When patience isn't enough

It's been awhile since I have written in this and a lot has happened. I am 30 weeks pregnant and so done. I am glad third trimester moves fast but i wish it would go by faster. I have heartburn, back hurts all the time, hard to sleep at times, wake up numerous times through the night to go pee. My pre-eclampsia has started showing a little bit. There was a trace of it in my urine the last ob appointment so we wait for two weeks till my next appointment and if there is a higher amount they will decide from there what to do. My maternal fetal medicine doctor has told me that he will take my son out as early as 34 weeks if preeclampsia shows since it can get complicated with the pregnancy. So we will see. My diabetes is sorta getting into trouble with lots of upping my insulin at night since my fastening numbers have been super high. Its hard being pregnant and diabetic you want to eat everything sweet. 9 more weeks to go and jelly bean will be here. No I still don't have a name its either walker or Niko. Hubby wants Niko, I want walker but we  both like each name. So we are torn. So to be continued..... My Evil e will be 3 in February which I can't believe how fast time flies and how much she is growing,  talking, learning, and will no longer by my little baby. Stupid hormones making me sad and want to cry while writing this. Then there is my little sweet pea Mysterious m. She has recently been put in inpatient at a hospital for children and adolescents who have behavioral issues. She had a plan to kill herself and I had to act on it or I would never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.This past year has been a hard year for her and all of us. She has been more moody, aggressive, homicidal and suicidal. But a lot of these instances alone makes you think its a typical 12 year old trying to figure out who they are and nothing to worry about but in the big picture with all of it together you realize there is a mood disorder here. Which is where her doctors and I are at this moment. So far they think its bipolar and that makes sense to me. So we are running different test to make sure its nothing else and nothing medical. She has been really aggressive to her younger sister and a few times to myself. She has homicidal tendencies to myself and my husband a lot for the last six months. I just thought it was anger. I blame myself a lot for what is going on with her. I know its not my fault. But I knew that something like this would eventually happen since i have family members that have mental health problems. I shouldn't say I knew I should say I always worried that it would happen. I just want her happy and healthy. It is hard for me to not have her here with me, to see what she is going through and to not be able to make it go away. I know none of its my fault or hers or any ones. But as her mom i will blame myself time to time since that is what moms do. I did the best thing and put her where she is getting great care and counseling, medication and the testing that she needs. I see her twice a week for visiting hours and once a week for family counseling plus she talks to me 10 minutes every day but that doesn't take the whole in my heart away. It is hard but it would have been harder if i didn't do anything. But I still miss my baby. I can't wait for the day I can take her home and smother her with kisses till she screams. I just get sad because it is November and there is so much going on this month with my baby shower, birthday party for a cousin, thanksgiving, school stuff and for some of it she won't be out to see it. She was admitted Monday and it has only been a few days but so far they are talking a few weeks up to six maybe longer. I am hoping it will be on the shorter end. But I don't want her to come home to early and not get the care she needs. Plus being the weekend today is super hard on me. Because weekends are family time and we spend every moment with each other. We are a close family and being apart sucks. My natural instinct when I am sad is to eat crappy junk food and sweets. Being diabetic I can't do that. That sucks. So tonight we went grocery shopping and i overindulged in buying sweets that I will slowly eat instead of the binge eating i would love to do. I am going to try to occupy my mind this weekend it is just hard when i am sad. Plus during the week I am talking to her doctors, her school counselor, therapist for hours every day that I can't do anything for awhile which keeps me inside and makes me lonely. Its a tough time right now and I am so grateful for all of my friends and family who have shown love and support. I am trying to read, write or paint during the day to take my mind off of things for a few hours. My body is showing the stress by having a rough night sleep, stomach issues and feeling dehydrated but i take care of myself and that is all that i can do. Right now I am trying to remember just breathe. Just keep swimming is what comes to my mind and has always helped me when I come into rough spots in life. I love that movie. 80's music helps too especially foot loose makes me want to dance and the upbeat music helps uplift me. I needed to get this all of my chest and I promise to write more than a few months or weeks at a time. Dale got his wisdom tooth pulled out today and his mouth is hurting him so I have to finish writing so that i can give him some tlc and eat a late dinner.

