My heart aches

Monday after a long and explosive 3 hour therapy session (which is normally 1), Mysterious went in the hospital. She has been self harming, threatening to myself and her therapist,  not taking her medications, scratch that throwing up her meds.

Not following directions or doing as told, not caring about herself or others,has harmed me twice- one of the times I was pushed into my curio cabinet and I stuck my hand out for support and broke my finger. She pushed evilcious' s head into the coffee table last year, watched texas fall into the tub and didn't do anything or care. I ran to help him.

Now we are having her have a pysch evual a second time to see if we missed something and that is the requirements for this grant that the hospital is applying for her to be in residential.  Her therapist, her team at the hospital and us believe that residential is what she needs. She needs a controlled environment where staff can help her understand her aggression and agitation towards us.

She gets this way when told what to do. Yes we have disciplined her in taking items away, sending her to her room, manual labour,  respite workers, reward systems,  sticker charts, the whole nine yards. Nothing we or the hospital or the therapist could come up with has worked.
Being bipolar and having aspergers can be hard. But that is what they are teaching her, to understand what goes on on her head , how to control it, using coping skills, walking away, talking it out, except she does none at home. She has no friends. Refuses to make any or even leave the house to play. She refuses to play, instead she fights and stares at you.

I hope this hospital stay or residential works.

Thankful

I wasn't one of those that posts each day in November what I am thankful for. I just don't do that or complain about the weather or take pictures of my food. I am however thankful and do have a list. I am thankful I did not kill my kids since every holiday they take hours to get out the door. Scratch that every day but holiday is worse. Mysterious was having a bad hair day and was trying on tons of headbands.  Evilicious was fighting me over wearing a dress. I wanted her to wear one and sge wanted to be in pants. Yes it would have been easier to have let her win but she is so cute in a dress and when I was younger we dressed up. Yes I hated it and yes I am a tomboy and i don't always wear a dress but she's three and I want her as my princess til she doesn't like me like mysterious doesn't. Ok she likes me today. But she's thirteen and sometimes doesn't like herself. Back to being thankful, I am thankful I have a husband who ignores my crazy yelling at everyone when stressed, gives me a break like last night when I went out by myself and hung out with his mom, gives me affection and works hard on our relationship.  I am thankful for my family and accepting my loud foul mouth and loving my flaws. I'm greatful I can work from home and that someone created a mute button so that I can yell at my kids but still be professional.  I am thankful for chocolate and for that I stay somewhat sane. I am thankful for my friends who accept I am a looney but laugh at I mean with me. I am very thankful for myself and tge yummy desserts I make that make me wish I was not diabetic and that I could eat it all day everyday. I am thankful for all you who read this blog and believe the silly idea that I'm not crazy.

Family sucks sometimes

Its 2 am I should be sleeping since I have to get up early for my sons surgery consultation instead I came home late from work and am arguing with my brother. I no longer talk to my mom since she called dcfs on myself and my husband. Which hurts me everyday not to speak to her.  But she put fear in my children. The investigation was closed and we were found innocent. It was ridiculous allegations. I know longer talk to my family since all they see is lies about me. My family is my dad, hubby, my kids,  my friends and my husbands family. That doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I do miss my family but I can't put myself in situations where I have to constantly defend myself. My family is judgemental and is on high horses alot. I habe been through a lot. Instead of seeing whp I have become and what a beautiful person I am they choose to see me for the lies my mother has told. Which I don't even know what those lies are. It pains me my family will never see my kids grow up, see them get married, see them have kids. I don't understand why it is so important for them to bring others down insted of forgiving and seeing the good things they have done. I am not perfect. But ivrey so very hard to what is best for my family and myself. When I was a kid they were all perfect in my eyes. Now that picture is so tainted. I wish I was born into a family that wasn't so damn dysfunctional.

Something new

This weekend I moved my brother in law to his new house. I'm happy he is starting a new chapter in his life. Its great. But at the same time. I want a new house. I wanted this before he moved since my house is feeling smaller since we have three kids and we want one more plus hubby found a stray and now we have three dogs. So there is a plan in motion for us to find a bigger house in 2-5 years.

It always seems when someone has something new so do I. When my brother has a new game, I want one. When someone has a new phone, I want one. When my brother got  a new car, I wanted one. I love my life and I'm very greatful for all that I have and am not sad at all. It just seems like shiny and new is always cooler.

Maybe I am the only one but that's how I feel. I'm perfectly happy in my life, I just like shiny new things.

Who is this chick?

