Working girl equals poor girl

So I haven't been on here for a few weeks due to working and being so tired. i have been working 4 or 5 days a week and it has been kicking my butt. When I get home I cook and take care of kids and then relax before bed. I feel so stiff when I get home. my joints hurt so bad. Oh well that is what happens when you want to work. So I talked to a friend today who is in a rough patch right now but will get past this.  i was telling her that she could get past this rough patch just to stay positive. I felt really good with the advice I gave her and i just felt good helping someone so dear to me. i have been through so much in my life that it feels good to use my life experience and help someone out. I try to stay positive on a daily basis and overcome whatever battles i have to. my keys on my computer are getting stuck right now and not typing the right letters. ugh. oh well. I am trying to make time for my friends and not be all about work and no play. what really sucks is all of the working i am still behind on bills and in debt. I also still have no money to touch since i spent everything i needed to on bills. Can not wait for tax money so that i can get the things i need. i can not wait to use some of that money. of course not all of it, it will go to my savings. So for Christmas i got lots of stuff for me to paint with and draw. I got an i pod from dale with a best buy gift card but i cant find the stupid gift card anywhere. ugh. really want to find that so i can get a sims 3 expansion game. I also got a lot of racing games for the wii from dales brother and parents. The kids got everything they wanted. Liv dolls for mikayla and walking toys for emerald. (Did i tell you she walks? she started last month, she also got more teeth. so now she has two teeth on top and three on bottom, she is also getting two more teeth on top) I had a blast on Christmas eve with dales mom's family. We stayed till 2 am. It was so much fun. I can't wait to do it again next year. Christmas day was nice. It had some dramatic moments (not my fault, some people just don't  want anyone happy) but it was a very full day. NYE we are having a few friends over at the house but it will low key and relaxing. I can't wait. I really like that i am close with dales parents and brother. I love being part of there family. I can't wait for them to be my in laws. I really appreciate all that dale does for me. He really is a good man. Today while i worked and he was off, he watched the kids and did a bunch of chores around the house. It really is nice when someone else helps do the chores. I love being with him. I truly am happy. Our dog nikki is snoring while i am typing lol. it's sad that mikayla has to go back to school on Monday so i will miss her. i miss my kids when i work. i know i see them when i come home. but i still miss them. Being a mommy is hard. I would never change that for any reason in the world. I know i am happy but i am also a little sad that things are estranged between my brother and my mother. They just don't see things the way i do. They always think that i am wrong and i am evil and there is no other way but there way. oh well cant please everyone. that is what i tell myself everyday when i feel helpless to other people. Well my leg is starting to hurt and i am getting tired.

TgIF

I am so happy it's Friday. I am off for two days. Next week I am only scheduled for three days with a total work week of 19 hours but i am going to see if i can pick up some extra hours. Depending on how tired I am today i am going to try to go to the moms night out. I really need some mom friend fun time. I haven't gone out since September. Plus i want to see my friend Erin, i haven't seen her in a month. I can't believe how fast this month has gone by. Before you know it will be Emerald's one year birthday and Mikayla's 11th birthday. Wow am i old. lol. I am so excited I have work friends. I am just an excitable person to begin with, little things make me happy. I don't think that is a problem. Too many people are sad and depressed, being happy is a good thing. I gave Emie some big plastic spoons to play with. She is loving them. I am writing this and eating oatmeal. I really do the same thing every day. lol. I have an Abba song stuck in my head right now so its hard to write. lol. I know i ramble a lot. I always have more than one thought in my head. My hands are so badly chapped from the winter and doing dishes at work. I have to think about what to do for emies birthday and mikaylas. I am not sure if i am doing themes, i never really did before. I will write more later tonight. Have to get ready for my day.

Is it friday yet?

Another 3p till 11p shift today. Very tired today. I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 2 or 3 with emie and put her in our bed for a bit and back into the crib she went. Then I woke up at 715 with both kids and started my day. i think today I will definitely try very hard to take a nap. Work is good just physically hard on my body since i haven't worked in over a year. But i will get through it. When I got dressed I heard a noise and the city of lake in the hills was cutting down branches from my tree. Maybe it was too big. I don't know. So this week is work, Thursday my dad is coming over for our weekly visit, maybe moms night out on Friday (depending on how tired I am from work), Sunday we are going to Dale's parents house for his birthday dinner and a possible visit from my mom. Busy busy. Along with all that I clean and cook. Is it time to relax yet? So looking forward to not moving at all on Saturday. Mikayla is off of school next week and she is excited. I will be happy as long as she is not full of attitude all week. I am so sore and tired today. I really enjoy my morning time with emie when I am feeding her bananas and she feeds herself. Watching wife swap. This show cracks me up. I love seeing the diverse people they switch lives with and the crazy outcomes that happen. I love watching drama but hate it in my life. I know it is silly. But watching other peoples drama who signed up for that is funny to me. I can't wait for after the holidays so I can go on a date with dale. I am waiting till after holidays because of presents. I so want to see a few movies. I want to see the new witch movie. Forgot the name sorry. I really do want to go out on Friday with the other moms it is just hard when I get home i have to make myself go into the kitchen and cook and sit and relax after otherwise i won't want to cook. It is really nice that dale helps me when I get off of work even though he worked. I love the help. I also love the help from mikayla. Help is always good. I feel so accomplished since my house is clean and everything is taken care of. Then I feel I can really relax and enjoy it since I earned it. I think after January once all of the paychecks are normal and i have caught up on bills and things are stable, I will take two online classes toward my degree to start things off. I got myself three new PlayStation 3 games and I am so excited to play them. Just haven't had the time. lol. I traded my xbox 360 games since my xbox is broken and dale says it isn't worth fixing. I am going to by myself either a kinect or the wii motion when i get my tax money. I so want the zumba game.

