxes and followed the law, so when I couldn't get an extension on my unemployment when the money was low to begin with I was scared, mad and frustrated. I was lucky to get a job within a month of that happening, have a good man to help me and a supportive family. There are some people out there in this world that don't have all that. I just wish that the president and politicians would see that when they make decisions. Also about this bin laden death. I hate that it is all over the news, people's face book statuses, and on the radio. I think we are glorifying some one's death. I understand he was a bad man and that he killed lots of people. I agree he deserved what he got. But we teach our children that violence is not good so is it OK that the person we are violent to is a really bad person, terrorist who killed a lot of people. I think the Media and just people in general sometimes find loop holes when it comes to right and wrong. I don't think it is right what he did and I don't think it is right that our troops are over there and can't come home. Also I don't think it is right that they will most likely retaliate against us and we will have to continue to fight. I hate violence and I hate that it is a regular choice for some people. I don't think that it is ever the answer. I understand why it is used in life but don't you think we are contradicting our selves when we teach our children violence is bad. So is OK only on some circumstances. I am a survivor of domestic, physical and mental abuse along with sexual violence. So I do see both sides. But just think about why it is OK. I never expect anyone to agree with me. It is just how I feel. I am open to hearing every one's side on what they feel.

Love the month of April don't love the snow

I can not believe it snowed in April. OK yes I can believe it snowed in April, I just didn't want it too. I really want the spring and summer weather back. My allergies don't want the spring but I do. I miss the warm weather, flowers (even though I am allergic to them), swimming, playing at the park with the kids. I can't wait to do that again. I need the sunshine as well. I can't do this gloomy weather. It makes me want to sleep forever and not get up for anything. Some good news. I am doing a little better at work not getting in trouble as much right now, noticing my mistakes before I leave so I can fix them, being very open to criticism. I am always positive when I go to work now I am extra positive so managers notice and don't say I am mad,sad or upset.(which I am not). I try to do extra things at work so they notice that I do like and want to keep my job. Just because on here or on face book I might say that I am tired or that my legs hurt doesn't mean that I don't like to work. I love working and providing for my family and most of all so that I can socialize for a bit. Everyone has tired days or days where you don't want to get out of bed. Don't hold that against me. I do have multiple sclerosis so sometimes it hurts to be awake and to just be. But I manage the pain and push myself through that. But I can complain if I want without someone thinking I am lazy or don't want to work. I don't think anyone really wants to work but I do. I like the moving around and keeping busy. Sometimes I might want to stay home so I can be with my kids or just so I can lay around but that's being human. Who doesn't want to do that sometimes. I just wish people wouldn't judge or mistake words that come out of people's mouths and just get to know someone before you assume. On another note I am teaching emie how to use a spoon and feed herself. It is messy but she is doing it.(after she takes the bowl and drinks out of it lol) Planning the wedding is coming along. I just hate planning, I don't mind the creative arts part or the baking part, I just hate planning any party. I am not that gal. I also lost all of the baby weight and went down 5 dress sizes. Yeah!!!! I would like to get toned and lose some more pounds so I can feel more fit. I try to on my extra time have time to write on here, workout and do creative things for myself. But right now that isn't working. I will keep trying. Also I have my brother living with me. I love him very much and am very close with him. OK emie and i will enjoy listening to glee soundtrack while eating our breakfast. Enjoy the day everyone.

What to wear

So I am going back and forth on what the men in my wedding party should wear. My dress is really elegant and I don't want the guys to look like bums but at the same time I want them to not be comfortable. I was thinking of dress pants with dress shoes and a nice dress shirt. I just haven't decided on what color. I was thinking black with red trimmings. I have no idea what I am doing. This planning wedding stuff is hard. I look online and try to get ideas from other people. I have people saying they will help but no one has really stepped up to the plate and said hey what do you need help on and i will help you on that. Oh well. I am open to any one's suggestions since I am clueless.

