Sick babies and bad Internet

Along with being one, being sung happy birthday for the first time, saying a few words, drinking whole milk and learning new things, Emie is also getting her first cold. My poor baby is sneezing and sniffling. I feel bad for her. I have been giving her attention all day and catching up on my shows. I am so far back I am watching December shows. My Internet has Bern going on and off so I'm glad I download shows on vuze. I have not been getting a lot of sleep the last few days since Emie has been waking up. I really hope to get sleep tonight. I have been using every minute I have with thoughts for details on my wedding. There is so much to do. I love planning this I just wish I had more time for everything. I will be starting painting again and getting text books to enrich my mind. I can't wait. I look forward to it. I have found out how much I really love friends who are there for me. That wasn't sarcastic.

So much to do, so little brain power

So much is going on. Planning both girls birthday Party on the same day. Their birthdays are so close together that to have separate parties would be insane. The party will consist of Dale's family, my family, Emerald's friends (yes she has baby friends), my friends and Mikayla's school friends. Then on their actual birthdays we do something just for them with dinner and cake. Then I am planning my wedding which will be in June and the birthday party will be in march. I do have friends, family and of course Dale to help me with details. But I am still very stressed out. I over analyze an over detail everything. I think I change my mind about details probably every few days on anything in general I am planning. Plus I am trying to get more hours at work, which I succeeded in doing. Also trying to find time to read, write or do some me time creative thing. Did I mention I am doing the favors, cake, invitations, decorations and everything except for dresses and cake for the wedding as well as the birthday party. I really thought by doing this not only would I be saving money but I could express my creative side. See I knew I could find a way to do something for me and still do the things I need to do. I promise you I will only marry once, not just because I love him and know that he is the one for me and that he is my soul mate who I would be lost without, but because I could NEVER go through the STRESS of planning again, dealing with my family's input, other people's judgement AGAIN. Also I don't believe in DIVORCE. I believe if you really love someone and are sharing your life with them along with the commitment of marriage then you should fight for that relationship. I am not knocking people who are divorced or separated. That is just not for me. I have been with such crappy men and have still made an effort and fought for the relationship. Your mate should be someone who you are friends with, can't wait to run home to tell that person something you need to tell someone. Everyone is different. I just have strong beliefs in marriage, family and friendship. I come from a broken home and a divorce home. My mom was a single mother and I watched her struggle. I was a single mother and I struggled the day after day. Not saying you need a man to be happy or to survive. I don't, I just wanted someone to share my moments with. I have that. I am extremely grateful for that. Dale is my rock. I know when I have a bad day he will be there to make it better. I tell him everything as well as he tells me everything. OK enough of my beliefs, Emerald turned 1 today. I can't believe how fast the year went by. Her hair is growing, she is running and falling. She says a few words here and there,has her likes and dislikes. She is growing so fast. Today will be all about her. We will take her some where fun for her birthday and get a yummy cake. Then in nine days will be Mikayla's 11th birthday. Before you know it my kids will be all grown up. OK I just cried a little.

Thinking of past regrets

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I went to college. Will I ever go back and fulfill my dream as a nurse? Or will I only work jobs and never have a career. And how do I find time for me to express my creative side? I think of these things a lot. I am a creative person and sometimes I feel like I am hiding it. I feel like that part is sleeping. I also feel if I do spend time on that side that I am neglectingy obligations like the kids, the housework, and my man. So how do I fulfill myself but not feel guilty? I miss school. I know that sound weird but I lobe to learn and read new things. After I had mikayla I would buy different textbooks so I could learn something new. It might be tome for that again. I'm a person that always has to have knowledge around her. Always learning and growing. The last 10 years I have consumed my extra time with computer games or with Internet. I need to do that less and feed my knowledge more. Hopefully I can start this quest soon. Not sure where to start. As far as going back to school not sure where or if to start again there.

