Catching up

I know its been awhile since I have been on here. I have been busy with life. I know it's no excuse and I promise to never do it again. To catch you up Halloween was so much fun. I have a family tradition that the adults dress up in anything they want (as long as they use there imagination). This year was fun and awesome. I dressed up as my husband on the job. He works as a generator diesel technician and that is what I dressed as. Below is a picture of me on the left. My oldest mikayla in the middle. My dad on the right. Below all of us is my husband and emerald. Evil e is snow white. She was walking around with an apple while trick or treating. We trick or treated for about two hours before getting cold. We also did some pretty cool carvings on our pumpkins. I love Halloween it is my favorite holiday. I have been going to the dentist every week to have my teeth fixed. I have periodontal disease so I have had a deep cleaning on both sides of my mouth, next is to fill the seven cavities I got while being pregnant with Evil e. Then after all that I have a root canal to do to my left upper molar after cracking it over 15 months ago. The final thing will be to extract my wisdom tooth(third one I have had pulled) which has a cavity and they don't want to keep it once it starts giving problems. So each week I go through the numbness of the Novocaine and the pain of my teeth. But eventually we will get them all done. I am excited for Monday's since one of my close friends comes over to my house and we have a coffee date and chit chat all day. I look forward to that day. I am still trying to get out of the house a little a day and have play dates each week although it doesn't happen all the time. Sometimes it can be weeks before I have a play date. It is just hard driving to see friends who live over 35 minutes away when Evil e hates car rides. It doesn't matter what I do to entertain her, music, toys, pacifier or DVD, she still wants to get out of her car seat and leave the car. I still get a little overwhelmed about money and bills but not as much anymore. I am trying to live life to the fullest with my family and penny pinch as much as I can. A few weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I was so excited that i put it out on facebook and told all my relatives. I started bleeding the next day and didn't feel like a period. I went to the e.r(I so need a doctor) and they found out that the test was a false positive. I felt so crushed and so stupid. I felt stupid for going to the er for a period and for the fact that i got a false positive. But what can you do. It wasn't my fault, it was just a let down. For now I stopped keeping track of my fertile days like we have done for the past year and just focused on making sure we make love 3-4 times a week. All you married people know that with kids, keeping a house in order and work means your more tired and just want to sleep and not do anything. Doesn't mean I don't want it or that I don't love him, its just sometimes with running around after Evil e and the multiple sclerosis, I am so tired it hurts to be awake. So sometimes I would rather sleep than be that intimate. So now we are trying to focus on us and being more intimate so that are relationship stays healthy and we stay connected. (By the way we were only intimate 4-7 times a month before) I know it may be too much information for all of you but I have to be honest if I am going to be true to myself on here. I have also been seeing my mom more and more either at my house or in public places. We are working hard on our relationship and so far it is good. I am really happy with my life. Today we had to put locks on our pantry, our extra freezer we have in the laundry room, these huge glass cabinets we have in the living room, since our oldest has decided to cheat & without asking eat our ice cream and all dairy  products. (In case everyone did not know my oldest has been allergic since birth to dairy which means no butter,cheese, milk absolutely no dairy at all. We have to read a lot of labels to make sure there is no dairy in it) She eats soy ice cream, soy yogurt, soy milk and soy snacks. But from time to time she cheats. I have been getting up at 630am to get ready and be downstairs before she starts her morning at 7am. When I wasn't downstairs right away was when she was cheating. So now I have to watch her like a hawk to make sure she is eating right and is doing her morning chores. If anyone thought raising a pre teen would be easy they are mistaken. But I have patience and I know we can over come all of this. Plus her grades have dramatically proved from this year to last year. She will get past this, I know it. OK all I am very full from eating a frozen yogurt treat from Yumz and watching gnomeo and Juliet that I think I will go to bed.

When it rains it pours

Lately I have been MIA with friends and doing play dates. It isn't because i don't want to see them. It is solely because of all of the stress from bills and money issues. I have still had a coffee all day in house friend session with my bestie on Monday's. If not for her I would not have any adult interaction except for my hubby and brother. I haven't left the house in three weeks except for grocery shopping or family get togethers like birthdays, baby showers and wedding showers. I try to leave to go on an outing outside of home or a play date but I don't want to spend any money in fear of all of the money issues since I am the one who pays the bills and sees everything. I hate knowing sometimes. Just as I was finding solutions to things I get hit with another problem. I had a dentist appointment today for a tooth I cracked a year ago. I never got it fixed since i didn't have insurance. So I found out that my periodontal disease isn't resolved and i need a deep scaling again on both sides plus I have 8 cavities plus a wisdom tooth that is having issues so it will be pulled out plus the cracked tooth needs a root canal. This was not what I was expecting. So now I have to cover all of this after the insurance or I will lose teeth. I really need a break from bad stuff and money issues. Or I need to win the lottery. I pick option b lol. OK since that won't happen I am trying to find ways to make my money problems easier. I have often thought and discussed about me going back to work but we agreed it can't happen since I will be paying for a sitter. I apply all the time for babysitting/nannying jobs but when they see that my 19month old is with me they don't want to hire  me because they don't think I can focus on their kid and mine. I do go online every day and do surveys that pay me money but its not a lot. I am not complaining because every little bit counts. I try to stay positive and find ways to make everything work but things start to pile up and the stress gets to me. So I stay in the house so i don't spend any money and I am going crazy in this house. I miss my friends. I also decided on finding play groups in my town since the moms group I was in was at my old address that I lived a year ago and most events are not always close for me. I don't mind driving distances to see people but sometimes it just gets hard with Evil E's nap time. I really need adult conversation. I get depressed and lonely sometimes but I am trying. I am grateful for the friends I do have and the family I have.

sometimes you win

Today I had a good day. I am very proud of myself for saving over 70 dollars on groceries. Normally we spend around 250 each week on groceries. Which for me is insane. I hate spending that much money. I coupon clip every week either by newspaper or online. I have read other blogs and bought on sales but nothing worked until I got smart and figured it out for myself. What worked for me was to make an inventory of all of the things that we have in the house food wise. Then I sat down and made a menu from that inventory. I made a menu for two weeks. The next step was to add on the grocery list only the items I needed from the menu after using things from the inventory. The result a grocery bill of 180. I plan on making that a lower bill next week. I also have looked up recipes so that we are not having the same things over and over again. There is also a leftover sheet on my wall, so when we have leftovers we write down what the item is and what date we put it in the fridge. I did this because my hubby was constantly asking how old is this? Sometimes I would remember but I decided this was a better way. When we eat a leftover it is crossed off. Also every Thursday we have a leftover night where we eat what leftovers we want and Friday we throw away the whatever is a week old. This way food is not wasted and we aren't making science experiments. My wall by my dishwasher looks like a paper wall lol. There is a grocery list, leftover list, inventory list and list of rules for my oldest. Plus we have two whiteboards. One is for the reading competition my oldest and I are having. The other is a list of daily chores and punishments for the oldest, plus dates of when I last did the household chores(see because of my multiple sclerosis, I sometimes forgot when I do things, so this helps me having reminders). Also we use it to put up list of things we want to do like clean the garage, mail letters, stuff like that. I know I am a bit of an organizer freak, but I like being structured it helps me. Another good thing that happened today was my oldest came home from school and started on her homework without anyone asking. She finished it in an hour and gave it to me to check it. Then she went upstairs and started on her chores with out me asking. I was so happy for her behavior that I went upstairs and told her how proud I was. She said she just felt like being good. It was a good night with no arguing by her and a good visit with my dad(which we do on Wednesdays). Also got to try out this frozen yogurt place by my house called yumz. It was so yummy. You walk in and get a container and fill it with whatever flavor yogurt you like then add toppings then weigh then pay. It was fun. A good ending to a good day. I am so proud of myself today and I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. I also decided today that on a daily basis or at least a few times a week I will put makeup on and do my hair to feel pretty and boost my self esteem. You see I normally don't wear makeup anymore well I do but only eyeliner and eyebrow pencil unless I go out to see friends. And I usually throw my hair up in a bun or ponytail when I am home. I am starting to feel homely and have low self esteem. So besides the feeling pretty part I will also start to walk every day at night with my hubby and kids so I am not stuck in the house and so that I can stay toned up. I decided to not feel so bored but to do something about it. Also during nap time I will read and paint and not just stay glued to the laptop. Today I feel motivated.