Choices, regrets, consequences and feelings

My babysitter quit without a phone call to tell me that she wasn't coming in. I got all ready for work on Tuesday and she didn't show. So I called her and left her voice mails and texts. I usually find my babysitters/nanny on a babysitting website. So I put another ad on there to find a new sitter. Right now I am in the interview process again for the third time. Ugh. One of the candidates is someone I wanted to pick the second time but it was between her and the sitter who quit. The only reason I didn't pick her was her age. She is 20 although the recent sitter was 26 and sometimes you can't guarantee things with someones age. I get all of the email alerts from that site to my phone and the babysitter who just quit sent me a message. She is mad since I put a bad review of her services on her profile. So she decided to review me (sitters can't really), so she emailed me what she thought of me. Basically telling me how if someone worked for me they would only work 3 or 4 hours for only 2 or 3 days a week for 7 an hour. Which I explain to everyone that I interview that we can only afford 7 an hour because of what I get paid plus we can only give 15-25 hours a week depending on my hours and when Dale gets home. This wasn't a surprise to her, I explained it all before I hired her. Then she brought up a time when we paid her weekly in checks and they bounced. She decided instead of cashing them when she got them to cash them all at one time a month later at the same time as bills were being taken out of the account. We apologized and gave her money for late fees and the checks plus extra. Then she brought up about gas money and us not worrying about her gas. She lives in Woodstock which is a 30 minute drive. I gave her gas money from time to time. My responsibility is to pay her for her time not make sure she has money for every little thing. I am not her husband. She was always on her phone when she was here, she was late, making it very close to the time I started almost making me late. She was judgemental and ate alot of my food. But I'm the bad guy right. Ugh. I hate having to hire someone to watch my kids when I don't know what is going on when I am not home. I love working but sometimes I wish I didn't have to. My stress levels have reached so high lately I want to run away to a tropical place with a drink in my hand. I am planning the wedding on a very small budget. I don't believe in spending a lot on one day. I am trying to work to get extra hours so I have money for my bills and extra money for the wedding, the kids, saving accounts. I am nervous all the time about losing my job even though I haven't been written up or anything bad. I am just nervous because of being on unemployment and that boss who laid me off constantly telling me that I will still have a job. I need my confidence back so that I don't worry about that stuff. I am trying to find a stress reliever because the Internet and computer isn't enough for my stress anymore. I think I will start painting this week and maybe writing some songs to get rid of the stress. I used to write songs and poems and stories when I was stressed.(before kids) I try to tell myself that no matter what happens with work and money that it work out and that it is out of my control. Dale and I will find a way. I am not alone in this anymore. It is just hard and I want to hide under the bed till I am 50. I know it will be OK I just need to relax. I can't wait till my honeymoon. This week I have to start looking for a dress and start making the invites. And I have a birthday party this Sunday for the girls to get ready for. Busy Busy. And sometime in between all that I have to find time to hang out with friends. I miss that. It has been a long time.

Freedom is my question

Sometimes I wonder how much freedom I have on what I can write on here or what i can say in life. Sometimes I feel like I have to sensor what I say on here so I don't offend anyone or make anyone mad. So I say what I feel and think but not fully. I do that in life with certain people. People sometimes take me in a different way and think they know me because of how they perceive me. But unless they really know me, they don't who I really am. I have been through a lot in life. i am a better person  today then I was years ago. I will always grow and change myself. I just wish people would see that instead of my past. I hear people talking about my children as if they were  mistakes I should have gotten rid of. My choices are my choices, you don't have to understand them or like me. But they are my choices and i never regret the good choices. Most of the time I know what I am doing. In life you have to learn that the choices you make sometimes may not be the right one for that moment but in the long run it works out. i make the best choices I can for myself and my family. I just wish other people would keep their opinions to themselves. I don't judge you on how your life is run, why judge me. I have learned that I can't please everyone but myself and that I shouldn't listen to what other people say. It is just hard to when people won't stop talking all around you. I am a good person, i have a good sense of humor, I am positive every day and I have great work ethic. Yes there are a few things I need to work on. I am working on those things but instead of worrying about me and my mistakes. Why not worry about yourself and how to make yourself better. I just hate how it makes me feel when someone constantly points out my flaws. I will always do what I have to do to take care of my family and myself. I have been through hell  and back and came up ahead of it all. I will be fine. I just want the people who are in my life to walk with me not against me.