Super mom or super busy

Today I have to work at 3 and already I woke up at 530 with emie went back to sleep then woke up at 7. Then fed her a bottle, a banana and yogurt for breakfast. I also made my breakfast, cleaned the bathroom while bathing emie, folded and put away my laundry, vacuumed the basement, vacuumed the main floor and put emie down for a nap. I took a shower and got ready for work. Now i want a nap, great how am i going to stay awake at work till 11? ugh! oh well got to do it. Today and tomorrow i work 3p-11p for training on how to close in case someone calls in sick at night. Normally I will be working days which is good so I can be with my family. But I do love my time in the morning with emie. I am getting a review before January 1st so they can hire me permanently since my seasonal contract ends on January 1st. I am really glad to find something that i like and can do with my schedule. I like the new nanny and so far she is doing an awesome job. I will tell you however that working after not working for a year is kicking my butt, i am so tired when i get home that i don't want to do anything. But i come home and i cook and take care of emie. Dale is great with helping with the kids and cleaning up while i relax. Tonight he is watching the kids all night and feeding them dinner. Same with tomorrow. Hope it all goes well for him. I cant wait for the weekend. I get to enjoy it with my family. Next week i only work three days because of the holiday. I have to finish my online Christmas shopping so it is done this week. I really need a nap right now. Now i just need to find time for my friends. Cause i can do it all.

work is hard

Sorry I haven't written in awhile my schedule at work has been crazy. I was so tired after working all week yesterday that Friday i fell asleep at 7 and woke up at 9. I relaxed all day Saturday to recover from the week. This week is another full week of working and taking care of kids. I also have to finish my online Christmas shopping. Busy, Busy. I also need to have time for friends. I like working, I just hate being away from my baby. Oh well got to make the money. I am still seasonal but my head boss said she doesn't see a reason why i wouldn't get hired full time. So we will see. I was so stressed out yesterday. I had to fire a babysitter who called in twice in one week and who wasn't really doing anything with emie besides plopping her in front of the TV. I came home to Emie having a very dirty diaper. She also thought I was nit picky because she wanted to be the boss and tell me what she could do with my kids. really?! So Dale and I did interviews yesterday and we had a hard time choosing between two we liked. But we picked the best one and I hope she does well. She likes education with kids and thinks everyone should start teaching a baby how to count, colors, alphabet. I like that. She also wants to do creative projects with both kids. love that. I have a good feeling with her. Also she had worked with two families before for a while. So that is a plus. Not much new on the baby trying front. We are still trying and waiting to see if my period comes. I am still behind on my shows. So hopefully soon I will be catching up. I just hope to catch up on bills since my unemployment ended and i started my job i haven't paid bills yet for this month. I just cant wait till the money is all settled and i am hired permanent and i can just calm down on stress. I also cant wait for Christmas and family time. I love holidays with family.

Very tired

Today was another day of training in food area of target. I had a blast and my boss was impressed by me. She told me that it most likely won't be seasonal for me. She also told me she likes my personality, my listening and doing what I am told and she wants to make me her go to gal. I am so enjoying working but getting up so early really sucks. Tomorrow I have to get up at 515 so I can get ready and eat and be at work by 7. I feel so accomplished today, I vacuumed the floors, bathed emie, made dinner and cleaned up some messes around the house. I also started this new form of chores at my house for my oldest. I got a white board and wrote all the chores and rules of how I want things to be. She gets a green stone for every chore, helping out and positive attitude. She gets a white stone for every negative action and not doing chores. We total the stones at the end of the week and subtract green stones where the white were and the total has to be the amount we chose. If she gets that amount she can pick where we go on Sunday for fun. If she continues to behave and get a lot of green stones for a few weeks in a row I will let her earn to get a new video game or something. I am trying to get her motivated to do chores and help out with attitude and to have mouthing off and attitude to a minimum. I feel very positive about this. It is already starting to work a little bit. I can't wait till I am off this week so I can enjoy the day now that I have earned it. Every time I come home Emie misses me so much that she won't let me put her down. i feed her my lunch and put her down. Its so cute. It's nice to be working and enjoy what I have in my life. Good family, good man, good kids. I love my life. i have to go shower and sleep and do it all again tomorrow. plus it is so cold and I wish i had a tunnel to walk in instead of going out side in the cold.

Good Changes

I had a fun and good day at work today. I was training as a cashier and the four hours went so fast. Everyone was real nice at work and i can't wait to train next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The sitter I found was really good too. She is only 18 but very charismatic, they way we get along is as if she is one of my family. She makes me feel very comfortable to leave Emie with her. Emie didn't nap for long or eat her whole lunch with her but she played with her constantly. When i came home Emie ate my lunch with me and fell asleep sitting on my lap. She missed me so much she wouldn't let me put her down, she constantly wanted to be in my arms or on my lap. It was cute and made me feel very good that she wanted to be close to me. I love my girls and I am glad to spend the time i do with them. I can't wait to start getting money and to be able to save and buy myself things i want. There is no other good feeling but the feeling you have when you earned something. Last night Emie woke me up at 345 and stayed up til 5. I finally fell back asleep and struggled to wake up at 630. I really didn't want to wake up so early. I decided that I will wake up around that time everyday during the week even if I am not working early so that I can be ready before the girls are up and get used to getting up early. It's not like I slept late normally, it's just that I would rather stay on my work schedule and get in the groove of things. i hope to sleep till 8 on weekends but will see how that goes. i really don't want it to snow tomorrow, I hate driving in snow. I can't wait to see how Emie reacts to snow, whether she likes it or not. I was checking her mouth for new teeth since she has been teething for a few months. her third tooth is coming in. It looks so pretty. I love babies with teeth. I can't wait for Christmas and watching Emie trying new things and her first moments in things. I finally put up all the Christmas decorations in the house with the family and Emie kept trying to steal the items and crawl away with it. it was so cute. Tonight my multiple sclerosis is making my body hurt so bad. My legs are hurting where i don't want to move. I hate having this disease, i try to not let the pain get to me. I have been trying to call public aid and see why i haven't gotten any new cards in the mail. usually they mail the next month but I haven't gotten any since September. The girls and I have public aid. I really need to go to a neurologist and get medication for my ms. The pain has just gotten to much for me. i will just get past it like i always do. Watching ghost adventures and I am still behind on my shows. I love ghost adventures.