New adventures in sleepy town

It has been two weeks since school started and I still hate getting up at 650/7am. I sometimes don't shower till 830. I have a routine going every morning and feel very accomplished. I am more tired now than I have ever been. I had energy in this trimester until I started waking up early. We even mad the night time routine better so kids are asleep in bed no later than 9, we can have adult time and he can be in bed by 10. Me not so much I read my book (which finally started to get good so I can finally get through it and onto the next book in that series) til either 11 or fall asleep reading it and wake up to go to the bathroom and shut off the light. But so far the night and day routine has worked out fine. I was proud of myself last week I finally got energy, motivation and cooperation from a little lady (emie) to do my house cleaning on Friday. There has been however problems with Mysterious m's attitude and behavior and now it is rubbing off onto her school work. It takes her 5 hours to do homework. Now I have to cut homework off at 6pm so she can do her little bit of chores and night time routine then she can finish homework. I have emailed the team leader (middle school grades are split into two teams) about her doing homework for 5-6 hours and having issues with it. She already knew that she was having issues before I emailed her, meaning she is showing this behavior at school. Great. I had to do the same thing last year with her last team leader. Last year was horrendous. She didn't turn in assignments on time or at all. She had bad organization skills where her homework was crumbled, thrown in locker, she didn't write assignments down in her assignment notebook, wasn't letting us check her homework and her grades were failing. Well only two were bad math and literature. After the team leader was working with us (I am not at school and can't see what she is doing there) her math grade went up from a c to an a! Her literature went from a D to a B! She did great and ended up on honor roll and was proud of herself. Now she is falling back into bad behaviors, when asked why she sasses back, doesn't care, doesn't do chores, doesn't do her homework she says I just don't care about life. I don't understand why someone who has a good life doesn't care. I had a bad life when I was her age and all I wanted was someone to care enough to discipline me, and show me the things i show her. She just doesn't get what I do for her instead she says I am mean when I punish her. WTF. Oh well what can I do. All I can do is just keep working with her team leader, keep the communication open with her and punish when needed. Emie has gone on a learning schedule. Which we always were on but I am more strict about it during school time. I teach her colors, alphabet, letters, numbers, different harder words, her full name, where she lives, she watches educational shows, reads educational books. I try my best to teach her the way i should. My new adventure has been starting a business with Avon. I decided to try to do it since I love Avon and it would be nice for some extra money. I have a website where you can buy online if you want. http://htenney.avonrepresentative.com/. So far my only customer has been my mom who bough a lot from me last campaign. The new campaign is 18 and is due in 6 days on 8/27. I am nervous that I won't sell this campaign. I really want my business to succeed. I have advertised on Craig's list, twitter, my Avon face book fan page:
https://www.face book.com/HeathersAvonMarkAndTinyTilliaPage
and I have even left books at Woodman's in Wisconsin along with some business cards i have. Still no new customers or orders. I gave some books to my mil, my mom and some family members. I am nervous this won't work. I am trying to stay positive. I just really want to be successful and make some extra money for my family. I stress out over money and this would help me not stress out. If you would like to buy online go on my site, if you would like to order directly through me you can email me at heathertenney@rocketmail.com and I will give you my info. I have some books for campaign 18 & 19. 19 is halloween stuff and I will be having a launch party for that campaign so people can see the product. So hopefully I can sell more and get more customers. Fingers crossed. My other adventure is this pregnancy. As you all know I am high risk so I go to my ob every 3 weeks, and a maternal fetal medicine doctor every 2 weeks. Today I will be seeing a dietitian for my diabetes. I am type 2 and have been since before my second, maybe before that. I had a few bad doctors that didn't care about my health issues before emie ( i was on public aid and they treated me badly), now I have awesome doctors who want to make sure I get the medicine I need for my multiple sclerosis and diabetes. I am having my thyroid checked out and my heart too. They are worried about these things. I see my new neurologist soon. So I am on a doctor schedule, that is the way my mfm likes it. So far baby boy is growing well and strong. Hes very healthy. Which is great news. I will write again soon need to take my blood sugar level and try to convince emie for us to leave house since I am bored. :)

Summer is almost over

I haven't been on in almost two months. It has been hard trying to keep a 12 year old and a 2 year old busy. Two different age groups is hard to keep occupied without hearing I'm bored from the older one. Although you still heard that word no matter what. Also the last month Evil e has decided that she would have a pacifier full time again and stop potty training. The past week I have weaned her off for a few hours at a time of the pacifier. She doesn't take it at bedtime. Potty training has been back to full affect the past week. Not sure why she did all this but I am assuming it might be the new baby growing in my tummy that she is jealous of. She is super excited and likes to hear his heartbeat (I have a home doppler so I can hear the baby)and talk to him. I have a video monitor and she thinks she can see the baby in my tummy with that she is confused that you have to wait for baby to come out before you see him lol. She is speaking so well in sentences, counting more and more excited about life in general. When her sister starts school on august 13, I will start teaching her pre-school stuff and doing more craft activities and more play dates. She loves to finger paint and draw. I am also thinking of getting her into some sort of dance class and gymnastics for toddlers. She loves to do both. For us summer is almost over since my oldest starts school on Monday. She will be in 7th grade. I can't believe how time flies by. Last year she improved her grades so much that she went on honor roll. I am so proud of her. This year she wants to keep that up. Sometime this week I have to take her to get her first day of school outfit. It is our tradition and spending us time. Its fun, she loves it a lot. My husband has been doing more overtime for extra money which is nice but I miss him. Still trying to work in a date night. Need to find a sitter first or train the 12 year old harder. I really would like to go to the movies or dinner without kids. Our us time usually is at night after kids go to bed. As for jelly bean we do have names picked out and some family members know. I might make it a vote on here, not sure yet about that. I suddenly just got a craving for a chicken sandwich from wendys. Ok back to writing lol. He is growing more and more, kicking more and this second trimester hasn't been too bad. First trimester was horrible. This is me so far and I am 17 weeks and counting. 
I can't wait to see him and hold him. As far as I go I have been slowly reading book 4 of 6 from vampire academy on my tablet. And I just want to get past this book it is slow and not enough action plus i want to hurry up and read this series so I can read the book I have been waiting for. Shadow of night by Deborah harkness. It is book 2 of 3. 3 unfortunately is not out yet and there is talk about a movie coming out for the first book. I loved that book so much i felt like i was cheating on the main character with my husband lol. You get involved in that book. I love that when that happens. All right will be heading off here so I can do my inventory/menu/grocery list. Later I will come back on and give some budget tips and explain my menu process. I have been asked by a few friends to tell them about it and I decided to do a blog on it.