When you feel like your not good enough

I am having a real bad day today. I haven't left the house in over a week except for errands. I do go outside to either the park or my back yard but that's about it.I am having a hard time with my oldest and it is making me feel like I am a failure as a parent and a woman. I punish her to the point that everything is taken away. She doesn't care. On a regular basis she doesn't bring her homework home and she gets punished but she doesn't care. I have emailed teachers and followed up like a hawk on assignments but I just don't know what to do. I know a lot of this is her age and pushing boundaries but its just hard on me. I lock myself in the house punishing myself thinking I did something wrong for her to be this way. I really feel alone. I do the best as I can as a parent. Being a parent is never easy. I just don't know what to do. Am I a bad mom? I stopped talking to my family because too many of my aunts and uncles were saying things like I wasn't a good mom or deserved to have kids. Is this true? Were they just saying the truth and I was getting offended because I didn't want to know the truth at the time. I am hitting a low point right now and am scared to be this vulnerable on this blog but the same time I need to get it all out. I have so many emotions bottling up and I feel like I will explode. I feel so alone and feel like I suck as a person. Will I mess my other children up as well? I am trying to get out of this funk but I have felt strange for over a week. I haven't been sleeping well, I am really stressed, I am bored and lonely. I decided today I would find time to do arts and crafts with the kids but most of all I would find time for me to go to my room and paint. I just feel like I need a hobby or a creative outlet to get all of this stress out. I really need a friend right now and a big hug. Maybe I will make cupcakes or something chocolate to make me feel better. Sometime last week when I was having a bad day with my oldest, my hubby gave me this.

I know my hubby is here for me and I appreciate it. I really do. It's just hard after being a single mom for so long to realize you are not alone and you have someone there to help hold the burden of the house, help with the kids, the bills, everything.

Doing charitable things can be good for the soul

My husband has recently called me the free-cycle queen. I love to check my email and see what others are offering and what thing I can get for the kids. For those of you who don't know what free-cycle is it is a website where you can recycle the things you were already getting rid of and give it to people who need or want those items. There are towns in every state that have one. I don't always take things, I do offer as well. I offered 18 items yesterday and all day today people have been picking them up. This way I don't have to throw away things I don't want. I think whoever came up with this site was a genius! But I have encountered that some people can be a little greedy and think that because they have problems and you are giving things away that you should give away everything you have to them because there in need. I had multiple email conversations with a woman who has two children 5 and 10 months. She is on wic, food stamps and unemployed. She was wondering why I wouldn't with all of my youngest clothes and toys. I told her the things she wasn't using I was keeping in case the next child we have is a girl. I understand her predicament because I was a single mom for years. I was on wic, unemployment and food stamps. But I would never act as if it was someoneelses problem or fault that i was in that predicament. I did what I had to do for my kids and myself. That is what you have to do. I am not saying that you shouldn't get help- if you can get it, you should get it. I just think you shouldn't expect anyone to help you. There are churches, mom organization's that help women in trouble with food or clothing. There are also donation places like Amway. You can get help. I am helping her out with the things I can give. I just feel a little hurt and used when someone is yelling at me when I am helping them. I didn't do this to you but I will help you. So please be nice to me. That's all I ask. I believe we need a little more generosity and kindness in this world. On another note Miss Evil Ewalks around shaking her head and saying no a lot. I have to love almost two year olds. I also am loving the last day of summer but still feel like ick with my allergies/sinus/cold thing I have going on.

Some thoughts

I love this fall weather.I love when it is not too hot and not cold. In the 70s is perfect weather for me. All of the windows are open and the breeze in here is awesome. I feel accomplished today since I have the house cleaned. I have to clean the house when my hubby comes home instead of trying to do it when Evil E is sleeping since her wake up time differs day to day. She always gets 12  hours of sleep which the doc says is good. We went to the doctor on Tuesday and she is in the 95 percentile for her height but her weight is 33 percent. They say she is slim although the kid can eat a lot. But since she is tall and very active she burns all the weight off. My oldest was the same way as a baby and still is. She got three shots and we need to go back next month for three more than she is caught up till she is 2. In two weeks I take Mysterious M to the doctor for her shots and six grade physical. Then its time for me to go to doctor. Fun Fun not. I need to check on why I can't get pregnant after a year of trying and to check on my multiple sclerosis and the way it is progressing. I can definitely feel the change in weather, I have a sinus headache and can feel my sinuses dripping. Evil e has a cold for a few days. Very minor could be reaction to shots or a cold starting. Her eating habits though are sometimes she is interested sometimes not. I usually let her snack if she didn't eat all her breakfast or lunch. She eats better for hubby then me. I have been thinking a lot lately about what I can do to change the world. I know it sounds strange or a very large thought but I want to change the world and be remembered. I do recycle and help others but I want to do something for the history books. Just not sure what. I am open to suggestions. I am also looking for babysitting/nanny work to keep me occupied, give Evil e a playmate and some extra money but so far no luck except for the occasional friend babysitting. I am thinking of starting some arts and crafts for Evil e and I to do during the day. I am also thinking of studying a textbook for fun to keep me occupied during the week. I still am going to go back to school but I am one of those rare weird people who need to keep giving themselves knowledge so I don't get bored with life. I know strange. I am proud of myself this week I have made an active step in fixing a problem in my marriage the bedroom part. It is on my part I have the issue (not sure if I will get in detail on here), it comes from issues from my past. But we are making hedge way. So I am proud of myself. Thinking today is a walk kind of day. I want to go for a walk each day with Evil e so I can lose the few pounds I gained by being a chocoholic.

The silent enemie

Last night I was feeling really dizzy and nauseous. It wouldn't go away no matter what I tried. Also it hurt bad to swallow. Then I became incoherent and couldn't move my legs. My husband took me to the emergency room. They ran my blood and put an iv in me. My potassium and calcium was low. But more important than that my multiple sclerosis is progressing worse. Because Multiple sclerosis is a silent disease where you can't see every little thing it does to me people don't understand when you are walking with a cane, slur your words, forget what things are called, why sometimes you can get very emotional for no reason, trip over yourself, be so tired it hurts and in so much pain in your body you just want to evacuate your body. I get frustrated that no one close to me but my father and brother have done the research to see how my disease affects me on a daily basis. I was diagnosed in 2003 when i had a mini stroke. They did all the tests MRI, cat scan and two spinal taps. I had a neurologist and was on medication for awhile but it conflicted with being a mom so I stopped taking it and the doctor wasn't listening to me so I stopped going to her. I am in the process of finding a new neurologist and doctor since I have insurance from my husband and not public aid anymore. I just feel alone sometimes with this disease. I know there is a lot of people who have the same disease and I am a member of the Multiple Sclerosis Society but it is hard being in my circle of friends and family being the only one with this disease and no one really understanding it. I just wish that someone would understand all of the pain and uncomfort I go through every day. Sometimes I wake up and am so tired it hurts to be awake. It is hard to have a disease like this and have kids. I do the best I can and I keep going and I usually have my head held high and don't let this disease affect my well being but it is hard. Really hard to not let it affect me. I just wish I could make it go away. I know what doesn't kill me will make me stronger but this will actually kill me. All I can do is just keep swimming (thanks dori for the inspiration, love finding nemo). Below is some information about multiple sclerosis.  Ssymptoms of MS are:Tingling, Numbness, Loss of balance, Weakness in one or more limbs, and Blurred or double vision. 