First Day

Tomorrow is my first day of work and i am so nervous. i am nervous about starting a new job, not working in over a year, whether or not they will make me permanent and being away from Emie. My friend who I have known for five years is going to watch her for me. i do have to drive instead of someone coming to me but I know her and trust her. That decision made it a little easier on me but I am still nervous about leaving her. I hate leaving my kids so i can work. I feel like I am abandoning them. i have always hated going to work when mikayla was little at night. It's harder when they are little. i can only do what i can do though, i know that but it is still hard. I have to work so we can have extra money and not worry about money being tight. i hope I get through this. I am making spaghetti and the house smells so good. I love to cook. I won't be bored now that I am working. I guess the hardest part will be weekends when they told me i will be working evenings. I will know my schedule tomorrow so hopefully it's not too bad. I know I only work five days but i am already missing my kids and I am home. I feel like my freedom is gone, I know it's silly. But it's the way I feel. Today I had a phone conference with mikayla's teacher and found out how she doesn't tell the truth to me or the teacher. She also doesn't give her teacher her homework or important papers. I feel more informed and like she will succeed more after talking to her. I am going to start setting up goals for myself so I feel accomplished and not lazy. I know after working i will feel good when I can spend money and not worry about it. It's just my emotions. I have to take a pregnancy test after next week to see if are trying has worked or not. My hormones and taste buds have been all over the place the last two weeks but will see if that is just stress or a baby. Keep your fingers crossed. I have to buy Emie alphabet magnets since she goes gaga for them. She played with Dale's moms and she was standing at her fridge for hours playing. We have butterfly magnets that mikayla has made and she loves those. It's funny how kids play with the simplest things. She loves to play with plastic spoons and bowls. I can't wait till dinner is done, I am smelling it while I am writing and I want to eat now. Once i start working I am going to get new paints so i can start painting and doing more arts and crafts with my girls.

Scared of change

So I start my orientation on Thursday for four hours and then I train for six days. I have to find a sitter for three days during the week to watch emie and i am scared. I have only put Mikayla in daycare and she was 2 when she started. Emie is 9 months and someone will come here to watch her. I am interviewing tomorrow and i found these women from care.com. They all have education with children, that is how I wanted it to be. I am scared of change no I hate change. I know it is good for me but when I am going through it at the moment i am kicking and screaming. I am also scared of working since i haven't done that in over a year. I am also scared that the person babysitting will steal my things. I didn't say i was rational. I am just panicking because there has been so much change in the last few months that I want to scream. All good change, but still scary for me. Oh well i will get past this and life will move on. I won't be bored that's a huge plus. I will still make time for my friends and social life though. I just can't wait to be able to go to stores and get things and go on vacation and save again. Just want to be on track like i was before i was laid off. I really hate winter, its gloomy and too cold outside. I love to do winter activities but sometimes OK pretty much most of the time i like to stay at home where it is warm and cozy. I try to do go out and do family stuff but it is hard to get motivated when it is freezing. We still have to put decorations up in the yard and in the house. I also have cleaning to do this week. Busy busy the way i like to be. I still haven't watched my shows yet. I will do this all today. hopefully. I was up with emie twice last night and the second time i was so tired that i just put her in my bed. I know its wrong but it was like 4 am and the first time took so long to get her to sleep. I am also wondering what to do with my hair. When i was a teenager i blow dried my hair and did it all the time. Now I just wash it and throw it in a ponytail or let it air dry. OK got to go i hear emie.

crazy thoughts in my head

So don't laugh but I watched Paranormal Activity on Saturday and it has totally rattled my brain. I love horror movies, being scared, haunted houses. This is different, this was not just a horror movie it was a demon affecting peoples lives in their home. You might not believe this but i believe those kind of things are real and can mess with you. I won't go into into a lot of detail but it is something I truly believe in and is part of my religion. No I am not a devil worshiper but I don't really want to get into detail on here what it is. I am not ashamed of my religion but people have a tendency to over analyze things and make things look and sound wrong. So back to the movie I have been walking around this house hearing every little noise and going what was that. It has rattled me so much I don't want to be alone. I know it is silly, I used to hang out at much scarier places for fun years ago but my house can get so quiet and I am so not used to quiet because my whole life I have been in a house full of so many people at once. Its day time and I am freaking out wondering if something will grab me. Ha Ha OK enough of the ghost talk. Emie woke me up twice last night and now she is still sleeping. It's almost 9 come on kid wake up and keep your crazy scared mama company. I think that my mind can be rattled since I have a very active imagination and love supernatural things, vampires, things of the unknown, scary things. I can't wait to watch the last two weeks of supernatural. i am so behind on my shows its killing me. But I watch my shows on Mondays or Tuesdays, it's kinda my thing. I also haven't had coffee since everyone has been on thanksgiving break in this house and I have been sick. So I have to catch up on supernatural, greys anatomy, private practice, brother & sisters and glee. Also have to catch up on no ordinary family. I like it but I don't have an undying desire to watch it like i do with supernatural. i love that show so much. I always wanted to be a writer for a TV show or a movie. Have you ever wanted to be someone else besides who you are? Have you ever wanted to do something else with your life? Not saying I don't like my life. I really do like my life, I just am so creative and imaginative that i often wonder what else I could be doing with that brain. Sometimes I feel crazy with all that creativity sitting in my head and not doing anything with it. Once i start working again and getting money in that is mine I will buy an easel and some art supplies and use them. Don't worry just because I have a job I will still write on here. I just haven't written daily since mikayla was off of school and dale was off. But I won't let that happen again, every day I will write and show you my crazy thoughts. Ha ha. I am not crazy just creative. I also like to think of things I would want to invent if I could do that. I need to find a good fantasy book to read. I am totally open for suggestions. I love to read psychological books. OK have to go emie is awake. finally.