My jelly bean

Jelly bean is what we call the baby. My husband was calling the baby tapeworm (he thought he was funny) and I thought jelly bean was nicer and more appropriate. So far jelly bean has made me extremely nauseous and I have a sour stomach every night. I wake up every night at 2am and can't fall asleep till 4 or 5 am. Partially because I am wide awake after going to the bathroom and partially because I now have a sour stomach so I am eating tums and thinking about things. Some of the things I think about are things I worry about. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I just do either it is from talking to someone or watching things on tv or reading about them. My worries right now have been about miscarriage and if this baby will be alive. I am constantly wondering about the baby inside when I am pregnant. I did this with both girls. Not as bad as I am now with this one but I still did it. Normally I worry in the third trimester. I think it might be because this time it was planned and this time I have someone who wants it as bad as I do. I strongly believe my children are miracles since I have one ovary (one was removed in 1996 when I had a huge softball sized cyst on my ovary and they couldn't remove my cyst without the ovary)and one of my Fallopian tubes is scarred from having an eptopic pregnancy and they removed the baby and there was scarring. So I full heartly believe my kids are miracles. I just can't believe that a universe that would give me a miracle would take that away. I know it happens and all baby are miracles. And I am not saying that the babies that aren't born aren't miracles. I believe they are too and all babies are. I just am trying to be positive and want a good outcome for myself. So the newest thing my jelly bean has given me is constipation. I have been in so much discomfort i started having a sharp pain so I called the doctor and they told me to take a stool softener and a fiber chew. Hopefully this works which I think it will. I can't wait for time to speed up and for me to meet this baby. I am only 8.5 weeks and I am ready to be done lol. It seems when you are pregnant that it takes forever and when the baby is born time flashes so fast that the child becomes grown. Look how fast time has flown for me. Mysterious m is 12 and Evil e is 2. As you can see in the pictures above they have grown so much. Mysterious m  is so tall and Evil e has hair. I love both my girls I wish they would not grow so fast. I just want them to be my babies forever. I love being a sahm to Evil e and teaching her new things. She knows her colors, abcs, is learning parts of Spanish and Italian, can count to 10. She talks more and more clearly. Mysterious m is entering 7th grade next year and is on honor roll. I love watching their different personalities and likes/dislikes. One is a tomb boy(Evil e) and one is a girly girl(mysterious m) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am also very excited that I have my 1 year anniversary on Monday to my awesome husband. I look forward to 50 more with him. I have known him for 10 years and am glad to have picked him as my soul mate. We are perfect together. Now I will go switch my laundry and finish making dinner. I won't wait so long to write another.

Mothers day and catching up

My mother's day was pretty good. I went out to eat with my in laws and visited with them after. My husband got me a crock pot, a canopy bench swing, a stand for my tablet and chocolates from see candies. He spoils me. (This is why I love him, j/k lol) My oldest bought me fake flowers and arranged them from me. (I am allergic to real flowers)I also found out we are pregnant (we will jump up and down and talk endlessly about it when i see baby on ultrasound on may 22). That was a good weekend then came the week and I am sick with tonsillitis and stomach issues thanks to the unmentionable #3. Typical for me in my condition that is one of the reasons I am high risk, low immune system. We have also had huge internet issues with it going out every day and sometimes I could only go on for a few minutes to only 2 hours a day, thankfully enough time to pay bills. So I have been going on the internet on my phone, not the same btw. And my phone has issues can't wait to upgrade that. I have not cleaned my house in awhile from not feeling good to being very tired to being busy I don't feel accomplished right now. So today I have a burst of energy right now for some reason and I plan on cleaning after I eat. I also plan in the next week on being very preschooling with my youngest and being more educational less tv on (although she doesn't really watch very much, I just don't like quiet, I know I am weird but I am use to lots of talking from when I was a kid and lived with grandparents, family.) I want to try busy bags and fun educational make your own games, plus my oldest will be out of school next Wednesday so we can go to pools, zoos, morton arboreteum more. Not like we haven't but more fun when we all can and since the weather is nice we can start going to Wisconsin where our family home is and go on the boat and swim and fish. Too bad I can't go on the inner tube because of unmentionable #3 but that is what happens when you want to be a mom. I also can't go on the jet ski but i will find other ways to have fun. I love summer and all the things you can do in it.