As the disease progresses, other symptoms may include muscle spasms, sensitivity to heat, fatigue, changes in thinking or perception, and sexual disturbances.

• Fatigue . This is a characteristic and common symptom of MS. It is typically present in the mid afternoon and may consist of increased muscle weakness, mental fatigue, sleepiness, or drowsiness. Physical exhaustion is not related to the amount of work performed; and many patients with MS complain of extreme fatigue even after a good night's sleep.  
• Heat sensitivity . Heat sensitivity (the appearance or worsening of symptoms when exposed to heat, like a hot shower) occurs in most people with MS.
• Spasticity . Muscle spasms are a common and often debilitating symptom of MS. Spasticity usually affects the muscles of the legs and arms, and may interfere with a persons ability to move those muscles freely.
• Dizziness. Many people with MS complain of feeling "off balance" or lightheaded. Occasionally they may experience the feeling that they or their surroundings are spinning; this is called vertigo. These symptoms are caused by damage in the complex nerve pathways that coordinate vision and other inputs into the brain that are needed to maintain balance.
• Impaired thinking . Problems with thinking occur in about half of people with MS. For most, this means slowed thinking, decreased concentration, or decreased memory. Approximately 10% of people with the disease have severe impairment that significantly impairs their ability to carry out tasks of daily living.
• Vision problems . Vision problems are relatively common in people with MS. In fact, one vision problem, optic neuritis, occurs in 55% of people with the condition.This can result in blurring or graying of vision or blindness in one eye.  However ,most vision problems in MS do not lead to blindness.
• Abnormal sensations. Many people with MS experience abnormal sensations such as "pins and needles," numbness, itching, burning, stabbing, or tearing pains. Fortunately, most of these symptoms, while aggravating, are not life-threatening or debilitating and can be managed or treated.
• Speech and swallowing problems . People with MS often have swallowing difficulties. In many cases, they are associated with speech problems as well. They are caused by damaged nerves that normally aid in performing these tasks.
• Tremors . Fairly common in people with MS, tremors can be debilitating and difficult to treat.
• Difficulty walking. Gait disturbances are amongst the most common symptoms of MS. Mostly this problem is related to muscle weakness and/or spasticity, but having balance problems or numbness in your feet can also make walking difficult.

What Are the Types of Symptoms?

It is helpful to divide the symptoms into three categories: primary, secondary, and tertiary.

Primary symptoms are a direct result of the demyelination process. This impairs the transmission of electrical signals to muscles (to allow them to move appropriately) and the organs of the body (allowing them to perform normal functions.) The symptoms include: weakness, tremors, tingling, numbness, loss of balance, vision impairment, paralysis, and bladder or bowel problems. Medication, rehabilitation, and other treatments can help keep many of these symptoms under control.

Secondary symptoms result from primary symptoms. For example, paralysis (a primary symptom) can lead to bedsores (pressure sores) and bladder or urinary incontinence problems can cause frequent, recurring urinary tract infections. These symptoms can be treated, but the ideal goal is to avoid them by treating the primary symptoms.

Tertiary symptoms are the social, psychological, and vocational complications associated with the primary and secondary symptoms. Depression, for example, is a common problem among people with MS.

What Causes the Symptoms?

Demyelination, or deterioration of the protective sheath that surrounds nerve fibers, can occur in any part of the brain or spinal cord. The symptoms that people with MS experience depend on the affected area. Demyelination in the nerves that send messages to the muscles causes problems with movement (motor symptoms), while demyelination along the nerves that carry sensory messages to the brain causes disturbances in sensation.

Are Symptoms the Same in Every Person?

Multiple sclerosis follows a varied and unpredictable course. In many people, the disease starts with a single symptom, followed by months or even years without any progression of symptoms. In others, the symptoms become worse within weeks or months.

There are four courses that MS takes:

• Relapsing-remitting MS: characterized by unpredictable acute attacks, called "exacerbations," with worsening of symptoms followed by full, partial, or no recovery of some function. These attacks appear to evolve over several days to weeks. Recovery from an attack takes weeks sometimes months. The disease does not worsen in the periods between the attacks. This pattern usually occurs early in the course of MS in most people.
• Primary-progressive MS: characterized by a gradual but steady progression of disability, without any obvious relapses and remissions. This form of disease occurs in just 15% of all people with MS, but it is the most common type of MS in people who develop the disease after the age of 40.
• Secondary-progressive MS: initially begins with a relapsing-remitting course, but later evolves into progressive disease. The progressive part of the disease may begin shortly after the onset of MS, or it may occur years or decades later.
• Progressive-relapsing MS: This is the least common form of the disease and is characterized by a steady progression in disability with acute attacks that may or may not be followed by some recovery. People with progressive relapsing MS initially appear to have primary progressive MS.

What Is a True Exacerbation (Relapse) of Multiple Sclerosis?

A true exacerbation of multiple sclerosis is caused by an area of inflammation (swelling) in the nerves of the brain and spinal cord system followed by something called demyelination, which is the destruction of myelin. The myelin is the fatty sheath that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers.

Demyelination results in the formation of an abnormal area called a plaque within the brain and/or spinal cord. A plaque causes the nerve impulses to be slowed, distorted, or halted, producing the symptoms of MS. One example of an exacerbation of MS would be the development of optic neuritis, an inflammation of the optic nerve (which is in the back of the eye) that impairs vision.

An exacerbation of MS may be mild and not cause a noticeable impairment in functioning or may significantly interfere with a person's daily life. Exacerbations usually last from several days to several weeks, although they may extend into months.

Exacerbations or relapses of MS are often treated with medications calledcorticosteroids. These drugs reduce inflammation. It is generally accepted that taking corticosteroids for a short amount of time will shorten an exacerbation and/or reduce the severity.

The princess and the pea

Yesterday Emie decided her wake up time was at 830 instead of her normal 1030. I think it is because she is in a toddler bed and not her crib. No biggie just means I have to cut my morning stuff short. So I get her and she is crabby most of the morning and we watched a movie(which usually calms her down). After the movie she decided to tear apart the house and run around crazy. When nap time came around she was ready to go upstairs but didn't want to go to sleep. She wanted to play and have me in there. So I laid her down and said good night and left. I would hear her play for a min then I would go in there and tell her to lay down. I did this three times till she finally fell asleep for only 1 hour and 45 minutes. Her normal nap is 2-3 hours. So we will see what happens today on the sleep schedule. My hubby and I also bought her a toddler comforter for her bed and it is princesses and she was so excited! Yesterday was full of crabbiness, diaper explosions(  I gave her too many blueberries), screaming kids and crazy dogs. Today I hope for it to be less chaotic. ( I said hope, I know I know it probably won't happen but I can wish). I found this nail polish that is a sticker but real nail polish and you stick it on your fingers and file the access off and i love it. I tried three different brands and only one of them worked. I might buy more of this. There is a picture of it at the top of this. I have to hurry and drink my coffee before little miss princess wakes up.