Things I need to learn

• How to be patient with myself if I don't do everything in one day
• As long as I do my job at work that is all that matters
• I can always improve myself and  be better, stronger and more of the person I need to be.
• Not to let anyone change my opinion about myself
• not to let anyone make me second guess myself
• To realize that is ok if I am not perfect
• Even if my child yells at me and tells me she hates me I am still a good mom and she will respect that when she gets older
• It's ok if I take some time for myself to be away from kids
• It's ok to work and be away from Emie, we spend tons of time together when I get home.

no excuses

I haven't blogged in at least two weeks. I get so busy with work when I come home I cook, clean, give attention to the kids and my man that i don't have energy to write my blog. I know, no excuses. I won't let it happen again. I sometimes don't even go on face book for three days. I have to find the time to not neglect my needs like painting, reading and blogging. I will find a balance. So let me catch you up on what has happened. Emerald had to go to the E.R. since she had a fever for two days, vomiting and diarrhea. At first I thought it was the flu or her new teeth coming that was bothering her but my maternal instinct told me to take her to the hospital. Glad I did. She had to have a catheter and an i.v. and they found up she had a u.t.i (urinary tract infection). She has been on meds for almost a week and a half. I felt so bad for her. Since then she has gotten better but she doesn't like bath time anymore. I don't know if she is traumatized from the incident or what. So Mikayla plays and sits in the bath with emie to ease her back in that routine. It has worked out so far. I still haven't caught up on my shows. Now my computer screen on my laptop is all messed up since emie threw her bottle at my screen and I accidentally moved the mouse to hard and it hit my screen. The new screen is coming on Tuesday from Ebay. Right now I am using Dale's netbook. So not the same. Oh well what can you do. At least I still have something to go onto the Internet or I would go crazy. I have spoken to my brother which was awesome since we haven't talked in four months. We talk and text a lot now. He told me why he wasn't talking to me and it wasn't my fault. My dad and my brother came to visit (I have a weekly dinner visit with my dad), it was nice. I love the relationship I have with my dad and brother. I am picking up some more hours in a different department since every department is cutting hours. So this way I can at least get a total of 30 until target gives the store more hours. I am just happy to be working even though it kills my body. My body sometimes doesn't want to move as hard and fast as I make it. Having MS sucks. I hate having MS. Right now I have a sinus cold that is making my head hurt. Dale is getting sick too. Emie has learned how to push over her toy organizer which is wood leveled in three levels.  It went flying. She is too smart for her own good. That's all really besides I have a secret that I can't tell yet. soon but not yet.

Feeling out of place

Ever feel like you did something stupid and feel like your out of place. I am a strong person and for some reason sometimes I go in the role of a weak person. I try to please others so much that I look weak or people think they can take advantage of me.  Just wondering why I put myself in that role. It's a flaw of mine that I hate. I am strong and usually don't take crap from anyone. But at work at any job I sometimes act this way. I want to be trusted, liked and most of all I want them to think of me when they need someone. I just don't want to be seen as a moron or someone who is not capable of doing things. I guess sometimes I do things wondering why I acted like that or why I said that. I sometimes act like a moron when I am at work. Not all the time. But times when I am put on the spot. I sometimes feel like a kid who would rather stay home in my safe controlled environment than be where I feel like I am on display. Sometimes I feel like I would rather stay home and not feel awkward in the public eye. Not saying I don't like to be in public or near people. I just don't like it when people talk to me as if I am stupid and don't understand things. I sometimes like working alone so I don't have to feel awkward.

Finally Caught Up a little bit

I have caught up a little bit to my shows. So I have watched Greys Anatomy (I was behind on three episodes), i only watched two, still have one more to watch. Grey's is getting good. I loved how Christina Yang was trying out different jobs and finally ended up back where she belongs in the O.R.. I really am starting to hate Owen, he is so mean to Meredeth. I love Callie's new hair, I love how free and open she has become. I love the one episode where the cute nurse hits on Bailey and asks her out. I hope she has him as a new love interest. I love how they have cool medical parts in the show. It makes me miss E.R.. Private Practice I am caught up except for one more episode. i feel bad what happened to Charlotte. I really hope that she can get help and talk about what happened. As a survivor myself, I understand why you need to talk to someone about that. It's not healthy to keep it inside and not tell anyone your feelings. She can get past this she is a strong woman. I love the relationship between her and cooper. Its a lot like mine minus some of there fights lol. It was cool to see Pete's family come back. Even if they aren't close with each other. He really did want a relationship with his brother. It's not his fault his mom killed someone. Super natural was awesome! As usual. I loved the episode with the fairies. It was funny to see tough boy dean seeing fairies and screaming "Watch Out For The Fairies!" lol. I love the special effects and the different characters they have in the show. Its messed up how Sam doesn't have a soul but it is stronger, faster and smarter this way. The Caged Heat episode made me want to kick Samuel's ass. He really only cares about himself. Cass at least stepped up to the plate. I kinda feel like he owes them. I really want god to make an appearance. And what happened to the guy who wrote the books? The prophecy? I forgot his name. I want him to come back too. i so hope there is another season. I will be sad when this show ends. The last episode which was fever that I saw was cool showing the view of things through death's eyes. I really liked that. It made you understand the destiny and way of life's order. It was really cool when you saw Sam's soul go back into him. I hope it doesn't destroy him. That's all of the shows I watched for now. I still have to catch up on one more episode of Grey's anatomy, one more episode of Private Practice, almost all of the season of Glee, three or four episodes of brothers and sisters, almost all of the season of desperate housewives and they I will catch up on House.