Prisoner of the terrible twos

Today I had an event set up for my mom's group that i am a leader of. Evil e woke up early at 7:45am because of mysterious m. So that was going to be a rough start no matter what. As i was going to take a shower, Evil e decided that she had to take one with me. I was fine with this. She got naked and we have a big enough shower with a glass door to fit two people (well two adults like six little emies lol)and she enjoyed washing her hair and body like a big person. Then i let her run around in her diaper while i finished getting ready.Her hair is naturally curly and it got even curlier running around. As you can see below. Then shortly after that she had an
explosion in her diaper of the runs. It was so gross and running down her legs. I cleaned her up and decided she needed time to see if she was going to get sick again before we went to the event. (just so you know i have stopped writing this four times to check on what trouble she is getting into) Than as I dressed her she had a complete melt down and didn't like her dress with leggings i put on. Yes she is that picky sometimes on what she wears. So i took it off and put on a shirt and she kept saying no shirt no shirt. This my friends is a bad emie day a day where i can't get out of the house because she throws tantrum after tantrum and i won't go anywhere with a screaming child. Instead we will read or watch movies at home. If she behaves we will go to the library or somewhere close. I always make events an hour or so away from where i live since there isn't much out here by me and i am trying to be fair to other members and there distances. But it always seems with emie and her terrible twos i can never get out the door. Sometimes i am even 30minutes -1 hour late to events. I feel guilty and feel like i should stay in the house away from everyone so that no one sees my bad terrible 2. Mysterious m didn't go through the terrible 2s like this. Hers wasn't so bad but now she is going through the terrible pre-teens. Sometimes with all of the crying and tantrums from both girls i just want to run to Tahiti or have a stiff drink. All i can do is try to get through the moment and hope to calm both of them down and survive through the day without killing children lol. Now that i got that out and i finally came back to blogging after 3 months i am going to take emie to a garage sale in  my neighborhood. Don't get me wrong i still want to do events and meet new moms. I especially want to meet moms in my town so i don't have to drive far for a social encounter i just don't know how to with her terrible 2s. I am in desperate need of mom friends to hang out with more and get close with. I so need and want a best friend who is not my husband. Tata for now since emie is throwing a fit since i wont let her run water in the sink lol.

lt's been awhile.

I know it has been awhile since I have written in this blog. I got busy with the holidays and sometimes I just don't feel like writing or talking. I know I shouldn't feel this way since it only makes me feel lonelier and more blue. But   its an old way that I use to deal with things. I have been trying more and more to get out of the house. I hate winter and it is hard for me to get motivated to go somewhere when i know that it is cold and usually to go to a fun place, I have to drive a pretty good distance. That is the same reason I don't see my friends. Most people and things I want to do is 35 minutes to an hour away but with a child who hates being in cars (as much as my little Evil e does), plus me hating how other people drive, those are the reasons I barely leave my house. Plus I don't like to spend a lot because of financial issues. But I finally said I can't do this anymore. I have been fighting depression all winter long and enough is enough. So a little each week I go out like one or two days a week with emie. (hey baby steps, i would like to do more but once or twice a week is a start). I am also going to try to limit tv time for evil e during the day and be more organized with time. I am going to treat home like it would be for her at school. I am going to have a music time, art time, learning sign language time(i have taught her since she was six months but not consistently),learning numbers and letters time. I want to feel like I am actually teaching her something and that we are interacting more. I know that she knows a lot of words and is very smart. We do play a lot with each other each day but I need structure for me so that I am not bored during the day as much as I am. This way I can cut down my computer time. I am addicted to my computer and Internet. I am always playing on facebook or doing something online. I want to cut that down when emie is awake, mikayla is home from school and when my hubbie is home. My goal is to  give emie the structured time she needs then real me time(which is during nap time and which consists of reading a book, painting or scrap booking. Things I keep saying I will get to but am tired of making excuses and am doing it now). Then when Mysterious m comes home after homework I will give her quality time and the same with my husband. I do give everyone attention but feel I need to give more. I am feeling like because I don't work anymore outside of the home that I  am not really doing anything. I do cook,clean and take care of kids but am not feeling my purpose in life. So structure will be good for me.