I am a mother of three who started this blog to have somewhere I could write like a journal and get all of my frustrations, opinions, views, and rants out. I have been doing this for three years now. I have been happily married for three years. I have known and been with him for 11 years on and off. He is not the biological father of our first and second daughters but he is their father through and through. It didn't work out for us the first time because his first wife damaged him (I am his third wife) and the second time I was in a super abusive relationship right before him and I got back together so I was damaged. This time we are soul mates, best friends and so much more than that. We are working on getting our sex life in a better place. Hey we have three kids one of which who is 11 months old and just started sleeping through the night plus I work two nights away from the house coming home at 1/130 am plus I have multiple sclerosis which causes me to be in a lot of pain and extra sleepy, so we have a tendency since the baby to have sex  make love twice a month, we both would like it 3+ times a week, so I am trying to make that happen since I am the dominate one in the bedroom. (and relationship haha)

I have multiple sclerosis, diabetes, asthma, osteoperosis, had a stroke will have another one, hpv, stay at home mom who is an office admin who works from home for my in laws and their business.I am a loud Italian/Mexican who is super passionate, loves hard, fights hard, I am a smart ass, funny, artistic, loves to cook, cuddle on the couch with a good book, love family time, am a Sims nerd, love video games where I can kill people, hard worker, procrastinator, shoe whore, dyes my hair red since that is so vibrant and sexy, sex kitten, outgoing and down to earth. I also cloth diaper, make my own baby food, bake and cook from scratch and I personally wear mama cloth.I am a survivor who has survived 6 rapes, sexual abuse as a child from a family member, child abuse, abuse from two boyfriends, eating disorder, alcholism, drug addict, father who abandoned her at age of 8 and came back at age 16, mother who gave her up to foster care at age 12 then got her back at age 17, mommy and daddy issues.

 My oldest who is 13 who we call Mysterious on here also known as rebel without a clue was diagnosed with bipolar last year, recently diagnosed but not tested yet as Aspergers, has been diagnosed three times for suicidal/homicidal attempts. She is also going through puberty and likes negative attention which we found out yesterday during therapy. She is super creative and great in art. She is an a and b student although she can struggle from time to time on getting d's. She is figuring out who she is and is in the in between of a not a kid anymore but not quite an adult yet.

My middle child who is called Evilicious is 3, loves to jump, dance, sing, act silly with mommy, paint, draw on walls and anything really, loves preschool, super independent to the point it can be annoying because you can't get out the door ;) , loves playing with her brother, very smart, sweet, funny and a terror at times. 

My youngest who is called Texas Ranger on here is 11 months who will be 1 on the day after Christmas. He gets into everything, has a great personality, attacks Evilicious when she is mean to him, all boy, loves to rough house, is super smart, mama boy, loves to eat, loves to laugh, has two teeth, is standing on his own a lot and is trying to walk.

This is my life and I write about it whether its a bad day, a crazy day, a boring day. I put it all out there. 

And we want a fourth and are trying to conceive. WE are nuts!!

Sink or Swim

Last week I was having such a hard time with stress that I was drowning with the overwhelmness  of it all. I decided to either sink or swim. I chose swim. I have been through too much to let stress drown me. I was worried about losing our house since we are behind on two months of mortgage now going on three. Due to our mortgage company being bought out by another company, my husband told me to wait in July to pay the new company which lead to being one month behind and spiraling from there.

We have received letters from the current mortgage company even though we have filled out paperwork for a forbearance from them. We are in constant communication with the mortgage company so that has worked in our advantage and there was nothing wrong, they just scared me because some dumb dumb at the company didn't know we were in communication. So everything is ok with that which makes my stress less.

Than I was stressed out because of working from home, cleaning, giving kids attention and leaving the house. I just needed a balance and I hadn't had that for quite awhile. So last week while being in the shower I came up with plans to make everything work. First I decided that I had to give up the control I thought I had. Then I told my husband as far as the mortgage went I would put as much money as we can aside for it, plus if we couldn't get a forbearance or catch up that we both agreed we would do a mortgage counseling and if we didn't qualify for that, then ask for money from his parents (which we have done once before and I hate doing that) and if they couldn't give it to us (not saying they can't but was just giving myself a worse case scenario) then we would short sale the house and rent a house. I needed a plan or I was going to drown.

Then as far as the balance for work and house duties along with kids went I decided that I would try to leave at least 1-2 times a week. Friday my balance was great except for the getting out of the house and cleaning part done. What I did was I woke up got ready, got all my morning stuff done, fed everyone and started working. It helps now that I have a battery for my computer so I can bring the laptop everywhere and not worry about it dieing without being plugged in. I worked while eating and feeding kids. I also have a stopping point, which is super important for the balance. If I am going into the office that night (a.k.a my mother in laws) I have an end point at 4pm so I can fold laundry from that day (I do laundry everyday or it just piles up) do one chore and than spend some time with my family before I start cooking. Once I am done cooking I eat, then shower my oldest (yes she is 13 but since she has Aspergers and a huge hygiene issue) I have to wash her hair and watch her shave her armpits and wash herself otherwise her hair looks greasy, she will smell and basically she is just in hot water pushing the dirt around.She gave me a migraine from her smell one day and I don't want her picked on.

The days I don't go into work I end at 5 and do my house chores and family time. Which is nice since I relax more on those days. I went to work three nights in a row last week coming home at 1/2 am than getting up at 6/630 to take care of kids while hubby would get up with the baby in the middle of the night. I was so glad it was Friday and I could finally relax. This week I plan on putting the end time in affect (although I do have to keep watch on work emails and make sure I am still giving quotes to customers if they need them in a timely matter which doesn't take long), making sure my one chore is done that day, laundry is folded and put away and I take kids either to the park every day or leave a few times during the week either in the afternoon or the morning and tell my boss( my brother in law, which I did on Halloween that I am not available from this time to this time). I realized I can do this balance it just takes finesse and patience.