Fabulous Friday- fun Fun weekend

Here are the things I am grateful this weekend:

• Spending time with my family
• Family birthday party tomorrow so I get to spend time with all of my family
• working on cleaning out the garage more
• washing the cars
• swimming and playing on the trampoline
• maybe going to a movie with the hubby
• sleeping in late
• staying in my PJ's

Looking behind me

I have often caught myself the past week thinking about the past few years and seeing what is different. I no longer live with my mom and have three people in a bedroom( me, my oldest and my youngest). I am happily married with each kid having their own room. I was on unemployment during my pregnancy and before that worked 6-7 days a week. Now I am a stay at home mom who gets to be with her kids 24/7. I had an active social life where I went out after work or on weekends. I barely go out by myself on weekends and I try to have play dates with friends at least twice a week. I do get lonely at times being at home during the day. A lot may have changed but I am grateful for it since it was in the better. Sometimes I do miss the old days of things but I make the best of that moment. I try to keep myself as occupied as I can so I am not too lonely in the daytime. I do a lot with my youngest. I just wish I lived closer to my friends and new more people near me. I also sometimes miss my side of my family. I wish I had a family that was closer to me in the terms of bonding not distance. My family unfortunately is not very close in that sense. They get together every holiday but at the same time they have a tendency to be extremely judgemental and not forgiving of peoples pasts. I long for a real relationship with them and my mom and I try but they can't see past my past or stop being judgemental. They don't try to get to know me or my new family. Instead they judge people and it hurts me. I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about it on here but I decided it maybe someone will see and have good advice. All I have ever wanted was my family to be a family and not an episode of a soap opera. For now I will distance myself from them and have no contact with them until I can see that they want to change and want to be in a real relationship with my family. It is sad for me since I am so family oriented. I just wish they could see what I see. I don't understand why people have to be that way. Life is too short.

Is it nap time yet?

Today I cleaned the house and started washing sheets from the beds. (something I do on Mondays) All before Emie woke up from bed. While I was cleaning the house my oldest called me from school. I called her back and the school  told me should would call back so i made sure my ringer was on high and I didn't miss the call. I went in the shower so that i was dressed and ready for the day. I heard the phone ring and I made a mad dash out of the shower. (Forgot to tell you I have a glass door on my shower) So as I made my mad dash I slammed and scraped the door so hard that I have a long and huge bloody gash on my ankle. I have bandaged the wound but it hasn't stopped bleeding. Hope it doesn't need stitches. Only I would do this to myself. And right on the ankle so every time I walk it hurts more. Oh well sometimes it happens on a Monday. At least all of my cleaning is done and I can enjoy my day with Emie. All she wants to do today is strip lol. So I am still using cloth diapers. I love them for swimming diapers. I love using them because they are so gentle on Emie's bottom. I will be getting more each week they just cost so much to do at one time. I also like using the disposables still. Yesterday we got a toddler bed off of free cycle. It is so nice. It looks as if it wasn't used for very long. The crib Emie is using does turn into a toddler bed but i want the next two babies to use it before we switch it to a toddler bed. I love getting gently used things from free cycle. Such an awesome idea! Lately I have been finding a lot of discounted items on a few of my favorite online sites. I love getting what I need for cheap. I'm frugal. It's hard not to be after being a single mom for so long. Last week I took Emie to see her first movie Rio at the cheap seats. She was behaved for the most part and loved the movie. I was thinking of taking her again this week. Every week I try to set up play dates for her and myself so I can get out of the house at least twice a week. Not sure yet what we will do today...

Baby Houdini

I decided to take emie to a trip to meijers to get more cloth diapers. Yes we are transitioning from disposable to cloth. I tried cloth last week and loved it. I haven't gotten any poop diapers on cloth yet but i think in the long run switching is better for emie since she always has diaper rash and rashes no matter what brand of diaper I use. While driving to Meijers she decides to take her arms out of the car seat. It's not the first she has done it, so I loosened the belt around the arms just a little thinking maybe it was too tight. Didn't matter even when being looser she still got out of it. Any suggestions on how to get her to not get out of it? i was thinking of putting the lap belt around her besides the car seat belt she has on her. Not sure what to do yet....

Manic Monday

I am very tired today. Woke up every hour last night. I woke up at 7 this morning officially to make sure M was doing all of her chores before school. That's right my first born started six grade today! Our district starts early and ends school May 23. Love it!! I straightened her hair (she has naturally wavy hair that other people would die for her, not her she wants to have straight hair) and made her look so pretty. I walked her to her bus stop and watched her go on the bus. Then I jumped in the shower and got ready so that when Emie wakes up I will be ready to do anything I want with her. Now I am just enjoying my coffee (second big cup), taking surveys online that I get paid for to do, catching up on my celebrity gossip and enjoying my me time. I am a little lonely without the company of my 11 year old. But after 3 or so my hubby will be home and then my oldest and then my brother. At night I have a full house, I am just not used to the quiet in the daytime. Haha. I feel accomplished since I cleaned the house Saturday with the help of my family. Laundry is done until Thursday when I do it again. Every Thursday I do the whole house's laundry. I am ambitious lol. I think on my me time during nap time i will read. I really want to read more of this book I have. Plus Mikayla and I are doing a fall reading contest since the summer one ended and she won. I gave her 10 for reading 3 books and beating me. She was so proud. I went to a baby shower yesterday and it was so fun! I have never been to a baby shower. I really hope that I can get pregnant soon and have a boy that my hubby so desperately desires. Not saying I don't want a boy they are just different for me since we have two girls and I am a girl. I get a little  discouraged that I won't get pregnant sometimes since both girls were conceived after one try. But it might be because of my age or the fact I am extremely high rise due to heath issues. Oh well I will keep trying and I am going to make a doctor appointment soon and find out what is going on with my body. But for today I am happy with my life not saying I am not happy any other day. I am just content and I haven't always been that way as an adult. It took a while for me to get to this place. Because of finding the right man, money problems, family issues and personal growth I needed to do but I have overcome all of that and have a good life. Very proud of myself. This is far from the end of my chapter and far from me finishing personal growth. I will always grow and improve myself. OK got to go Emie decided to wake up earlier then her 1030 wake up time and I want to eat before she screams for me.

TGIF

I didn't post last week and have been forgetful on it this week. So here goes.

• I just had a snickers ice cream cone and wasn't too thrilled with it. Too many nuts on the top. I love nuts but it just wasn't the right amount.
• I have a baby shower to go too on Sunday. (I love buying baby stuff!)
• Tomorrow I have to clean out Mikayla's toy box and give or sell the toys I don't want to keep for Emerald and that I am keeping for Mikayla.
• Tomorrow I also have to clean out Mikayla's bins since there is so much clutter in her room. 
• Sometime today I have to finish cleaning the house and put away all the laundry I am doing.
• I had fun today watching the kids ride there bikes.
• It is so nice outside I have all the windows open. 
• I feel accomplished today because of life decisions I have currently made. I will talk more about that in another posting.
• I am going to the in laws for my father in law's bday cake. Can't wait!
• I am hoping to get pregnant very soon. We have been trying and I am trying not to get discouraged.
• I bought one of those nail polishes where you peel off and stick to your nails that are made by sally Henson. (hope they look nice)
• I have been wondering if I should write a book. Always wanted to do that. Would anyone read it?
• I always feel accomplished when bills are paid and house is clean
• I love my life with all my friends, husband and kids to keep me happy.
• I have been learning sign language and teaching Emerald and loving it.
• What are you thankful for on a friday?