Really wishes I was rip van wrinkle sometimes

I woke up this morning wishing that i could sleep till 9. I know it will never happen but hey I can dream. Sometimes I can sleep in on the weekends till 8. I really enjoy those days. My work has that schedule where it starts on Sundays and ends on Saturdays. So I started working on Sunday this week and am working till Thursday. I can't wait to be off on Friday and Saturday. I sit here enjoying my coffee waiting till it is time to go to work, Emie has not woken up yet and it is 856. She woke up at 3am last night, I put her in my bed cause I am not fully awake at that time, and she kicked me and slapped me for an hour. Finally I had enough of the abuse, made her a bottle, woke up Dale, where he then fed her and rocked her to sleep. He's a good man for that. So far this week she has only had two episodes of night waking up like that. I really need to find time for friends. I miss them. I really need a social life besides the one I have with dale and work friends. It's hard when I work different hours and weekends. When i come home, I clean, cook and take care of kids. Last night I went to bed at 940. I know that's early, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I had the coolest thing happen to me the other day. When I shop online I use this website called ebates.com  so that I can get deals and cash back, well when you get cash back they mail you a check. I got a check for 5.77! I was so excited. I know it is not a lot of money, but it's pretty cool when you are getting some money back from shopping. Please go to ebates.com and check it out, you won't regret it. And if you do use my name Heather Sellers, because I get money for referring. Love it! I have been taking care of Mikayla's two animals since she doesn't care anymore. I can see what her as a teenager will be. So not ready for that. I see teenagers in stores and think if she ever acts like that i will be in trouble. lol.

A much needed break

Today I declared it to be my day. I am going to relax and catch up on tv shows that I am so behind on. Play games I am so behind on. Maybe read and paint. (ok I was a little zealous there lol) I am definetly going to color my hair, it needs it so bad (my roots are showing about 2 inches and i have gray in my roots). I am trying a new red so we will see how it goes. The sales lady at sally's says the professionals use this brand and that it is really good. Not sure if she is lying or if she just wants a sale, although I picked out the brand and color. We shall see. I wanted to try to see friends today but i still have a low cash flow right now, so driving too far or endulging myself in anything but my warm cozy home. There is a lot I can do here. I just feel bad about Emie. She only leaves the house when it is our weekly grocery trip or errands running around or the holidays. I get paid tomorrow so hopefully I can maybe go somewhere saturday with the kids and not hurt my wallet. I have to stay on a budget, I only get paid 8.50.  I like working at this job instead of waitressing (the money is different) but I know I am guaranteed money everytime I work. Also I get benefits, paid time off, paid leave of absence, fmla act and a bunch of other cool things I didn't get waitressing. So my pay is low but I am loving my life and job and that is all that matters. I will write another posting when I am done with my shows. I have like three weeks worth of shows so I might be glued to my chair for awhil today. lol.

whoever said being a mom is easy was drunk

I love my kids, but working, cooking, cleaning and dealing with kids is hard. Dale helps a lot. I mean a lot. But when I come home I cook and deal with whatever issues dale and mikayla have. Mikayla is so huge on attitude right now it is driving me crazy. I have a whiteboard where I keep a list of chores and not to does plus positive things and she is trying to earn something special at the end of the week. But we can't manage to go a full week or full day without her trying to boss one of us around or tell us off. This morning I was getting ready for work and I went into her room to see if she awake and getting ready for school. She was and had her sister out of the crib walking around. I was complimenting her on being dressed, awake and making her bed and taking care of her sister while I get ready and she starts to yell at me and tells me to take my kid. I don't like to fight and i hate to be crabby in the morning. I don't like to start the day like that. I explained to her that she didn't have to take her sister out of the crib and that I would take her into my room but not to talk to me like that. I am not sure if she actually listens to what I say or just doesn't care to pay attention to it. I also helped her clean her pet rabbit's litter box this morning and found soggy carrots that were bad and a carrot juice mess in the mini fridge we have downstairs. i really can't stand when someone can't clean up after them selves. It is harder for me to understand when I clean at home and then I clean at work. I don't think Mikayla knows how much I do. She also gets mad when I get home, I start dinner and she wants attention, I get that, but i have to do dinner, change my clothes, bathe emie after dinner. And sometime in between would like to relax for a bit which doesn't happen for long and then it is bedtime. Like i said i love my kids, i really do, its just hard working and being a mom.