The other stress I had was being lonely and not having a social life. Which I also came up with a plan by talking on face book when I have a chance to friends through messenger more, texting more and planning a time to see them but sticking to it. I know sometimes I am going to have a bad day where kids will annoy me, work will annoy me and I want to scream but this way by making a plan things will be a little less hectic and tiring.

Halloween is fun when someone else gets candy for you

Every year we all dress up even the adults. After 11 years of doing this my dad finally looks at me and says this is actually fun. D'oh, seriously?! I looked at him and said really now your enjoying yourself after 11 years of dressing up?! He just looked at me and laughed. What a goof. Halloween is my favorite holiday besides Christmas. I love to dress up and get free candy. I used to work at a haunted house when I was pregnant with Mysterious. I haven't since and I really wanted to this year. There is always next year.

The kids had a blast even though it was rainy and cold. We only did a a three streets when last year we did so much more but hubby and I oops I mean the kids got a lot of candy. ;) They had fun which is the whole point to me. Evilicious was able to trick or treat at her favorite teacher's house. She loves her teacher so much, it is so cute the bond they both have. She won't go to any of the other teachers in the classroom but her. She runs to her first thing in the morning. I really enjoy seeing her connect to the teacher in that way. To me it is important she has a healthy relationship with a female like that. Because of my mother and her crazy ways I not have a healthy relationship with women. Instead I was always looking for a mother figure or my mother was always jealous of the relationships that I formed with women. She even despised my mother in law and the relationship we have. It's sad that is the way she is instead of accepting and enjoying the bond.

Texas enjoyed daddy holding his chunky butt while trick or treating at each house. Which is huge for him since he hates strangers, I mean oh my god you are talking to me screaming making faces where is my mommy panic towards strangers. Mysterious came up with a Halloween costume idea and really enjoyed Halloween this year. She was ventriloquist dummy at school and a murderer at home. It was nice to see her so happy and enthusiastic about something.
Hubby dressed as a zombie, Texas as a dragon.

 My dad as a mad scientist.

 Evilicous as Woody from Toy Story.

 Mysterious as a murderer.

 Me as a masquerade ball dancer. I am in my wedding dress and should of taken a longer picture lol.

Keeping them Safe

Since Monday my little Evilicous E who is 3 has been keeping her door open, staying up late in her room and jumping into my bed/room in the early a.m.. We found out on Wednesday that she does this since her sister Mysterious decided to be mean and tell her that someone would come, break in, take her away and she would never see her  mommy. How mean is that?! Sometimes she gets annoyed with her sister, but this time she really scared her. The poor kid was freaking out. Every noise she heard during the day she would say the people are coming to break in. I kept reassuring her that no one was coming in. We have a guard dog plus mommy has things to use on someone if they were to come into the house to protect us.

She kept insisting every day that someone was coming to break in even though I explained everything to her. So we came up with a safety plan, told her if someone did break in, I would put both kids in my bathroom and she should lock my bathroom door. We practiced her dialing 911 (not actually dialing the number or we would have had police here) telling us what she would say to the police on the phone. Practicing our names, her name, what was happening. Then we went from that to stranger danger which we have prepared her for the last month. You know the don't go to anyone who has candy, puppies, lies about mommy telling them to pick her up. Always holding my hand, never letting go or running away from me in public. I prepared my oldest the same way. My mom never did and my brother would hug and walk off with anyone. I remember when I was 7 we were at the roller skating rink and my mom was panicking since no one could find him. Everyone in the rink was looking. They found him about 20 minutes later 2 blocks away with a stranger he walked with from the rink. He just went up to her, took her hand and left. Thankfully that person was not dangerous and brought him back. She was an older lady and didn't think much of it. But come on I know it was the 80s but that shit was scary.

I know when I was a kid if something bad happened to you, like if you were walking home from school and someone was following you and you needed to go to a safe place there were houses that had stars on them telling you that was a safe house, where you could call the police and not be harmed. Now you don't know who is safe or not. Sad we have to prepare our children for the worse, but I would rather prepare them instead of something happening if I didn't prepare them. Hopefully nothing will ever happen to my babies but I will do what I can to protect them.

Things that annoy me lately.

Here are the things that have annoyed me lately. Not sure if its because I tired, working a lot or just bitchy but here are the things that annoy me badly. Warning there is cussing and slight bitchiness on some parts.

1. Being so cold because it is 30 degrees with a high of 44 and I am freezing balls. And because of being so cold it leaves me with no motivation to get out of bed.
2. People who brag about their kids all the time! There is nothing wrong with someone saying their kid(s) are great and the things they do or accomplish is great but all the fucking time, please get a life if all you do is talk about your kids. No-one cares that they poop and they are 6. (I warned I might be a little bitchy ;) )
3. Kids not listening when you call their name and you know they can hear you, because they are staring at you but actively ignoring you, but its ok to say mom 150 times a day.
4. Drivers that are in such a hurry they are speeding and up your ass only for them to go in and out of lanes to get two cars in front of you. Thanks for scaring me and my kids jackhole.
5. Drivers that are so slow that it takes 5 hours to get 10 minutes down the road with kids who are crying and have to pee.
6. Selfish people who just want to whine, complain about everything and have everyone do everything for them. 
7. My downstairs is so cold I drape in a blanket to be warm, but my bedroom is so hot that I sweat bullets and have to have the window air on to maintain balance.
8. Daniel Tiger- I love his concepts, since my preschooler has and is picking up his wonderful concepts but his songs stick in my head and I am singing them to my 13 year old and she is laughing at me.
9. Not having enough chocolate in my house. I buy a ton but I also eat a ton. And yes I am diabetic but I will not cut out chocolate or people will die and I will be on the six o'clock news randomly bumping people off. :)
10. My dogs when they bark at nothing and wake up children.
11. Being so tired and having sex only 2-3 times a month if I am lucky. Trying to get some 2-3 times a week, will keep you posted when that happens. (Maybe I will be less bitchy ;) )
12. Reading the same article five million times from a million different views on the internet. Sometimes Facebook annoys me but I need my social time since I rarely see other people or talk to other people.
13. Scrambled eggs or cheerios from kids sticking to my socks and being traveled all over the house