Just Wondering

As we get older it gets harder to find real friends that will last. I have a lot of acquaintances and friends who I occasionally talk to. I do have friends who I hang out with when it fits in both our schedules, i just can't understand why some people act like they will be your friend but they only want to be your friend when it is convenient to them. You feel like you are close to them, like you get along well with them and then out of the blue they stop talking to you. Then they just talk to you only when they need someone to complain too. I just want to find some close friends to stay friends with for the next 15 years or so. Life is hard enough we don't need to add to it. I have a good life, I just want some friends who can share that with me. I have had a good week. Wednesday I had to go to a drug testing for my new job. It took me an hour and a half to get the test right. What I mean by that is I had to pee in a cup, sounds easy right. Not for me it wasn't, I had a shy bladder and it took me three trys to finally do it. Then I went home to get the kids ready so we could go to my dad's house for thanksgiving with him. It was nice going to his house and visiting with my dad and his girlfriend. Emie and Mikayla played on the piano, while we talked. Thursday we went to Dale's parents house and had good food and played phase 10. It was a lot of fun. I didn't go to my family because I wanted a break from some of the people there that don't like me. I stand by my belief that family should not judge you, should show you love, and stand up for you. I also couldn't go because of the time that my family eats on holidays. Yesterday we had a nice and lazy Friday together. We all stayed in our PJ's and just hung out with each other. We went to the store for groceries and some black Friday items we needed. No I did not get presents on black Friday. Dale and I do online shopping easier that way and no crazy people to deal with. I don't understand why someone would wake up so early to go shopping. I saw a picture of the lines on target.com, wow was it crazy looking. They have good deals online too that is why I do it that way. I reset up my PlayStation 3 since I moved here I haven't set it up online. I have netflix so I can watch it through the wii or PlayStation 3. And I found some games I want to download onto the PlayStation 3 that I want to play. I only have one game for it. Yes I am a person who plays video games. I have a wii, PlayStation 3, and an xbox that needs to be fixed. I am addicted to Sims 3 on the computer but I only play them every few months or so. I love playing games online. I am addicted to time management games. Today we are going to put up the tree and decorations around the house. We had to make the decision between fake or real tree last night. We decided a fake tree would be better financially and for the animals in the house. I love decorating the house in pretty lights. I am still sick and can't wait till it is over. Just hope my oldest can be in a better mood today and not mouth off anymore. Oh well what can you do.

Ice Cream is good for sore throats

I have had three bowls of ice cream tonight to stop my throat from hurting. I have a sinus cold and boy do I feel icky. My head feels like it is in a vice. I went to my interview today, actually I had two back to back in an hour. I was hired at super target for the food area as a cashier. It is only seasonal but can become permanent depending on my performance. I hope that I will show them that hiring me full time would be a good idea. Come on I am a kick ass employee. Just kidding. Ok sorta kidding. I didnt go to the teacher conference since my head was being invaded by my sinuses and I took some alka seltzer night medicine and it really kicked my butt. So I couldn't wake up well enough with out feeling like I was so groggy. Thank god for Mikayla being home and helping me. I normally do not take night medicine because of that fact but Emie woke me up in the middle of the night, did not want to sleep even after I fed her and rocked her. Then when I went to bed my cat and dog decided to jump in bed and keep me up. i even made the bed this morning and the cat was still in there. Ha Ha. I am putting a picture of him on here. And no he isn't one of those lets hug him cause he is cute cats. He doesn't like people. I feel so accomplished after cleaning so much yesterday that I didn't do anything but relax and go to my interview. Tomorrow I will do a drug test for the new job, vaccum again, mop again, tidy up again, grocery shop and go to my dad's for thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is going to make me so fat and I haven't even started my walking every week yet. Thank god for fat pants aka sweat pants. I just totally forgot that i have to catch up on my shows from last week, I feel so bad. I so love my shows. I will be so sad when and if they ever cancel supernatural. I really hate it when they cancel my favorite shows. I was watching old supernatural shows with mikayla today and laughing at dean. I think I am addicted to my blog since when I can't sleep I think what will I write tomorrow? I like my new online journal, this is fun. I was thinking the other day when I was growing up no one told me how being a mother would be like this or how life would be. I don't think my mom told me everything about life that she knew. I think she kept some secrets for fun. I wish someone would of told me some of it. Like you never get to go to the bathroom or shower alone. There is always a child somewhere lurking to say mom mom i need you. I love my kids and i love my life. I am very glad to have found some kind of work so that I am not stressing over money but trust me I will still need my journal to console all of my thoughts. I have lots of thoughts always running in my head about when i was a child or something someone did at the store. This is the place to have it all come out. I just have to ask why do men watch silly shows like family guy? Dale wants me to talk more about him since he reads this. I love simpsons but sometimes family guy is kinda like we are in second grade. Just kidding. My internet is acting silly again.

Cleaniless is close to my heart

Did you miss me? Just kidding. I haven't been on here in a few days because I have been spending time with my family and just thinking about things. I found out on Saturday that my unemployment money is done. So I decided to do the budget and had a freak out because I didn't think we would have enough money. I wanted extra money for us and not just what Dale was making but it wasn't going that way. So I left and went to my car for some alone time, talked to a friend on the phone and cleared my head. When I came back we went to the mall and the kids played in the play area. Wow was there a lot of people in the mall that day. Some of them were dropping there little children off as if they were in daycare. It's a small mall but had some stores that I really liked. I hope to go there again when i have money. So I have an interview tomorrow but it's for seasonal work, I hope to see if I can make it to permanent part time work but will see. The upside to that is I can still file taxes if I work the seasonal and if I didn't work it I wouldn't be able too. I don't really have a choice since unemployment kicked me off since I didn't work for a year. I look every day what else can I do. Have to stay positive and not let it stress me out again. On another note mikayla and I cleaned the house from top to bottom today, I made pot roast for dinner and angel food cake for dessert. I literally have been just moving non stop since 2. I finally took a shower and sat in front of the computer to talk to all of you 20 minutes ago. My Internet was being silly earlier and wouldn't work. So the other day I was realizing how I never wear makeup when I am home, only if I go out. So basically I haven't  worn makeup except for twice in the last two weeks. I decided to show you what I look like before make up and with it. A huge difference, now you know me as the mommy monster my family sees me as. Just kidding. I just think it is funny how much of a difference it is between no make up and make up days. I don't wear alot but wow I look alien with out it. Tomorrow i have a teacher conference so I am a little nervous since my daughter has not been handing in homework, is behind in basic math and the teacher might hold her back a year. I know this because the teacher and I have emailed each other back and forth. I hope that this gets resolved soon. The teacher is checking that she brings her assignments in, that she is bringing her text books home so she can do her assignments and I am making sure she does extra basic math to practice so she isn't failing. Will see what happens. Wish me good luck on that. My throat is killing me so I hope I am not getting sick. Emie is teething with her third tooth and has a bad diaper rash. Poor baby. Dale and I are actively trying to have another child and I hope it happens soon. i just want to have another baby cause I love babies. It's funny how when you are watching movies ,they show  a couple who is married, they are trying to have sex but can never find a moment because they have kids. That has become my life. Ha Ha. Now off for some facebook time before bed. I am addicted to my games. Also decided to add a video of emie making silly faces while eating dinner. I love how we all spend every second we can we each other because we don't want to miss a moment with each other. See Dale I do talk about you. He doesn't think I talk enough about him.