soundtrack of my life

I was driving home from work yesterday and was listening to Nickelback. When I hear everyone has somebody i think of dale. That's our song and it makes me thinks of love movies. My soundtrack for life is here we go again by white snake. what's yours? I love 80s music so much. It makes me feel alive and excited for the day. Yes I know i am a dork. For Christmas dale got me an i pod touch. I love it. I was playing with it a little bit yesterday. It is cool. I love getting new electronics. I also got a gift card at best buy which i thought i lost but found it in the diaper bag, too late i had dale call best buy to get me a new one since i thought i lost it. Now I have to wait till it comes then  I will be buying the sims 3 expansion night life. I told you i was a dork. I love video games. Especially sims. I am still trying to find balance with work and friends and not having money sucks. Hopefully soon in the next month finances will become normal again. I love starting at 10 i get to do my normal mom stuff then hang out with emie for a bit. She is walking and getting into everything. On Saturday she was climbing onto everything and getting In more trouble. In a month she will be a year old. Wow does time go by so fast. Yesterday after cooking dinner, we had family wii time,since emie was still awake and would ruin games if we played a board game. Got to go to work. will write more later.

Working girl equals poor girl

So I haven't been on here for a few weeks due to working and being so tired. i have been working 4 or 5 days a week and it has been kicking my butt. When I get home I cook and take care of kids and then relax before bed. I feel so stiff when I get home. my joints hurt so bad. Oh well that is what happens when you want to work. So I talked to a friend today who is in a rough patch right now but will get past this.  i was telling her that she could get past this rough patch just to stay positive. I felt really good with the advice I gave her and i just felt good helping someone so dear to me. i have been through so much in my life that it feels good to use my life experience and help someone out. I try to stay positive on a daily basis and overcome whatever battles i have to. my keys on my computer are getting stuck right now and not typing the right letters. ugh. oh well. I am trying to make time for my friends and not be all about work and no play. what really sucks is all of the working i am still behind on bills and in debt. I also still have no money to touch since i spent everything i needed to on bills. Can not wait for tax money so that i can get the things i need. i can not wait to use some of that money. of course not all of it, it will go to my savings. So for Christmas i got lots of stuff for me to paint with and draw. I got an i pod from dale with a best buy gift card but i cant find the stupid gift card anywhere. ugh. really want to find that so i can get a sims 3 expansion game. I also got a lot of racing games for the wii from dales brother and parents. The kids got everything they wanted. Liv dolls for mikayla and walking toys for emerald. (Did i tell you she walks? she started last month, she also got more teeth. so now she has two teeth on top and three on bottom, she is also getting two more teeth on top) I had a blast on Christmas eve with dales mom's family. We stayed till 2 am. It was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again next year. Christmas day was nice. It had some dramatic moments (not my fault, some people just don't  want anyone happy) but it was a very full day. NYE we are having a few friends over at the house but it will low key and relaxing. I can't wait. I really like that i am close with dales parents and brother. I love being part of there family. I can't wait for them to be my in laws. I really appreciate all that dale does for me. He really is a good man. Today while i worked and he was off, he watched the kids and did a bunch of chores around the house. It really is nice when someone else helps do the chores. I love being with him. I truly am happy. Our dog nikki is snoring while i am typing lol. it's sad that mikayla has to go back to school on Monday so i will miss her. i miss my kids when i work. i know i see them when i come home. but i still miss them. Being a mommy is hard. I would never change that for any reason in the world. I know i am happy but i am also a little sad that things are estranged between my brother and my mother. They just don't see things the way i do. They always think that i am wrong and i am evil and there is no other way but there way. oh well cant please everyone. that is what i tell myself everyday when i feel helpless to other people. Well my leg is starting to hurt and i am getting tired.