Thought there would be more ;)

Feeling left out

Lately i have felt like the kid who doesn't get picked in gym class for dodge ball. I have had acquaintances block me on face book, unfriend me and just stop talking to me without reason. People I use to hang out with stopped all together and I don't always have someone to talk too. I do have friends I can talk to through face book messenger. But that is my general socialization. Yesterday I went to the park after I picked up Evil E from preschool, it is our new tradition to go to the park after, and I talked to two different moms that i have never met before and they were in the same boat as me. It is hard sometimes for me to make play date plans since Texas is still on 2/3 naps a day. That can make things tricky. Plus I need to make time for cleaning and to work.

One of my new mom "friends" that I met yesterday asked if we could meet her again on Thursday after preschool. So yay I have a scheduled park date! My husband teased me. But I don't have friends I talk to every day, I understand we all get busy, I don't expect anyone to drop everything and hang out with me as I clean my house. I learned to manage that sometimes the only socialization I will get will be face book, texts, or the random person talking to me at the park, library, store or mall.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss my old friends or my feelings aren't a tiny bit hurt when someone blocks or deletes me from face book. I do have feelings too. I may be rough around the edges and a bitch. But I still have feelings and sometimes like people. :) I do love the time I spend with my kids. Although sometimes I wish I could drink wine in a sippy cup when they are really bad. Especially now that Texas crawls and is trying to walk and stand. He is a trouble maker and into everything!

I will fight for you

I fight every day with and for my daughter, Mysterious to make a change and overcome her demons. I do this because I am her mom but not only because of that but because I am a survivor. I have been through so much in my 33 years and have held my head up each time even when life was kicking me in the teeth. I am a recovering alcoholic, have been sober for 9 years. I do still occasionally drink but it's a fruity drink, which I drink for the flavor and not to get drunk, escape my life, also after one I am sleepy, so I can't drink more than one. I am also a recovering heroin addict and have been clean for  14 years. I used to crave tootsie rolls when I wanted heroin but now I don't even do that anymore.

I am also a recovering balemic have been eating better for 15 years. I no longer look at my body as fat, sure I have curves but I have learned to love them and food. I have learned that I am not ugly, fat, stupid or a loser. I didn't grow up in a good family. These were the things I heard on a regular basis from the men in my family. I will not point fingers since it does no good to me. I have forgave and moved on. I have accepted that some people are just nasty, judge mental and don't care of others. I teach my children the lessons I have learned. 

I am also a rape survivor and child of sexual abuse and foster child. I have told stories to my oldest which have made us closer. She understands I am the way I am with her because I know how it feels to want to kill yourself, attempt suicide, feel worthless, unloved, except someone put those feelings their on me since they forced themselves on me and created a whole in my heart that put those ugly feelings there. Hers are from her being bipolar and having aspergers. Something that is not anyone's fault or hers. She understands that now and is trying, she does have her bad moments and days but knows that she can make a difference. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. No one hugged and told me it was ok, that it wasn't my fault. 

Instead I was shamed, told I was a troubled child, my mom gave up her rights when I was 12 and I was put into foster homes and group homes until she took me back at 16. I don't want my daughter to end up like I did. I fought every demon all by myself with bad vices, then fought those bad vices by myself. It was so hard, lonely, I was afraid I was going to succeed on attempting suicide. I know my child will do better since I am in her corner. It is easier in life if we have someone to walk and help us through our difficult times. If I have a bad day, stressed out moment or low moment, I tell myself it is nothing like it was before. I can get through this moment and just keep swimming (something I tell myself and my daughter) since I have been through worse than these moments. I have survived boyfriends who beat me. I can survivor anything. 

Because I am tough, my children will be tough as well. I will teach them the ways to make them strong, beautiful children. I have friends I have helped that have had the same problems, it feels good to help others. Sometimes people don't like to listen, and can do the opposite of what i say, but hey its their life and they will learn the lessons of life their way. It took me awhile to figure that out. So I can help teach my daughter but in the end she will learn from her own mistakes. I have patience. One day she will be in a good place. Until then I will be her cheerleader. I can help her get through anything.