Where are my ruby shoes?

I started to write some of this blog this morning when I was waiting for Emie to wake up while she slept in my bed. She woke up at six and I just brought her back to my bed and she slept with me. Last night Dale told me he was coming back late because the job he was doing was having issues and he had to fix it. By the way he works with diesel generator engines. Hope I explained that right. He does read this everyday. So he told me to go grocery shopping last night since today we were going to my dads. So I took a late shower, gave Emie a bath and went to do my errands. First I needed gas, then the rabbit needed litter and the gecko needed worms. So off to the pet store we went. Then to super target to buy food. emie was getting restless towards the end, she was throwing toys, spitting. We get to the check out lane and Dale texes me he isn't coming home till tomorrow. What the hell. Then my dad texes me his girlfriend is so can he come to me. Then the terminal we are at stops working, so we wait twenty minutes before the manager decides to move all of our stuff to another terminal. Everything was already wrung up so we had to re ring all of the stuff. I was annoyed plus I had a migraine from hell. So my dad and Dale are still texting me. I have a migraine, no one has eaten dinner yet, it's close to Emies bed time. Ugh. so we get home hurry up and bring everything in, I feed Emie, my dad decides he is coming over even if Dale isn't here. He wanted Dale to be here so he could help him with a plumbing issue we are having. Dale says I will be home I promise, I know I am not supposed to be mad at him since it's not his fault but I am mad, I want him home with me so I can sleep and be near him. I know it is selfish. But it's the way I feel. I put Emie to bed at 8, I eat, Mikayla eats and Emie wakes up at 920 ugh. Then she won't go back to bed, she was playing in my bed, banging on my walls. Finally around 10 something I put her in her bed and she is plying and laughing over the monitor. I feel asleep shortly after and woke up at 330 to the TV still being on. I can not sleep in a big house, I hate being alone so since I was a teenager I have left the TV on while I sleep(actually I fall asleep watching something) for noise in the background. Makes it easier to be alone. I started having these horrible cramps so bad that I had to take Tylenol and lay on the floor. I finally went back to bed and fell asleep till six and got Emie. So now I am waiting for Emie to take a nap so I can maybe nap since I didn't get much sleep the last few days. I do have cleaning, laundry to finish, clothes to fold and put away, breakfast to eat, so maybe I won't take a nap. I really miss my friends and I know some of them read this. I really need to set up a monthly visit with them so i don't lose touch and so I can still stay close with them. Starting to cramp again. Ugh I hate my body sometimes. My stupid Colitis is acting up. Well it is kinda my fault when i am taking the pills I am supposed to everyday, my stomach hurts so bad I just want to curl up in a ball, well guess i won't be doing much for awhile since resting is the bed thing for my tummy right now. Maybe soon I will take a shower to help my body relax. I found out today that it has been at least four days since Mikayla showered last eww, I tell her every night to shower but get so busy with Emie at night that I don't pay attention if she actually went it. Usually I won't ask if she did and she goes to bed. i hate having to sniff her  or check up on her, it is her responsibility as a 10 year old to take care of her hygiene. Especially as a girl, i can't stand not showering everyday, even if I am staying in PJ's or just lounging around the house. Hopefully she listened to me before she went to school, I told her as soon as she gets home she has to shower or I will make her. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that kids mind. When stuff like that happens I wonder if I am a bad mom. Next week she is off so I really have to think of things to do to keep us occupied. I also have teacher conferences, I so hate them, I love hearing the progress my child has done but always feel like a bad parent when my child does something wrong.

Prisoner of my house

As I sit here and wait for Emie to take her second nap and decide what chores i will get done, I was thinking about how sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my home. i don't leave unless I have a play date set up or an errand to run. I do it too myself because I am not working, so I feel like I don't have the right to leave. I know I have talked about this before, but it never changes and I want my parollment. When will I allow myself to leave and explore a new store or the mall by my house or just a new area. dale has told me you need to leave and my money is our money but it hard when I am not working. I miss the stimulation from working, the conversations, the busyness of moving around. i am trying to keep my mind and body busy but its not working. I don't really know what to do every week. All I do is look for work everyday, go on face book every day and time to time see other people. Help i need to break out of this prison. On another note I applied for federal assistance for school today, so hopefully I can get some or I will have to put that in the budget as well. We still have to do the budget, but dale has been gone since Monday and I can't wait till he gets home. I miss my best friend. he is everything that I have ever wanted in a man, we have always fit together just was never the right timing. but this time we are great. I can't give it all away but in the future we are planning to get married and trying for a baby. I can't say when on the marriage or dale will kill me lol. So Emie went down for a nap and I am trying to finish this, doing laundry, and eating my lunch. I am going today to try to read sometime at night or when I get a moment. I have a bunch of books I have never read that I got from a book club I was in. Also trying to figure out what we are going to do for the weekend. I try to plan things on the weekend so we can spend time as a family and not be bored.

