Sick babies and bad Internet

Along with being one, being sung happy birthday for the first time, saying a few words, drinking whole milk and learning new things, Emie is also getting her first cold. My poor baby is sneezing and sniffling. I feel bad for her. I have been giving her attention all day and catching up on my shows. I am so far back I am watching December shows. My Internet has Bern going on and off so I'm glad I download shows on vuze. I have not been getting a lot of sleep the last few days since Emie has been waking up. I really hope to get sleep tonight. I have been using every minute I have with thoughts for details on my wedding. There is so much to do. I love planning this I just wish I had more time for everything. I will be starting painting again and getting text books to enrich my mind. I can't wait. I look forward to it. I have found out how much I really love friends who are there for me. That wasn't sarcastic.

So much to do, so little brain power

So much is going on. Planning both girls birthday Party on the same day. Their birthdays are so close together that to have separate parties would be insane. The party will consist of Dale's family, my family, Emerald's friends (yes she has baby friends), my friends and Mikayla's school friends. Then on their actual birthdays we do something just for them with dinner and cake. Then I am planning my wedding which will be in June and the birthday party will be in march. I do have friends, family and of course Dale to help me with details. But I am still very stressed out. I over analyze an over detail everything. I think I change my mind about details probably every few days on anything in general I am planning. Plus I am trying to get more hours at work, which I succeeded in doing. Also trying to find time to read, write or do some me time creative thing. Did I mention I am doing the favors, cake, invitations, decorations and everything except for dresses and cake for the wedding as well as the birthday party. I really thought by doing this not only would I be saving money but I could express my creative side. See I knew I could find a way to do something for me and still do the things I need to do. I promise you I will only marry once, not just because I love him and know that he is the one for me and that he is my soul mate who I would be lost without, but because I could NEVER go through the STRESS of planning again, dealing with my family's input, other people's judgement AGAIN. Also I don't believe in DIVORCE. I believe if you really love someone and are sharing your life with them along with the commitment of marriage then you should fight for that relationship. I am not knocking people who are divorced or separated. That is just not for me. I have been with such crappy men and have still made an effort and fought for the relationship. Your mate should be someone who you are friends with, can't wait to run home to tell that person something you need to tell someone. Everyone is different. I just have strong beliefs in marriage, family and friendship. I come from a broken home and a divorce home. My mom was a single mother and I watched her struggle. I was a single mother and I struggled the day after day. Not saying you need a man to be happy or to survive. I don't, I just wanted someone to share my moments with. I have that. I am extremely grateful for that. Dale is my rock. I know when I have a bad day he will be there to make it better. I tell him everything as well as he tells me everything. OK enough of my beliefs, Emerald turned 1 today. I can't believe how fast the year went by. Her hair is growing, she is running and falling. She says a few words here and there,has her likes and dislikes. She is growing so fast. Today will be all about her. We will take her some where fun for her birthday and get a yummy cake. Then in nine days will be Mikayla's 11th birthday. Before you know it my kids will be all grown up. OK I just cried a little.

Thinking of past regrets

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I went to college. Will I ever go back and fulfill my dream as a nurse? Or will I only work jobs and never have a career. And how do I find time for me to express my creative side? I think of these things a lot. I am a creative person and sometimes I feel like I am hiding it. I feel like that part is sleeping. I also feel if I do spend time on that side that I am neglectingy obligations like the kids, the housework, and my man. So how do I fulfill myself but not feel guilty? I miss school. I know that sound weird but I lobe to learn and read new things. After I had mikayla I would buy different textbooks so I could learn something new. It might be tome for that again. I'm a person that always has to have knowledge around her. Always learning and growing. The last 10 years I have consumed my extra time with computer games or with Internet. I need to do that less and feed my knowledge more. Hopefully I can start this quest soon. Not sure where to start. As far as going back to school not sure where or if to start again there.

Things I need to learn

• How to be patient with myself if I don't do everything in one day
• As long as I do my job at work that is all that matters
• I can always improve myself and  be better, stronger and more of the person I need to be.
• Not to let anyone change my opinion about myself
• not to let anyone make me second guess myself
• To realize that is ok if I am not perfect
• Even if my child yells at me and tells me she hates me I am still a good mom and she will respect that when she gets older
• It's ok if I take some time for myself to be away from kids
• It's ok to work and be away from Emie, we spend tons of time together when I get home.