TgIF

I am so happy it's Friday. I am off for two days. Next week I am only scheduled for three days with a total work week of 19 hours but i am going to see if i can pick up some extra hours. Depending on how tired I am today i am going to try to go to the moms night out. I really need some mom friend fun time. I haven't gone out since September. Plus i want to see my friend Erin, i haven't seen her in a month. I can't believe how fast this month has gone by. Before you know it will be Emerald's one year birthday and Mikayla's 11th birthday. Wow am i old. lol. I am so excited I have work friends. I am just an excitable person to begin with, little things make me happy. I don't think that is a problem. Too many people are sad and depressed, being happy is a good thing. I gave Emie some big plastic spoons to play with. She is loving them. I am writing this and eating oatmeal. I really do the same thing every day. lol. I have an Abba song stuck in my head right now so its hard to write. lol. I know i ramble a lot. I always have more than one thought in my head. My hands are so badly chapped from the winter and doing dishes at work. I have to think about what to do for emies birthday and mikaylas. I am not sure if i am doing themes, i never really did before. I will write more later tonight. Have to get ready for my day.

Is it friday yet?

Another 3p till 11p shift today. Very tired today. I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 2 or 3 with emie and put her in our bed for a bit and back into the crib she went. Then I woke up at 715 with both kids and started my day. i think today I will definitely try very hard to take a nap. Work is good just physically hard on my body since i haven't worked in over a year. But i will get through it. When I got dressed I heard a noise and the city of lake in the hills was cutting down branches from my tree. Maybe it was too big. I don't know. So this week is work, Thursday my dad is coming over for our weekly visit, maybe moms night out on Friday (depending on how tired I am from work), Sunday we are going to Dale's parents house for his birthday dinner and a possible visit from my mom. Busy busy. Along with all that I clean and cook. Is it time to relax yet? So looking forward to not moving at all on Saturday. Mikayla is off of school next week and she is excited. I will be happy as long as she is not full of attitude all week. I am so sore and tired today. I really enjoy my morning time with emie when I am feeding her bananas and she feeds herself. Watching wife swap. This show cracks me up. I love seeing the diverse people they switch lives with and the crazy outcomes that happen. I love watching drama but hate it in my life. I know it is silly. But watching other peoples drama who signed up for that is funny to me. I can't wait for after the holidays so I can go on a date with dale. I am waiting till after holidays because of presents. I so want to see a few movies. I want to see the new witch movie. Forgot the name sorry. I really do want to go out on Friday with the other moms it is just hard when I get home i have to make myself go into the kitchen and cook and sit and relax after otherwise i won't want to cook. It is really nice that dale helps me when I get off of work even though he worked. I love the help. I also love the help from mikayla. Help is always good. I feel so accomplished since my house is clean and everything is taken care of. Then I feel I can really relax and enjoy it since I earned it. I think after January once all of the paychecks are normal and i have caught up on bills and things are stable, I will take two online classes toward my degree to start things off. I got myself three new PlayStation 3 games and I am so excited to play them. Just haven't had the time. lol. I traded my xbox 360 games since my xbox is broken and dale says it isn't worth fixing. I am going to by myself either a kinect or the wii motion when i get my tax money. I so want the zumba game.

Super mom or super busy

Today I have to work at 3 and already I woke up at 530 with emie went back to sleep then woke up at 7. Then fed her a bottle, a banana and yogurt for breakfast. I also made my breakfast, cleaned the bathroom while bathing emie, folded and put away my laundry, vacuumed the basement, vacuumed the main floor and put emie down for a nap. I took a shower and got ready for work. Now i want a nap, great how am i going to stay awake at work till 11? ugh! oh well got to do it. Today and tomorrow i work 3p-11p for training on how to close in case someone calls in sick at night. Normally I will be working days which is good so I can be with my family. But I do love my time in the morning with emie. I am getting a review before January 1st so they can hire me permanently since my seasonal contract ends on January 1st. I am really glad to find something that i like and can do with my schedule. I like the new nanny and so far she is doing an awesome job. I will tell you however that working after not working for a year is kicking my butt, i am so tired when i get home that i don't want to do anything. But i come home and i cook and take care of emie. Dale is great with helping with the kids and cleaning up while i relax. Tonight he is watching the kids all night and feeding them dinner. Same with tomorrow. Hope it all goes well for him. I cant wait for the weekend. I get to enjoy it with my family. Next week i only work three days because of the holiday. I have to finish my online Christmas shopping so it is done this week. I really need a nap right now. Now i just need to find time for my friends. Cause i can do it all.