When I need a Time out

I love being with my kids, but sometimes I feel like I need a timeout. My head has been hurting for a few hours and nothing is taking it away and the screaming, playing noises from the kids aren't helping. I love them but ouch my head won't stop. Sometimes when I am sick or my multiple sclerosis hurts or I have a headache I wish I could take a time out or just disappear for a few minutes. We need a Stay at home mom's union where we get a salary, benefits and most needed vacation and sick time. I so wish that could happen. So I watched my shows and have some comments on them. Greys Anatomy- oh how I love that show, I love my doctor shows, so I watched two weeks worth since I was behind and they were awesome. I love the particular show the best because I wanted to be a surgeon at one time but can't now since I am too old and have ms. So when I do go back to school it will be for nursing still a part of my dream and very satisfied with that decision. I love the relationships on that show, Christina yang and Meredith grey have such a good friendship. I really hope that Christina goes back on the residency program and love Kalli's hair. I so hope that they put in the story line for Lexi grey and Avery to be a couple. They are so cute together. Private Practice- Very dark this season and the last, lots of tragedies. Also watched two episodes to catch up and they had Charlotte king raped by a very mean and disorderly patient. Very hard for me to watch since it is part of my past being a rape survivor and abuse victim. I hate violence and rape. I cried while watching it. She is so strong but it was hard for her. Brother & Sisters- I love Sally Fields in this. She is one of my favorite actresses. She is such a good and supportive mom in the show. i love the relationships between the siblings, they really fight with each other and for each other. I know that Justin is getting over Rebbecca but come on do you really think from jumping to one chick to another is going to help you. Eventually it will catch up with him. he isn't the type of guy to keep at this. plus he is very acceptable to go back to drugs or alcohol if he hits to much of a emotional breakdown. I love how Scotty and Kevin's relationship. I am so happy that they are working on their marriage and not divorcing. I love luke, he is so hot and the world got to see him full frontal in sex and the city movie. ooh la la lol.  Supernatural- I love that we are finally getting to what the plot is this season, still think that it could be a little more since we have buildt up nicely the last five seasons to an Apocalypse and it happened but now that it is over and this is the after affect it is kinda dull to what it was when it was going on. i just want it to be more climatic. But I love Dean and Sam and will cry  if the show goes off. Plus I love when they have rock music playing in the background. Glee- I started watching it because of my daughter. I love the singing and dancing in the show. The plots are good too. I  am really behind in this show. I watch other shows from time to time like law & order svu, House, the real housewives of Atlanta & Beverly hills, millionaire match maker, ghost adventures. I know it's not long today but I have to make the dinner and calm Emie down since my head won't stop hurting.

Pajama monday

Every Monday Emie and I stay in our PJ's and have pajama Monday. I love to just relax on Monday's and catch up on all my shows from the previous week. My oldest said she can't wait till she is off next week and she can wear her PJ's. So last night Dale and I were talking about who i think he looks like. I think he has some resemblance to Axl rose. So we looked up Axl Roses pictures on his phone and omg he looks really bad now, he was so hot to me when I was growing up. He did not age well. Another one I had a crush on when I was growing up was Mickey Rourke, he also did not age well and does not look good now. A lot of celebrities get plastic surgery that makes them look so bad and unrecognizable, like Joan Rivers. Wow she scares me Ha ha. Not saying I have anything against plastic surgery, I often think about doing it myself. But there are ways to fix the issues you have with your appearance than going to get surgery. My look a likes I have been told are Julia Roberts, Christina Ricci, Julia Stiles, these women have aged well. Julia is my favorite and has aged really well. So I was thinking about what Dale and I will look like when we get older will we age well. Just a random thought I had. Told you I had a lot of those. Life is full of random thoughts. Today I woke up at 6 am because I missed my Dale, he is gone for a few days for work. Oh well what can you do. Really not liking how cold it is getting out. I am more of a summer girl, don't get me wrong I love doing winter activities like snow mobiling, skiing, snow ball fights, just hate the cold. I could never live in Alaska. I do love Christmas time, except Christmas music, some of it is OK but the others are just played too much. I love the spirit of Christmas plus every year I give away toys, stuffed animals and clothes that we aren't using to different charities. It's my way of giving to others in need. I really enjoy doing it. I wish I could give money but it's not in the cards for me right now. I usually do my shopping online for Christmas, I really hate how people get crazy on the holidays. This year Dale and I decided that because Emie has so much clothes, Mikayla and Emie have a lot of toys (most of the toys Emie has are Mikayla's old ones), Mikayla has a lot of clothes, that we will get Mikayla arts & crafts items, Emie outdoor toys & toys she can climb or that are good for her development. Everything we have is going to the next kids we have, that way we don't have to spend money on items we already have. I am glad to be relaxing right now when I hit my knee earlier while trying to chase Emie, I am so clumsy. Going to finish my coffee, eat breakfast and then shower. Emie is napping so time to get some things done.