TGIF

It's that time of the week again. It's Friday let's break out the 80's music and dance! (We have a rule that we have music on once everyone is awake and enjoy the songs that play. Emie loves to dance)

• I get to enjoy the weekend with my hubby. He comes home tomorrow after being gone for a week on a business trip
• I will talk to my hubby tonight on skype
• Today I am enjoying my day by doing laundry and being lazy.(I am really sleepy today and not motivated to do a lot but relax)
• I will enjoy my pool today with the kiddies
• Tomorrow night the hubby and I will be having a date night. (we haven't done that since valentines day.)
• I can't wait to go to the movies tomorrow night with my hubby with out kids. (i love my kids but i need some adult alone time other than the bedroom j/k)
• trying to decide what movie to see. it has been awhile since i have been to the theater. 
• Monday we are going  to have a family day with the hubby and kids
• one more week till my oldest goes to school
• going to make sure i do some painting and reading during nap time once my oldest goes to school

Weekend Reviews/Manic Monday

Friday I  was looking forward to my hubby working from home since he was out of town for business for two days last week and two days the week before.I enjoy my days with him. Even if he is working on the computer and making calls. Friday was just a relax day. Well it was for me. My hubby, brother and my dad leveled out a part of our backyard so we could put our pool up. We have an inflatable pool that is 12 x 36. So that we all can enjoy the water and play and relax in it. I love it. Its perfect for me. So they worked from 3pm til 8pm. Then Saturday we filled the pool which took most of the day. Then we went to our cousin's birthday party. It was so hot outside but the kids played in a water slide as the adults hid under a canopy. It was so much fun to be with all of my new/second family. I really enjoy all the time I spend with them. Then Sunday I had to say my goodbyes to my hubby (he left for a week to travel to Yale university for work). Then it was pool time for the rest of us. My oldest loves the pool so much she didn't want to leave it. My youngest wanted to play in the pool for a second then she decided the sand box was much more fun. I will post pictures tomorrow. My back yard is a fun hideaway place for me. I love it. I always wanted a backyard with stuff like I have. Usually Mondays I clean the house. I was planning on doing that but time slipped away from me. When my hubby is out of town I have insomnia and can't sleep without him next to me. So I stay up really late till 2 or 4 am. So I stayed up watching my tv shows I download till 2 am last night then I didn't wake up till 9am. I wasn't really motivated to clean. So today I had a lazy day till I had to get things ready for school registration tomorrow. I know I goofed and let time slip by on that too. I got all of my school supplies for my oldest and wow there wasn't a whole lot to get and I got it all at meijers. Score! Now I am relaxing with some mikes hard lemonade flavored peach margarita. I deserve it after having kids behaving really bad today. Hopefully it won't rain tomorrow so I can go into the pool.

TGIF

I decided to do a TGIF every Friday since I was a child it has always been my favorite day. I would get so excited for 7pm to watch all my TGIF shows on ABC. I miss those shows. My favorite was perfect strangers, Hanging with Mr. Cooper, and Step by Step. So here it goes....

•  TGIF even though it's raining I will enjoy my day with cleaning and grocery shopping.
•   I get to enjoy my weekend in Wisconsin at the family home my in laws have.
•   I get my hubby all weekend with him not leaving for business trips.
•  hopefully the rain all weekend will help my poor grass not look so dead.
•   I think I will finally sit down and read a book since I am in a reading competition with my oldest. (She has read 3 books and I have read 0). 
•  I can watch Harry potter movies all weekend.
• I mixed two coffee creamers since the one was low and didn't want to have coffee with less creamer. Yes it was an interesting flavor but I am still going to drink it and enjoy it.
• My dog is so scared from the storm that he is sharing my seat on the couch.
• I love my Saturday mornings with my father in law and our conversations in Wisconsin.
• I  am so glad I can catch up on my shows this weekend. 
• I am super happy that I found a few new shows for me to watch this summer. Like Fringe, how i met your mother and Dexter. (no there not new but I get to start from season one and there new to me)
• I love the sound of rain and thunder.

Birthday wishes

Today is my birthday and I am 31. It's just a number for me. Not really upset I am 31. I embrace each year I get older. Every year I get myself something for my birthday. Not saying my hubby or anyone else doesn't give me good presents. I do it because when I was a child my mom always made promises and broke them on my birthday. So I make a promise to myself to get myself something every year so I have something to look forward too. Usually I get make up at sephora or ulta. But not sure if that is what I will do or not.... Still deciding. I did get a bad present already this year but I am one of those that doesn't return gifts, only because the person did try to get my something they thought I would like but it isn't what I would get myself. The bad present was from my brother, he got me combat boots(which was my style when I was 16)and wedge heels that are not at all what I would choose. But I will wear them proud near him as to not offend him. I know I shouldn't keep something I don't like but he tried. As for the other gifts I will keep you posted on what I got. I did get some money from my in laws and Dale's grandma(our grandma, just too hard to write my grandma and explain). So the plan for today is to take kids to the splash park for a bit then maybe clean the house and later watch harry potter movies so I can catch up. My hubby wants to cook me dinner. I think I will teach him how to cook Tilapia tonight or shrimp scampi. This year I am very grateful for the people in my life and the things I have accomplished from the year before. My birthday wish is to have another great year of accomplishing things and having fun with good people.

bad mom

My oldest always has a way of making me feel like a bad mom. She fights, talks back and says I don't like her and that when I am punishing her that is how I get back at her. She always says when I tell my husband that she is being bad "why do you have to be a bad mom and tell him". Today for example I have my nieces over from a sleepover they had with us last night. My oldest who is 11 was good last night but this morning turned into her normal not listening self. She got mouthy a few times with me but I let them slide and told her to knock it off. Then she was fine pretty much all day.... Emerald went down for a nap and the other kids wanted to ride bikes in my driveway. Mikayla freaked out on me because I wanted her to ride her newer bigger bike and let her cousin who is smaller ride her old bike. She started yelling at me because she is afraid to completely ride her bike and she didn't want to share. I told her to sit down and relax and she started mouthing off more. So I sent her in the house to stay in her bedroom. Then the girls didn't want to ride bikes since Mikayla wasn't out there so they went in the kiddie pool. I went upstairs to talk to mikayla and she was crying and telling me i'm a bad mom. It's all my fault. I really hate when does that to me. I didn't do anything wrong. My job as a parent is sometimes not rewarding when i have to punish. My job is to make sure I teach right from wrong and make sure she is safe,. If I let her walk around talking to me like I am lower than her then I am doing a disservice to her when she is older. She also doesn't like to do chores. Everyday is a struggle to get her to do chores, take a shower, listen to me and not mouth off. Sometimes I feel like I mess up with her. Do you ever feel this way? Being a parent is hard.

Bills.Pools. Bikes

All I have done today is stayed in my pajamas did laundry( I do mine,Dale's,Mikayla's,emerald's and my brothers, I don't trust they will put the clothes away neatly.), payed bills, found a pool for all of us to swim in, found bikes for us to buy on Craig's list that are cheap. My goal is for everyone to have a bike so we can go on bike rides together. I even found a bike trailer that fits two kids to go on the back of my bike. I love Craig's list to find stuff that isn't in bad shape and isn't a lot of money. I feel proud that we are catching up on bills and I feel like we will be all caught up very soon. I was scared for awhile but I'm not anymore. I am a good budgeter. I try very hard not to buy something I don't need. We don't go out a lot and we have a backyard full of stuff for the kiddies. I love my house. Next I am looking for playschool houses or play items for Emie to play in. I am looking on craigs list. I also went to a garage sale yesterday and bought some baby toys,clothes for mikayla, and a motorized truck for Emie. That truck was such a good find. I paid 25 when it is normally 300 or so. I love those kind of finds. So dale just bought us 3 bikes for 100. Yeah craigs list! The only thing I really need to learn is how do I get my grocery bill down a lot. I coupon shop, I shop deals. I need to learn how to save more grocery shopping. I am open to suggestions.

Lots of thoughts in my head

So this morning I have been reading other blogs and just thinking about my life and how much I have grown in the last almost 31 years. (yes my birthday is next Thursday and I will be 31. Thought you might want to know in case you wanted to buy me something lol) I love reading other women's blogs because it makes me feel like I am not alone in certain situations. I don't really have an example right now but just in general. I like how we can write on here as if it is our diary or as if we are talking to a friend. Sometimes I don't give my complete honesty and tell you everything that is going on in my world, only because I feel like I am putting my dirty laundry out there and get nervous what others must think of me. I do not frown upon it when I see others being openly honest on their blogs. I am not sure if I can do that. I am trying, I really am. It took me along time to even trust people like I do. I used to be sceptical of people because of the things that happened to me in the past. I still wonder sometimes when I am friends with new people if they truly like me or have a hidden agenda? But I push those feelings out of me so that I don't waste any useless energy on negative feelings. My past is the past but sometimes it does sneak up on me. I went  through a lot in my life that most people haven't and shouldn't. Trust me this stuff is scary, dark stuff that should be spoken of. It's that bad. But I am stronger from all of it and have grown and changed a lot. I love myself for who I am and what I will be. I like to help others who are going through I went through or just need a friend for advice. I like being that person. I like that I a married with two beautiful kids and hopefully soon more. I like that I am more stable than I have ever been in my life. I have become sorta a 1950's wife where I cook, clean and am happy being with my kids. I never wanted to be that person but I love that I am her. I love having a nice clean home that I am proud of. I still haven't decided what I will do in my future where school and career fall. Hopefully I will decide all that soon.