Misunderstood

I try to write as honest and open as I can. With that saying I might have some people who don't agree with me or who think there is something wrong with me. I am not going to be miss sunshine. I'm usually in a good mood but sometimes I get stressed or frustrated. We all get that way. I think some people over analyze me or my feelings. I really am simple. I love my kids and hubby. Sometimes I want to shake them and see id candy comes out or if that just makes them better,like a reset button by shaking them and no I really don't shake kids, well at least not mine ;) . I try not to judge people  I know we all do because of morals or meanness or just because we can. You know you are judging me right now since I'm barefoot ;) )I just want not to be judged but instead to be looked at as a person who is just trying to do the best she can to survive it all.

When I'm lonely doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a friend.  I have friends but I don't always have time for play dates and get togethers with naps, cleaning, work, playtime, and hubby as most women don't have time. And I have come with the understanding over time that I'm ok with that. I see my friends when i can or talk by email, text, phone or face book. When I'm frustrated or sad or stressed doesn't mean that I need medication or counseling or medical help. Means I need a break, some me time, some wine time. I just want people to understand me not judge or try to change me.

 I am a bitch, a sweetheart, a mother, a lover, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a loudmouth, a potty mouth, a smart ass, a comedian (or at least I think I am funny), a cook, sometimes a drama queen, a good listener, a survivor and a very strong person. So just because I let you into my life and tell you all my dirty secrets (shhhhh), doesn't mean that you can shake your finger at me. I am just like you but I have red hair, yes its out of a bottle and yes I will be covering those roots soon, geesh I told you to not judge me. I know my icky brown is showing and no your brown is not icky, but mine is just gross to me, I sometimes look like a model when I can do my hair and makeup, I am a good person or try to be and just want people to understand what it is to be a mother of three, stay at home, part time work, one child is bipolar with aspergers.

 All of that is hard plus having multiple sclerosis but I somehow find a way to make it all work and this chronicles those ways and help others to feel not alone and for me to not feel like the crazy mom that i sometimes feel like.

Grumpy old men

So Mysterious M is home. My husband picked her up Wednesday night. An hour after being home she started rolling her eyes and giving attitude. Yesterday morning she started a fight with me and again in the evening. Today she is texting me on her way to school that it's too hard for her. I asked what, she replied school, homework, things are overwhelming. She was doing coping skills in the hospital to cope with different stresses, bipolar episodes, anger issues, life in general and since being back has not done one. She has to try to make an effort. I have no idea how to motivate this child to doing what she has to do since she doesn't care. I just want to shake her sometimes and scream we love you!!!!!

I am terrified she will kill herself while I am sleeping. Being in the hospital doesn't change anything in her. I know life is hard for her being bipolar, aspergers and a girl. But if she can't handle being a teenager how is she going to do it when she is an adult?! I work with her therapist, school counselor, psychiatrist, get her testing for the aspergers, even put her on medication for her depression and my dad said are you sure you are doing everything?! He thinks I am too hard on her. He sees us every two weeks on a Wednesday, sometimes I am yelling at her or my husband is when he is over (he didn't see the argument she started since she came home) and he will tell me that I am not patient enough or that I yell too much or that I am not a good parent.

Are you fricking kidding me?! Unless you are in my shoes day in and day out you have no clue as to what I am doing, the sacrifices I make, the steps I take. It is so easy to judge when you think you are the father of the year. Didn't know father of the year awards went to men who abandon their children at the age of 8, beat them, never hug or show them love. That is how my dad was when I was a child and you want to give me advice! I am open to criticism and am always open to different ideas on how to make life easier and better for her and all of my kids but please don't attack me as a person when you have no idea even what bipolar or aspergers is. He thinks that just means she is a difficult teen. Ugh he makes me so frustrated I just want to take his head and shove it up his ass. Ok scary rant over, but my dad seriously makes me very angry. We have gotten closer over the years and we decided years ago that he can be my dad but not my father. Meaning he can't parent me since I am 33 and when he did come back in my life I was 17 and way too old for him to parent.

 He may not agree with my decisions or my parenting style but I am the adult and I will learn from my mistakes and change things. Sometimes he is just such a grumpy old man and that movie was great but he is not as cool as Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau were in that movie. That is one of my all time favorite movies. My dad would be the bitchy one that they would kick out of the neighborhood :) . Ok just kidding maybe they wouldn't do that but they would slap him around a bit until he stopped being so bitchy. I love him and he is an overall great guy but he sucks as a dad. Back to Mysterious M, I really want things to get better for her. I want her to see what I see. When I text her remember you are loved, a beautiful person, see things positive like I do, she texts back I know. Ugh that is all you can say after I am being the cheerleader here, I just want to shake my head and sit in a corner until someone shakes some sense in that girl. She used to be my little girl that watched disney movies with me and now she is my little girl that says "i hate you", "will you shut up" and "I wish you would leave".

 I think all parents should have a vacation home when kids are in teenager years we can live at until its over. Its even more chaotic when your child has a special need. My life consists of chocolate,coffee and a bottle of wine on occasion. Hoping this weekend will be no fighting, no talking back and doing as told. Ok I almost spit my coffee out when I wrote that. Ok I know I can be delusional at times but maybe the universe will give me that gift.......Just maybe

Warning its dark

I keep having the song “I can’t change” by mackelmore in my head. And it is starting to feel like my theme song lately.  I am lonely and have so much on my plate that I am ready to burst. I have no support system. Yes I have a loving husband, yes I have a loving family. But I am a hard nut to crack and this nut is cracking. It is hard for me to open up to them and tell them what is going on. I have told my husband and he just pushes it aside. I am going to break soon! I want to scream and shout “Why won’t you see world that if no one holds me and tells me that it will be ok and give me the support I will break!” I don’t mean cry and have a break down in front of you. I mean end it all. My worst fear of it all. I am the glue to this family to everyone and right now the glue is unsticking. The glue is cracking, peeling and melting.