Wishing

So again as I was brushing my hair this afternoon, I had a thought about if I had one wish. Yes I do a lot of thinking when I am in the shower or when I am cleaning. Those are my only alone times I have to myself. If I had one wish it would be for money. I know that is what everyone says but extra money would be good for us. my life is pretty much perfect other than needing more money. I do need to lose weight but why use a wish on that when I can just exercise. I have a nice home and good kids. For the most part they are behaved. Ha Ha. I do feel bad when I have to punish my oldest so much, but she never learns, she is always telling me off or not listening. I love her terribly but I'm scared of what her as a teenager might be. I remember what I was like as a teenager and it frightens me. I don't want to picture my baby growing  up and doing things she shouldn't. I just hope with all the teachings of right  and wrong that we have taught her that she will grow up to be a well adjusted young lady. I have also planned that she will go to college and live her till she has finished. I really want all of my children, to have a college education and have a career they like and will make money from. I do regret not going to college when I was younger, but I had a different life, I was going through some stuff. No one really explained to me all of the feelings I had and how I was supposed to feel going through what I went through. I went through a couple of horrible ordeals growing up, from molestation to rape to abusive boyfriends. That is as much of details I want to contribute so far on that. I regret getting kicked out of school at 16. I did get my GED but it's not the same. I have worked since I  was 14 and I did work a lot when I  was kicked out, but I  did goof off with friends and get into trouble when I was not working. I just wish that I could of realized how important an education was and how important saving from that age would have been. I was not thinking of future or education at all. So I will push my children to have an education and not to settle for anything less but the best. That is all I can ask for. So Dale is leaving for a few days for work and I mad because I selfishly want him home with me. I know it's his job and he has to do it but I want him home with me. Oh well nothing I can do about it but just hope the day goes by faster. I also told him that he has to get me a gift every time he leaves. Remember that Dale, I say that because I know he reads this. Ha Ha. Another disappointment today was when I took a pregnancy test again, which I do every  so often, since we are trying. I am not pregnant yet, getting impatient even though I know it will happen, it's just since I  went off the depo provera shot in September, we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It can however take up to a year. I am not in a hurry we just want another one soon. It is nice to finally have a kid that is planned and with someone you love. Yes Dale thinks of both the girls as his and they are his, no not biologically but in every other way. Just because they have sperm donors does not make those men who gave up their rights fathers. Dale is and will always be there dad. OK going to finish watching Harry potter and relax before bed.

I wrote this in the afternoon as i was brushing my hair to get ready to go to WI to drop off a four person paddle boat we have. My mind was wandering and landed on how people label each other. It's either a religious label or a financial label or a physical appearance or some kind of label. I have been put in many labels, such as a biker chick, girly girl and loner. I don't belong in a label, I will always be me no matter what job I do or how many kids I have or what my financial status is. I love rock music, 80s music, I swear, I joke and I love to stand out so you remember me. But that is just me. This was just a wandering thought this afternoon. I have a lot of thoughts that wander in my head. I love writing in my blog it's like writing in my journal and yes i was one of those who wrote in a journal not a diary. i love my life and my children and my boyfriend. for the first time in my life i can actually say that i am really happy. i am so used to having bad things happen that is nice to have peace and quiet and not drama or something bad happen. i feel so accomplished today after cleaning all week and getting myself out of the house. i love talking to dale about our future. i love just being with my best friend and that person being my soul mate. its really refreshing. i am the person who gets excited over little things, i enjoy the little things in life sometimes that is all you have. today i was doing a lot of reflection about things i have done in my past and have realized that sometimes you just have to let what you did in the past stay in the past. i took the good from the bad and i have survived but sometimes i feel bad from all of the wrong i have done to others or myself. now i just keep making myself better and never looking back. i will do all of things i wanted to do in my life, like go back to school, get married, have more kids and ride into the sunset with my happy happy life.

Rainy Days are sleepy days

So Emie woke up me up three times last night. I rocker her once, gave her Tylenol for teething on the second time and gave her a bottle the third time. Along with her waking me up, my dog Nikki decided to chase the cat and I heard that at five in the morning. So my coffee has no affect on me today. Ha Ha. I feel very accomplished today. I paid my bills, looked for jobs, sent out resumes, cleaned up my emails and am playing my games on facebook. I love to multi task. I have literally done laundry all week and still have to do some today. Today I have to clean the bathrooms, since I haven't gotten to them yet from being busy with other stuff, and wash the bathroom rugs. I am still going to try to workout on wii fit with my daughter tonight, I try to do this every night but I get so busy with cooking, Emie and other night stuff that by the time I sit down and can workout, I am too tired. I will be walking weekly with a friend of Dale's starting next week so that will help me lose weight and get out of the house. I feel really motivated and excited for the things I have planned to keep me busy each week. I have the walking with Jeanne on Thursdays, weekly play date with Erin, weekly mall play date with my moms group, I see my dad weekly, and my cleaning. So that should keep me busy. Also tonight or tomorrow Dale and I will be sitting down and working on a budget. I do things cheaply around her but there really isn't any set budget we have. And I don't like that, it's like playing in the dark. So we will have a budget, I'm weird I need structure on things. I really enjoy doing budgets and things with schedules. So Emie is napping and I tidied up the play room knowing that Emie will make a mess again but I hate toys everywhere with no kids around. I know I'm weird. Ha Ha. OK so time to eat breakfast and take a shower.

music of the heart

I love to listen to music while I mop the floors. Plus it helps calm down a screaming Emie. She was screaming even though she was fed, playing in her entertainer, but still felt the need to yell at me. I still got the kitchen and floors cleaned. All I have to do next is clean my bathroom and the downstairs bathroom. Mikayla cleans hers now and she vacuums the floors, part of her chores, along with making her bed, feeding her animals and cleaning up toys. I know I spent all day yesterday tiding up and doing laundry. But today I had sheets to do from the beds and the mats from the bathrooms. Got to love my life, clean, clean, clean. Ha Ha. I tell myself everyday that I will read a book or paint or do something "Heather". "Heather" was the before she had kids person. I used to paint, draw, write stories and poems and make music. I am extremely artistic and musically challenged. I no longer play my instruments or sing, unless it is to Emie or in the car. I miss it and wanted to be in a band a few years back, but I'm a mommy and I don't know where I would fit it in. Dale thinks I can join a band and have time for my singing. I was told by an ex that my voice sucks so I lost my confidence as well. He took a lot from me, he beat me and made me feel as a big as a speck of dust. I know he was a loser but he still damaged me a lot. So I don't like when someone catches me singing because I get self conscious about my voice. The most I have done with painting was the ceramics I would buy from painted penguin for myself and paint them. But I stopped doing that too. I loved doing it so much, that I have a curio cabinet full of these ceramics for the world to see. I do miss painting with oil paints and drawing with pastels. I love to draw nature, waterfalls, oceans. I love nature so much that I look forward to going to Birchwood, WI which is six hours away so I fish, swim and just forget about the world. It's nice that Dale's parents have a family home in WI so we go there when we can. I will try to find a balance between mom and "Heather". I really am trying. I am trying to get out more by myself and with Dale without kids. We are looking for a sitter so we can have date night once a month. Hope we find someone soon we really need some time with each other. Back to the art I was thinking of getting finger paints so Emie and I could get creative. I really think she would love it. I really do need to find a way to get "Heather" back I miss her. I wanted to be an author, although I still want to pursue this and have written on my computer slowly over the past year. I also really want to go back to school for nursing. I am a dreamer and if I don't try to at least pursue all or some of my dreams I will be mad at myself. So I will continue to find a way for Heather and mommy to work together. Time to finish my coffee and put Emie down soon for nap number one and for me to get dressed and clean some more.