My week so far

So Dale is getting ready to drive out of town for work(so hate that he does). He will be back by 10pm or sooner tonight but still hate it. On July 31st he will be going to Connecticut for a week. I really don't want him to leave that long and I am debating if I will go with. (he already knows this and is OK with this) I have been thrown off all week with chores and errands due to the power outage. I haven't gone grocery shopping yet and have to very soon after i write this since i am officially out of diapers. How did I let that happen?! I have two kids and it takes me so long to get ready, feed them and do errands, what will I do when I have 3? My dad had his weekly visit here yesterday where we all played mad gab with him. Lots of fun, if you have never played you should. I keep saying I need to start walking around the block every night so I can lose weight. Well tonight hopefully I will get the chance. I really would like to get to know how to add things on my blog like other blogs do. (appearance things) I haven't found any blogs about older kids. It really is hard sometimes the age gap between mikayla and emerald. Mikayla is 11 and Emerald is 16 months. Its hard to find activities for both kid's ages. I love the help mikayla gives me but she is in the preteen stage and has loads of attitude and sassiness. So on a daily basis i am in a power struggle with her. Fun Fun. I am wondering if I should sell jewelry and other stuff I make online. A bunch of people say I should. Hmmmm. I have been applying for babysitting jobs where I either bring Emerald with or watch children here. No luck so far. Really would like extra money to have and to help with debt we have. Emerald is at the stage where I am getting a booster chair for her to sit at the table with us(she climbs on the chairs and sits and tries to eat with us), also I will be starting potty training slowly(she brings me the diaper when she poops and needs a changing). I have a moms night out tomorrow with my moms group. I can't wait since I haven't gone out by myself in months. I have a birthday party for my niece this weekend so I am not going to Wisconsin. I so need to the kids out of the house this week and weekend. Wondering what I will do?

Children, Rivers and sunburn

I had so much fun over the fourth of July weekend. We went to our in laws family home in Wisconsin where we went on the boat, went on the jet skis, swam in the river and relaxed with family. we had our own firework shows, with a campfire and some glow sticks that I got at the dollar store. It was a fun weekend. I got so sunburned on Monday that I have been recovering since. I also sometime over the weekend pulled or strained a muscle in my shoulder. It has been swollen and so painful to move. I haven't slept in three days, I keep waking up in pain. I feel a little bit better each day with Tylenol and cold packs and rest. Today I finally caught up on every one's laundry and tomorrow I hope I feel better enough to clean the house. Were going back up to Wisconsin this weekend. we try to go every weekend if we can. I have had two responses back to me on babysitting/nanny jobs. I am trying to get a babysitting/nanny job where I can bring emerald or I can watch children at my home. I think this fall I will take some CNA classes along with some child development classes. I have been thinking about starting my own home daycare, thanks to a friend of mine who has her own and has been helping me and trying to convince me to open my own. She knows who she is lol. Here is the web address for my profile on care.com.http://www.care.com/childcare/heathers799 So tell your friends or anyone else you know if you need a sitter/nanny and you live in Illinois in the northwest suburbs. So basically my week has just been applying for jobs, resting my shoulder so I can recover and enjoying the kids. I have had some stress with finances and home stuff but I am not one who likes to air my dirty laundry. Still not sure how honest and open I want to be on here.

Everything is back to normal. What is normal?

I got married June 11. It was a lot of work with doing it yourself favors, bouquets and other stuff I had to do for the wedding but very much worth it. I enjoyed every stressful moment of planning and organizing the wedding. There were some bloopers on the big day but that is how it goes. You can't have a perfect day but no biggie. We went to Vegas for our honeymoon. We drank, ate at buffets, I shopped a lot, and we listened to live music outside every day. It was tons of fun. I am very glad to have found my soul mate. Now I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I believe everything happens for a reason and that there is the right timing for everything. I am not saying we are perfect and we don't fight. We are equal partners that compromise in every situation sometimes we but heads and argue but we make up and realize that is what makes us individuals. I believe that is what is key in relationships. My life went from planning and organizing a wedding back to laundry, cooking and keeping kids occupied. I sometimes catch myself wondering what can i do as far as the job thing goes to make myself happy. For right now I am a stay at home mom. I am looking for babysitting, housekeeping and jobs I can do either at home or with kids with me so we don't have to pay for a sitter and so I don't have to be away from the kids. I always felt guilty working when Mikayla was little and she had to go to daycare or a sitter. I know it is what I had to do to make ends meet but I always felt like someone else was raising my kid and I was just a visitor. I have nothing against day cares, sitters or childcare in general. I think its great. I just feel like I should be watching them and making sure there minds are enriched. So I am deciding what my next step in life is.. Stay tuned for that decision. On the education note every summer Mikayla does worksheets I find in all subject from the grade level she just finished and some from the grade level she will start in fall. I found lots of great websites where I can print out the worksheets plus she goes online to education websites for 30 minutes a day on weekdays and plays educational games. I love that she isn't losing the information she learned and she loves that she can play online. Her and I also developed a goal chart for the summer of all the things she was scared of that she wants to accomplish. Like learning how to swim, ride a bike, roller skate, make new friends without moms help, read a book from start to finish. So far she has achieved two goals. I am so proud of her. We also have a summer reading program competition that her and I read as many books as we can and whoever reads the most wins. I make her do book reports for me so I know that she is actually Reading and not just saying she is. I believe reading is not only fun and imaginative but also a great way to get grades up. I also have flash cards I use for Emerald so she can learn her animals and colors. I plan on writing on this blog a lot more since everything is back to normal. See you soon....

Spring time

So now that it is spring time we will go for walks, play outside more, we are getting a sand box soon, also in the future a trampoline and a pool. I love spring and summer. I love being outside, on the boat, swimming, walking and bon fires. I am excited to see what new adventures I can get into this summer with my family. I have almost caught up to all of my shows since I have been working a lot. I also have gotten some little projects done. Now to get all of wedding stuff done then do some creative things for myself. I will be downloading a book onto my ipod so I can read on the go now. I miss reading. I am going to be setting a weekly hour time for myself so no one can bother me so I can have some me creative time. I have also decided I need to make more time for some girls night out time and hubby one on one time and not feel guilty about it. Its ok to want to have some time away from the kids and not feel like a bad mom. It's hard to do that but ok to do it. I have a lot going on because of the wedding, other people's weddings, birthdays, holidays and other fun summer/spring time stuff.

Questions to me

I decided to let everyone out there ask me questions and I will answer them. This way you can get to know me a little better. I think it would be fun. Please nothing to graphic or mean.