work is hard

Sorry I haven't written in awhile my schedule at work has been crazy. I was so tired after working all week yesterday that Friday i fell asleep at 7 and woke up at 9. I relaxed all day Saturday to recover from the week. This week is another full week of working and taking care of kids. I also have to finish my online Christmas shopping. Busy, Busy. I also need to have time for friends. I like working, I just hate being away from my baby. Oh well got to make the money. I am still seasonal but my head boss said she doesn't see a reason why i wouldn't get hired full time. So we will see. I was so stressed out yesterday. I had to fire a babysitter who called in twice in one week and who wasn't really doing anything with emie besides plopping her in front of the TV. I came home to Emie having a very dirty diaper. She also thought I was nit picky because she wanted to be the boss and tell me what she could do with my kids. really?! So Dale and I did interviews yesterday and we had a hard time choosing between two we liked. But we picked the best one and I hope she does well. She likes education with kids and thinks everyone should start teaching a baby how to count, colors, alphabet. I like that. She also wants to do creative projects with both kids. love that. I have a good feeling with her. Also she had worked with two families before for a while. So that is a plus. Not much new on the baby trying front. We are still trying and waiting to see if my period comes. I am still behind on my shows. So hopefully soon I will be catching up. I just hope to catch up on bills since my unemployment ended and i started my job i haven't paid bills yet for this month. I just cant wait till the money is all settled and i am hired permanent and i can just calm down on stress. I also cant wait for Christmas and family time. I love holidays with family.

Very tired

Today was another day of training in food area of target. I had a blast and my boss was impressed by me. She told me that it most likely won't be seasonal for me. She also told me she likes my personality, my listening and doing what I am told and she wants to make me her go to gal. I am so enjoying working but getting up so early really sucks. Tomorrow I have to get up at 515 so I can get ready and eat and be at work by 7. I feel so accomplished today, I vacuumed the floors, bathed emie, made dinner and cleaned up some messes around the house. I also started this new form of chores at my house for my oldest. I got a white board and wrote all the chores and rules of how I want things to be. She gets a green stone for every chore, helping out and positive attitude. She gets a white stone for every negative action and not doing chores. We total the stones at the end of the week and subtract green stones where the white were and the total has to be the amount we chose. If she gets that amount she can pick where we go on Sunday for fun. If she continues to behave and get a lot of green stones for a few weeks in a row I will let her earn to get a new video game or something. I am trying to get her motivated to do chores and help out with attitude and to have mouthing off and attitude to a minimum. I feel very positive about this. It is already starting to work a little bit. I can't wait till I am off this week so I can enjoy the day now that I have earned it. Every time I come home Emie misses me so much that she won't let me put her down. i feed her my lunch and put her down. Its so cute. It's nice to be working and enjoy what I have in my life. Good family, good man, good kids. I love my life. i have to go shower and sleep and do it all again tomorrow. plus it is so cold and I wish i had a tunnel to walk in instead of going out side in the cold.

Good Changes

I had a fun and good day at work today. I was training as a cashier and the four hours went so fast. Everyone was real nice at work and i can't wait to train next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The sitter I found was really good too. She is only 18 but very charismatic, they way we get along is as if she is one of my family. She makes me feel very comfortable to leave Emie with her. Emie didn't nap for long or eat her whole lunch with her but she played with her constantly. When i came home Emie ate my lunch with me and fell asleep sitting on my lap. She missed me so much she wouldn't let me put her down, she constantly wanted to be in my arms or on my lap. It was cute and made me feel very good that she wanted to be close to me. I love my girls and I am glad to spend the time i do with them. I can't wait to start getting money and to be able to save and buy myself things i want. There is no other good feeling but the feeling you have when you earned something. Last night Emie woke me up at 345 and stayed up til 5. I finally fell back asleep and struggled to wake up at 630. I really didn't want to wake up so early. I decided that I will wake up around that time everyday during the week even if I am not working early so that I can be ready before the girls are up and get used to getting up early. It's not like I slept late normally, it's just that I would rather stay on my work schedule and get in the groove of things. i hope to sleep till 8 on weekends but will see how that goes. i really don't want it to snow tomorrow, I hate driving in snow. I can't wait to see how Emie reacts to snow, whether she likes it or not. I was checking her mouth for new teeth since she has been teething for a few months. her third tooth is coming in. It looks so pretty. I love babies with teeth. I can't wait for Christmas and watching Emie trying new things and her first moments in things. I finally put up all the Christmas decorations in the house with the family and Emie kept trying to steal the items and crawl away with it. it was so cute. Tonight my multiple sclerosis is making my body hurt so bad. My legs are hurting where i don't want to move. I hate having this disease, i try to not let the pain get to me. I have been trying to call public aid and see why i haven't gotten any new cards in the mail. usually they mail the next month but I haven't gotten any since September. The girls and I have public aid. I really need to go to a neurologist and get medication for my ms. The pain has just gotten to much for me. i will just get past it like i always do. Watching ghost adventures and I am still behind on my shows. I love ghost adventures.