Wishes I lived in a warmer climate

I am so cold and the house is 73 degrees. The heat isn't on and the house is warm for everyone but me. My hands feel like I just woke up from a grave. Brrr. I was going to write this morning while drinking my coffee and Emie napped but instead I was goofing around on facebook as usual and doing laundry. I feel accomplished today since I did everyone's laundry and tidied up around the house. I still have to clean the bathrooms and mop but I can do that after dinner. I am making pork chops. I made them so good last week that I was dreaming about them. Ha Ha. Emie is standing more and more. So proud of her but at the same time not ready for her to grow up so fast. I can't believe in three months she will be one year old and in twelve days she will be nine months. Dale was teasing me because I was getting emotional over my baby growing up. When your pregnant it feels like forever then when they are born it feel like they grow up in a day. Life goes so fast. So I applied to a few more jobs today and will be calling some back tomorrow to see if they reviewed my application yet. Hopefully I can get a part time job soon. I know that Dale says he will make everything work out if I can't get a job but I still stress. That is how I am. I worry about everything. I just want extra money to not worry about things. Especially with Christmas around the corner and then Dale's birthday then Emerald's birthday then Mikayla's birthday. That is a lot of Birthdays in a four month span. Thank god mine is in July. Ha Ha. Tomorrow i have a mall playdate with a friend and her daughter. I am excited to be getting out of the house and hanging out with a friend. I am trying to be in a positive mood every day. I found out the other day that my unemployment money might be getting smaller. It already is smaller than most people. Now it gets even tighter with finances. Oh well all I can do is just breathe and let what happens happens. I can only control what is in my control. I am trying to let that be my montra. Hopefully it sticks. All I can think about is money and jobs. So much has happened in the last year alone: I was laid off, had Emerald, moved in with my boyfriend, and recently my grandfather died. I visited him in hospice before he actually passed and he looked bad. It looked as if the life went out of him. I have know him to be a fighter and it looked as if he gave up on the fight. He lead a good life, he was eighty when he passed. I know that doesn't make the suffering of his passing go away but just telling the facts. He was very ill and slowly dying the past six months. I chose to celebrate his life by looking at photos and thinking of good memories instead of being upset everyday and mourning. I am not saying that mourning is wrong, it isn't. I just choose to not, that is my belief. I have a bunch of little things that I believe in and it might not be the normal thing but it's my thing. It makes my life a little easier. I couldn't go to the funeral or wake because it was too far of a drive and inconvenient for Emerald's nap and feeding schedule. But I was there in spirit. I hope my family understood. Ok so on a lighter note I love to tape all of my shows and then watch them on Monday's during the day. So my show list is Glee, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice,Supernatural and Brothers and Sisters. Sometimes I do watch other shows but these are my weekly have to watch or I will cry shows. And I am behind this week on watching. Ha Ha. I caught up this monday on two weeks ago shows and last weeks, but still have a few left to watch. These are the joys of my life. Well now I have to end here so I can switch the laundry and start making Pork Chops. Hungry already.

Where To Start

This is my first post and I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. I set up this account last year when I was pregnant but decided not to do it. I think it was too hard of a time for me. I was laid off while I was four months pregnant due to being a high risk pregnancy and on bed rest. When I got off of bedrest two weeks later my boss gave my job away and continued to tell me my whole pregnancy that I still had a job. Well since then I have looked every day for over a year for a job. I have even applied at Mc Donalds. No luck. I am currently a stay at home mom who moved to Lake In The Hills in September to be with my boyfriend and start a new life. I love it. I am so happy to start my life as a family. No longer a single mom crammed in a bedroom with two kids. It was a shoe box. I was living with my mom and we were fighting a lot. That is another post on it's own. So basically I went from super mom working six days a week, doing everything and having no time but good money to just mom who cooks all the time (I do love to cook), cleans, watches more television than I have ever, still has baby weight from giving birth eight months ago, living off of my boyfriend's income and not sure what to do all day. So needless to say this is all still new to me.  I already did the cooking, cleaning and mom part before when being super mom but staying at home and not leaving every day is really different. It gets hard sometimes cause I don't know where to go that isn't going to cost a lot of money. Plus I feel odd spending money. I feel like I can't since It is not mine. I didn't earn it. Even though Dale says don't worry honey its family money. I have worked since I was 14 years old. That is all I know how to do. Not to mention I am still trying to find the time to go back to school for nursing. I have gone back a little at a time but the last time was Seven years ago. When is the best time to go back? Better hurry and go to school before my multiple sclerosis acts up and I can't. Oh yeah forgot to mention I deal with multiple sclerosis on a daily basis. It's annoying for me. The pain doesn't bother me as much as the studdering and not being able to get out the words I want to say but instead I might call a book a bear and a table a tree. My family knows what I really mean sometimes but it is annoying. I am also deaf in my left year because of it. It changed my life in 2003 when I was diagnosed but made me stronger along with the other things that were bad in my life. That again is another post. I have a lot of stories that make my life interesting to tell you. Along with getting used to being a stay at home mom I am also trying to make new friends who I can be close with. I am in a moms group and I like it but it is so hard with Emerald's schedule that I sometimes get discouraged and stay home. I stay home a lot. I only leave on weekends when I make us leave the house and do family things. I really need to find a job or hobby or something to get me out of the house more. Well this is it for today need to make myself lunch before Emie wakes up and needs to be fed. Bye for now.