Celebrities and the media

I think it is funny sometimes when you see all the media on some people and they get mad when they get attention. Then don't do something stupid. Brittney doesn't like when everyone is judging or talking about her then why are you driving with your child in your lap or shaving your head in public or having public rants? When you are a celebrity if you don't take necessary precautions you will be noticed and criticized. Your humiliations will be out there for all of us to see. There are some celebrities who do it on purpose so they get noticed so they can get work but there are some who are just dumb and complain about it. Some are so good about being discrete that they disappear from the media and have a normal life but still do shows and movies. I do enjoy watching the celebrities doing silly things in the media but at the same time don't cry about it. You make good money for all your bloopers. Who cares what we little people think? lol

My view on politics and the world

I decided to write about this after having so many conversations lately with co workers and family about the president and politicians. First I really don't have a desire to ever vote. I know I know I should vote so I have my voice heard and so my opinion is voiced as well. But for the last 10 years I haven't had any real desire to vote since the presidential candidates have sucked. Our president right now isn't much of a good president. I know he is fixing other president's mistakes before him and he has done good things like extend unemployment but he makes me mad for the most part. He talks about the economy and changing things, then why doesn't he or the other politicians take a pay cut? Instead they make decisions about our lives while they are cushioned with their big salary. And they make decisions about health care and unemployment extensions when neither affect them. I want someone who understand poverty, understands unemployment, so when they make the decisions it will be from the heart and not who cares I will make a decision because it is my job. I know not everyone will agree or like my opinion but it is what I feel. I am very passionate on this since I was unemployed and a single mom for a long time. I have worked since I was 14 and have paid taxes and followed the law, so when I couldn't get an extension on my unemployment when the money was low to begin with I was scared, mad and frustrated. I was lucky to get a job within a month of that happening, have a good man to help me and a supportive family. There are some people out there in this world that don't have all that. I just wish that the president and politicians would see that when they make decisions. Also about this bin laden death. I hate that it is all over the news, people's face book statuses, and on the radio. I think we are glorifying some one's death. I understand he was a bad man and that he killed lots of people. I agree he deserved what he got. But we teach our children that violence is not good so is it OK that the person we are violent to is a really bad person, terrorist who killed a lot of people. I think the Media and just people in general sometimes find loop holes when it comes to right and wrong. I don't think it is right what he did and I don't think it is right that our troops are over there and can't come home. Also I don't think it is right that they will most likely retaliate against us and we will have to continue to fight. I hate violence and I hate that it is a regular choice for some people. I don't think that it is ever the answer. I understand why it is used in life but don't you think we are contradicting our selves when we teach our children violence is bad. So is OK only on some circumstances. I am a survivor of domestic, physical and mental abuse along with sexual violence. So I do see both sides. But just think about why it is OK. I never expect anyone to agree with me. It is just how I feel. I am open to hearing every one's side on what they feel.

Love the month of April don't love the snow

I can not believe it snowed in April. OK yes I can believe it snowed in April, I just didn't want it too. I really want the spring and summer weather back. My allergies don't want the spring but I do. I miss the warm weather, flowers (even though I am allergic to them), swimming, playing at the park with the kids. I can't wait to do that again. I need the sunshine as well. I can't do this gloomy weather. It makes me want to sleep forever and not get up for anything. Some good news. I am doing a little better at work not getting in trouble as much right now, noticing my mistakes before I leave so I can fix them, being very open to criticism. I am always positive when I go to work now I am extra positive so managers notice and don't say I am mad,sad or upset.(which I am not). I try to do extra things at work so they notice that I do like and want to keep my job. Just because on here or on face book I might say that I am tired or that my legs hurt doesn't mean that I don't like to work. I love working and providing for my family and most of all so that I can socialize for a bit. Everyone has tired days or days where you don't want to get out of bed. Don't hold that against me. I do have multiple sclerosis so sometimes it hurts to be awake and to just be. But I manage the pain and push myself through that. But I can complain if I want without someone thinking I am lazy or don't want to work. I don't think anyone really wants to work but I do. I like the moving around and keeping busy. Sometimes I might want to stay home so I can be with my kids or just so I can lay around but that's being human. Who doesn't want to do that sometimes. I just wish people wouldn't judge or mistake words that come out of people's mouths and just get to know someone before you assume. On another note I am teaching emie how to use a spoon and feed herself. It is messy but she is doing it.(after she takes the bowl and drinks out of it lol) Planning the wedding is coming along. I just hate planning, I don't mind the creative arts part or the baking part, I just hate planning any party. I am not that gal. I also lost all of the baby weight and went down 5 dress sizes. Yeah!!!! I would like to get toned and lose some more pounds so I can feel more fit. I try to on my extra time have time to write on here, workout and do creative things for myself. But right now that isn't working. I will keep trying. Also I have my brother living with me. I love him very much and am very close with him. OK emie and i will enjoy listening to glee soundtrack while eating our breakfast. Enjoy the day everyone.

What to wear

So I am going back and forth on what the men in my wedding party should wear. My dress is really elegant and I don't want the guys to look like bums but at the same time I want them to not be comfortable. I was thinking of dress pants with dress shoes and a nice dress shirt. I just haven't decided on what color. I was thinking black with red trimmings. I have no idea what I am doing. This planning wedding stuff is hard. I look online and try to get ideas from other people. I have people saying they will help but no one has really stepped up to the plate and said hey what do you need help on and i will help you on that. Oh well. I am open to any one's suggestions since I am clueless.

Choices, regrets, consequences and feelings

My babysitter quit without a phone call to tell me that she wasn't coming in. I got all ready for work on Tuesday and she didn't show. So I called her and left her voice mails and texts. I usually find my babysitters/nanny on a babysitting website. So I put another ad on there to find a new sitter. Right now I am in the interview process again for the third time. Ugh. One of the candidates is someone I wanted to pick the second time but it was between her and the sitter who quit. The only reason I didn't pick her was her age. She is 20 although the recent sitter was 26 and sometimes you can't guarantee things with someones age. I get all of the email alerts from that site to my phone and the babysitter who just quit sent me a message. She is mad since I put a bad review of her services on her profile. So she decided to review me (sitters can't really), so she emailed me what she thought of me. Basically telling me how if someone worked for me they would only work 3 or 4 hours for only 2 or 3 days a week for 7 an hour. Which I explain to everyone that I interview that we can only afford 7 an hour because of what I get paid plus we can only give 15-25 hours a week depending on my hours and when Dale gets home. This wasn't a surprise to her, I explained it all before I hired her. Then she brought up a time when we paid her weekly in checks and they bounced. She decided instead of cashing them when she got them to cash them all at one time a month later at the same time as bills were being taken out of the account. We apologized and gave her money for late fees and the checks plus extra. Then she brought up about gas money and us not worrying about her gas. She lives in Woodstock which is a 30 minute drive. I gave her gas money from time to time. My responsibility is to pay her for her time not make sure she has money for every little thing. I am not her husband. She was always on her phone when she was here, she was late, making it very close to the time I started almost making me late. She was judgemental and ate alot of my food. But I'm the bad guy right. Ugh. I hate having to hire someone to watch my kids when I don't know what is going on when I am not home. I love working but sometimes I wish I didn't have to. My stress levels have reached so high lately I want to run away to a tropical place with a drink in my hand. I am planning the wedding on a very small budget. I don't believe in spending a lot on one day. I am trying to work to get extra hours so I have money for my bills and extra money for the wedding, the kids, saving accounts. I am nervous all the time about losing my job even though I haven't been written up or anything bad. I am just nervous because of being on unemployment and that boss who laid me off constantly telling me that I will still have a job. I need my confidence back so that I don't worry about that stuff. I am trying to find a stress reliever because the Internet and computer isn't enough for my stress anymore. I think I will start painting this week and maybe writing some songs to get rid of the stress. I used to write songs and poems and stories when I was stressed.(before kids) I try to tell myself that no matter what happens with work and money that it work out and that it is out of my control. Dale and I will find a way. I am not alone in this anymore. It is just hard and I want to hide under the bed till I am 50. I know it will be OK I just need to relax. I can't wait till my honeymoon. This week I have to start looking for a dress and start making the invites. And I have a birthday party this Sunday for the girls to get ready for. Busy Busy. And sometime in between all that I have to find time to hang out with friends. I miss that. It has been a long time.