 Won’t someone help this glue before it can never stick again?! I am not saying suicide is the answer or that a break down is. I am saying I am lonely, tired, stressed, need a break  and need someone there for me. Please help this glue so that I don’t break.  I miss my mom right now more than ever. But until she notices that she needs help for her schizophrenia I can’t be around her. I have so many issues that I have overcome that it would truly suck if all of this was my end. I just want my mom or a mom. I have my mother in law, but I feel ashamed to tell her what is going on. I come from a dysfunctional family and she is normal. Whatever that is. But she is not dysfunctional neither is my husband, so they don’t understand the demons I slay inside on a daily basis so that I can overcome the demons for my child. I do so much for my children and my family but sometimes it all catches up to me and my demons strangle me until I have no more breath inside and I just want to scream! 

Writing this out feels better. As I started to have kids I forgot to write and now I am left with this shell that will crack easier than it did before. I used to write poems, stories, anything to let all the demons out. I would paint, sing, because I am talented in those areas. I once had a poem posted all over the school paper and in the school because my teacher was so proud of my poem. That person took a back seat to herself while this shell took over to raise kids. I need to find that demon slayer again so that I can survive all this. I have been alone my whole life. A lone wolf that has been through a lot and has overcome everything all by myself. I am use to being alone. 

Sometimes I prefer it over the drama of people. I need her back. I am trying to find her more and more before all of this drowns me. This was very hard to write since i had to be very open and expose myself. But I had to do it. I had to bare all. I make excuses to ignore myself and the things i need like writing, painting and just being by myself. I have to take myself back before its too late. Thank you mackelmore for giving me my theme song through this dark moment. 

Can't catch up

Lately I feel like I can't catch up with where I want to be. My days consist of cleaning, kids, work, laundry, cooking, preparing baby food, stuffing cloth diapers, fighting with middle child to listen, fighting with oldest to try and to care. I haven't had time to take a little me time by either watching tv shows or playing my video games.  My husband and I barely have sex twice a month if were lucky since the baby came. I haven't left the house unless its a weekend. (My middle child has been in a mood where she just wants to stay home.) I just feel like all I do is domestic shit and this mama needs a break. I want ti play my video game. I want to go somewhere fun with kids. I hate being locked in like Rapunzel. My hair isn't that long. I am super concerned my oldest will be in residential inpatient if she doesn't start trying. She plots my death on a daily basis. She wants to kick her baby brother. I don't understand why she doesn't see what we do for her. Especially me! It hurts to see someone not try and not care wondering if  she will kill herself. I hear constantly my life sucks, your a horrible mom. I think lately that's why I don't fight so hard to leave the house. I have no desire to leave. I feel like a monster. I know she is just angry and its not my fault but it still gets to you. Thankfully I leave twice a week for work for a few hours. That helps. My husband helps but sometimes he just fights with her and It makes it all worse. I just need it all to get easier. I don't know I how I can make it any better than I am trying to do. But everyone has to work with me or I will just drown from all of this. I am a strong person and very patient. But I have had my fill lately with all the arguing, negative comments, negative thoughts and not trying. My middle child is picking up some of these behaviors. I sometimes honestly just want to lock myself in a room and just veg with the tv. Obviously with kids since I would never leave them. I just need a break badly. I need a break from the constant chaos. She is so out of control lately that everyone has seen it. Usually she won't fight or be this way in front of others but lately its in front of everyone and anyone. I feel like I should hide all of us away from the view of others when she is like this. I constantly give her pep talks and let her know that i am here for her. We will see if it changes soon or we will have to put her back in. I just don't want to do that. I know that if she is not trying now that she might not try in inpatient or when she comes back out.

Dr.Voodoo

My oldest during a therapy session on Monday told her therapist and myself that we were evil. She has a tendency to blame us for things that go bad. I won't go in depth on what happened in therapy for her privacy. But I will tell about Dr.Voodoo. She told us that I put evil thoughts in her mind. So to make light of it to ease the tension and make her smile I said if I am  so good at being evil I should be a super villain. And she said Dr voodoo . The therapist laughed and asked my oldest if she was a villain too. Mysterious m said yes. So we said we will make capes and dress like villains in therapy since we are so evil. She laughed and it made her realize it isn't our fault or hers but that sometimes her  bipolar makes her moody and gives her bad thoughts. Dr voodoo saved the day. It pays to be a bad villain to make your child smile. So in the car yesterday, she was talking about Dr. Voodoo and I asked her if she would like Dr. Voodoo to write her letters when she is in a bad mood. She was so excited and said "Yes!!!". So Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance to make her happy when she is having a hard day. I am going to Comic Con on this Saturday and she asked if I could dress up as Dr. Voodoo. I said of course! So in the little time I have from now till then I need a cape (which she wants to be red, and we-my husband and I, decided on a voodoo doll as the image on my cape and on a shirt), I was going to wear my black leggings to be like tights that they wore, black boots, a belt, a red mask and a leotard. Well, I am not sure where to get a leotard, I need to put the image or have it made on a shirt to go over my leotard, need a cape, need a top hat (since that is typically what voodoo priests and priestess wear), any ideas on how to do this would be great. My husband said I am crazy for trying to make this or have it done by Saturday but it is what she wanted and I will do anything for my kids. I do wish that I had more time, but thats ok I like challenges lol. So hopefully Dr. Voodoo will make an appearance this Saturday. I wish I could bring her with me but because of the Aspergers and her social anxiety she is not ready for a crowd that size yet. Soon she will be. She will be starting social groups to help her with that very soon.