First Day

Tomorrow is my first day of work and i am so nervous. i am nervous about starting a new job, not working in over a year, whether or not they will make me permanent and being away from Emie. My friend who I have known for five years is going to watch her for me. i do have to drive instead of someone coming to me but I know her and trust her. That decision made it a little easier on me but I am still nervous about leaving her. I hate leaving my kids so i can work. I feel like I am abandoning them. i have always hated going to work when mikayla was little at night. It's harder when they are little. i can only do what i can do though, i know that but it is still hard. I have to work so we can have extra money and not worry about money being tight. i hope I get through this. I am making spaghetti and the house smells so good. I love to cook. I won't be bored now that I am working. I guess the hardest part will be weekends when they told me i will be working evenings. I will know my schedule tomorrow so hopefully it's not too bad. I know I only work five days but i am already missing my kids and I am home. I feel like my freedom is gone, I know it's silly. But it's the way I feel. Today I had a phone conference with mikayla's teacher and found out how she doesn't tell the truth to me or the teacher. She also doesn't give her teacher her homework or important papers. I feel more informed and like she will succeed more after talking to her. I am going to start setting up goals for myself so I feel accomplished and not lazy. I know after working i will feel good when I can spend money and not worry about it. It's just my emotions. I have to take a pregnancy test after next week to see if are trying has worked or not. My hormones and taste buds have been all over the place the last two weeks but will see if that is just stress or a baby. Keep your fingers crossed. I have to buy Emie alphabet magnets since she goes gaga for them. She played with Dale's moms and she was standing at her fridge for hours playing. We have butterfly magnets that mikayla has made and she loves those. It's funny how kids play with the simplest things. She loves to play with plastic spoons and bowls. I can't wait till dinner is done, I am smelling it while I am writing and I want to eat now. Once i start working I am going to get new paints so i can start painting and doing more arts and crafts with my girls.

Scared of change

So I start my orientation on Thursday for four hours and then I train for six days. I have to find a sitter for three days during the week to watch emie and i am scared. I have only put Mikayla in daycare and she was 2 when she started. Emie is 9 months and someone will come here to watch her. I am interviewing tomorrow and i found these women from care.com. They all have education with children, that is how I wanted it to be. I am scared of change no I hate change. I know it is good for me but when I am going through it at the moment i am kicking and screaming. I am also scared of working since i haven't done that in over a year. I am also scared that the person babysitting will steal my things. I didn't say i was rational. I am just panicking because there has been so much change in the last few months that I want to scream. All good change, but still scary for me. Oh well i will get past this and life will move on. I won't be bored that's a huge plus. I will still make time for my friends and social life though. I just can't wait to be able to go to stores and get things and go on vacation and save again. Just want to be on track like i was before i was laid off. I really hate winter, its gloomy and too cold outside. I love to do winter activities but sometimes OK pretty much most of the time i like to stay at home where it is warm and cozy. I try to do go out and do family stuff but it is hard to get motivated when it is freezing. We still have to put decorations up in the yard and in the house. I also have cleaning to do this week. Busy busy the way i like to be. I still haven't watched my shows yet. I will do this all today. hopefully. I was up with emie twice last night and the second time i was so tired that i just put her in my bed. I know its wrong but it was like 4 am and the first time took so long to get her to sleep. I am also wondering what to do with my hair. When i was a teenager i blow dried my hair and did it all the time. Now I just wash it and throw it in a ponytail or let it air dry. OK got to go i hear emie.