Freedom is my question

Sometimes I wonder how much freedom I have on what I can write on here or what i can say in life. Sometimes I feel like I have to sensor what I say on here so I don't offend anyone or make anyone mad. So I say what I feel and think but not fully. I do that in life with certain people. People sometimes take me in a different way and think they know me because of how they perceive me. But unless they really know me, they don't who I really am. I have been through a lot in life. i am a better person  today then I was years ago. I will always grow and change myself. I just wish people would see that instead of my past. I hear people talking about my children as if they were  mistakes I should have gotten rid of. My choices are my choices, you don't have to understand them or like me. But they are my choices and i never regret the good choices. Most of the time I know what I am doing. In life you have to learn that the choices you make sometimes may not be the right one for that moment but in the long run it works out. i make the best choices I can for myself and my family. I just wish other people would keep their opinions to themselves. I don't judge you on how your life is run, why judge me. I have learned that I can't please everyone but myself and that I shouldn't listen to what other people say. It is just hard to when people won't stop talking all around you. I am a good person, i have a good sense of humor, I am positive every day and I have great work ethic. Yes there are a few things I need to work on. I am working on those things but instead of worrying about me and my mistakes. Why not worry about yourself and how to make yourself better. I just hate how it makes me feel when someone constantly points out my flaws. I will always do what I have to do to take care of my family and myself. I have been through hell  and back and came up ahead of it all. I will be fine. I just want the people who are in my life to walk with me not against me.

Sick babies and bad Internet

Along with being one, being sung happy birthday for the first time, saying a few words, drinking whole milk and learning new things, Emie is also getting her first cold. My poor baby is sneezing and sniffling. I feel bad for her. I have been giving her attention all day and catching up on my shows. I am so far back I am watching December shows. My Internet has Bern going on and off so I'm glad I download shows on vuze. I have not been getting a lot of sleep the last few days since Emie has been waking up. I really hope to get sleep tonight. I have been using every minute I have with thoughts for details on my wedding. There is so much to do. I love planning this I just wish I had more time for everything. I will be starting painting again and getting text books to enrich my mind. I can't wait. I look forward to it. I have found out how much I really love friends who are there for me. That wasn't sarcastic.

So much to do, so little brain power

So much is going on. Planning both girls birthday Party on the same day. Their birthdays are so close together that to have separate parties would be insane. The party will consist of Dale's family, my family, Emerald's friends (yes she has baby friends), my friends and Mikayla's school friends. Then on their actual birthdays we do something just for them with dinner and cake. Then I am planning my wedding which will be in June and the birthday party will be in march. I do have friends, family and of course Dale to help me with details. But I am still very stressed out. I over analyze an over detail everything. I think I change my mind about details probably every few days on anything in general I am planning. Plus I am trying to get more hours at work, which I succeeded in doing. Also trying to find time to read, write or do some me time creative thing. Did I mention I am doing the favors, cake, invitations, decorations and everything except for dresses and cake for the wedding as well as the birthday party. I really thought by doing this not only would I be saving money but I could express my creative side. See I knew I could find a way to do something for me and still do the things I need to do. I promise you I will only marry once, not just because I love him and know that he is the one for me and that he is my soul mate who I would be lost without, but because I could NEVER go through the STRESS of planning again, dealing with my family's input, other people's judgement AGAIN. Also I don't believe in DIVORCE. I believe if you really love someone and are sharing your life with them along with the commitment of marriage then you should fight for that relationship. I am not knocking people who are divorced or separated. That is just not for me. I have been with such crappy men and have still made an effort and fought for the relationship. Your mate should be someone who you are friends with, can't wait to run home to tell that person something you need to tell someone. Everyone is different. I just have strong beliefs in marriage, family and friendship. I come from a broken home and a divorce home. My mom was a single mother and I watched her struggle. I was a single mother and I struggled the day after day. Not saying you need a man to be happy or to survive. I don't, I just wanted someone to share my moments with. I have that. I am extremely grateful for that. Dale is my rock. I know when I have a bad day he will be there to make it better. I tell him everything as well as he tells me everything. OK enough of my beliefs, Emerald turned 1 today. I can't believe how fast the year went by. Her hair is growing, she is running and falling. She says a few words here and there,has her likes and dislikes. She is growing so fast. Today will be all about her. We will take her some where fun for her birthday and get a yummy cake. Then in nine days will be Mikayla's 11th birthday. Before you know it my kids will be all grown up. OK I just cried a little.

Thinking of past regrets

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I went to college. Will I ever go back and fulfill my dream as a nurse? Or will I only work jobs and never have a career. And how do I find time for me to express my creative side? I think of these things a lot. I am a creative person and sometimes I feel like I am hiding it. I feel like that part is sleeping. I also feel if I do spend time on that side that I am neglectingy obligations like the kids, the housework, and my man. So how do I fulfill myself but not feel guilty? I miss school. I know that sound weird but I lobe to learn and read new things. After I had mikayla I would buy different textbooks so I could learn something new. It might be tome for that again. I'm a person that always has to have knowledge around her. Always learning and growing. The last 10 years I have consumed my extra time with computer games or with Internet. I need to do that less and feed my knowledge more. Hopefully I can start this quest soon. Not sure where to start. As far as going back to school not sure where or if to start again there.

Things I need to learn

• How to be patient with myself if I don't do everything in one day
• As long as I do my job at work that is all that matters
• I can always improve myself and  be better, stronger and more of the person I need to be.
• Not to let anyone change my opinion about myself
• not to let anyone make me second guess myself
• To realize that is ok if I am not perfect
• Even if my child yells at me and tells me she hates me I am still a good mom and she will respect that when she gets older
• It's ok if I take some time for myself to be away from kids
• It's ok to work and be away from Emie, we spend tons of time together when I get home.

no excuses

I haven't blogged in at least two weeks. I get so busy with work when I come home I cook, clean, give attention to the kids and my man that i don't have energy to write my blog. I know, no excuses. I won't let it happen again. I sometimes don't even go on face book for three days. I have to find the time to not neglect my needs like painting, reading and blogging. I will find a balance. So let me catch you up on what has happened. Emerald had to go to the E.R. since she had a fever for two days, vomiting and diarrhea. At first I thought it was the flu or her new teeth coming that was bothering her but my maternal instinct told me to take her to the hospital. Glad I did. She had to have a catheter and an i.v. and they found up she had a u.t.i (urinary tract infection). She has been on meds for almost a week and a half. I felt so bad for her. Since then she has gotten better but she doesn't like bath time anymore. I don't know if she is traumatized from the incident or what. So Mikayla plays and sits in the bath with emie to ease her back in that routine. It has worked out so far. I still haven't caught up on my shows. Now my computer screen on my laptop is all messed up since emie threw her bottle at my screen and I accidentally moved the mouse to hard and it hit my screen. The new screen is coming on Tuesday from Ebay. Right now I am using Dale's netbook. So not the same. Oh well what can you do. At least I still have something to go onto the Internet or I would go crazy. I have spoken to my brother which was awesome since we haven't talked in four months. We talk and text a lot now. He told me why he wasn't talking to me and it wasn't my fault. My dad and my brother came to visit (I have a weekly dinner visit with my dad), it was nice. I love the relationship I have with my dad and brother. I am picking up some more hours in a different department since every department is cutting hours. So this way I can at least get a total of 30 until target gives the store more hours. I am just happy to be working even though it kills my body. My body sometimes doesn't want to move as hard and fast as I make it. Having MS sucks. I hate having MS. Right now I have a sinus cold that is making my head hurt. Dale is getting sick too. Emie has learned how to push over her toy organizer which is wood leveled in three levels.  It went flying. She is too smart for her own good. That's all really besides I have a secret that I can't tell yet. soon but not yet.