my guest post

go check me out at http://thecrumbdiaries-curveballs.blogspot.com/2013/08/summer-guest-post-5-by-heather-of.html. I poured my heart out about the situation that is home here.

Through sickness and health

Over the past weekend I was sick with a stomach virus. My stomach hurt so bad that I was willing to make any deal with the universe to feel better. I would of rather been in labor with another baby that's how bad I felt. Through out the whole weekend while I was feeling icky my husband took over and helped with kids and nurses me. (He usually helps a ton) but this was different. I laid on the couch and played simcity while my stomach cramped. It was nice to relax. I still helped feed the baby. But I'm glad for my hubby. When asked if she would help me my oldest refused and said why should I help mom with her chores I just want to be lazy. Got to love teenagers.  Now she's sick and she wants mommy to baby her. Even though she was mean to me all weekend and I was a little mean back since my feelings were hurt I still take care of sick kids even if that means baby them. That's just the type of mom I am. I hope the two little ones don't get this. My little evil e had a stomach virus so bad a few months back that she had to be hospitalized. It was scary. She couldn't keep anything down. She was constantly sick, very dehydrated. Looked like a skeleton. I was worried. She even lost weight. After two days in the hospital with meds and an I.v she was better. My heart goes out to the moms and dads who have kids with cancer and terminal illnesses. She was just sick with a bug and I was scared. I can't imagine how it is for the parents with a really sick child. Hopefully she won't get it and I really hope the baby won't either.

Cell Phone Hell

I have been a US Cellular customer for 8 years and I love them! But sadly I received a letter that they sold my contract along with any who lives in Illinois, St. Louis and Indiana to Sprint. I hate Sprint. I used to have AT&T than they switched to Cingular and they were putting extra amounts in my bills with no explanations, than Nextel who switched to Sprint who was shutting my phone off after I paid a bill and wanted more money. They did this when I locked my keys in the car and needed to call for help so I had to walk a few miles in the rain to a ranger station since I was camping. I was super frustrated. I am very sad and frustrated to have to look for a different phone since my is invalid at other companies and find a company that has good deals, customer service and doesn't drop calls. I am very nervous. I have been doing research on this for the last few days. I know this may sound silly to some since it is just a cell phone. But unfortunately I am very much attached to electronics from the hip. I lost my phone once at the Library and quickly found it but in that short time I was freaking out. I have so much information on my phone that is important that if I lost it I would feel like my arm was cut off and I wouldn't know what to do. Same with my laptop. I know there was a time that we didn't have cell phones or laptops but I am so tech savvy and attached that if we had a permanent black out like my favorite show "Revolution" I would probably have a heart attack lol. So I have narrowed it down to T-mobile and Verizon. Both have good deals but T-mobile has already pissed me off. I found the plan and phone yesterday that worked for me and sent it through online and stupidly used a credit card that was in my maiden name (They won't switch to my married last name till I sent a social security card, which I won't) so I had to talk to customer service and the guy was trying to get me to buy on the phone and kept telling me things that were wrong.( I told you I do my research and am very tech savvy. I was once offered a job at US Cellular for knowing so much about phones. If I am going to spend the money I better know the product and make sure it is worth my money and time. )So he deletes the order and tells me to redo the order which I do and it tells me to call customer service again. This time the rep tells me that my account needs verifying and this takes a few minutes than she tells me to refresh my screen, I do and then it was declining my credit card which she tells me I have to go into the store. I hate going into cell phone stores because you sit in line for awhile, They try to sell you stuff you don't want/need, and sometimes I don't like people that much lol. So I am going to try doing this online again if this doesn't work than Verizon wins by default. Ugh so frustrating. I am almost said (in a tantrum state mind you) yesterday that I was going to add my tablet to my husbands account on Sprint and not have a phone but talk on my tablet. I won't be able to text but can make phone calls and I love my tablet. Everyone laughed at me that I said this too. I just hate all of this decisions. Oh well if that is all that my problem is than I guess my life is really good :) Hopefully this gets resolved soon since I sat all day on the computer yesterday trying to figure this out. I have a no electronics/tv rule after 11am so I can spend unlimited/uninterrupted time with the kids and they are not allowed to watch tv either. So we turn on music and dance, or do crafts or go somewhere. Than during nap time I can go back online after I do my chores. My name is Heather and I am addicted to my computer,cell phone, lap top and i pod lol.

Mom or non mom?

