Misunderstood

I try to write as honest and open as I can. With that saying I might have some people who don't agree with me or who think there is something wrong with me. I am not going to be miss sunshine. I'm usually in a good mood but sometimes I get stressed or frustrated. We all get that way. I think some people over analyze me or my feelings. I really am simple. I love my kids and hubby. Sometimes I want to shake them and see id candy comes out or if that just makes them better,like a reset button by shaking them and no I really don't shake kids, well at least not mine ;) . I try not to judge people  I know we all do because of morals or meanness or just because we can. You know you are judging me right now since I'm barefoot ;) )I just want not to be judged but instead to be looked at as a person who is just trying to do the best she can to survive it all.

When I'm lonely doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a friend.  I have friends but I don't always have time for play dates and get togethers with naps, cleaning, work, playtime, and hubby as most women don't have time. And I have come with the understanding over time that I'm ok with that. I see my friends when i can or talk by email, text, phone or face book. When I'm frustrated or sad or stressed doesn't mean that I need medication or counseling or medical help. Means I need a break, some me time, some wine time. I just want people to understand me not judge or try to change me.

 I am a bitch, a sweetheart, a mother, a lover, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a loudmouth, a potty mouth, a smart ass, a comedian (or at least I think I am funny), a cook, sometimes a drama queen, a good listener, a survivor and a very strong person. So just because I let you into my life and tell you all my dirty secrets (shhhhh), doesn't mean that you can shake your finger at me. I am just like you but I have red hair, yes its out of a bottle and yes I will be covering those roots soon, geesh I told you to not judge me. I know my icky brown is showing and no your brown is not icky, but mine is just gross to me, I sometimes look like a model when I can do my hair and makeup, I am a good person or try to be and just want people to understand what it is to be a mother of three, stay at home, part time work, one child is bipolar with aspergers.

 All of that is hard plus having multiple sclerosis but I somehow find a way to make it all work and this chronicles those ways and help others to feel not alone and for me to not feel like the crazy mom that i sometimes feel like.

Grumpy old men

So Mysterious M is home. My husband picked her up Wednesday night. An hour after being home she started rolling her eyes and giving attitude. Yesterday morning she started a fight with me and again in the evening. Today she is texting me on her way to school that it's too hard for her. I asked what, she replied school, homework, things are overwhelming. She was doing coping skills in the hospital to cope with different stresses, bipolar episodes, anger issues, life in general and since being back has not done one. She has to try to make an effort. I have no idea how to motivate this child to doing what she has to do since she doesn't care. I just want to shake her sometimes and scream we love you!!!!!

I am terrified she will kill herself while I am sleeping. Being in the hospital doesn't change anything in her. I know life is hard for her being bipolar, aspergers and a girl. But if she can't handle being a teenager how is she going to do it when she is an adult?! I work with her therapist, school counselor, psychiatrist, get her testing for the aspergers, even put her on medication for her depression and my dad said are you sure you are doing everything?! He thinks I am too hard on her. He sees us every two weeks on a Wednesday, sometimes I am yelling at her or my husband is when he is over (he didn't see the argument she started since she came home) and he will tell me that I am not patient enough or that I yell too much or that I am not a good parent.

Are you fricking kidding me?! Unless you are in my shoes day in and day out you have no clue as to what I am doing, the sacrifices I make, the steps I take. It is so easy to judge when you think you are the father of the year. Didn't know father of the year awards went to men who abandon their children at the age of 8, beat them, never hug or show them love. That is how my dad was when I was a child and you want to give me advice! I am open to criticism and am always open to different ideas on how to make life easier and better for her and all of my kids but please don't attack me as a person when you have no idea even what bipolar or aspergers is. He thinks that just means she is a difficult teen. Ugh he makes me so frustrated I just want to take his head and shove it up his ass. Ok scary rant over, but my dad seriously makes me very angry. We have gotten closer over the years and we decided years ago that he can be my dad but not my father. Meaning he can't parent me since I am 33 and when he did come back in my life I was 17 and way too old for him to parent.

 He may not agree with my decisions or my parenting style but I am the adult and I will learn from my mistakes and change things. Sometimes he is just such a grumpy old man and that movie was great but he is not as cool as Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau were in that movie. That is one of my all time favorite movies. My dad would be the bitchy one that they would kick out of the neighborhood :) . Ok just kidding maybe they wouldn't do that but they would slap him around a bit until he stopped being so bitchy. I love him and he is an overall great guy but he sucks as a dad. Back to Mysterious M, I really want things to get better for her. I want her to see what I see. When I text her remember you are loved, a beautiful person, see things positive like I do, she texts back I know. Ugh that is all you can say after I am being the cheerleader here, I just want to shake my head and sit in a corner until someone shakes some sense in that girl. She used to be my little girl that watched disney movies with me and now she is my little girl that says "i hate you", "will you shut up" and "I wish you would leave".

 I think all parents should have a vacation home when kids are in teenager years we can live at until its over. Its even more chaotic when your child has a special need. My life consists of chocolate,coffee and a bottle of wine on occasion. Hoping this weekend will be no fighting, no talking back and doing as told. Ok I almost spit my coffee out when I wrote that. Ok I know I can be delusional at times but maybe the universe will give me that gift.......Just maybe

Warning its dark

I keep having the song “I can’t change” by mackelmore in my head. And it is starting to feel like my theme song lately.  I am lonely and have so much on my plate that I am ready to burst. I have no support system. Yes I have a loving husband, yes I have a loving family. But I am a hard nut to crack and this nut is cracking. It is hard for me to open up to them and tell them what is going on. I have told my husband and he just pushes it aside. I am going to break soon! I want to scream and shout “Why won’t you see world that if no one holds me and tells me that it will be ok and give me the support I will break!” I don’t mean cry and have a break down in front of you. I mean end it all. My worst fear of it all. I am the glue to this family to everyone and right now the glue is unsticking. The glue is cracking, peeling and melting.

 Won’t someone help this glue before it can never stick again?! I am not saying suicide is the answer or that a break down is. I am saying I am lonely, tired, stressed, need a break  and need someone there for me. Please help this glue so that I don’t break.  I miss my mom right now more than ever. But until she notices that she needs help for her schizophrenia I can’t be around her. I have so many issues that I have overcome that it would truly suck if all of this was my end. I just want my mom or a mom. I have my mother in law, but I feel ashamed to tell her what is going on. I come from a dysfunctional family and she is normal. Whatever that is. But she is not dysfunctional neither is my husband, so they don’t understand the demons I slay inside on a daily basis so that I can overcome the demons for my child. I do so much for my children and my family but sometimes it all catches up to me and my demons strangle me until I have no more breath inside and I just want to scream! 

Writing this out feels better. As I started to have kids I forgot to write and now I am left with this shell that will crack easier than it did before. I used to write poems, stories, anything to let all the demons out. I would paint, sing, because I am talented in those areas. I once had a poem posted all over the school paper and in the school because my teacher was so proud of my poem. That person took a back seat to herself while this shell took over to raise kids. I need to find that demon slayer again so that I can survive all this. I have been alone my whole life. A lone wolf that has been through a lot and has overcome everything all by myself. I am use to being alone. 

Sometimes I prefer it over the drama of people. I need her back. I am trying to find her more and more before all of this drowns me. This was very hard to write since i had to be very open and expose myself. But I had to do it. I had to bare all. I make excuses to ignore myself and the things i need like writing, painting and just being by myself. I have to take myself back before its too late. Thank you mackelmore for giving me my theme song through this dark moment.