I have been struggling with my "mom" look. I literally have shirts in my dresser divided in two sections mom and non mom shirts. The "non mom" shirts are just graphic t shirts, young hip looking. The "mom" shirts are a little more baggier and something my mom would wear lol. The "mom" shirts are not ugly they have designs and they fit me well but they make me feel like an old lady, they are something you would buy in the womens section of a store which is geared to the older women and the "non mom" shirts are in the junior section of a store geared for younger women. I am not saying that you can't look like a mom dressed like in high heels and a mini skirt. There is no right or wrong. I personally dress like a non mom when I am with  mom friends and when I am home I dress like a mom. I have put myself in this category where I split myself when Mysterious m was born. Because I am tattooed and come from a family where that is not acceptable. I do make sure when I am with family that I have a sweater to cover up my arms, so that is another reason I split myself up in two different categories. I want to be a cute mom in nice clothing. I like to look good because it makes me feel good. My hair is super long and I have been debating on cutting it short to get a different look and making it easier to style. Because again back to the mom look, I feel like I have mom hair. Not super mom hair, but I am showered, brushed and either braided, or half pony mom hair. Which is not bad looking but after awhile it starts to make me feel frumpy. I want people to see me in a store and not be able to tell by looking at me that I have three kids. I am not saying there is anything wrong that I have three kids. I love my kids. I just want to feel young and fresh. Same reason I have dyed my hair for the last 22 years, for the vibrant look that red gives me. I go through this phase after each child once I loose the baby weight and try to get back to finding myself. With each child I cut my hair differently, got new clothes and broke out of my mom mold. It is so I still have an identity and not just mom. I am still Heather and that is why even if I am at home I still put eyeliner, mascara and do my hair. I want to feel good and confident. I know we all struggle with weight issues, body issues and image issues. I just want to feel good. Do you ever feel like this? What is your wardrobe like?

Feel like I am drowning

I can't believe it has been five months since I last wrote on here. I constantly am saying to myself ooh that will be a good blog and i forget and don't blog anything. Today I need to start doing things for myself especially blogging. I am feeling very in a funk today the raining isn't helping and they are talking about snow tomorrow and two days next week. Ugh well enough about the crazy weather. I am feeling like all I am is a mom not saying that is a bad thing. Let me help you understand what I am meaning. When you are a working mom (speaking from my own experiences not every working mother in the world) which I was once upon a time, I wanted to be able to with my kids more, spend more time doing fun things with them, I felt chained to my job. Now that I am a stay at home mom and have been for a few years now I feel chained to my home. So I am trying to find a balance where I don't just feel like a mom and not a person. Also I have noticed when I am talking to family or non mom friends, I feel like all I am doing is talking about my kids and not listening as much. Which is one of my flaws I am working on. I do most of my thinking in the shower, and as I was enjoying my shower so I could enjoy my coffee I thought about my blogging, not having any real me time, not doing anything for myself really anymore. Today I am a little lonely, feeling a little down, and realizing I can't allow these feelings to take over or I will just lose. And I hate losing lol. Lately since of weather my day has consisted of me just fading out in front of a television or playing a game. Some time I don't feel like such a great mom since my daughter usually doesn't watch much television but lately she has watched entirely too much. I do plan play dates 2-3 times a week so that we are being social and getting out of the house. But I want to do more. So today I am getting off my pity pedestal and am going to be a better mother(not saying I am a bad one, just today I feel like I suck). Sometimes life kicks you in the head and you feel discouraged. I am feeling that way a lot lately. With Mysterious m struggling with her bipolar, which is hard on me since she really isn't trying in therapy all she does is blame me, or repeat things she is told, we are all working on her to express her feelings in the right way and to own up to her lying, bad habits, laziness. It is a struggle but I am hopeful. She is starting a mentor program tomorrow where a lady will come into my home and take her out twice a week for two hours at a time. She will take her wherever she wants to go and teach her coping skills, better ways to talk to us, social skills and other things we talked about in therapy that I can't remember right now. I am positive in the long run this will work out. That is the only way I can be in this hard situation is hopeful. I am hopeful my husband will learn how to be more patience with Mysterious m and her bipolar, I am hopeful Mysterious m will be more positive and less dramatic. I am hopeful that I will get more strength each day to continue to help her.Now to the other children: Evil e is learning more like behind you, next to you and I am so proud of her. She has more conversations with me and she is a delight. She has recently started having a problem with wetting herself while napping or sleeping. She is completely potty trained and now wears pull ups. I am not sure why we went backwards but I am trying to help her. Walker is extremely fussy lately and barely naps during the day. Yesterday he slept twice in the car, I went to visit a family member and it was the most he has slept in days. Not sure why he is having a sleep problem during the day but am thankful it is not at night. The last time we weighed him he was 16.5 pounds. I will have to weigh him to see how much he has gained recently. He will be four months on 4/26. My little boy is growing so fast. It makes me sad to realize how fast my kids are growing. I am going to try to give myself a little me time a day to do things beside shower, drink coffee and read my book at night. I promise to write each morning during coffee time or atleast a few times a day. Please don't think I don't want want to be a mom or that I don't like my kids, I am trying to just find a balance. I have a brain that likes to continue to have knowledge. I used to read textbooks about different subjects when I was bored when I was 20. I think I might do that again, I'm weird but I like learning new things and not feeling like my brain is turning to mush. Ok well Evil e has woken up and coffee time is almost over so tomorrow my friends......